SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 So Ive been dating this guy for around 6 weeks. His birthday is this weekend. I told him a few days ago that if we were going to do something late I would take Sunday off work, he just had to let me know. He stayed over last night...and this morning I asked him when I was going to see him again. He said "Well....Saturday is my birthday. I think me and a couple people are going to a club downtown..." So I looked at him...waiting for what was coming next. He said "uhhh no girls." He knows I am upset...but I didn't really say much. Who doesn't want to see their SO on their birthday??? Really?? This could be the emotion talking (I am still VERY wound up)...but I feel like this means he doesn't take us very seriously if he made plans that didn't involve me. Thoughts? Anyone else have experiences with this?
vsmini Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Was this planned way ahead in advance? You guys have been dating a short time but still. Does he ever make you a priority in any other way? It is his birthday but still....seems very strange that you were thinking about it and he wasn't. Is he emotionally invested in the two of you? He sounds like he could be a bad choice for boyfriend but we'd need to know more.
Cee Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I would be upset, too. And I would re-evaluate the relationship. I have never been iced out on a boyfriend's birthday. And if a BF didn't want me to come along, I might be okay with it if he told me in advance. And didn't wait for me to bring it up. I hope you make plans of your own on Saturday night.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 ...why 'no girls?' What is there a lap dancer? A stripper...? And why wait until you approach him to tell you? What's he hiding? Yuk......
donnamaybe Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 No girls? WTF does THAT mean? Are his friends all single? Are they gonna be puttin' moves on girls all night then? Yeah, I'd be upset. He could be worried that his guy friends are going to consider him "whipped" if he doesn't spend his birthday with them whoring around. How old is he?
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 OMG Thank you so much for all the responses! I thought maybe I was just being crazy or something! Yeah I am upset. We had talked about his birthday about a week ago...I asked him what he wanted to do...and he said he didn't know. But yeah...I did ask him to let me know...and then I had to bring it up this morning. You guys are right...that is really shady. And you know what...he knows it...because when I had the "I can't believe you just said that" look on my face...I think he said something like..."that's kinda shi**y isn't it." SO he knew. I actually did make other plans for Saturday Cee. I'll be honest...in the beginning he didn't make me much of a priority because he was preparing for the LSATS and had class every night...and he was ALWAYS studying. But the last few weeks he definitely had made me a priority...although not all the time. And yeah...what could he have imagined my reaction to be? You are going to the club to dance with your guy friends?? I don't think so. I don't really understand why I couldn't go with unless there is some kind of plan to hook up with some girls or something. I'm actually REALLY hurt by this. And maybe I am overreacting...but I feel like I don't want to see him again. I know I am emotional right now....but it's just...yeah I feel like he isn't serious about me now....
Star Gazer Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I didn't spend my actual birthday with my beau either - I went to dinner and drinks, "just girls." He didn't even blink at that, and if he had, I would have found THAT odd. He and I had a separate birthday celebration, just the two of us.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Your go to be up-front and mature. You tell him calmly and steadily that actually, yeah, you are hurt, because one, he didn't tell you what the plans were, and secondly, you were the one who had to ask. You feel that there's something shady going on, which was confirmed by his "yeah, kinda sh**y isn't it?" and even if this is a guys only planned evening, you'd appreciate some honesty and respect, because you hate to think you're in a position to mistrust him and be right about that. So ask him to come clean, and have some respect for your feelings. If you guys are going to build your relationship you must start with openness and honesty.
Star Gazer Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 And yeah...what could he have imagined my reaction to be? You are going to the club to dance with your guy friends?? I don't think so. I don't really understand why I couldn't go with unless there is some kind of plan to hook up with some girls or something. Woah, hold the phone! Are you suggesting after 6 weeks, he shouldn't be going out with his friends without you???
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Right now my reaction is that I don't want to see him anymore. Maybe its harsh...but I mean...yeah...I feel like the whole thing is really shady. He didn't suggest another time...or anything. I don't even know that I want to talk to him about it. I think I am just going to end it.
donnamaybe Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Woah, hold the phone! Are you suggesting after 6 weeks, he shouldn't be going out with his friends without you??? She brought his birthday up just a WEEK ago. Why wouldn't he have said something about it then? That just makes it look shady. And dinner and drinks with just the girls is way different than clubbing with just the guys. Even if girls go clubbing together, they dance with each other. At least my girlfriends and I do, as well as many others we see out. You just don't see guys at a club alone together unless they are on the look out. JMO.
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Woah, hold the phone! Are you suggesting after 6 weeks, he shouldn't be going out with his friends without you??? NOT AT ALL. That isn't what I am saying. What I am saying is that we had discussed his birthday a week ago....and instead of letting me know...I had to ASK and he had gone and made plans without me.
denise_xo Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I think you're overreacting. You've only seen this guy for six weeks, and he might have already had a guy's night out in mind for a while. He could have been a bit more mature about it and said up front that he had some plans that didn't involve you and maybe offered to celebrate with you the night before or after or something. But unless he's planning to be picking up lots of girls on that night out or whatever, I don't think it's such a huge deal.
vsmini Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 She brought his birthday up just a WEEK ago. Why wouldn't he have said something about it then? That just makes it look shady. And dinner and drinks with just the girls is way different than clubbing with just the guys. Even if girls go clubbing together, they dance with each other. At least my girlfriends and I do, as well as many others we see out. You just don't see guys at a club alone together unless they are on the look out. JMO. I totally agree w/ Donna. Yes - it IS his birthday and he can do whatever he wants but if a guy is really into a girl then he'll want to spend time with her.... The least he could do would be to go out with his friends on his birthday but want to go out with her to celebrate at some point in time. But to just say "going out with guys" and leave it with that - when the girl that cares about you wants to do something special - well that's crap. He should appreciate her effort. Honey - don't punish him for wanting what he wants to do and don't try to change him. Have a talk with him and if he can't give you what you want.....give him the boot.
donnamaybe Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 He should appreciate her effort. Honey - don't punish him for wanting what he wants to do and don't try to change him. Have a talk with him and if he can't give you what you want.....give him the boot. I agree. At least he already knows it was ****ty, which means it's on his conscience already. I'm banking on it being pressure from the guys (who either don't have a GF or are allowed to treat their women like they don't matter at their whim). Have a talk with him and see how it goes before you make any rash decisions. Even if he ends up going out with the guys THIS time (just so there isn't this power struggle and him having to give explanations to his friends, etc.), there should be some kind of understanding on future events and a consideration of your expectations and needs. I really don't think you're being unreasonable. This is what YOU need in a R. It may not be what everyone needs, but they aren't you.
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 I really appreciate the support guys...thank you for being so cool. I think that I am just ready to chuck it all because in a way this is playing into exactly what I was afraid of. He is 25...turning 26. And I'll be 30 in a couple months. And while he is very responsible and mature in SO many ways...I was afraid that he wasn't going to take things seriously. And yeah...if he had told me a week ago he was going to do something without me...I would be slightly hurt...but I wouldn't have been led to believe that I was going to be able to do something for him. And no he didn't even suggest like...spending the DAY together or another time. That was it. End of story. Once I calm down I will decide what to do. But honestly right now all I want to do is call him and tell him that it's over.
Cee Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I'm sorry you had to deal with this BS. You sound very level headed not to call him and let him have it. I would do what you are doing and give it a few days. If he wants to redeem himself, he easily can. A mature conversation is all he ever had to do. And my hunch is that he doesn't even know how to do that. I hope you have a great Saturday night out.
vsmini Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 And while he is very responsible and mature in SO many ways...I was afraid that he wasn't going to take things seriously. Been there - I'm 28 and my ex was 4 years younger than I and though I thought he was so mature in so many ways...when it came to relationships he was still a little boy.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 They all are, and always will be. My Mum's advice: "It doesn't matter how old they are, what job they have, what clothes they wear, how much money they earn, what car they drive or where they live - they're 9." Unfortunately, in my 54 years, no matter how many guys I've met, I haven't yet come across an exception. Bar one. Just - one. And it wasn't my dad.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I would end it over this and tell him exactly why I am ending it.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I don't know, I feel like this isn't that weird after dating for only 6 weeks. Have you met each other's friends and whatnot yet?
vsmini Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I don't know, I feel like this isn't that weird after dating for only 6 weeks. Have you met each other's friends and whatnot yet? Yea - I kind of want to agree with this too. It really depends on where the relationship is and what they expect from each other. Which might not all be established at 6 weeks. It's kind of tough. But 6 weeks in I would hope a guy and I would be into each other enough to want to spend our Bdays together or at least celebrate it.
vsmini Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 And to the OP Just to be clear - you guys have established a serious relationship. You call him boyfriend and he calls you his girlfriend....correct?
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Yea - I kind of want to agree with this too. It really depends on where the relationship is and what they expect from each other. Which might not all be established at 6 weeks. It's kind of tough. But 6 weeks in I would hope a guy and I would be into each other enough to want to spend our Bdays together or at least celebrate it. Yes we have met each others friends...and I also met his mother. Also we knew each other for about a year before we dated...and we had about a 2 month flirtation before we finally started dating. He teaches lessons 2 days a week at the same place as me...and we just put on a joint recital together for our students. So I see him regularly at work and we were working together on this recital thing. (Just trying to show that even though it has been 6 weeks...there is constant interaction.) We both told each other we werent seeing anyone else. (I also told him in the beginning that I was looking for a relationship...not just to F*** around). He mentioned the "boyfriend" term a few days ago...I guess we haven't had the OFFICIAL discussion...but like I said we did have the discussion that neither of us would see anyone else. I actually was under the impression that we WERE serious about each other. Maybe I was wrong.
Author SingVoice Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Aaaand just got a text from him that says "you're hot as hell." WTF am I supposed to say to that???
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