aimons-nous85 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 ...to find that being in this sort of situation was not for me. I have to preface the story that I'm about to tell by admitting that I've just recently gotten under control what I considered to be a mild porn addiction. I did this all on my own without the aid of a counselor and have successfully blocked sites, deleted #s and email address off my computer, and completely removed those influences out of my life. I assume that if I were truly addicted that this would be an impossible process, but I guess all I needed was a little self-control and restraint to make this much-needed change in my life. However, now that I've made the commitment to remove this poison from my life, I can't help but feel guilty about one particular incident I experience when I was still under porn's spell. It's amazing looking back and seeing how much this infatuation clouded my better judgement and led me to do things that I now truly regret. It was about a year ago now that I found myself one afternoon perusing the "casual encounters" listing on my local Craigslist page. The fantasies and, frankly, stupid curiosity often led me to take a peek and see what was there. That day, I came across an ad from a local woman who was looking for a friend with benefits. In my then-very stupid mindset, I figured, "Heck, why not give it a shot," and jotted her a quick email with my phone number. Within a few hours, my phone rang and it was this girl. We briefly got to talking and very early on in the conversation she admitted that she was married and asked if this was ok with me. Now, I can tell you the moment she said this to me that the voices in my head were sounding alarm bells and saying "ABORT! ABORT! GET OUT NOW!", but stupid, over-sexed me said it was fine. I knew that I was making a bad decision and yet continued to go through with it. As I recall, I think that was the only time that she and I had a conversation on the phone. Over the next few days, we mainly communicated via text message. Sometimes the convos got pretty heated, of course. In the course of her convos, she also admitted that she was having issues with her husband at the time. I think that they had gotten married very young (perhaps too young), and were already having some serious issues with their marriage. She, frustrated with the way things were going, decided that the best way to seek solace from it all was in the arms of any available other man. I figured I was probably not the only "potential suitor" that she had been in contact with. In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but be both disgusted at her for her carelessness toward her husband and also sad for the husband who probably had no idea this was going on. Sadly, we were both at fault for perpetuating the situation further. I will say this now, though: even though we communicated via text message and had one conversation on the phone, we NEVER, EVER met in person and "got physical." Not once. I'm grateful it did not progress to that point, and you'll now see why that was so... Finally, one day I was texting her and the response back was "Who is this?" The immediate thought that came to my mind was, "Oh ****, it's the Mr!" My phone started ringing, and I was too chicken to answer and let it go to voicemail. I checked my message and heard the voice of a young man on the other end. Since my voicemail greeting had my name in it, he said he now knew my name and threatened to find me. Needless to say, I had never been so damn terrified in my life. My heart's racing right now as I recall it from my memory. I immediately texted the number back and assured him that I had not met his wife, deeply apologized for what I had done, and vowed to never contact that number again. I did, however, mention to him that she was having issues and potentially had been reaching out to multiple men, and that he needed to talk to his wife. With that, I deleted the number from my phone and never dialed it again. That night I had so much trouble falling asleep from the fear of what had just happened as well as hoping and praying that he wouldn't live up to his promise to come hunt me down. Thankfully, I never heard from either of them again.... Since then, I've cleaned up my act and have tried my best to move on with the lessons I've learned from that experience. I've also moved away from that town due to a new job opportunity and moved to another state. Even still, I can't help but wonder what became of those two people. I can't help but feel so guilty sometimes for having a part in what was a very troubling and rough patch in their relationship, and all because of my stupid curiosity and fantasizing due to my interest in porn. I do hope and pray that they were able to sort out their differences one way or another. I had always thought that I would never do something so terrible and callous, but it happened - I became the notorious "other man", and now I have to live with the thought that I may have done a great deal of damage to their fragile relationship. Even though I've tried my best to move on and forgive myself, I still think about it sometimes and wonder "Why the hell did I let myself do it? I knew what I was doing was so wrong, but how did I continue to pursue it?" Now that I've cleaned up my act and been able to break myself away from the porn and other temptations, I'm now at a point in my life where I'm looking back at the choices I made, seeing how what I did was wrong, and as a result trying to find forgiveness with myself before moving on and seeking real, deep relationships with people I care about and who care about me in return. I would appreciate your support and would lovingly accept any advice you're able to give. Love and peace to you all.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I don't have any advice since it sounds like you have sorted yourself out but... Now that I've cleaned up my act and been able to break myself away from the porn and other temptations, I'm now at a point in my life where I'm looking back at the choices I made, seeing how what I did was wrong, and as a result trying to find forgiveness with myself before moving on and seeking real, deep relationships with people I care about and who care about me in return. ^This was nice to see in contrast with the doom n' gloom you usually find here.
Author aimons-nous85 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Thank you. Yeah, I've read some of the other entries on here concerning situations like this and there are some that are quite depressing. Thank you for your comment. I consider myself to be a good person (or at least I think I am lol) who's made some bad choices so far in my life and wanna improve looking forward to the future.
Crazy chick1 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Ultimately you did very little wrong & the stat of your M is not your fault, if it wasn't you it would just have been some other guy (as you said yourself). Forgive yourself & move on & be grateful not to be entangled in some of the messy situations you read on here (& yes, I am definitely in one myself!).
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