Thatguyintx Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I know everyone here hates hearing it, but time does heal all wounds. Scars may remain, but the wounds do heal. I am about 9 months out from the most painful breakup I had ever experienced. I found myself thinking, obsessing, and dreaming about her all the time. I knew deep in my head and heart, breaking up was the right decision, but the after breakup was the worst. Feeling empty and worthless, while she carried on straight into another relationship. I spent ALOT of time analyzing my actions, her actions, and performed relationship autopsy after autopsy hoping to get a better understanding. And you know what happened? Nothing. My insight didn't get any better. We havent reconciled (she's actually engaged to her new man). I haven't jumped into another relationship. BUT, and this is the best part, I am okay. I am more than okay. Time has allowed me to take that relationship off the pedestal. Time has allowed me to embrace myself again. I have reconciled with friends and family that I hadnt spoken with for years. My relationship with my kiddo is stronger. My relationship with my ex-wife and her husband has become stronger (weird?). And, I have learned to be happy for my ex-gf. Even if we can't be together, I truly want her to find her happiness. So, having said all that, to all of you in the middle of your pain, I am here to say it gets better. It gets more than better. It gets healed. Wishing the best for all feeling empty and helpless. Keep posting!
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Time heals nothing. All Time does, is pass. People heal. The time they take, varies. Time isn't a healer. Your willingness to move on - or not - is what makes things different.
dreamscape123 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Thatguyintx -Nice post, glad things are ok for you now.... I do agree that some people take longer to begin to heal than others.. What makes us all individuals at the end of the day..
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Exactly. Like I said - it's not the time - it's the people. if it WAS time - we'd all heal at roughly the same rate. It takes time. But it's not the time.
Author Thatguyintx Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 TaraMaiden, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I changed nothing inside my own mindset. I didn't wake up one day and decide that I was going to move on. Did it happen deep inside without me making a conscious decision? Maybe. This feels kind of like the argument about who killed the gunshot victim. Did the gun kill them? Did the bullet kill them? Or did the shooter kill them? The answer is "yes". I'll stick to my original assertion that time was the most important piece to get where I am today.
curiousnycgirl Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 First let me say that I am very happy for you Thatguyintx - that you feel you have healed. Secondly I'd like to say that I think you are both right. Some people are able to heal in a few days others it takes a few decades. I am nine months out from my break up and overall I am doing ok. I am still in love with the man I thought he was, but intellectually I know he is not that man, and never was. I saw him at a memorial service about 7 weeks ago, and cried my eyes out for days. It set me back but I worked through it. So I would say that is progress. Like you I am just grateful that I got my life back. Just keep doing what you've been doing - and hopefully you'll get back on that dating horse again - especially if ultimately you want to build a partnership with someone. Best of luck to you.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Ok. But if you lived on Jupiter, or Venus, your timeframe would have been different (leave aside the fact they're uninhabitable). Even on this planet, time-scales are calculated differently. Hindus, Muslims, and Jews all have their own 'calendars. Our temporal calculations depend on the our implementation of the Gregorian calendar. So while you would say that you took about 9 months to come out of a break-up.... In Jewish terms it would be different, in Hindu terms it would be different, in Muslim terms...in venusian terms...in Jupitarian terms......It would all be different. my point is this: even though the terms would be different - the time-period would be the same. so it's not the time (9 months) it took you that healed you. It was the time you took, (indeterminate) which healed you. And by the way - well done you. That, in comparison to some I have seen here, was to all intents and purposes, quite quick. So Kudos to you, for successfully moving on so effectively. Gregorian calendar or otherwise! I have seen heart-wrenching posts from people whose heartbreak (for whatever reason) happened 2 years or more back. And they are still in agony. The question is not so much whether time heals or whether you heal in time - the real question is - why does it vary so much, do you think? And genuinely, I'm not being argumentative - I am asking your opinion.....
Author Thatguyintx Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 my point is this: even though the terms would be different - the time-period would be the same. so it's not the time (9 months) it took you that healed you. It was the time you took, (indeterminate) which healed you. I have seen heart-wrenching posts from people whose heartbreak (for whatever reason) happened 2 years or more back. And they are still in agony. The question is not so much whether time heals or whether you heal in time - the real question is - why does it vary so much, do you think? And genuinely, I'm not being argumentative - I am asking your opinion..... Ok, I apologize. I can be defensive. Not one of my better traits! I agree the timeframe is not definite. It hasn't been definite for me from breakup to breakup. My divorce took a good year to be slightly recovered and two full years to feel complete again. Many breakups have required no time to recover. I literally would wake up the next day and be okay. This last one has been a bit different. I know one of the variables for me has been how invested I was. Other than that, it seems like the more dysfunctional the relationship, the harder to get over. Your opinion?
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 yes. I think frankly, the more baggage we carry, the harder it gets to put it down.... In essence, I think how the relationship goes also hinges on the frame of mind, or state of heart we went into it with, in the first place.... Huh...?
fetish Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Thanks for posting this. I think the hardest part of any relationship is finding that they found someone else. That's why i think remaining friends after the break up is probabl one of the worst things you can do, although many people do it. But unless you've allowed yourself enough time to heal to the point you feel indifference, it will always be hard seeing them with someone else. Me, i'm 4 months in to my break up and i've reached acceptance that we're better off without eachother, but i'm still having trouble really letting go. It pains me for me to o even try to move on to someone new. Although, it would probably take some of the sting away if i found out she was seeing someone else first.
AmericanHoney Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 OMG you are soooooo right! It is 10 times worse when you found out they have moved on with another person. My ex has another girl and it makes me feel so sad because I liked him and I thought he liked me but he chose her over me and that part hurts the most. I have moved on but there are some days when I go past the place we had our first date or when I think of a movie we saw together and the emotions come back:o
wilsonx Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Guys let them move on, you need to move on too. My ex gave me great advice, the more you dwell on this breakup the harder it is for you to let go. My ex left me for another guy she built an emotional attachment too. Does it sting yes. We were best friends and Ive seen her with other guys when I had a crush on her before we dated but reframe your mind. He/She is your EX. STOP thinking about he/she and start thinking about what you are going to do. You should be the one bettering yourself and then go into a successful relationship with someone that will treat you better. Thats what Im looking forward to. Im not dwelling on the past... Im 2.5 days NC and im still rollercoasting like a champ but the more you focus on your goals and what you want to do, I promise the less you think about her. I went out and signed up for a kickball league... Guess what Ive been thinking about today. I get to go meet 36+ new people every thursday. Guess what Im not dwelling on? Shes hanging out with her 1 guy that she left me for. Who do you think will have better odds at success (ME!) I know I will. And thats my mindset because I do not care about what shes doing or who shes doing
frankidos Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Time really does heal all wounds no matter how deep they might appear but the nonetheless the scars will will definitely remain. Healing from the wounds of a breakup while it mostly depends on time, can also be made to heal faster with the right approach. For instance, if after a breakup all you do is wallow about the separation and making all types of frantic effort to get back with your ex, then you might in a way just be prolonging the healing process. The fact is that is will take time but you can also make it faster. Going through this little post will shed some light on the process itself - http://www.wantmyexbacktips.com/surviving-a-break-up-and-learning-to-love-again/
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