meinPrinz_nevermore Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 ...I was the villain and the antagonist in our story instead of being his Princess. My first post is about my heartbreak, my first love, and how I’ve been trying to cope. We were together for nearly nine months officially and it was our first year of university and we got into a relationship too soon and we progressed too quickly. I made a lot of mistakes because I didn’t know what it was like to really be in a relationship. I was clingy, I was insecure, I was too dependent, I was needy, and I lost myself and just built my world around him. He put up with a lot of my bull**** and stuck with me through the worst times when we were together. I disrespected him too many times and I didn’t change (for the better) in the duration of our relationship which has now led me to my demise. And even when we broke up, he told me it was hard for him leaving me and that he was unsure about his decision. But as I acted like the desperate little girl that I was who hasn’t matured and who was too dependent on him by messaging him too much, e-mailing, constantly trying to beg him to talk to me or see me so we could work it out, pleading with him to change his mind, but he made the conclusion that he made the right decision because of my actions and for that, I agree. I agree whole-heartedly with his decision to break up with me because I made our relationship unhealthy. He had no faults at all in this situation and I was the one that screwed up and made a mess of what could have been a wonderful relationship. He gave me a love that was pure and cared for me in a way that I never thought would be possible for anybody. And in return, I hurt him, accused him, and lied to him about insignificant things because I wasn’t able to trust him since I couldn’t even trust myself. He was an honest, kind-hearted, and a wonderful man who has such a big heart and I am afraid I have turned him into somebody with commitment issues for the rest of his life. I am afraid that I turned him into someone hard and calculating and someone who will be so afraid to love again. When we met coincidentally this Monday at a cafe and he turned to walk away once he saw me, I ran after him because we needed better closure for the mean actions he and I inflicted on each other when I was too stubborn to respect his decision and he felt trapped and unhappy. I told him that I respected his decision and I apologized. I told him about my trip to visit family and he said, “Be safe. Be happy.” When he walked away, I asked him if he was happy without me, if he feels free now that I’m out of his life… of course I already knew the answer and I was setting myself up for a lot more hurt than I wanted, so when he nodded his head and whispered, “Yes…” I let him walk out of my life forever because at this moment of our break up, I realized how much I loved him. I just want him to be happy and being with me made him unhappy, so I let him go. I haven’t been coping well, I’ve had my ups and downs these past few days, crying sometimes then being happy the next, and a whole lot of nothingness, and while I had perfect NC yesterday even though it was extremely difficult, I broke it today. My mother’s in the hospital and since he was my best-friend, he was the first person I tried contacting since I felt so lost. I told him, “You were my best-friend, I don't know who else to ask. Please Skype me ASAP. I've moved on/given up on us so it's not about that.” Of course I lied about that last sentence because while I am trying to move on, I have given up not because he wasn’t worth it because he is, but because he doesn’t deserve someone like me in his life. And while I expected no reply because I know he’s hurt and he’s happy and he feels free about moving on with his life without me in it, he replied, “What is going on and where are you?” In this simple sentence of a text, he still shows that he cares. I don’t even know what to say and I haven’t responded. I don’t think I should because I don’t deserve to be a part of his life. I don’t deserve any it… So in the end, he gets his happy ending and as for the villain that is me, he didn’t break my heart, I broke my own.
yessy21 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Like my papa once told me when i was 13. " some people just dont belong in your world." you can fight it all u want and say that they do but they just dont. it was never u. it was something greater than u inside of u that didnt let it work. u didnt break anything.. u just prepared ur emotions for stronger needs.
Author meinPrinz_nevermore Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Like my papa once told me when i was 13. " some people just dont belong in your world." you can fight it all u want and say that they do but they just dont. it was never u. it was something greater than u inside of u that didnt let it work. u didnt break anything.. u just prepared ur emotions for stronger needs. Agreed. And it's funny that you're from Miami because that's where him and I met... not sure whether to cry or not, so I'll settle for feeling melancholy and snuggle up in my blankets. I want to grieve just a little bit more and maybe tomorrow or a few days from now, I'll go back out there and become a better me.
RuinedLife Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 My insecurities and anxiety issues ruined my relationship too. Me and my ex had a massive argument involving trust issues and I basically pushed him away from me forever. And I hate myself so so much for what I did, as I love him more than words can say. I tried to apologize and I wanted to try and work things out but he won't give me any more chances. We've tried being friends but I'm going so crazy after this break up that I'm pretty sure I blew that too, not that I could keep it going in definitely anyway as I love my ex more than words can say. My ex says he's much happier without me too. And that hurts so so much. I tried so hard during the relationship to keep my anxiety hidden and to make it work. I did so much to try and be a good girlfriend to him but in the end I let my anxiety leek out and I failed him. Let him down, let myself down and don't think he'll ever think well of me again.
Mack05 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) I can empathise guys. I too was insecure, lacking self esteem in my relationship with my ex. The thing here is to learn from your mistakes as it would be criminal to make the same mistakes with your next partner. When I was in my relationship with my ex, I too kept pushing her away. We had so many ups and downs. It was like being in a soap opera with all the drama. She actually thought I loved the drama (nothing could be further from the truth). So when it ended it looked as though I was a 100% at fault. I put her on a pedastal, as if she was a princess. On reflection that's so not true. My inner voice was telling me she wasn't right for me. I was just too into her at the time to notice. She was my source of happiness (my life was empty before I met her). I knew something wasn't right with her, so my inner voice was saying Mack get out!!, while my heart was saying cling to her as she makes you happy. After 3 months of ups and downs she left me and was right to do so. Now that I am becoming happy within myself again, I see things much clearer. My insecurites pushed her away but the truth is, if I was at my very best when I met her it still wouldn't have worked. We would have just lasted longer. I suggest the same is true for you MeinP. Time apart has shown me that she is far from perfect, indeed I feel sorry for the guy she will end up with..She has an awful lot of problems which she refuses to accept or even attempt to deal with it. A train wreck waiting to happen. But we can't focus on them, only ourselves and that's the crucial part. We have to anaylze oursleves in this time and learn from our mistakes and get to know ourselves better. Time will show you alot meinP. I suggest writing a diary (wrote the first thing that comes in your head) and also write letters to him that you never send. After 3 months read back over your diary. You will be AMAZED how different you now view things.. Edited June 8, 2011 by Mack05
whatdoido1717 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 " some people just dont belong in your world." Your papa was a smart man. I like that a lot. Simple and true.
RuinedLife Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Time will show you alot meinP. I suggest writing a diary (wrote the first thing that comes in your head) and also write letters to him that you never send. After 3 months read back over your diary. You will be AMAZED how different you now view things.. Its been over 4 months since my break up and it feels like it just happened. I feel the same despairing, uncontrollable crying, hopelessness, worthlessness that I did when he first broke up with me. And I did write letters etc, read self help books. None of it has helped so far. All depends on your own inner strength and ability to recover at the time of the break up. Mine was in a horribly shattered state. I caused my break up but it was a horrible horrible mistake one which I can not yet forgive myself for making. I've tried and tried. But I just can't believe I let my anxiety dictate my actions like that and ruin my relationship. I love my ex with a passion still and think about him all day everyday and dream about him at night. Doesn't feel like it will ever get better. Other people say they've gotten over their break up in a couple of months, some a few years, all depends on the length of the relationship and your own state of mind and inner strength. I really hope you find some inner strength and can get over your break up quicker than I am.
Mack05 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Ruinedlife you will be the same in another 4 months if you keep beating yourself up like this..We have all done things we are not proud of. The key thing here is to learn from past mistakes (Genuinely learn) and forgive yourself. Otherwise you will never have the freedom to move on. There are things with my ex I wish I could take back. Things I am not proud of. I beat myself up for the longest time. So much so, that I started to suffer from depression. I knew I had to forgive myself and move forward, otherwise I would be stuck in the same rut and that there was the potential of it getting worse. Not only that, I needed to make sure I NEVER make those kind of mistakes again. I am still single and refuse to even look for a new relationship until I a 110% certain I will be the best man that I can be to her. It's a struggle (I wish I could fast forward) it's not easy, but I will past my test of character, just as you will pass yours. Just because people have made mistakes doesn't mean you should be judged for those mistakes for the rest of their lives. Most people on this site are good decent people, with good hearts. We will never get a second chance with our ex's, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't get a second chance with life. I hope things improve for you
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