hermit Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Hi there... I'm a 26-year old woman, been single for more than three years and suffer from compulsively destructive behaviour towards the person I like. It's very hard to describe because it's something that I have no control over, almost like a tick. Basically, I was a very shy child and teenager (anyone who has read any of my provious threads will know I was bullied vey badly at school, but I won't go into detail now). Anyway, long story short, in my early twenties I managed to get over my shyness - to some extent by creating a sort of "wild child" persona: I had dreadlocks, dressed a little crazy, drank, smoked, slept around a bit, and that was fun for a while and felt very confident for a while. I still had trouble getting into a real relationship due to my shyness, but finally did fall for a guy who felt the same and was with him for two years until he dumped me unexpectedly. I had some kind of breakdown and loveshack really helped my get through that difficult time - thanks guys! After about 18 months I thought I was doing alright again but am now beginning to realise that although I feel ready to date and there is a guy if been interested in for over a year now, I have some pretty hefty scars. I think it's what people term "putting up a wall" - although as I said I have no control over this. I'm dying to get close to this guy and always try to either say hi or smile when I see him. Over the past few months he's started responding a bit, and there have been a few occasions where he actually spoke to me, i.e. gave me the chance to have a conversation with him (he's a naturally sweet, friendly person). Now here's the devastating bit - whenever this has happened, I ran! I basically blurted out some answer to whatever he said and just ran, or turned and started to talk to someone else. It's just breaking my heart, because he's just the nicest, sweetest guy, and I so, so want to talk to him and just hug him and hold him and I just hate myself for being so horrible to him. I can't describe it in any other way than it being some kind of panic attack, i.e. my intentions and conscious thoughts go completely out of the window - it's like I have no control over my body nor my mind, so "just acting natural" is impossible because I don't know what that is anymore in that precise moment. My guess it's a combination of fear of rejection and fear of a possible relationship ending the way my last one did, and might also have something to do with my old lack of self esteem coming back. It's like a vicious circle because the more I do this the more I hate myself for doing it and the more I feel unloveable, so I get more and more shy. Of course when I'm not near him and I can think rationally I know full well that I'm ruining my chances with him and any other chance of ever having a relationship again in my life, but as I said, I lose any kind of control over my behaviour when he's there. I was just wondering if anyone else (i.e. as an adult who is out of the teenage crush phase) has experienced this kind of compulsive behaviour and whether there's any kind of therapy or excersises (meditation, etc) that can help with this? Any input would be much appreciated... Thanks! PS/ Sorry for the lengthy post!
utterer of lies Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 An ex of mine did this too - ran away and locked herself in the toilet. After a few minutes she came back, and I teased her about it - i thought it was cute...
milkmaterial Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 is that we could call Borderline Personality Disorder? (copying and posting from the link) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:[1][14] A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).Chronic feelings of emptinessInappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms It is a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.
Thatguyintx Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I highly doubt that is BPD. BPD is marked more by a feeling that you are not whole without the other person and you act very irrationally in the relationship. I experienced it with a BPD-GF for 2 years. The trademark symptoms of BPD are the first and second on the list you provided. Great fear of abandonment and extremes of feeling for partner (alternate from "greatest thing in the world" to "worst person I have ever know "). Longest two years of my life. Loved her greatly but could not make that a permanent part of my life. This sounds more like an anxiety of some sort. Hermit, how did you feel inside as you ran away? Heart racing? Head pounding? Overly nervous?
Author hermit Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Hi, thanks so much for your very insightful replies, certainly made me think... Utterer, just curious, how old was your ex at the time? I imagine this behaviour might be kind of cute if it's a teenage girly girl, but I think once you're a "grown up" and someone who in all other situations appears to be a confident and well rounded person it might be a bit different? I'm not at all the giggly blushing type, and I imagine the vibe I give off at these awful moments is aloofness rather than shyness - a kind of left over defence mechanism from my school days when I had to try and appear cool and strong to avoid being picked on and very difficult habit to get rid of After the last time this happened (yesterday), he then kept ignoring me, which is another reason I don't really think he finds it cute... Though it's a lovely thought! Milkmaterial, this is really interesting and yes, I've thought a lot about whether it's some kind of disorder, especially as I don't seem to be able to excersise any kind of control over this behaviour. I am quite an anxious person especially in social situations/ public places, but can hide it quite well. With my friends I'm really chilled out, happy, funny and laid back, and not in any way bad tempered - if anything I have an unusually mellow temperament! I do think it could be some kind of anxiety which is rooted in my past, which is why I was wondering about possible therapies. Thatguyintx, really interesting question, I had to think quite long and hard about that one... I think I'd describe the feeling as being physically really tense, i.e. shaking, but very light headed at the same time. Looking back I think it was like my head had been completely emptied out and then just filled with air. He approached me with quite a straight forward statement and it felt like I had to search in this empty space for words with which to reply for ages. In the end I kind of blurted out two words that half made sense, turned and fled to some friends that were standing across the corridor. I can't even remember how I felt at that exact moment, just really light headed, and completely NOT IN CONTROL of my actions, like a puppet being controled from somewhere, with no mind of my own. Not sure if that makes sense, but would be great to know if anyone has the same thing going on and maybe some idea of what it is/ where it comes from and most of all how to overcome it!
utterer of lies Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Utterer, just curious, how old was your ex at the time? I imagine this behaviour might be kind of cute if it's a teenage girly girl, but I think once you're a "grown up" and someone who in all other situations appears to be a confident and well rounded person it might be a bit different? I'm not at all the giggly blushing type, and I imagine the vibe I give off at these awful moments is aloofness rather than shyness - a kind of left over defence mechanism from my school days when I had to try and appear cool and strong to avoid being picked on and very difficult habit to get rid of After the last time this happened (yesterday), he then kept ignoring me, which is another reason I don't really think he finds it cute... Though it's a lovely thought! She was 25 and doing her PhD, so she was definitely grown up. She was never the confident type, and often did weird stuff because she was too shy to do what she actually wanted. She was also worried a lot about what I would think of her behavior, but after a while she grew more confident and i guess she felt secure enough not to resort to these things anymore.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) I think it's lack of confidence and extreme fear of rejection. You are afraid of screwing up and making this guy not like you, so subconsciously you start acting in a way that insurers that he does not like you. It becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy. To make a target shooting analogy: if you start doubting whether you can hit the target, you are pretty much guaranteed to miss. Your hand starts shaking, your finger gets itchy, your breath becomes uneven...You have to purge such thoughts completely and focus on aligning the sights and pulling the trigger. In your case, the problem is that you are building castles in the sky. You have barely spoken to this guy, yet you are already thinking of a relationship and future together. Don't even think about such things. In truth, you don't even know if he finds you attractive. Instead, focus on trying to have a normal conversation and getting to know him as a person. Edited June 9, 2011 by Feelsgoodman
Author hermit Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Thanks Utterer, that's somwhat reassuring! Feelsgoodman, thanks. I'm not really after a relationship at this point, but I do really like this guy and so desperately want to talk to him PROPERLY. I resorted to a Facebook message once because I'd screwed up another chance of talking to him and he reponded so I thought I might have broken down some walls. In a sense I had because he started behaving more open and friendly towards me, but I just kept having this reflex of giving him the cold shoulder, which is just UNBEARABLE! Believe me, all I want to do at this stage is to talk to him and get to know him, and that's what's so devastatig - it's like there's this force that's pushing him away from me. The reason I mentioned relationships is simply because I know that this behaviour will ensure I'll never be able to get close to and have a relationship with ANYONE in the future. I've had this pattern with pretty much every single guy I've ever liked, whether it was serious or just a fleeting fancy...
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