vsmini Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 While I'm not a firm believer in pushing a guy to give us a title I am a firm believer in knowing exactly where you want to stand and exactly where you stand in reality. Get that answer. Now my friend made this mistake. She took her last guy saying: "I'm not seeing anyone else right now and I'm not looking" as : "I'm in an exclusive. committed relationship with you." Big miscommunication and it ended quite messily.
Emilia Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I think you are making a huge issue out of nothing. You have only known him for 6 weeks, you are barely a couple, why do you think he should celebrate his birthday with you? After a few months maybe. You sound quite clingy and I can't believe some of the women are suggesting you should break up with him.
Emilia Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Yes we have met each others friends...and I also met his mother. Also we knew each other for about a year before we dated...and we had about a 2 month flirtation before we finally started dating. He teaches lessons 2 days a week at the same place as me...and we just put on a joint recital together for our students. So I see him regularly at work and we were working together on this recital thing. (Just trying to show that even though it has been 6 weeks...there is constant interaction.) We both told each other we werent seeing anyone else. (I also told him in the beginning that I was looking for a relationship...not just to F*** around). He mentioned the "boyfriend" term a few days ago...I guess we haven't had the OFFICIAL discussion...but like I said we did have the discussion that neither of us would see anyone else. I actually was under the impression that we WERE serious about each other. Maybe I was wrong. This is a massive storm in a tiny tea cup
donnamaybe Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 You have only known him for 6 weeks,I think you should go back and re-read some of her posts.
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 While I'm not a firm believer in pushing a guy to give us a title I am a firm believer in knowing exactly where you want to stand and exactly where you stand in reality. Get that answer. Now my friend made this mistake. She took her last guy saying: "I'm not seeing anyone else right now and I'm not looking" as : "I'm in an exclusive. committed relationship with you." Big miscommunication and it ended quite messily. I can see your point. I was kind of waiting for him to bring it up...like I said..he used the word "boyfriend" the other day. But if he hadn't brought it up in a couple weeks I was going to...guess that ain't happening now! Haha
vsmini Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I can see your point. I was kind of waiting for him to bring it up...like I said..he used the word "boyfriend" the other day. But if he hadn't brought it up in a couple weeks I was going to...guess that ain't happening now! Haha I get it - I used to tiptoe through the tulips with my ex. Never wanted to be the girlfriend that wanted to clarify things or come off as clingy. It was a nightmare and I learned my lesson and am better for it in my relationships now (both romantic and friendly). I don't push issues with a man but I do get answers and ask them when I'm ready - not when I think he's ready to answer them.
denise_xo Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Are you breaking up with him because he had plans that didn't include you for his birthday, or are you breaking up over something else? (genuine, not rhetorical question)
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Are you breaking up with him because he had plans that didn't include you for his birthday, or are you breaking up over something else? (genuine, not rhetorical question) I guess I feel like I am breaking up with him because I don't believe (as a result of the bday scandal) that he takes our relationship seriously. I can't understand how he would: 1. not want to spend any of his birthday with me or at least CELEBRATE it with me (another day/time) 2. lead me to believe that he WAS going to...and then... 3. I had to ASK HIM finally when he was supposed to let ME know. That is a good question though. Those are my initial responses...perhaps after awhile I might think a little differently when I am not so hurt.
denise_xo Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) I guess I feel like I am breaking up with him because I don't believe (as a result of the bday scandal) that he takes our relationship seriously. I can't understand how he would: 1. not want to spend any of his birthday with me or at least CELEBRATE it with me (another day/time) 2. lead me to believe that he WAS going to...and then... 3. I had to ASK HIM finally when he was supposed to let ME know. That is a good question though. Those are my initial responses...perhaps after awhile I might think a little differently when I am not so hurt. Well, if you have had an otherwise good relationship up until now, maybe you can try to explain it to him like you did here and see how he reacts to it, before you give him the boot. Or have there been other issues that have bothered you in the relationship as well? Edited June 9, 2011 by denise_xo
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Well, if you have had an otherwise good relationship up until now, maybe you can try to explain it to him like you did here and see how he reacts to it, before you give him the boot. Or have there been other issues that have bothered you in the relationship as well? Yeah you might have a point. Up until this point our communication has been excellent. He is always very receptive to my needs and what not. HOWEVER I guess I feel like...if he doesn't want to spend the day with me...well...I don't want to make him. The bottom line is that he didn't want to, and also wasn't going to tell me so. So I guess I feel like there isn't really anything else to say. I don't know if I should respond to his texts or not. I think he is trying to smooth things over by telling me I am hot...but it's not working. I don't want to be hot...I want to be wanted.
denise_xo Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Yeah you might have a point. Up until this point our communication has been excellent. He is always very receptive to my needs and what not. HOWEVER I guess I feel like...if he doesn't want to spend the day with me...well...I don't want to make him. The bottom line is that he didn't want to, and also wasn't going to tell me so. So I guess I feel like there isn't really anything else to say. I don't know if I should respond to his texts or not. I think he is trying to smooth things over by telling me I am hot...but it's not working. I don't want to be hot...I want to be wanted. I see. I guess my general point (and I really only mean it generally since I have no idea what this guy is really like and whether he is worth keeping) is that this kind of thing is bound to happen in some form or another during a long term relationship. I've made a ***** out of myself a couple of times in my marriage and I've had that in return. It's not because either of us are essentially bad people, but we were thoughtless and/or didn't really understand the consequences of our actions on the other person at those particular points in time. And to get past those things, you need to communicate openly about it and try to work it out. The latter, IMO, is the real test - the ability to see and understand each other's point of view and adjust your behaviour accordingly without compromising your own core values. That's kind of the crust of the hard work of being in a relationship. And then it's up to you whether this guy is worth that kind of work or not. I'm a sucker for running away and generally think it's easier to drop it than to try to work it out, but theoretically I understand that you get less back from that approach in the long run. So, rather than texting, maybe you should just pick up the phone, call him, and lay it out on the table for discussion?
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 He's grovveling. He's trying to tell you you're special, he's sorry he's jerked you around, and he knows you have a point. But he's being really quite juvenile....This is the kind of thing I'd expect a pubescent kid to do.... Which makes my point. (Picture him as a 9-year-old. Not difficult, is it?) I rest my case.
denise_xo Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 The dating site spammer can't even spell 'dating site'
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 So, rather than texting, maybe you should just pick up the phone, call him, and lay it out on the table for discussion? Yeah...I just don't want to do that until I am not so emotional. Maybe this is immature...but I just don't want to talk to him right now. I don't really know what I would say anyway. And not that I want to play games and ignore him...but I need some time to process and get my head on straight. ALSO...he knows I am upset about it...and I think HE should pick up the phone instead of texting me compliments. That isn't going to make it go away.
denise_xo Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Yeah...I just don't want to do that until I am not so emotional. ...I need some time to process and get my head on straight. That makes total sense, sounds like a smart strategy. ALSO...he knows I am upset about it...and I think HE should pick up the phone instead of texting me compliments. That isn't going to make it go away. Sometimes one part of the equation takes less communicative responsibility than the other. In my relationship, my H does most of it. I do my best and try to compensate in other ways. But we all need to define our limits. Good luck, whichever way it turns!
Mrlonelyone Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 WOAH Hold your horses there Nelly! Allow me to splash some cold water on your face. You need to keep a little perspective. I guess I feel like I am breaking up with him because I don't believe (as a result of the bday scandal) that he takes our relationship seriously. I can't understand how he would: 1. not want to spend any of his birthday with me or at least CELEBRATE it with me (another day/time) Has he said that he would not want to celebrate it with you another time. (Bear in mind his idea of that would be after he's with the boys... he'll come home to find you wearing a bow and nothing else. He's 25 after all.) 2. lead me to believe that he WAS going to...and then... From what I have read I don't get that he lead you to belive that he was going to do anything. You expected him to spend that time with you. Your acting like a 15 year old girl who expects a guy to walk her to Algebra Class. Don't jump out the window...he won't know what he did. 3. I had to ASK HIM finally when he was supposed to let ME know. He may have sensed that you wanted to spend the time with him on that day and was avoiding the topic. Now look. Among men there is a saying. It's a horrible, sexist, misogynistic saying but it's a creedo many men hear from their friends when it comes to relationships. "Bro's before Hoe's." His same pickup artist/Douche bag friend(s) who might have said something about splitting the bill.... would say that to him. He's young so he will listen. Here's what I would do in your situation. I would just enjoy the man for who and what he is. He is a 25 year old piece of @$$ not to be taken seriously. At our age (I am but a year older than you next month) our idea of a serious relationship is not a 25 year old's. Especially for a biological woman like yourself... if you want to have children you have 5 years of really good fertility left. Do you want to waste that time with a young kid who cannot even pay a drink tab at a bar or do you want to spend it with a man of some means? Enjoy this guy until you find a man who's in his mid-late 30's or early 40's who's an associate or partner in a law firm who can support you if you lost your voice.
Cee Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Here's what I would do in your situation. I would just enjoy the man for who and what he is. He is a 25 year old piece of @$$ not to be taken seriously. At our age (I am but a year older than you next month) our idea of a serious relationship is not a 25 year old's. Enjoy this guy until you find a man who's in his mid-late 30's or early 40's who's an associate or partner in a law firm who can support you if you lost your voice. This is sassy advice, but I don't think age has anything to do with it. The guy is immature. I've know 50 year olds who have acted that way too. And I know many 20-something men who are awesome. Like my 24-year old boyfriend, who invited me to his birthday party after we were dating for 3 weeks. He treated me well that night. We met before the party and I gave him a small gift and then he introduced me to his guy friends for the first time.
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 MrLonelyOne- I did not assume that we were going to do something. We talked about it a week ago. He was just supposed to let me know if it was going to be a late thing so that I could take off work the next day. But apparently I am not invited. I wouldn't have started dating him if I didn't believe there was serious relationship potential. And I also let him know in the beginning that I wasn't looking to just mess around, I was looking for a relationship....and he said he was too. And you are asking how I know he didn't want to celebrate it with me another time....well...wouldn't he have ASKED? Especially when he saw that I was upset? I try to think about how I would respond if it was my birthday. Even if I did want to do something with my friends...I would make it so that he could come too...or I would do something earlier in the day with them or later with them and earlier with him. I would never just completely shut him out.
Sanman Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Now, I am going to give you a bit of a guy's perspective, if the guy was me or a friend at 24/25 years old. If I had been studying like crazy for the LSAT, I would need to blow off steam and have fun. My friends would likely suggest a crazy bar night or maybe even the strip club to get my mind off the craziness. I would want to have fun. It is possible having the woman I am dating for 6 weeks (have you even had a talk about whether you are exclusive or than his casual mention of the term boyfriend?) would put a damper on the festivities I already planned. Even if that is not the case, I would feel that it is too soon for her to see me stumbling around drunk and acting like an idiot. It is his birthday and the occasion is about him not you. If you feel as if he is not treating you well, address it and break up with him. However, it is a bit immature if the only reason you are breaking up with him s is because he has something planned to which you are not invited. You are not exactly in an established relationship with him at this point.
Star Gazer Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I try to think about how I would respond if it was my birthday. Even if I did want to do something with my friends...I would make it so that he could come too...or I would do something earlier in the day with them or later with them and earlier with him. I would never just completely shut him out. With all due respect, what YOU would do for YOUR birthday is really irrelevant. People think differently, want different things for their birthdays. Me? Like I said, I planned a girls only night. I did not want my beau intruding on my girl time, nor did I offer him another day. Why? Because my birthday wasn't that big of a deal in and of itself to me. Turns out it was important to HIM to celebrate it with me, so HE asked ME to do something to celebrate. I dunno, I guess I think of birthdays in such a very new relationship (if you're even on the same page about being BF/GF, which it doesn't sound like you are) as giving the birthday person the right to have one day where they don't have to put the wants of someone else first.
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Now, I am going to give you a bit of a guy's perspective, if the guy was me or a friend at 24/25 years old. If I had been studying like crazy for the LSAT, I would need to blow off steam and have fun. My friends would likely suggest a crazy bar night or maybe even the strip club to get my mind off the craziness. I would want to have fun. It is possible having the woman I am dating for 6 weeks (have you even had a talk about whether you are exclusive or than his casual mention of the term boyfriend?) would put a damper on the festivities I already planned. Even if that is not the case, I would feel that it is too soon for her to see me stumbling around drunk and acting like an idiot. It is his birthday and the occasion is about him not you. If you feel as if he is not treating you well, address it and break up with him. However, it is a bit immature if the only reason you are breaking up with him s is because he has something planned to which you are not invited. You are not exactly in an established relationship with him at this point. I can see your point. Although he is done with the LSATS and HAS already been out since then.
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 With all due respect, what YOU would do for YOUR birthday is really irrelevant. People think differently, want different things for their birthdays. Me? Like I said, I planned a girls only night. I did not want my beau intruding on my girl time, nor did I offer him another day. Why? Because my birthday wasn't that big of a deal in and of itself to me. Turns out it was important to HIM to celebrate it with me, so HE asked ME to do something to celebrate. I dunno, I guess I think of birthdays in such a very new relationship (if you're even on the same page about being BF/GF, which it doesn't sound like you are) as giving the birthday person the right to have one day where they don't have to put the wants of someone else first. And with return respect...what you do with your birthday is also irrelevant. I realize that people think differently. It is important for me to share his birthday with him...which is WHY I DID ASK HIM ABOUT IT a week ago. And I TOLD him I wanted to spend time with him that day. Which I thought we WERE on the same page about...but apparently not. And no...he doesn't have to put my needs first on his birthday...but I think that I am allowed to feel hurt that HIS needs or wants don't involve seeing me. That's all.
Star Gazer Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 It is important for me to share his birthday with him... Is it important to you that he be able to spend his birthday the way he wants? Or is it more important to you that he spend it with you?
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