Lilmisus Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I'm tired of thinking about my breakup; but even more, I'm tired of posting on here about it. But I honestly feel like I have no where else to turn to. I know I do..I have a great support group within my family and friends who have let it be known that their shoulders are there to cry on, but...I just can't turn to them about this. I feel that they wouldn't understand.. It's just that..every time I take a few steps forward, I just take a few more steps back. It feels as though I'm moving on quite nicely from my ex. I don't really miss him too much anymore. I don't long for him to hold me. I don't daydream about him anymore. I don't even care too much about where he is or what he's doing. I'm still a long ways away from being completely over him though, and I realize that..since I do love him still..he's just not the focus of my life anymore. My issue is that I'm no where near over the breakup. It hurt me a lot, in more ways than just one..and it still feels like I'm broken from it. Thing is..is that I feel that I don't mean anything at all. Like..I was just a waste of time, and easily replaced and forgettable. That I am worthless and wasn't worth being loved back. That's how he and others made me feel. When I gave him all that I could, and got nothing in return. Crazy, huh? It's just that...I worked there for three years..and I made some pretty amazing friends and connections there. I found what I thought to be, a great guy. People there always told me that they loved me, and he swore to me that he had no intention of dating anyone else there, or another coworker at all, after me. He didn't even intend to date me..it just happened, he said I was "worth it." Then the girl he left me for came along a year later, I made friends with her, like everyone else, as she started working the job I was trying to leave. Some people loved her (most don't..but that's just what they tell me), and I got along well with her. We had a whole lot in common...it was like, she was another me, but just younger, prettier (debatable), nicer, and more immature. It's crazy how how much her and I have in common..and that's why I thought we were and could be good friends. Of course most of you know the rest of the story. She pursued him while we were together, "hung out" with him a few times, while being my "friend" and being my "shoulder to cry on" when we broke up (saying how dumb he was to leave me..how I'm so pretty, it's his loss, and all this bs). He left me for her, and they both, along with others lied to me about it. Left it up to me to find out what was going on. Then she flaunted it in my face, and he said he was "happy now." I trusted them all. All of the people who lied to me..but especially him. When I found out that they all lied though..it damaged a part of me that feels like will never be the same..though I know it will just take time to heal. I've been having serious trust issues since. Keeping people at bay. Not making any more connections. Not trusting a guy when he comes up to talk to me. Not even trusting my friends who I love to pieces, to truly care and be there for me..and to understand. Those who I held closest (those two along with five other "friends"), screwed me over to the point where I'm holding it against others in my life..wrongfully so. I forgive him. I've moved on nicely from him it feels like, and I know I could be friends with him in the future. Her though..I hate with a passion. I hate who she is, and all she took from me. She took my job (that I gave her, I'll admit). My boyfriend. My friends. And more than all, my trust. I was replaced by her..when I was always told that I was "irreplaceable". A huge part of me feels like I need therapy. But..I don't think my parents (who'd I have to talk to first about it) would understand and would think it was a good idea..much less go with it, especially since we don't have that type of money. All that would happen, is that they'd be more worried about me, and force me to go to church I think. I know it's dumb to let this effect me as much as it has...but I can't help it. It cut way too deep..and I honestly don't know what to do.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 How long were you with him? A year. Not long at all.
betterdeal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Have you considered moving town, making a fresh start somewhere?
Author Lilmisus Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Have you considered moving town, making a fresh start somewhere? Yes, I have. But I don't think that will solve my problems. It wont make me feel any better about myself, or help me trust people again, ya know? I already have a new job, and keep little contact with my old friends and coworkers there. I just don't have the money or the means to do so. I'm just a college student, making a living off of tips. If I could though, I would, without question. My dad suggested it to me after the breakup, saying that an aunt picked up and moved to California one day, and her life has been so much better since. That was about 20 years ago, and she never looked back. God..I wish I could do that.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 So what's holding you back? From moving, or from moving on?
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Yoga. I know that sounds hippy, but I am serious. When my ex and i split up the first time, I went off the deep end. I was put on all sort of medications and yeah they helped. Then I was told to try yoga. I did. And now that my ex has left me again, and under far more devestating circumstances, i honestly attribute my calmness and awareness about it to yoga because I have stopped taking my medicines. Further, talk therapy really helps. And getting out and active. Its a rough situation. Its exhausting. But look at the sheer number of posts on here: there are others out there who have gone through this, and are currently going through it. Find solace in the fact that life is tough, but many many people have made it through. You will too. For sure. I am heartbroken, but I know that my heart is broken now so that it wouldnt be broken later, when life would have slipped away on a person who truly never loved me. Try to see the positivity in a new beginning. Its sometimes hard. But as my Mom always says, "if you are totally comfortable with things in your life, you probably arent growing." ( I remind my mother that such advice seems to advocate that one go out and try to enter into awkward scenarios....she calls me a wiseass). But you get the idea. Just try to realize your own potential to be who you are, for you, and on your terms. There is something really liberating about that, and other people will notice. And the right person for you will be one of those people....so why delay that for another minute?
Author Lilmisus Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Yoga. I know that sounds hippy, but I am serious. When my ex and i split up the first time, I went off the deep end. I was put on all sort of medications and yeah they helped. Then I was told to try yoga. I did. And now that my ex has left me again, and under far more devestating circumstances, i honestly attribute my calmness and awareness about it to yoga because I have stopped taking my medicines. Further, talk therapy really helps. And getting out and active. Its a rough situation. Its exhausting. But look at the sheer number of posts on here: there are others out there who have gone through this, and are currently going through it. Find solace in the fact that life is tough, but many many people have made it through. You will too. For sure. I am heartbroken, but I know that my heart is broken now so that it wouldnt be broken later, when life would have slipped away on a person who truly never loved me. Try to see the positivity in a new beginning. Its sometimes hard. But as my Mom always says, "if you are totally comfortable with things in your life, you probably arent growing." ( I remind my mother that such advice seems to advocate that one go out and try to enter into awkward scenarios....she calls me a wiseass). But you get the idea. Just try to realize your own potential to be who you are, for you, and on your terms. There is something really liberating about that, and other people will notice. And the right person for you will be one of those people....so why delay that for another minute? That is a seriously great quote from your mom, and I think I'll have to steal it It and what you said are very true, and just reading it helped brighten my mood a bit, so thank you for that. I told myself something along those lines many times for the past 2.5 months (since the breakup), but for some reason, lately (since the fifth) the pain came back in full force, and clouded my vision of the future and my judgment. Sometimes though, you just can't shake that feeling of worthlessness, even if you know you are worth so much more. And yoga is also some great advice. I tried it earlier this year, but due to school and work and whatnot, I only tried it a handful of times. I've heard it help many others in the past, so it would definitely be worth a shot to try again. Something else I'm thinking of trying as a source of calmness (maybe not awareness though), is photography. Haven't done it in too long, and it was always my way to escape. (Oh, and if anyone else feels how I do right now, or ever..an amazing song to listen to is "The Letter" by the Newsboys. It's a Christian song, but filled with so much hope for someone in my spot..that even if you aren't Christian, it's hard not to love it. Just a suggestion for others in the same boat I'm in)
Rudeman27 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I'm sorry about what you have been going through lilmisus. I break up is never an easy thing, especially when it effects so many other people you were close to. I don't think your friends lied to you to be deceptive though. Maybe they were just trying to shield you from the pain they knew you would feel if you knew the whole story. I hope that you start to realize you can trust again, and not let this hurt cause unhealthy apprehension in future relationships. As for the other girl, just believe in karma, everything gets sorted out in the long run. Wasting your time hating her is just bringing you down, she is a back stabber the always get the do in the end. BTW you must be prettier than her, you didn't have to resort to back stabbing anyone to get your ex. Your ex on the other hand, isn't worth a possible friendship in the future. He was the one who blatantly dis-regarded your relationship. You deserve so much better. Stay strong.
betterdeal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 From moving, or from moving on? From moving. It doesn't have to be right away. If you unfinished business in your town (such as a college course) then you can start planning to move after that. That's what I'm doing. Am taking a month off (resigned my job) and using the time to think about it calmly. I'll add my support for yoga too! Or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or any martial art. I started yoga 3 months ago and love it. Am doing it every day now. Great for mind, body and soul. What's happened since the 5th? Has the weather changed? Often I found that something current was upsetting my happiness, and I was mistakenly referring back to my ex when I felt weak. Discerning what's a current problem and dealing with that has helped me feel better. The longer term work was in dealing with the hurt from that past relationship, but separating that from the rainy day or the sore toe really helped. Also, listening to music that supports you helps. Oh, and dancing and singing. Maybe do some singing classes, if you like to sing. A song for you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=3446098
RuinedLife Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Thing is..is that I feel that I don't mean anything at all. Like..I was just a waste of time, and easily replaced and forgettable. That I am worthless and wasn't worth being loved back. That's how he and others made me feel. When I gave him all that I could, and got nothing in return. I can REALLY relate to that. Those feelings of worthlessness. It was me that triggered my break up though, so however worthless I feel I can't really blame my ex for cutting me out so easily. I can only blame myself. I just want to feel wanted and worth something again My family is supportive, but my ex was the best friend I've ever had, my only real friend and thus being completely rejected by him has been a double blow. And I can't blame him. I can only blame myself. So its as if I'm constantly attacking myself. I guess it just takes time to get over these things. More time for some than others. Has been over 4 months since my break up and the pain is still unbearable everyday, collapsing on the ground in despair frequently, not eating, not sleeping, no energy to do anything and constant hopelessness and dark thoughts of harming myself. As if I'm punished maybe I'll be forgiven. I try to live in denial, but its not working so well anymore now the truth is seeping through.
betterdeal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I can REALLY relate to that. Those feelings of worthlessness. It was me that triggered my break up though, so however worthless I feel I can't really blame my ex for cutting me out so easily. I can only blame myself. I just want to feel wanted and worth something again My family is supportive, but my ex was the best friend I've ever had, my only real friend and thus being completely rejected by him has been a double blow. And I can't blame him. I can only blame myself. So its as if I'm constantly attacking myself. I guess it just takes time to get over these things. More time for some than others. Has been over 4 months since my break up and the pain is still unbearable everyday, collapsing on the ground in despair frequently, not eating, not sleeping, no energy to do anything and constant hopelessness and dark thoughts of harming myself. As if I'm punished maybe I'll be forgiven. I try to live in denial, but its not working so well anymore now the truth is seeping through. First thing, if you are thinking of self-harming DON'T. No-one is worth that. Call Samaritans or see your doctor if you continue to feel this way. I know it must feel terrible right now, but you are a good person and you will get through this. Your sense of guilt and self-blame are what are making you feel like this, not the act of splitting up. When a relationship is an unhappy one, dissolving the relationship is a perfectly valid way to change things, especially when it's the only other option you know of. It's only by changing things that things change. You're not to blame. Trust me, you're not. It wasn't working, that's all. Now you have time and space in which to become a better friend to yourself. Be your own best friend. Say kind things to yourself every day. Accept that you are a beautiful, kind, unique, clever, sensitive, lovely person, and tell yourself that at least five times a day. And, if it all gets too much, ask for help, from a helpline such as Samaritans.
RuinedLife Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) Your sense of guilt and self-blame are what are making you feel like this, not the act of splitting up. When a relationship is an unhappy one, dissolving the relationship is a perfectly valid way to change things, especially when it's the only other option you know of. Its ok, I won't actually self harm I don't think and I have a psychotherapist coming to see me today and for the next few days to help me through my intense anxiety, ocd thoughts I'm having at the moment. My relationship was a happy relationship though, a very happy relationship for the most part. I just let my feelings of anxiety overwhelm me and said things impulsively that I should never have said. I love my ex so much still, I think about him all day every day and dream about him at night. I just wish he would forgive me and love me again like he used to. But I don't think he'll ever really forgive me let alone love me like he once did. The heartbreak and the shame just hurts so much, because to get over a heartbreak you have to rebuild your self esteem but mine is constantly battered by my own feelings of self-hatred for causing the break up. I'm constantly replaying the events of the break up in my mind as if its happening over and over (ocd thinking) and this is preventing me from moving forward, and why even after over 4 months has gone by I'm still stuck in the "initial stages, shock, denial" (although I suffer from depression too) of break up recovery. Edited June 9, 2011 by RuinedLife
betterdeal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I'm glad to hear you have a therapist visiting you tomorrow. Hope you let us know how that goes! As for what you said, we all say dumb things, even hurtful things from time to time. Its how we recover from those things that makes the difference. Between you and your ex you guys just didn't have the right skills at the time to cope with things as a couple, that's all. You say "heartache and shame", I say "grief and sorrow". If you grieve your loss, and shed your tears, you will find it easier to move on, to let go of the fear and hurt inside, and become better. You're unwell at the moment, and a very intricate and delicate thing - just like most people. Relationships are hard to get right when you're unwell because they involve two intricate things interacting with each other. So maybe you have done the right thing, by setting him and you free, you can now focus on making yourself well, strong, flexible, happier, more independent you. You sound like you might have strong traits that meet the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnostic criteria. Ask your therapist about that. I know a lot of resources about BPD if you'd like to know more. There are new therapies for it. It is a difficult syndrome and there is fear about it out there, but it is manageable and recoverable.
Kodo Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 My relationship was a happy relationship though, a very happy relationship for the most part. I just let my feelings of anxiety overwhelm me and said things impulsively that I should never have said. Maybe you did say the wrong things BUT, shouldn't the person who understands you the most be the one who can forgive you for it and more importantly, understand it? None of our exes are perfect. But we learn to live with that imperfection. Obviously they can't.
betterdeal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Maybe you did say the wrong things BUT, shouldn't the person who understands you the most be the one who can forgive you for it and more importantly, understand it? None of our exes are perfect. But we learn to live with that imperfection. Obviously they can't. We are exes too. It's everyone and no-one's fault. It's not what you've lost but what you find that matters.
inandouttalove Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I know exactly how you feel. In time it will get better NO one in this world is worth hurting yourself over I understand how you feel .I get to the point where I cry non stop and feel like everything is meaningless , but I know its hard sometimes it feels impossible but you must try to do other things to get your mind off the sadness believe me I know how hard it is I am going through pain of my own and it feels like my heart is forever broken I know in time it will heal but you know thats whats great about this forum you can express yourself and share your story with people and we can all help each other heal it takes time but you will and you will find someone who is worthy of you .be strong take it a day at a time i am so thankful for this forum it is helping me alot cause I see that there are many people who are dealing with this and I am not alone
Author Lilmisus Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 From moving. It doesn't have to be right away. If you unfinished business in your town (such as a college course) then you can start planning to move after that. That's what I'm doing. Am taking a month off (resigned my job) and using the time to think about it calmly. I'll add my support for yoga too! Or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or any martial art. I started yoga 3 months ago and love it. Am doing it every day now. Great for mind, body and soul. What's happened since the 5th? Has the weather changed? Often I found that something current was upsetting my happiness, and I was mistakenly referring back to my ex when I felt weak. Discerning what's a current problem and dealing with that has helped me feel better. The longer term work was in dealing with the hurt from that past relationship, but separating that from the rainy day or the sore toe really helped. Also, listening to music that supports you helps. Oh, and dancing and singing. Maybe do some singing classes, if you like to sing. A song for you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=3446098 What's keeping me from moving is college. I'll be a senior this coming semester, and then I'll have one more semester after that..so not until winter of next year can I leave this place. I would move for the summer, but I don't really have any place to go. What with the fact that I have so little money, and that my "home" is here, along with my family..there's no where else I can really go. Right now, I'm waiting tables, and what with living in a tourist destination, this is probably the best place for me to make money right now so that I can save up and get my ass out of this town. But even considering that fact..servers make squat...so it will take forever to save up enough money to get outta here (especially since I have to pay for school first and foremost). And the fifth - was going to be our one year anniversary. Brought back a wave of reminders, and actually made me think about him and the relationship and everything, something that I tried not to do. It just reopened the wound..especially when I was expected to wish my brother and sister-in-law a happy anniversary, when I was just trying to ignore the day (we started dating at their wedding). So..I just went downhill from there. But! This thread was started a couple of days ago now, and since then..I've been focusing on staying more positive and surrounding myself with people who I know love me, and who actually consider me "worthwhile" if for no other reason, then to take away the feelings of worthlessness that I've been suffering through recently. I'm by no means better, but I am in a better place mentally than I was the other night. I've tried to not feel sorry for myself since then (huge plus), and I've tried to not really even think of them since. It's hard..of course..but I'm better now..somewhat. I love the tips that y'all have given me - with yoga, music, and looking ahead and whatnot. Any more tips (God knows I need the help..) would be truly appreciated and helpful. Thanks y'all (I really mean it)
betterdeal Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Aw, good to hear you've cheered up I think everyone has sad days. I like to think of it as melancholy clouds, just passing by. You're doing alright. Just find things that make you happy and do them. Lots of little things count up. Funnily enough, I think this thread has contributed to me looking at my life more constructively, and I have just finished looking at the details of a course in osteopathy, which I will apply to start in September. I've wanted to be an osteopath for a long time now (I'm 37) and now that my life is simpler, I can spend time doing the things I've not been ready for until now! Every melancholy cloud has a silver lining...
frankidos Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) Limisus, you seem to have a pretty good understanding of how to get out of your situation but I can't just understand what is holding you back. You were together for a year and it been more than three months since you broke and you still going through so much pain over him? Please help yourself out and find happiness some in somebody else. You sound like a very nice person and deserve just that. Moving away from town at the moment may rather work against (in my opinion) because all your support (family) are here and you need them most. If you move away and you start feeling lonely again, then the whole thing may just come crashing down on you. How Personal Happiness Opens Your Heart to Finding True Love Live your life once again and be you, and love may just find you around the corner. Best of LUCK! Edited June 11, 2011 by frankidos Wrongly spelt her name - Liminus!
Author Lilmisus Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Aw, good to hear you've cheered up I think everyone has sad days. I like to think of it as melancholy clouds, just passing by. You're doing alright. Just find things that make you happy and do them. Lots of little things count up. Funnily enough, I think this thread has contributed to me looking at my life more constructively, and I have just finished looking at the details of a course in osteopathy, which I will apply to start in September. I've wanted to be an osteopath for a long time now (I'm 37) and now that my life is simpler, I can spend time doing the things I've not been ready for until now! Every melancholy cloud has a silver lining... You're right, everyone does have sad, bad, blue days. Sometimes, I just let myself go and just..feel sorry for myself, and for everything that happened to me. I think though, that recognizing that I need help, and throwing it out there (even if it's to a few people on LS that I'll never meet ), helped more than anything for me though. Ya know..admitting that you have a problem. Keeping it bottled up, and not feeling like I could talk to anyone about how I feel or felt, just sucks. My best friend even asked me the other day over lunch what was going on, what happened, and opened the door for me to tell her exactly how I felt..but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her how everything made me feel. Even though..she more than anyone would probably understand. Hopefully now though, if the subject arises again, and if I feel like I need to get it off my shoulders, I can. Especially to her and others who I know love and care about me. Fingers crossed! But I am glad that this thread has served (another) purpose! I'm happy that things are starting to fall in place for you with your career choice and with how things are in your life right now. I'm not going to lie..I never heard of osteopathy, but if it's something that you think that you'd be good at and will enjoy, best of luck to you! Enjoy the time though before you start taking courses in September, especially since by it's name alone it sounds like it'd be difficult
betterdeal Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Yep yep! Accepting there is a problem is the first step to solving it. Often, just accepting is all we need to do to move on. Even if you don't tell your friend the details, being able to express your sadness to someone in real life will feel good. I often find that the details are not important and in fact hinder the process, so just saying something like, "I'd rather not talk about it, I just feel sad at the moment." can get across to your friend that you want to express not explain. Then you can go back to having fun together And thanks for the words of support for the course
Author Lilmisus Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Limisus, you seem to have a pretty good understanding of how to get out of your situation but I can't just understand what is holding you back. You were together for a year and it been more than three months since you broke and you still going through so much pain over him? Please help yourself out and find happiness some in somebody else. You sound like a very nice person and deserve just that. Moving away from town at the moment may rather work against (in my opinion) because all your support (family) are here and you need them most. If you move away and you start feeling lonely again, then the whole thing may just come crashing down on you. How Personal Happiness Opens Your Heart to Finding True Love Live your life once again and be you, and love may just find you around the corner. Best of LUCK! Well..for the past while I've been doing pretty good! You know..happy, upbeat, looking forward to the future, throwing him and her behind me and just being all around positive about everything. I'd go weeks of just pure happiness and bliss..and then every now and then...just fall apart, over one thing or another. When I still worked with them, it was mainly if I saw them together or if someone said something to me about them, or revealed another lie of his, that I fell apart. When I left my job, I thought that I'd be leaving all the pain and sorrow and memories behind me, but ya know..that wasn't exactly the case. What brought on this sudden collapse of happiness, was our would be (real) anniversary the other day (or..1 year and 2 months since we got together). Just re-looking through the pictures, and looking back on our story and where we started and where we went to, and ended, just made me..sad. To remember how happy I was June 5th of last year at my brother's wedding, and how hopeful I was for a great relationship with him since he made the day so perfect for me..just to have the relationship end up with him leaving me for her..just made me feel..worthless. There are so many little details that are being left out that keep coming back to me, and just remembering them brings me down more than anything. But..I'm finding happiness within myself. Turning to God again right now actually. I kind of lost my faith during our relationship..and so I'm rebuilding the relationship I had with Him before my ex came into my life. I want to be at a good place mentally before I find someone else to share myself with...I think everyone should do that before they jump into a new relationship, ya know? But I do really appreciate the link that you shared with me, thank you so much! I do agree though that moving will probably not help, since my biggest support group is here. I'm already as far away from him as I should be (though..I had to drive by his neighborhood today on the way to a party..freaked me out a bit when I thought I saw his car 10 times ). But really and truly, thanks for the words of encouragement!
frankidos Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Hi Lilmisus, I happy for you and really hope you find true love once again. Just keep your fingers crossed and before you know it, there he'll be!
Recommended Posts