AudentesFortuna Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 How in the world did you guys make it? Really? How? I'm barely a week into a separation (not even divorce) and I'm dying. How will I handle selling the house? That will be a pain. The bills? The actual filling out of paperwork and waiting six months? How in the world did you make it? It seems impossible to me right now...nothing can be right again. Nothing. How will I ever trust someone again? How will I meet anyone? I'm 33, overweight, short and can't have kids. Who the F will have me? UGH...this is maddening. The deepest, darkest, most lowly part of me wants to just tell her to forget everything and let's go back to 2 weeks ago. Just hide everything better. I know...that is horrible. I'm like a junkie right now, I just want the pain to end.
sumdude Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Sorry to hear your pain.. been there, done that. There's no one answer to how to get through other than one thing at a time. One day, one minute at a time. Things I did that helped? LOTS of exercise. Relieves stress, turns your brain off for a while, makes you tired so you can sleep, is good for your health and self esteem. I lost 60 lbs in six months.. certainly helped how I felt about myself and the ladies sure noticed! Talk to people, here on LS and find a trusted friend who is willing to listen to what you're going through. Just try not to wear them out too much. I stopped drinking for six months.. that helped with the diet and kept me from spiraling deeper into the abyss. Journaling.. helps to write down what you're thinking and feeling. Gets it out of your head and on paper. Man when I read the stuff I wrote during that six months it amazes me. You will get through this but there's no way around it. You're gonna grieve for a while, just part of life. Accept and allow yourself to be miserable.. for a little while. But then make sure you kick yourself in the butt and keep moving forward in life. It will get better, I will attest to that! Find a lawyer and get an initial consultation. They usually don't charge for the first consult. You'll feel better knowing you're taking steps and getting some control over the process. Keep posting, we're here for ya,...
change Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 How in the world did you guys make it? Really? How? I'm barely a week into a separation (not even divorce) and I'm dying. How will I handle selling the house? That will be a pain. The bills? The actual filling out of paperwork and waiting six months? How in the world did you make it? It seems impossible to me right now...nothing can be right again. Nothing. How will I ever trust someone again? How will I meet anyone? I'm 33, overweight, short and can't have kids. Who the F will have me? UGH...this is maddening. The deepest, darkest, most lowly part of me wants to just tell her to forget everything and let's go back to 2 weeks ago. Just hide everything better. I know...that is horrible. I'm like a junkie right now, I just want the pain to end. I'm looking forward to the responses here. I can say that two months ago I was in a much worse place than I'm in today. In my case, my situation started as my wife packing bags and leaving. That developed into a trial separation. That developed into a divorce -- although we have yet to deal with finances, belongings, paperwork, or any of the other "stuff" of the divorce. (Icing on the cake is that she's dating already.) I can't say how people make it through the whole process and out on the other side. I'm young, attractive... and transgender. It looks like we all have at least something that we feel like makes us unwanted, unlovable, unable to find another life partner... etc. I don't know, in reality, that any of the reasons that we throw up as to why we "can't make it" are actually realistic or not. It's possible we all of these fears going through this process. It's possible that they are unfounded. It's possible that they aren't. I truly don't know yet. I do know that there seem to be a lot of divorced people out there. So I'm assuming we'll both make it through, even though today I don't really feel like I will. (I saw my wife last night for the first time in weeks; I clearly wasn't ready for that yet.) Good luck to you. There are a lot of great people in the world and on LS. Hopefully things will start looking up soon.
carhill Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Most of our divorce is chronicled right here on LS, both in examples and through my posting of advice. Marriage counseling became exit counseling - invaluable It facilitated clear communication and acceptance of the realities of divorce. We agreed upon a property settlement amicably. I accepted a hit to my pre-marital net worth in exchange for a lack of onerous legal fees and court appearances. A law school mediated our settlement for free. I helped my exW get her own house, fixed it up for her, furnished it from our historical residence. That worked out fine for me since my now deceased mother's furniture and effects reside in my historical home. Stuff doesn't mean that much to me. Our divorce was final two months after my mother's death I'm 52, bald, beat to shyte from caring for a mental patient (mom) for eight years, living in a tanked economy with a struggling business. I'm happy. We each own the way we feel. You can create an environment which affects your emotional state in a positive way. I have a decidedly cynical perspective on women but that's due to a lifetime of experience with them. I've been fortunate enough to have known a few wonderful ladies and was socialized by one. So, on balance, I'd call the perspective 'informed'. IMO, you'll be fine. My exW was overweight, twice divorced and 39 when I met her. We had a number of good years. Anything is possible. Take one positive step each day. Good luck
Lexygirl Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I understand your pain. I have been separated for 2 weeks. I was the one who left. I am out of my element. I am only grounded when my daughter is here with me. It can be VERY lonely. I have had good days and bad days. Just know that it will get easier. Suggestions for you: Push yourself to get up and do something each and every day. Take one day at a time. Stop thinking so much. Don't worry SO very much about the details. Just know that things WILL fall into place. Breathe. Enjoy the little things in life now... the things that maybe you couldn't when you were in a marriage that wasn't working.... I have a birdhouse just outside my bedroom window... I have been enjoying watching the mother and father constantly bring those little ones food and for some reason watching them has really been a treat.. as silly as it sounds...... Last week.... I pushed myself to take a walk down to the lake on one of my most painful days... it did me good and it got me through. Reinvent YOU. Don't worry about who will have you or who won't, just know that you will survive this and try to be happy within yourself. I'm sorry to see others going through this. The pain can be so excruciating and at first so raw but like I say... It WILL get easier. Lexy
Steen719 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Oh no, don't say "who the F will have me?" There are many wonderful people out there who don't look for an Adonis type when they are looking around for someone. Everyone has their own tastes and you may not believe this right now, but kindness, honesty and a good sense of humor count for a lot, particularly to those women who have had sh$$s in their lives. There are good people out there, really, there are. Look at how many people on these forums did not cheat on their spouse and in fact, did everything they could to make their marriages work. You hang in there and things will be better. Now, I am sorry if I am hijacking or threadjacking or whatever this is...please don't be mad, but this really caught my eye and I need to ask about this: We agreed upon a property settlement amicably. I accepted a hit to my pre-marital net worth in exchange for a lack of onerous legal fees and court appearances. A law school mediated our settlement for free. How did you manage this? Thanks.
carhill Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 We used the family law self-help desk (they assigned a court clerk assistant to handle our paperwork and procedures) at the courthouse and they directed us to the local law school where we were assigned a mediator. The mediator covered the relevant topics and then the school prepared the MSA (agreement) which we had reviewed and then submitted to the court. The self-help and law school were free. Normal lawyer fees applied for all other legal services, most of which occurred before filing. It cost me a little under 10 grand in fees to get divorced, including marriage counseling. Beat the heck out of 50 grand, which is what my lawyer quoted for a contested action.
Steen719 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Thank you...still way too high for me. (sigh) Well, not the self help! I have no law school close by, but you have given me some ideas, anyway. Thanks
carhill Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Marriage counseling was about 6K of the total. Pre-divorce planning and 'Plan B' (since my exW and I both have businesses) consumed the rest. If the couple doesn't have complex asset and debt mixes, businesses, large retirements, etc, the legal fees for an uncontested/amicable divorce can actually be quite small, generally under 1K. The 3L who mediated our D grew up in a family law environment (his dad is a family law attorney) and his passion is efficient and low-cost alternatives to expensive and protracted legal disputes, which he intends to incorporate into his practice as a path for people who don't want/need the services and cost of contested divorce. I'm sure others like him, already in private practice, exist, so ask around at the courthouse when filing (we downloaded the forms from the court web site and filed ourselves) and often the clerks can direct you to such resources, as the self-help desk did us. Many paths. I would not recommend the self-help path where kids are involved or where there is a psycho ex. Better to use a competent lawyer for that.
debtman Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Just realize that this is one of the most difficult emotional things you will ever have to face in your life...and KNOW that you are in a TEMPORARY situation. It WILL get better, it will just take time. Took me 3-4 months just to get a grip on stbx choosing to end our 10 year relationship, 6 year marriage, traumatize our 2 children, take away half of their lives from me and half of my income in child support...all because she was "lonely" and found OM who put her right up on a pedestal. Two weeks after meeting him she went from telling me "I love you" every day to telling me that we just weren't right for each other. I was crushed, lived with my parents for 4 months, wallowed and the only time I enjoyed was the time I spent with my kids... Then, after much posting on here, much introspection, meditation and LOTS of time talking with friends & family, I realized that life goes on, I WILL be fine. She did me a HUGE favor by not forcing me to stay in a relationship with someone who could drop me in a moments time. I have a stronger relationship with my kids than ever. I have more patience and quality time for them than I did before when there was someone telling me what I had to do. I'm getting involved in my hobbies and activities again (which she didn't like because she always felt like I was choosing skydiving, rock climbing or kayaking over her), I'm working out and getting fit again, I'm more confident in myself and am surprised at how many women are out there noticing me. My friends and family are amazing and are helping me however they can and providing an incredible amount of support and showing me how truly blessed I am. Now, 9 months later, she and OM are "taking a break" because his W is highly contesting their D and causing him major problems and she sent me an email yesterday asking if I would ever consider out of state so she could be closer to her family because she has "no one here." I've got a good job, lots of friends and family in the area and have no interest in moving, ripping my kids out of the school they like, taking them away from their friends, moving them into a worse school system all because she has difficulty making friends... So, that being said...right now it sucks for you...but, KNOW that it WILL get better. There will be hard times, seemingly insurmountable issues, but, life goes on, like Lexigirl says, enjoy the little things, appreciate the fact that you're still IN the world and try not to think too much. Steen719, my W and I went to mediation and we had most things figured out before we went in. It took 2 four hour sessions, cost about $500 each for the mediator and another $400 to have the paperwork filed with the courts. So, for less than $1000 each, we got everything done. Good luck and keep posting...
Author AudentesFortuna Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Thanks everyone for their replies. Yesterday was a really tough day. My mornings/noons are tough, evenings/nights much better. I meet up with friends and then get some good rest. I'm not as big a mess as some of my messages make me out to be! Some hours are really tough. My problem is I think too much, read too much. I ask 10 different people about how I handled the separation and I get 10 different opinions. Of course, my mind only concentrates on the negative ones. I have some great friends/family and everyone has been keeping sane. I go out a lot to movies, eat, etc. I have been walking with my SIL and my baby nephew some days. 3.5 miles, helps tremendously. Have joined the gym, made appointments with counselor, seeing an endochronologist to start hormone replacement therapy (low testosterone), in my sane moments I am moving on. It's just hard. We are on a supposed 3 month separation but I don't expect anything to change. I set up the ground rules for her return and I'm sure she won't agree. So 3 months of no contact but then we'll have to talk all the time. Have to sell house, divide assets, etc. At this moment it's amicable divorce. No lawyers, we might just get a mediator involved. Only issue that is weird is that my brother in law (her brother) is my best friend. He is caught in the middle. He doesn't like it yet he drops hints all the time about how she is doing/what she is saying. I just want sanity. Let's see how today goes. Thanks everyone.
Steen719 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Very possibly, after 3 months you will emotionally be in a better place than you are now and so you will deal with this better. You are certainly getting on by doing good things for yourself. I think that is admirable. Carhill & Debtman, thank you both for answering my question...I know I jumped in on Audentes and asked. I am worried about the money. I'll look into this. Thanks
2.50 a gallon Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Thirty years ago I was in a similar situation. The difference was that we had just moved a thousand miles away from our home town, and all of our friends, were her friends. There was no LS board, and long distance calls are expensive They say dogs are man's best friend. ARe you a dog man? How about getting a puppy, it will give you some one to talk to and take care of, and at the same time help you keep your mind off of things. Now find the proper park to take your puppy for walks. Look for one that sees lots of traffic from people of your age, Bar-B-Qing, playing ball, roller blading, etc. There are some women who never pass up a chance to pet a puppy. be open, be friendly and there is a chance that you will begin to make new friends when they discover that you are a regular. I accidentaly discovered this when I took my kittens to the park, it did not take long until I had developed a whole new set of friends. "How will I ever trust someone again?" - Good question, answer it will take time, but it will happen again, just not over night. "How will I meet anyone?" Back to people at the park, also be kind and friendly to the check out ladies at the grocery store, practice talking to them, and talking to you fellew shoppers, don't push, just be friendly, and when you are ready visit the local watering hole Can you dance? Learn! One of the best pick up lines of all time is "Would you like to dance" "I'm 33, overweight, short Dan you lose the weight? I am short and skinny, who would have me. I am now retired, and have been with my lady for over 15 years, she is a couple of years shy of 60, is beautiful, she takes care of her face nightly so that she barely looks 40, she has long hair and longer legs, and is a grandma that still has an hour glass figure, and a flat stomach, she noticed that she developed a little pouch over the holidays, so went on a diet to get it flat again. And ther is no doubt that she is in love with me. "can't have kids. Who the F will have me? Dude the world is full of single moms looking for a good man to help them raise their brood, you are in the driver's seat.
Woggle Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 After I realized that I liked it better without her around it was only a matter of getting through divorce in one piece. After that I loved not having to walk on eggshells and being free to do what I want when I want.
SoMovinOn Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I've been trough a divorce with my first wife. I was with my current wife through her divorce from her first husband. I am hoping to go through my second divorce in the very near future. Whether it is something you want, or it is thrust upon you by your spouse, divorce goes like this; 1) Sucks real bad 2) Hurts for a while 3) Then you get over it. Takes about 2 years, on the average, to return to "normal".
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