dynastic Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 It's been ending for several months. I say it's over, he keeps coming back, I get hopeful it will change, it doesn't, rinse, repeat. This time, I wrote him some things that were "mean" in his words, detailing what I needed and where he was falling short, (this was done at his request), and he went off, cussing me and deleting his account. Fine. I had already said I just wanted him to make a decision one way or the other. That I'd be fine either way at this point. He clearly made his decision, so okay. I can accept that. It was the constant "I love you and I want you in my life, but I can't do this or that" that was driving me insane. I kinda feel like his words and actions finally matched up to his actions in the past. And I am fine, really, I'm not even angry about the way he reacted because I pushed him. I wanted a decision. So he's where he wants to be and that's not with me. That's his choice and he needs to be there if that's what he wants and I really do hope he's happy. So on the one hand, I'm relieved and thinking it's for the best, but on the other hand, I really do love this person and I'm saddened by the loss of what could have been. I just need to hear it will get better. One day, all the questions, "why he said this and then did that", in my mind will stop.
Loni Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 It's been ending for several months. I say it's over, he keeps coming back, I get hopeful it will change, it doesn't, rinse, repeat. This time, I wrote him some things that were "mean" in his words, detailing what I needed and where he was falling short, (this was done at his request), and he went off, cussing me and deleting his account. Fine. I had already said I just wanted him to make a decision one way or the other. That I'd be fine either way at this point. He clearly made his decision, so okay. I can accept that. It was the constant "I love you and I want you in my life, but I can't do this or that" that was driving me insane. I kinda feel like his words and actions finally matched up to his actions in the past. And I am fine, really, I'm not even angry about the way he reacted because I pushed him. I wanted a decision. So he's where he wants to be and that's not with me. That's his choice and he needs to be there if that's what he wants and I really do hope he's happy. So on the one hand, I'm relieved and thinking it's for the best, but on the other hand, I really do love this person and I'm saddened by the loss of what could have been. I just need to hear it will get better. One day, all the questions, "why he said this and then did that", in my mind will stop. I was with my MM for many years and there was always some reason he couldn't get divorced. Then he got busted and decided it was time to leave the W. We lived together for quite a while but still no moves to divorce so I kicked him out. He went back to the W. When he found out I was dating a single guy he went bat****. I told him to come check for me when the ink was dry on his divorce. He moved out 2 weeks later and divorced within 3 months. He should not be making the choices for you. You should be making the choices for you. Good luck, if it's any consolation after I started dating it got a hell of lot easier not to be miserable about him.
MissBee Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) People say one thing and do another either because A) they really meant it but things genuinely changed B) they said it without forethought then realized "oh shiiit I can't deliver!" or C) They didn't mean it but at the time it allowed them to get what they wanted to get so it was in their best interest to go along with it. Losing what "could have been" when you think about it, is losing absolutely nothing! Seriously. Coulda-woulda-shoulda is for the birds! You could sit and ponder what would have or could have happened...but there is no way to really know what would have/could have been so you waste the present and what can be and what actually is, worrying about something that isn't, wasn't and may never have been...so essentially doesn't exist. You lost something and you have to mourn that loss...but it will get better. If you've loved and lost before...you know the drill. Take some time for yourself, reflect on the lessons in it for you, what you want for yourself next time and where you plan to go next and try to avoid living in limbo contemplating what may have been. I saw this exercise on a greaaaat website and it talks about being able to sum up your relationship issues and your breakup in an elevator pitch or a 30 second speech. That helps you to get down to the nitty gritty of what actually happened and what the bottom line is, leaving out the extra fluff that usually has little to do with the point. You did just that: "He's married...its been the same old cycle of nothing different....you gave him a choice...he didn't choose you....therefore it's over". That's the nuts and bolts of it and that's all you need to know. All else is fluff. He couldn't give you what you needed/wanted and there are people out there who can and will. You're hurt now but you are guaranteed to be over it one day and will find something better suited for you Edited June 8, 2011 by MissBee
Gentlegirl Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Read and read on this forum YOu will learn a lot as you go. Many people before you have gone throught the same thing and they have come out the other end in great shape. It takes a long, long time and happens so gradually that you hardly notice. Then one day, you will realise you have not thought about him for almost the whole day. Gentlegirl
Flabbergaster Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I'm sorry you're in pain. it gets better...slowly for some, quickly for others. You'll find your pace. As an xMM / xOM I would like to suggest that you...immediately take steps to block communication, to go into NC, to put things away. A tempertantrum like what you describe from him makes me suspect he is going to come back and bother you again. That was an emotional 'flare' combined with 'punishing you for being mean.' His next move could easily be 'contact you so you can apologize, so he can put you in your place.' Your response to contact attempts should be a polite but firm, "We can no longer have contact or communication. Being in an A is too damaging to me. Please do not attempt to contact me in any way. This is not a rejection of you, this is a rejection of being in an A. I wish you peace and happiness in life, goodbye." NO use of L word, no mean language, nothing. DOn't respond to questions, attacks, anything. Good luck. Start playing defense to avoid him, and move on with your life.
Author dynastic Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Thanks to all of you for listening and your words of advice. I appreciate it and am paying attention. Maybe for the first time even though I've lurked on this forum for years. A tempertantrum like what you describe from him makes me suspect he is going to come back and bother you again. That was an emotional 'flare' combined with 'punishing you for being mean.' His next move could easily be 'contact you so you can apologize, so he can put you in your place.' Thank you for your insight on this, but one thing is puzzling me. He has never reacted like this before, he's never lost his temper with me. Irritated? Sure, but coolly irritated. This kind of anger has never come out. This is what leads to me believe he made a decision and ended it for good. And if that's not the case, then I guess it's up to me to get off the fence.
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