fleur_de_me Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 We broke up almost a year ago- he ended things right before I left to go to grad school, I was completely destroyed because I really loved him and thought he really loved me. After a painful few months of back and forth NC and some contact- I decided to really commit to NC as a New Year's resolution to myself. He emailed a few times in February and March, but I ignored it. I found out a few months ago I got this amazing summer internship back in New York where the ex lives, it was a tough decision, but I decided to take it since it was a great opportunity for me. As the start date got near, I was feeling like I made a lot of progress and maybe I would re-open contact with the ex and maybe try to catch up with him while I was there. Tonight I unblocked him from facebook and saw that he had a profile picture with a new girl. It made me physically sick to see him with someone else. He has two profile pictures with her- he never posted pictures of me on facebook. I guess things are really serious. It is the most horrific pain I could imagine right now. I probably shouldn't have done it- but I wanted to know what his situation was before I decided if I was going to make contact. I guess now I will not. I am supposed to leave for NY in a few days, but right now I feel like I don't even want to go. I am a complete wreck over this. I know it is my fault for unblocking him, but why is this still affecting me so much almost a year later? I hate him so much. And as an aside, she's not even nearly as pretty as me!!!! Hope I get hit by a bus.
wilsonx Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Ok Im going to give you some advice because i felt the same way about my ex gf that broke up with me for some 14 year older cook that she works with. You need to get into this mindset that "IT DOESNT MATTER" I know it hurts but the more you let it hurt the longer it is going to take to for the pain to go away. I had all these evil plans on making my ex jealous and I was going to waste money to do so but why? "It doesnt matter" You arent with him anymore, move on or try to, stop living in the past Do you know where I got this mindset from... my brother who took me out tonight and the very attractive bartender that served us. She gave me a lot of advice. I was angry that my ex is dating someone WELL Below my league and she told me that she is doing it because she is trying to bring me down to her level to feel better about herself. And you know what she did, she brought me down to her level and I failed. But I'm taking the reigns of my own life and bringing myself back up
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Is this something you can honestly forgive? What i mean is can you actually have a relationship in the future where this will not impact and influence everything you do with this person for the rest of your life with them? If your answer is honestly "no, its not" then your worries stop there. If your conclusion is one that they cannot be in your life, then EVERYTHING they do, good or bad, is wholly irrelevant and meaningless as far as you are concerned because nothing is going to change that end result. When you truly internalize this, you will feel liberated to live a life that is for you. Its rad. And for the record, my ex and i were about to be engaged, and she left me for a dude after knowing him for two weeks (this was two days ago...seriously) and had been seeing him for those two weeks, since the FIRST DAY she met him...i mean this isnt normal person behavior, so shes totally out of my life....but yeah, we never had a picture on fb together and we were together for two years...who cares, these people suck).
Author fleur_de_me Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Thanks guys- I know it shouldn't matter but it hurts so much. I really did everything I could to "get over him" this year. I lived my life- dedicated myself to my studies, won national awards for my research and a really competitive fellowship. I also dated other people (although I realized I wasn't really "into it"), took care of myself physically and tried to really make a life for myself in my new town. I guess I am confused because I don't get why I wasn't enough to fight for. This girl is young- 22 (he's 33 by the way and has a son). I felt like we had a really amazing relationship, I loved him and his son- he introduced me to all of his family and friends and we had really built a life for ourselves. It is a horrible feeling to see myself replaced, because when we were breaking up he kept saying that I was someone really special and that maybe we could get back together if I came back after grad school. Now I'm feeling torn about whether I should cut contact with our mutual friends who I was planning to see. It might be too much for me.
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 You dont need all the answers. Sometimes, just let things proceed as they do. Cut him out of your life. You are worth fighting for; its the man who withdraws and stops caring so quickly that isnt worth fighting for. So stop fighting. Accept that his removing of himself from your life will probably be a gift to you because it has freed you, liberated you, to find that person WHO IS worth it. Trust.
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 When someone does something what has been done to you to another person, it is important to realize that it isn't about you or something that is inherently flawed about you; you are not the impetus for this, truly. This sounds cliche, but its not. To treat another in this manner requires a fundamental issue with the person. Thus, what they are doing is about them. So you cant take it personally, to the extent that it reduces your own sense of self worth. You are a valid person, with important feelings and thoughts. You always were, and always will be. This person has something that is deeply inside them messing with their interpersonal skills. You dont. That is why it doesnt make sense. Sometimes, you have to let go of the things you cant understand because the illogical and abnormal will never be susceptible to rationalization. Its just best to accept what you may never know or understand. Love yourself, because You can never give yourself to another (who will be far more deserving, I promise) without first knowing your own principles, and boundaries, and what YOU want. Stay strong. I promise the hurt will be more fleeting than you realize.
Author fleur_de_me Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Thanks OhioLaw, I think that's the hard part, because I know what you're saying is right. What makes it worse is that I feel like he was the one who really pursued me, really brought me into his life and made me fall in love with him...and I did, completely. He made his world my world and then he threw me to the curb without a second thought. I guess I'm angry with myself because I thought I'd be over it by now, that I would have found someone better than him and moved past it all. I dated other people, but to be honest none of them made me feel the way he did. He's a messed up guy for sure- he has a lot of deep emotional problems that he hasn't fixed, and I know that contributed to his behavior to some degree. I guess I can't understand why he didn't fight for me more when I would have done anything to make it work. Thanks so much for your kind words- they are really helping me right now try to deal with this. I feel like my friends and family can't understand why I even still care, so I don't want to talk to them about it anymore.
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