Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Posted April 16, 2004 Did you ever notice that the reason you end up terminating a relationship is the same reason that you were drawn into them in the first place? It's really interesting, actually.
MarKus Posted April 16, 2004 Posted April 16, 2004 Cant seem to think that has happened to me...but still
sinkerswim Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 In my case...8 years ago, when I met my boyfriend.... He couldnt get enough of me...was VERY clingy and needy. In the end..I was the clingy one and thats why he broke up with me. (Or so he says) Go figure.
amerikajin Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 I can't say I've noticed that as a trend, though I suppose it happens from time to time. What I have noticed is that the same thing that irritated me from the beginning about that person, irritated me in the end, too. It's that suspicion you have about someone that just turns out to be true. It's thinking "You know, I love this person, and I'm willing to forgive and forget, but if this becomes a pattern of behavior...." ...and low and behold, it does, in fact, become a pattern of behavior. Much to our chagrin.
Vivid_29 Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 I know what you mean. I remember my sister falling for a guy whom was kind and sweet. 5 months later, she broke up with him because he was kind and sweet. ~V
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by sinkerswim In my case...8 years ago, when I met my boyfriend.... He couldnt get enough of me...was VERY clingy and needy. In the end..I was the clingy one and thats why he broke up with me. (Or so he says) Go figure. Wow! I'm sorry about your story...I've been following it along here and there.
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by amerikajin I can't say I've noticed that as a trend, though I suppose it happens from time to time. What I have noticed is that the same thing that irritated me from the beginning about that person, irritated me in the end, too. It's that suspicion you have about someone that just turns out to be true. It's thinking "You know, I love this person, and I'm willing to forgive and forget, but if this becomes a pattern of behavior...." ...and low and behold, it does, in fact, become a pattern of behavior. Much to our chagrin. This is more or less what I'm talking about, I suppose.
smsrunner1 Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 Hey everyone, This topic hit me pretty hard. I think I might be in a situation involving this concept. My ex and I had a fairly unique breakup about 2 weeks ago. Very long story made short.... I've gotten upset with her several times during the past 2 months for not making time to talk to me as much as I think is reasonable. She gets upset in return telling me that we don't need to talk as much as I want, and that she's got a life, and she wants to be able to enjoy it (i graduated in Dec. and am 850 mi. away) My understanding now is that she could clearly see our future happening the way we talked about it (extensively), but that she didn't want to be so serious right now... aka needing to talk all the time. Our relationship is only 5 months old. When it began, I think the big thing that made her fall in love with me was my smothering her with love, gifts, doing anything for her, etc. I've been told dozens of times in my life that I'm a "romantic" and a perfect example of the "nice guy." Well, when it ended, she told me that she just isn't in love with me anymore. But that it might change when she's at a different point in her life and wants to get serious with someone. The unique part is that I left her a message after not hearing from her from a fri. afternoon til late late sunday night. NOT THAT LONG, I KNOW, BUT... she told me fri afternoon that she'd call me later that night. When she didn't, I left a message for her fri night, 2 on saturday, and 3 on sunday ending with one saying that unless there was a really good reason for not calling, that it's over. When she called me at 3am sunday night (mon. morning) waking me up, she said that she left her cell phone (the only phone she has) in her friend's car, and her friend went away for the weekend, and she just got her phone back. Well i was still upset cuz I know I would have borrowed a phone or emailed or SOMETHING. But I told her I was sorry for the message and that I'm ok with it. But she apparently wasn't, and I guess she kinda got sick of having all the love, gifts, messages, etc. smother her. Hence where this fits into this thread. And she said that it just wasn't there anymore, and that everything we had is in the past now. I pretty much begged for her to come back for about a week, at the same time finding out a TON about how she felt all along throughout the relationship, and now things changed. Originally, she was all about it being serious, then just wanted it to be something to slowly grow until she graduated and we could be together again, and then as a result of my final message sending her over the edge, "it'd getting really difficult" for her to "see the future." I posted something under "second chances a couple days ago" and it's really really long with all the details. I haven't talked to her since wed. morning, and the last of any contact was my email wed afternoon apologizing for what happened on the phone earlier, followed by her emailing me back apologizing. Since then, no attempts on either side. I've learned a LOT in the last couple days on this site by reading posts, and i now know what my big problems were, including jealousy, clingy, insecurity, and other things... now i'm wondering if I should email her just to let her know that I've learned what i need to work on, and that i'm doing a lot to better myselt... and that's it... not asking her to come back to me or to call me or anything... just continuing the "no contact" policy. Please any advice is welcome. Feel free to read my other post in 2nd chances to hear the very long version. Thank in advance, Shaun
smsrunner1 Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 Is it preventable? By that I mean... specifically in my situation I'm wondering that if she told me during the relationship all the thingst that were bothering her, and I could have tried to work on them, that we wouldn't have gotten to the point of breaking up. So those things that got her to like me.... if she told me as soon as they started to annoy her, i could have tried to change. Let me know what you think. ~Shaun
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Shaun, Now this is exactly what I am referring to! What a tough blow for you. Don't change a thing about your ways...someone will be fortunate enough to have a guy like you in their lives. She just didn't know it.
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 And for me, a lot of the reasons I was actually finally "taken in" by my husband are the very reasons I'm leaving him.
Tony T Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 "Did you ever notice that the reason you end up terminating a relationship is the same reason that you were drawn into them in the first place?" This doesn't seem to be valid for most people. The greatest reason relationships are terminated is people learn things about the other than weren't apparent in the beginning...or the fire just dies out.
tom_gbr Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 smsrunner1 you sound a lot like me...my ex never appreciated me and everything that i had done for her...also i was quite jealous and clingy all through the relationship...this was because she is my first love and i was so scared of loosing her. it only really got bad towards the last two months of the relationship...as she told me close to christmas that a month into the relationship she was pregnant with my baby and that she had a miscarrage after a waterskiing accident. this really upset me and i started to act very different around her....i always wanted to know what she was up too and if she was ok...i felt sort of guilty that she had to go through something like that. now i know what it's like loosing her and not having her in my life....i think if there was ever a chance of us getting back together the jealousy would of gone and i wouldnt be so clingy....because she would want me back because she loves me too much to be without me so those things would dissapear. i really wish i could say these things to her but its too late now....we broke up around a month a two weeks ago...im still not coping very well my feelings go up and down...i think i should see a counsilor
Heartfelt Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup And for me, a lot of the reasons I was actually finally "taken in" by my husband are the very reasons I'm leaving him. Be strong Sweetie. You know you have a huge support group here.
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by smsrunner1 Is it preventable? By that I mean... specifically in my situation I'm wondering that if she told me during the relationship all the thingst that were bothering her, and I could have tried to work on them, that we wouldn't have gotten to the point of breaking up. So those things that got her to like me.... if she told me as soon as they started to annoy her, i could have tried to change. Let me know what you think. ~Shaun In your case, I would have to say it wasn't necessarily preventable. What I would reinforce with you, is that you had some clear warning signs of her losing interest, etc. Better luck next time...this one wasn't worthy of you.
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by Tony "Did you ever notice that the reason you end up terminating a relationship is the same reason that you were drawn into them in the first place?" This doesn't seem to be valid for most people. The greatest reason relationships are terminated is people learn things about the other than weren't apparent in the beginning...or the fire just dies out. True, but I find strangely enough that sometimes the very reason you call it quits with someone are the same reasons you were attracted to them. SOO....perhaps this is the true nature of a dysfunctional relationship LOL
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by Heartfelt Be strong Sweetie. You know you have a huge support group here. THANK YOU!!!! I really, REALLY appreciate that.
Arabess Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 Like they are really sweet, but in time you realize they are SO SWEET they have no spine. Or you liked that they were goal oriented.....but they turned out to be a workaholic. Or that they had lots of time for you......but they turned to actually not have any other interests or even keep a job. Or they dressed well and had nice things......but actually, they only purchase for themselves. Or you thought they were intellectual....but as it turns out, they think they are the only one with a valid opinion. Yeah.....I can see where you can be drawn to someone for a certain charactistic which turns out to the the one thing about them which bugs you.
Vivid_29 Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 I agree with Barbie - She is right on the money! ~V
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess Like they are really sweet, but in time you realize they are SO SWEET they have no spine. Or you liked that they were goal oriented.....but they turned out to be a workaholic. Or that they had lots of time for you......but they turned to actually not have any other interests or even keep a job. Or they dressed well and had nice things......but actually, they only purchase for themselves. Or you thought they were intellectual....but as it turns out, they think they are the only one with a valid opinion. Yeah.....I can see where you can be drawn to someone for a certain charactistic which turns out to the the one thing about them which bugs you. You hit the nail RIGHT on the head. What clear cut examples, too. Let me further add... ...Or you find someone to be very intellectual and sharp....but then you realize they are a completely boring and hardly have a sense of humor.
Arabess Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup ...Or you find someone to be very intellectual and sharp....but then you realize they are a completely boring and hardly have a sense of humor. Yes....it's also called a lack of social skills. So this would make them stupid socially and DULL!
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess Yes....it's also called a lack of social skills. So this would make them stupid socially and DULL! BINGo!!!! The more you pay attention to it, the more obvious it is, too...and it gets easier to get turned OFF by them.
Darkangelism Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 or you think they are tall and they end up being short,lol, jk. But Arabess is right, some good qualities at extreme are bad.
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 17, 2004 Author Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism or you think they are tall and they end up being short,lol, jk. But Arabess is right, some good qualities at extreme are bad. Ahhh, DA, we need to have a talk LOL. You smell what we are stepping in here, I know ya do!
JannaM14 Posted April 20, 2004 Posted April 20, 2004 YEP! Know exactly what you mean! I fall for the strong-willed, egotistical and arrogant guys because I like strong men who sweep me off my feet and charm me right away. Backfires on me every damn time because their arrogance and narcistic (sp?) behavior ends up pushing me away and driving me insane. And I realize these guys have a pattern of coming on strong with every woman they get involved with - I'm not "special" or the "love of their life" like they originally claim - they tell all their women this. They end up being control freaks who smother me too much.
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