Here is what I realized after two terrible relationships with the same shell of a gir

[OhioLaw1987]

(see my other posts...when i explained to my ex how hurt i was after she did this the second time, and was moving in and sleeping with a new guy she met a week ago and had told me two weeks ago she wanted engagement in the next year, she said "well life happens, grow up"...okay...varying degrees of sensitivity between she and i evidently. But here is what I think now...this is from a post I wrote recently, so may be somewhat out of context, but I am too lazy to rewrite for more general applicability)

 

 

First things first, do NOT, under any circumstances, contact your ex. DO NOT DO IT. She knows you miss her, she knows you love her, and she knows you want to contact her. As long as she still knows that, she doesnt want to talk to you. Why? Who knows expect for her and she herself probably doesnt know, which is why you are in this place to begin with (more on this later). Just take my advice on this. I am the king of breaking NC and it has never once done me any good, no matter how I try to rationalize it. Trust me on this.

 

As has been said countless times on here, I know what you are experiencing. Just yesterday, my girlfriend of 2 years decided to break things off with me permanently (so it seems), after we had broken up for a while starting in January and had only been back together for about 2 months. So a totally destroyed second chance. (Check out my other posts if you want some context...its not pretty, but it never is). Not only did she nix things with me, but I came to learn a whole heap of information that was absolutely devastating to my confidence, psyche, and feelings. Shes with another guy already. Mind you, the break up consisted of me learning "I am with someone else, so we are done." That was it.

 

Okay, so now to why I felt the need to tell you that in relation to what you are going through. A break up is truly never easy for either party. No matter how it seems. Why it comes off that it is easy for one party is because the dumper has contemplated it, has come to terms with it, and has made the choice. They simply are further along in the process than those on the receiving end. That is why you acted like you did when she ended it. And you arent alone in having done that. I did the exact same thing when my ex and i broke up in January, and when we broke up yesterday, knowing that it was probably not the best thing to do; i was hurt, and i reacted. You have to realize that while its not "okay" per se to fly off the handle, at a certain point, hearing something so conflicting as what she was telling you is understandably going to elicit a confused, out of character response from you. The problem is that your ex is confused. I dont know your ex, but if she was as certain of her feelings for you as you are of your feelings for her, you simply wouldn't be in this place. Because of this, your ex is likely at present thinking in a non-linear way. To her, its not a matter of "I crushed this guy, so now I need to expect that he will be angry and feel a flood of emotion." Rather, its "I am confused, what do I do?" and she runs on impulse, with your reactions to make sense of something that is totally nonsensical right now serving as the "confirmation" of her choice that she is wholly confused about. Having said that, you cannot take all of the blame in this situation. My ex actually served as the impetus of my current instability, but refuses to recognize that and makes it all about her. Doesnt excuse my behavior, but it also doesnt mean she isnt without fault. So, be kinder to yourself about your actions. Stop them immediately, and stay strong, but also forgive yourself for being what you are: a human being, who has flaws and makes mistakes, just like everyone else.

 

If there is one thing that I have learned in my series of relationships, especially with my current ex, its that "chances" are not something you can predict. My ex has told me many times in the past she'd never love me, or have feeligns for me, or dated someone else, and we ended up reconciling. I have done the same. At your age, things change and rework themselves. The sooner you accept that and are content with that, the better off you become, and your ex too. Maybe it does work out, but I dont think either of you should worry about that right now. She clearly is confused. And you are hurt. Stay out of each other's way right now. I can tell you this with absolute certainty: If you get back together before all wounds have healed, and you both have had time to improve, it will only be worse when the same thing happens again. Trust me, its what I am experiencing as I sit here and type this post. And simply because she might come back and say she is ready, and has figured things out, dont let her waltz back in. You need to be entirely over what has happened before you could ever try again. I dont mean forgiving of her, and willing to take her back. I mean entirely over it. LIke you could spend your life without her and be fine with that. Its time you worry about you, because dude, that is what this girl is doing. Saying she loves you and wants you to be her friend is her telling you that she sees some value in you, but not enough to commit to you like you are willing to commit to her, and while thats life and she has a right to feel that, you have a right to think thats really inequitable, to not want that, and to tell her no, you arent okay with that. She broke up with you man, you dont owe it to her to make it simple and easy for her to have exactly what she wants. Are you getting exactly what you want? NO. And does she care enough to cave in and give it to you? No, and no one would ever say that she would be obligated to do so. So then why are you? Basically, she is saying to you "I dont want to be with you, but if I ever decide that I want to, then you can have me back." You live your own life man, but I know that I am not willing to accept that for myself, and neither should you.

 

Think of it like this: the one thing you can control is your own confidence. She likes that confidence, but its not there anymore. Dont bring the wrong kind of clarity to her confusion by devaluing yourself by crawling back. I have done that, and it has left me tattered. I am watching the woman I bought an engagement ring for be with a new guy immediately, two weeks after telling me she loved me more than anything and would never have a complete life without me in it. Its a lot to do with her, but I do regret not taking more time away from her and not just leaving her the heck alone.

 

And one more thing: if she runs into another guy's arms anytime relatively soon, its most likely a rebound. And honestly, that probably bodes well for you for two reasons: (1) as a seemingly confident dude with options, you can say "forget this" and move on with some closure, at least for the time being; and (2) she will see what you have to offer. Even if it takes a while, they ALWAYS do man, unless its just TRULY not meant to be, in which case you end up finding someone better as well.

 

One of two things happens here: (1) you reconcile and have a life together; (2) you meet the real woman you are meant to be with. While its hard to see this now, in either instance, you are coming out ahead. Don't hold yourself back.

[knathema]

What a great post. All the things that you said are so true. I am currently in the process of healing from a relationship of 3 years. It has been almost 2 months since she have ended things with me. It has been difficult and stressful, and things are getting a lot better as i have been focusing on myself and keeping the NC up. Still have up and downs .. which i think it's normal but i am no longer putting down and depressed like i was the first week.

 

She has been texting me for the past week asking how was my mom and how i was doing. The last text she said that she missed having me in her life and that she wishes that we could be friends. I am actually really angry that she has the guts to say that to me. She got into another relationship 4 days after we broke up with the guy that she been talking to. I can't really forgive her for that, well not right now anyway. I honestly don't understand why she is trying to establish contacts with me when she is with another guy, how can she be so selfish?

 

And now, i contacted her 2 days ago so i could get the money that she borrowed from me, she seemed so friendly but i wasn't really talking to her and i acted kinda cold and then she got kinda pissy. wtf?

[OhioLaw1987]

Best thing to do is to realize something that you said: you cannot forgive her for what shes done....same thing with my ex. If that is the conclusion at the base level, then, really, nothing she says or does (good, bad or neutral) has or should have any real significance or impact on you. Its a matter of taking a view where at this point, you've see something you dont want in your life, and its entirely acceptable for you to keep that out of your life. So keep it out. Who cares what she says, does, thinks or feels...she sure as heck didnt care about those things with respect to you when she was waltzing on your heart with her new lover, was she? Just ignore her man. They always come back, even if its as a friend or to find validation of some kind. Sometimes, when its a girl who did things the proper way and respected your feelings and difficulties in the choice she made, you think about it. When they do the opposite, as our exes have done, you write them off. The way i see it, when you chose to date me and let me give you all this love i have to give, you are also accepting that that same passionate and loving intensity that I am giving to you is going to be hurt and want answers when you stomp on my heart. But, people who do that to others often aren't even thinking of anyone else at any point.

[Lilmisus]

Really great post. Long, but worth the read.

 

I can just imagine this being part of some sort of booklet given to those recently dumped who are still heartbroken and unsure on how to proceed

[Nohbody]

Very well said! Voting 5 stars.

Edited June 9, 2011 by Nohbody

[dreamscape123]

A very very good post... The last bit about rebound was good to read too.. Thanks for taking the time to write and post this......