BlueRaven84 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I have a few questions about meeting women. I'm inexperienced with meeting girls in person, but I've finally realized how bad internet dating is through experience and the discussions throughout the forum, so I've decided to try finding women in real life. I'm not an outgoing person, but it has nothing to do with confidence. I believe that most women should be happy to date me. I just don't have a lot to say all the time or without some kind of topic to build off of. Once the conversation starts I'm ok, but the problem is initiating it and getting the woman to contribute enough information for me to keep it going. This leads me to my first two questions. Is initiating a conversation as simple as commenting on something within the mutual field of vision or is it more complex? How do you keep the conversation going without it becoming a one sided interrogation? Sometimes I have bursts of courage/recklessness and go up to a woman and talk to her. I haven't had success in years although I only try once or twice per year. My most recent attempt at a club resulted in the woman running from me whenever I got in her sight despite her agreeing to dance with me just to give an example of one of my critical failures. My next step would be to get in situations conducive to being around women. Most of my hobbies are either solo (video games, reading, or learning how to play guitar) or mostly male populated like sports. I'm a graduate student, but most of my classmates are in relationships or international students that don't care about a relationship at the moment. I've considered taking a salsa class to learn how to dance and have an excuse to be close to women, or improv so they have to talk to me but any suggestions are welcomed. My final questions have to do with eye contact. How important is it to make eye contact with a woman before approaching her? I don't have keeping eye contact, I have a problem getting them to make eye contact. One of my friends told me to practice smiling at women, but it's kind of pointless to smile at the side of their head . I've asked some of my male friends if the same happens to them and they say no. A female friend told me that she doesn't make eye contact with someone she walks past or is around unless she finds him attractive. Am I unattractive to these women or is there another reason women avoid eye contact with men they don't know?
Dust Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Have you ever had a girlfriend? If so how serious? (time, did you live together etc.) The internet is horrible for men when it comes to dating. It brings down the quality of women. It makes it hard for even some one who is skilled in the real world of dating to be reduced to a picture, height, job, interests. (we are more then a profile.) The only way I can help you and you can help yourself is to update us with actual attempts. That means go to that salsa class you think seems fun and talk and flirt with the women there etc. Go out and try things then come back. Just get out of you house and do the things you like. Be yourself. Be yourself in front of girls. Including asking them out if you like them. Flirting with them. Touching them. Come back and update us soon of how you are actualy trying and you will teach yourself. The updates will more or less be for our entertainment. As a reward for entertaining us we will try to motivate you to try more and try harder. The key is to have fun trying. The only reason to go to a nightclub is to have fun. Sure part of the fun when I was single was trying to get women, but I never went there stressed out feeling like I had to meet a woman. I also knew that the park, or a friends bbq party, or even stuck in traffic was a better place to meet a woman then a club. So go out there and try!
oaks Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I believe that most women should be happy to date me. By your own admission: you're not outgoing, you don't have a lot to say and don't like initiating conversation, you don't know how to hold (continue) a conversation. Recent evidence (but small sample size) is that the woman ran away from you. Your hobbies are solo or male-oriented. You don't like keeping eye contact and women aren't making eye contact with you. Why do you think that most women should be happy to date you? Sorry for the assassination, but tell us about some of your positive qualities (in a dating context) so that we can help you to emphasise them, because with the stuff I repeated above I can't agree with your assertion! Apart from that, just talk to more women. Not just the ones you fancy. All of them. That'll help you with the conversation and eye contact things, and you'll eventually realise that conversation with women you fancy is just as easy as conversation with other women (which is actually just the same as conversation with guys, too... it's just talking).
Author BlueRaven84 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 I have had girlfriends before, but I've only met them online. The longest relationship I had was a little over 2 years. We didn't live with each other. Thanks. I'll give some updates once I think I made progress. For the part where I say women should be happy to date me: I can keep a conversation going as long as the woman contributes some information. I'm funny when I try so I can keep a woman entertained. I'm educated so I have a greater long term earning potential when compared to less educated people on average and can pay for dates or whatever. I don't cheat, lie, or any of the other things women complain about men doing. I'm open to new things and enjoy when women share their interests with me assuming it's not something I'll never understand like fashion and like to share mine with them. I'm fairly athletic so I think there should be some sort of physical attractiveness.
Dust Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 It’s not your job to keep the conversation going or entertain them. It’s your job to have fun and enjoy their company. The internet is a horrible place to meet women. Be yourself and flirt with a girl you really like, then ask her out. That means if you are at the coffee shop, or book store, or library, beach… where ever it is you go and you see a girl who you say to yourself “I like her, I want to get to know her” you actually go up to her and try to make her laugh or what ever, you just flirt (asking what time it is and then mentioning the weather could be considered flirting if you do it with a smile) then just ask her out to do something fun like have dinner at good place. Go for it man. Then on the date its not your job to just talk and entertain. Enjoy just being out with her, enjoy silence if you don’t have anything to say and she doesn’t. Maybe that would be a good time to get close and kiss her. Good luck, get us some updates the weekend draws near.
stepka Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 If you make eye contact with a woman, she will look away, whether she likes you or not. If she looks again, then she was interested enough to at least look again and check you out. Those are the ones you can start a convo with. It can be anything--the weather might seem like a stupid subject, but it's not contrived and that's a positive. If it sounds too contrived she'll think you're a wannabe PUA. As for convo, the best way to keep it going is to ask questions that will get a greater response than yes/no, and you should listen for little clues as to what she's interested in, b/c the sooner you can go there, the more likely that the convo will last. As for activities: anything that men and women can share, like dancing or hiking, is good. Meetups are fun and will help you expand your friend network, which can only help.
stepka Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I suppose you are getting desperate to meet a woman and I am scared you will end up in a wrong way. Still I suggest if you meet a girl try to be a friend and make a good friendship then you may think going beyond this. Because if you like that girl you will have the option to pick her as a gal friend but if you do not like her that much you two can be just good friends!!! Albert:bunny: Still scratching my head on that one.
Author BlueRaven84 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) An update about the weekend finally. On Saturday a friend came over and we played Rockband in the living room. I guess the other roommates were having a party because people were all over the house so they joined us at times. The men significantly outnumbered the women so I didn't really try to talk to any of the three women. There were at least ten men. However, two of the women came and played. One sat next to me and the other across the room. I asked the one that sat near me her name and she told me then asked for mine and said that I was a good singer. I made some comments to her, but she didn't really say anything so I didn't continue. She said my friend was a good singer too, so it reinforced my thought that her compliment to me wasn't something I should feel special about since she is just like that to men if not all people. They said they were going to come back and went outside with the other people and ended up leaving without coming back. I wasn't really attracted to her, but I was able to prove to myself that I could talk to a woman. I hung out with a female friend at her house with her friends on Sunday. We played a board game and we all made brownies. Nothing too exciting as far as dating. I met her through a dating web site, we went on a date, and nothing took off from there. Today I went with a male friend to go ice skating. Sadly, there were mostly kids or couples, so I wasn't able to talk to any women. There was a guy there that kind of looked like a pro wrestler so I commented to him about it and we talked a little and that's it. Overall, I can talk to people if I don't have to intentionally go up to them. If we happen to be within talking distance it's not too hard for me. There was a woman at a restaurant that I wanted to talk to, but I didn't know what I would say other than hi and ask her for her name. Edited June 23, 2011 by BlueRaven84 Formatting wasn't correct.
Dust Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 How about something creative like “Lets get dinner <insert time and place here>” Enough of you’re “I don’t know what to say” excuses.
oaks Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 There was a woman at a restaurant that I wanted to talk to, but I didn't know what I would say other than hi and ask her for her name. Hmm. Talk about the restaurant and the food. "Have you eaten here before?" if she has then "What dishes can you recommend?" or if not "What are you going to order?" or "Why did you come tonight?". If she's already eating, "What did you get? Is it any good?" Perhaps also "Are you on your own?" and if she is, "Me too. Can I join you for dinner?"
GivenUp0083 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I actually have a hard time with this as well. I'm a pretty outgoing guy, I've had my share of relationships, and many of my dates in recent years were from online dating. I can agree with above that online dating is a total waste of time and energy for men, do not go that route. Being one of a dozen men at a party with just 2 women is not an idea situation either, and I've found if anything that the right move is to not pursue them. If they're interested in you in the slightest, they'll approach you. Pretending like they aren't there and just having fun sets you apart from the other 11 guys who are trying so hard to talk to them. If you don't, they'll wonder why. I do have a hard time approaching random strangers despite living in Chicago. I always have a hard time figuring out what to say. I don't know how to start that conversation. I'm in sales and I cold call quite a bit, but typically I know my reason for calling and I use various scripts. Approaching women is different, I just draw a blank when I want to approach them. I get stage fright I guess, and I don't know why. What are some exact phrases or lines I can use to start conversation? Not pickup lines, just ways to directly start banter? I do fine once the conversation is going, it's just getting started that is hardest for me...
oaks Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 What are some exact phrases or lines I can use to start conversation? Not pickup lines, just ways to directly start banter? I do fine once the conversation is going, it's just getting started that is hardest for me... Exact phrases... for unknown situations... I think that's why people invented pickup lines - they are generic enough that they work in lots of situations. I think starting a conversation can be very location specific... where are you going to be when you start these conversations? You can talk about the weather pretty much anywhere, especially if it's unusual or extreme (good or bad) right now, but even that falls flat if you can't see outside from where you are so it doesn't work well from a basement bar. Specific example, which probably only works in London, "I see it's raining again. Of course, Wimbledon just started this week so that explains it. Do you watch tennis?" Often you can talk about where you are. Afterall, it's one thing you have in common with the person you're going to talk to. At a train station, everyone is either going somewhere (where?) or waiting for someone (who?), and things are either running on time or they are late (which is it?). Specific example, when standing in front of the departure board (and you'll never guess this one...), "So where are you going?" or "This is a pleasant surprise, everything is running on time tonight. Which train are you waiting for?" If you want an area to practice on, go for that situational aspect. Go to the train station and have train-related conversation. Go to the park and talk about the pretty flowers. Go to the town square and talk about the statue in the middle ("Who's the guy on the horse?"). Go to the river and talk about the boats ("Have you been on one of those?"). Try an art gallery, where you can ask "which one is your favourite piece?" (but have one yourself). Or, if there's a daily free paper in your area, read the front page or the back page or some other major story. Ask someone if they read it (and wave the paper for emphasis) and what they think.
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