Saeri Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Hello, I have been reading the forums for a while, but am a new member. I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 25 years now. I received counseling about 23 years ago to help me with it and it helped at the time. 2 of my children will soon be gone so we will be empty nesters. I started individual counseling a week ago to help me. The reason I started going to counseling was because I basically started freaking out and went into a depression for about 2 weeks. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I have never had depression so it shocked me. The first visit to the counselor was a real eye opener for me. She basically told me I have been a victim of abuse for 25 years now and have enabled it. My h has known something is wrong with me since the depression hit. He thinks it is because of the kids leaving. My problem is that I don't think I really like or love my h anymore. I used to cry and cry over the hurt he caused. Mind you, he has never called me names or hit me, but he has put me down alot over the years over and over again. About 1.5 years ago or so, I was rejected in the bedroom AGAIN and got so upset that I went into my daughter's room and kicked a hole in her wall. I am usually a very laid back/passive person and that behavior is not like anything I've ever done. I sobbed for hours that night. He did comfort me because he really didn't know what was wrong with me. After that incident, my emotions have stopped. I honestly don't care anymore about what he does. He travels for work alot and I am relieved when he is gone. I've always been relieved when he's gone because it's less stress on all of us. He has been trying to be super nice lately, but I can't accept it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be thrilled! Instead, I don't trust him that he won't revert back to the way he's always been. Mind you, he was much worst when the kids were little, but he just doesn't know what he's doing. He refuses to get counseling. Over the years, I have tried and tried to get him to get counseling. I've made plans to go back to school in the fall and am excited about that! I have a part time business in my home so don't really have any money and if I moved out I would have no health insurance. Plus, I feel bad that he is trying and I just can't feel anything for him anymore. Any thoughts? Ideas? I just don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. Saeri
fltc Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 You need counseling together to make things work and to make him aware of how you are feeling. To get him to go with you, make an appointment for both of you, tell him you have made the appointment and if he decides not to go you'll cancel that appointment and go see a divorce attorney instead, his choice. Make it very clear that you're done and counseling is his last and ONLY chance to save his marriage. Sometimes, to make a mule listen, you have to whack 'em between the ears with a baseball bat and the attorney can be your bat in this case!
carhill Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Welcome to LS Myself, I'd likely make the appointment with the counselor, invite my spouse to join me and then, regardless of their response, go anyway. Health insurance picks up part/most of the tab and it's a beginning, whether a beginning of health and reconciliation or a beginning of mediation and divorce. It's a positive, proactive step. Ask yourself a question: Do you want to be married? If you could walk away today, go back to school this fall and continue your life, would you? If no, then continue to fight for your marriage and accept that the past is the past. If he was mean in the past and nice now, accept that. Let go of your resentment. Live in the here and now as you and he are now. If yes, then interview three lawyers and get their opinion on mediating an amicable settlement. The kids are grown. There's no need for protracted and rancorous adversarial action. File for divorce. Take positive steps. Filing doesn't mean it's a done deal. It means you're serious. Time to get serious. Good luck
Author Saeri Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 You need counseling together to make things work and to make him aware of how you are feeling. To get him to go with you, make an appointment for both of you, tell him you have made the appointment and if he decides not to go you'll cancel that appointment and go see a divorce attorney instead, his choice. Make it very clear that you're done and counseling is his last and ONLY chance to save his marriage. Sometimes, to make a mule listen, you have to whack 'em between the ears with a baseball bat and the attorney can be your bat in this case! Do you think I should ask my counselor first about this? I am so confused that I don't know what I want or how I feel. I'm afraid to make any rash decisions because I am afraid I am not thinking clearly now. Maybe that's it . . . I'm afraid. I've never stood up to him like that before. He'll say he is being nice, why am I doing this, that he's changed, etc. etc. But could he have really changed? I don't know.
coolheadal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 How about a sister or another family member or close friends you can go and stay with for a few months. Getaway from him for while. You need time for yourself and think about things without him being around. Damaging you home not going to make a difference because your upset with your husband.
Author Saeri Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 How about a sister or another family member or close friends you can go and stay with for a few months. Getaway from him for while. You need time for yourself and think about things without him being around. Damaging you home not going to make a difference because your upset with your husband. I would if I could. I don't live by any family and he travels alot so I have to be here to take care of my pets and the house. It's nice when he's out of town because I do have peace which is probably how I could put up with it for so long. He is trying to be nice, but since he knows something is wrong, he is calling and texting me 24/7 while he's away driving me nuts!
coolheadal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I would if I could. I don't live by any family and he travels alot so I have to be here to take care of my pets and the house. It's nice when he's out of town because I do have peace which is probably how I could put up with it for so long. He is trying to be nice, but since he knows something is wrong, he is calling and texting me 24/7 while he's away driving me nuts! What type of pets? I would take them with you and go stay with someone you know then. You need to get away and turn off that cell phone for a while. He's getting like me in the state of panic when men know they have done something wrong.
Author Saeri Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 What type of pets? I would take them with you and go stay with someone you know then. You need to get away and turn off that cell phone for a while. He's getting like me in the state of panic when men know they have done something wrong. Yeah I desperately need to get away. I have 3 dogs and a cat. Maybe my kids could help with them? My kids still live here and are 22 21 and 21. What do you mean in a state of panic? You think he realizes he has done it? Have you done something similiar that caused you to be in a state of panic? He even offered to buy me a new car . . . my counselor told me if he tries to buy me off like he has done in the past to not accept it.
coolheadal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Yeah I desperately need to get away. I have 3 dogs and a cat. Maybe my kids could help with them? My kids still live here and are 22 21 and 21. What do you mean in a state of panic? You think he realizes he has done it? Have you done something similiar that caused you to be in a state of panic? He even offered to buy me a new car . . . my counselor told me if he tries to buy me off like he has done in the past to not accept it. Yes let your kids help you out with the pets. If not take them with you. I am sure they would be better company than your husband would be. I too have two dog and they're so close to me also I am the one who walks them and feed them and etc.. My wife won't do anything for them. As for you adult kids tell them your going to visit your sister, brother whoever you know that you can trust and go and stay with them. Tell the kids you'll let them know when you get to where your going? State of panic means he don't want to be loose you and do whatever it takes to keep you there. Of course if he has verbal abuse you then you shouldn't be taking that abuse. I know I too have been attacked by the wife and she's bossy, quick temper an etc. I would never offer a car to keep someone at bay. Sounds like he's still controlling you with gifts to keep you in the house until he gets back from his business trip? If you got your own money saved, like in a cookie jar or under the mattress take it and go away for a long while. Use cash so you can't be tracked down. Did you turn off your cell phone like I had mentioned. Don't even bother to text him back. I've done what he does with the cell phone. I don't even use my cell phone until this happen. She told me why are you calling me you never call me on your cell phone. I said why not! Well that was before this stuff happen with her and me. Now you need to pack-up and go to visit your mom or someone close to you? Or just head out to the beach. Take off your slippers and take a walk long the coast line. That's what I use to do when I got into things like this that had bothered me. But right now there is no beach for miles. I miss that.
fltc Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Do you think I should ask my counselor first about this? I'd ask, but I'd ask for an opinion, not for permission.
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