SigOne Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I'm dating this Korean girl and I'm a Japanese guy (we're both born in America tho) but her strict, traditional parents will only let her date/marry a Korean guy. I know to most, it's like what's the difference between Japanese and Korean but to these crazy ass parents, it's a BIG DEAL! So bear with me Right now, the parents don't even know she's dating me. She really likes me and wants to finally confront her parents about this so she's looking for some really solid, convincing reasons to tell her parents why this silly tradition has to go Things got super weird after one of her parent's friends came up to them and asked if their son (who is Korean) can date my girlfriend! ARGH! This is like something outta a movie where families bring their son to the royal family, requesting permission for him to be with the princess. And I'm the secret lover hidden away. Sigh... The parents are no easy opponents. They are very strict, firm, and traditional so I need the help of you people to give me some good reasons. Thank you!
xisnotx Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I'm African and I've been told multiple times about how "I'm supposed to marry an African". I've actually been given specific reasons why. Supposedly they are better cooks and don't mind doing a lot of the housework. I just look at my aunts like they are crazy..this is the 2011 after all. But honestly, I know no matter who I marry they will be accepted by my family because at the end of the day we are all just family. So, applying my experience to your situation, I would just point out that the two of you are dating and even though you aren't what they think her ideal guy would be, you know they still love her enough not to cut her out of her family. It's like that move "My big fat greek wedding"...The greek lady just told her family that they were dating and the family, although they didn't like it, accepted it, because at the end of the day...they are all family. So, tell your lady to grow some balls, man up, and just do it.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I have a friend in her mid-forties whose love-life has been destroyed by this. She is Chinese and her parents want her only with an Asian man. Japanese, Korean, etc would be acceptable. Her mother makes her life a living hell. It isn't just a simple case of "tell them how you feel and do what you want." For some people it rips families apart and destroys potential relationships. Find out from your girlfriend exactly how serious her parents are on this issue. Because if they are truly serious then a peaceful and healthy relationship will be nearly impossible and you'll be faced with a lot of problems and stress.
EyeAlone Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 How old are you guys? I have a Chinese friend in her mid twenties who has a history of only dating white guys and this, of course, displeases her parents. But over the years, they've been pressing her more and more to get married and at this point, they don't care what the ethnicity is anymore. They just want her to tie the knot with someone, anyone! But I agree with the above posters. Find out how big of a deal it is for her family. I know it's easier said than done to just ignore her parents and carry on dating because they can make life miserable especially in tight-knit families. But at the end of the day, she's going to have to choose which is more important to her: appeasing her parents or going after what she wants.
thatone Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) have the girlfriend tell the parents that she's dating a japanese guy but really likes black guys, or latin guys, or arab guys, or some other non-asian race. they'll either disown her or wind up a lot more content with a japanese guy, either way you win . for those not familiar with the history the japanese invaded and occupied korea many times over a span of ~400 years, and the last occupation didn't end until WW2 ended, so there's a bad history between the two countries. this isn't racism per se, it's probably more like an israeli girl dating a palestinian or a northern irish girl dating a member of the british royalty, to the parents. Edited June 8, 2011 by thatone
Author SigOne Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 How old are you guys? Both early twenties with successful 5-9 jobs. So that makes the situation even more silly
Author SigOne Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 But honestly, I know no matter who I marry they will be accepted by my family because at the end of the day we are all just family. So, applying my experience to your situation, I would just point out that the two of you are dating and even though you aren't what they think her ideal guy would be, you know they still love her enough not to cut her out of her family Good points here! ty
denise_xo Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 My mother made a BIG DEAL about my partners' religion. I took a non compromise stand on it. It was a huge palaver for a while and then the dust settled. I guess a key question is whether your gf is willing/able to pick that battle in the first place.
milkmaterial Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 k to be serious tho sigone, it could be because the older parents just dont want to bother talkign to you in english. its a drag to have to struggle talking to you in english because they cant talk to you in korean, theres a really big difference, im pretty sure you know what im talking about. my bf told me his mom wants me to learn his language cause she cant speak much english..its kinda funny how he isnt really interested in learning mine. but whatevs.
tigressA Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I have a friend in her mid-forties whose love-life has been destroyed by this. She is Chinese and her parents want her only with an Asian man. Japanese, Korean, etc would be acceptable. Her mother makes her life a living hell. It isn't just a simple case of "tell them how you feel and do what you want." For some people it rips families apart and destroys potential relationships. Find out from your girlfriend exactly how serious her parents are on this issue. Because if they are truly serious then a peaceful and healthy relationship will be nearly impossible and you'll be faced with a lot of problems and stress. I agree with this. I can't stress the last paragraph enough. There are, unfortunately, still many families who are hell-bent on making their kids' lives a living nightmare just because they won't date/marry someone of their own ethnicity/nationality/religion/race. If your girlfriend thinks it's possible to talk her parents into accepting you, then by all means go ahead with that. As for reasons why the tradition is "silly and has to go", DON'T explain it in that way to her parents. Disrespecting their views like that, however silly they may be, will only make them think that she's too immature to make decisions like this for herself and they will be that much more likely to never accept you or any other non-Korean guy she may date. Have her try just explaining why she likes you so much. Perhaps if her parents aren't utterly immovable on the issue and see how happy she is with you and why, they'll come around. Do either of you live independently from your parents? If your GF is still being supported by her parents in any way then it will be much more difficult.
Author SigOne Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 k to be serious tho sigone, it could be because the older parents just dont want to bother talkign to you in english. its a drag to have to struggle talking to you in english because they cant talk to you in korean, theres a really big difference, im pretty sure you know what im talking about. my bf told me his mom wants me to learn his language cause she cant speak much english..its kinda funny how he isnt really interested in learning mine. but whatevs. Yep, the language barrier seems to be one of the reasons. And no I'm not an engineer. I'm IT As for reasons why the tradition is "silly and has to go", DON'T explain it in that way to her parents. Disrespecting their views like that, however silly they may be, will only make them think that she's too immature to make decisions like this for herself and they will be that much more likely to never accept you or any other non-Korean guy she may date. Have her try just explaining why she likes you so much. Perhaps if her parents aren't utterly immovable on the issue and see how happy she is with you and why, they'll come around. Good points here! Thank you Do either of you live independently from your parents? If your GF is still being supported by her parents in any way then it will be much more difficult. She still lives with her parents but can easily move out and live on her own. She's only there to help them out
alexlakeman Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I wouldn't want my kid to marry / date black for example.. it's the family's preference...NOT saying it's right,but it is what it is.. imagine going long term with her and having to deal with the family the rest of your life.. you were NOT their number one choice... She could move out , get her own place, then they have no say in the decision Both early twenties with successful 5-9 jobs. So that makes the situation even more silly Wow you guys are lucky though, getting to work so little hours..
tigressA Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) She still lives with her parents but can easily move out and live on her own. She's only there to help them out Okay, well it's good she's just helping them out. If she were still dependent on them that would be a whole other story. I think if your girlfriend really cares for you and wants to be with you, she will tell her parents, and she won't allow her parents to interfere in her dating life. You will need to be there to support her. Things could get very difficult, possibly nightmarish. For example, if they disowned her/kicked her out of the house would you be willing to take her in until she can get her own place? I think, though, that dealing with difficulties this belief system entails is still better than being kept a dirty secret. If your girlfriend starts repeating excuses as to why she won't talk to them at all/keeps delaying it, then you would be right to be concerned about how seriously she takes your relationship. Edited June 8, 2011 by tigressA
alethean Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Okay, well it's good she's just helping them out. If she were still dependent on them that would be a whole other story. I think if your girlfriend really cares for you and wants to be with you, she will tell her parents, and she won't allow her parents to interfere in her dating life. You will need to be there to support her. Things could get very difficult, possibly nightmarish. For example, if they disowned her/kicked her out of the house would you be willing to take her in until she can get her own place? I think, though, that dealing with difficulties this belief system entails is still better than being kept a dirty secret. If your girlfriend starts repeating excuses as to why she won't talk to them at all/keeps delaying it, then you would be right to be concerned about how seriously she takes your relationship. I agree with this post. I realize this won't be easy but if she really wants it, she will find the courage to do it. Keep supporting her and gl.
carhill Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by SigOne Both early twenties with successful 5-9 jobs. So that makes the situation even more silly Wow you guys are lucky though, getting to work so little hours.. Hehe, that's 5am to 9pm OP, I'm a decided nonconformist and I've seen the results of this played out. My exW's niece, who's German-American, married an Armenian from Lebanon. His parents were so against their relationship that my exW and I had to stand in for his parents during part of a traditional Armenian wedding. Awful. Later, the son refused to bring their children to see his parents. I don't know if it was ever resolved. However, they have a great marriage and live distant to the parents and their life was happy last I heard. To me, that's what's important. In your case, with genders reversed, it depends on your GF's sense of autonomy and ability to assert her boundaries with her parents. If this is a potential marriage, you'll need to approach it as a team and cleave to each other. Parents are not god. Biology doesn't confer ownership. Assert your individuality and let life take its course. Good luck
Author SigOne Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Hehe, that's 5am to 9pm oops, I meant 9-5. haha. In your case, with genders reversed, it depends on your GF's sense of autonomy and ability to assert her boundaries with her parents. If this is a potential marriage, you'll need to approach it as a team and cleave to each other. Parents are not god. Biology doesn't confer ownership. Assert your individuality and let life take its course. Good luck Well written here! Very eloquent. Thanks! If your girlfriend starts repeating excuses as to why she won't talk to them at all/keeps delaying it, then you would be right to be concerned about how seriously she takes your relationship. One thing I should have pointed out: another reason she hasn't brought me up to her parents (even though I've met her siblings) is that she's just afraid if the relationship ends soon, she'll feel embarrassed in front of her parents
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