I care for you deeply but don't think I love you anymore, part 2

[4wat]

Couldn't post on my old thread... to old I guess. Here is my original post for perspective. Posted Jan 30, 2011:

Let me start by saying I doubt I am thinking about any of this rationally yet. I am lost, hurt, confused, and internally desperately clawing for a solution. I am trying not to show my wife that desperation... I'm afraid that would only make things worse. At this point I can't stop thinking about anything else though, so I'm not sure how well I'm doing with the hiding it part. My wife has been my best friend since before we were married, and has been the only person I have felt as though I could confide in for many, many years. What I desperately need now is my best friend to pour my heart out to... but that can't be.

 

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have two teen aged sons together. We have always been there for one another (or at least I thought we had been). Last week though, she told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She told me she cares for me deeply, loves spending time with me, and has fun being with me. She just doesn't feel as though she is in love with me anymore. She told me how horrible this makes her feel, because she knows how much I love her. She said she feels as though something is missing for her, that she doesn't want to live the rest of her life without loving someone as deeply as I love her. I'm not sure if that last part was supposed to make me feel better, but it felt more like being stabbed with a shard of broken glass. What I heard was "Not only don't I love you anymore, but I want to find someone else."

 

To make matters worse, my wife is in Afghanistan right now and won't be home until November. We are both Nurses in the U.S. Army. I don't think her intention was to tell me her feelings from half way around the world, but that is how I got the news. She has been able to Skype home every day or two (and still is). Anyway, I was picking up an odd feeling from her, so I asked three little words... "Are we o.k.?" She hesitated, then poured it all out. She told me she had been feeling this way for a long while, and was hoping she would feel different with our forced separation; she hadn't though. I sat there... crushed. I confessed my love for her, told her how I was feeling... all the while thinking my reaction couldn't be helping and knowing that it was probably just making the situation worse.

 

Currently she is telling me she doesn't want to make a final decision until she comes home in 10 months. But she has also laid out a plan; she doesn't want to file for anything until our assignment here is over, and we have moved to our next duty station (about 5 months after she returns). This way we are both still around our boys for a few additional years.

 

I asked if she is willing to try and save our relationship... if she is willing to see a councilor with me when she gets back. She has told me she is willing to, but when I ask if she wants to she won't answer me. This makes me believe she is only trying to ease my pain.

 

Looking in retrospect I probably shouldn't have felt so blindsided. I can think of 2 other times over the past 5 years when she told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore or not. Within a few days though, she would tell me how much I meant to her, that she did love me, and that she was sorry for saying what she had. I think I wanted so much to believe in that reciprocated love that I just let it go... I shouldn't have.

 

I don't want to come across as blameless in this situation. I know I am not. Have I ever been physical with my wife... absolutely not. Have I ever been verbally abusive... no. Have I been emotionally absent... never. What I have done though is been to emotionally dependant on her. I have based my entire life around her. In short, I have probably driven her away by not giving her enough space.

 

To tell you the truth, I'm not completely sure why I am writing this post. Probably just to vent and get my feelings off my chest before they eat away at me. I don't know if my marriage is doomed to fail at this point... I pray it isn't. I don't know if it is possible for my wife to fall back in love with me... or if she even wants to. I don't know a lot of things. I guess maybe I am hoping someone out there does though.

 

Thanks for listening

 

 

It’s been a while since I’ve been back on here. Been spending a lot of time trying not to dwell on this while my wife is away… sometimes successful, and sometimes not so much, LOL. I feel like I have been doing pretty good, been doing a lot of diving; finished my Divemaster certification last month and looking at starting my Open Water Instructor certification in the next few months. I do still think about our marriage a lot, but I have been basically keeping busy… sometimes I wonder though if what I am doing is more hiding from the pain though. Anyway my wife was just home on her 2 week mid-tour R&R and things are way, way worse than I ever wanted to let myself believe. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t wanted to move forward with the proposed separation, but I like to think I had come to terms with it. There was definitely a big part of that acceptance that had to do with the “Let them go and if it was meant to be she will come back” thing. I won’tlie, I want her back as my wife, partner and best friend… but I had come to terms with this really being the only route that stood a chance… I had also been preparing myself for that not to work… but there was always hope.

 

On to the way, way worse part. I know it was unrealistic; I knew that even before she got home, but Ihad imagined our reunion to be emotion filled (good emotions) and one of relief. When she got off the plane all I wanted to do was hold her… every day for the last 7 months I have worried about her, worried she would be hurt… or worse. Even after the revelation in January those feelings of constant worry over her safety never went away. And there she was… standing in front of me… safe… My heart yearned to hold her close and let my relief wash over us. I knew it wasn’t going to be that way… but it’s what I wanted. I reached out to her to hold her and I could feel the tension in her muscles, not the release and relief I had so badly wanted to feel from her.

 

When we got home she told me she was setting up skype on her cell (already had it on her lap-top; how we’ve been communicating while she was there), at first I didn’t see that as a big deal. I was sure there were people in Afghanistan that would like to hear she was home safe. I would want that if I were there… to be able to hear their trip was safe, and tell them to enjoy their time with their family and see you in a few weeks.

 

Skype makes a real distinctive sound when an IM comes through… “bulip” and soon after we had made it home I started hearing them… “bulip”… reply… “bulip”, etc. This went on for a while. Still it didn’t seem unreasonable to me… even when the “bulips” began again later in the evening (about wake up time in Afghanistan). When they started the nextday though I couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t good. These were never short texts back and forth that would happen over a few minutes. These were 30, 45, 60 minute constant back and forth conversations… “bulip”…reply… “bulip”. Something wasn’ tright. The pattern was the same about wake up time and afternoon time in Afghanistan.

 

My intention had just been to have a good time with my wife when she got home. I knew she needed to decompress and I wanted to have a good two weeks. Lying in bed on the second night though, I couldn’t keep it all in any more. This had been on my mind since January with no real shot at resolution… until now. I started asking about us. I could tell she was uncomfortable, but her answers came easily and with a ring of truth to them; she wanted to separate after our pending move next spring… She didn’t feel passion for me… she wanted us to remain close friends. The 900 lbsgorilla was still in the room though and so I asked, was there another man? This time was different. She paused and it seemed like it took an hour for her reply to come. After 5-10 seconds she said “No”. The pause was all the answer I needed, but I still wanted to believe her.

 

The next day and every day after the “bulips” kept coming, and never for a short time. Things were up and down, the tension was always there, but we did get out and have a good time. Mostly when it wasn’t “bulip” time. Over our 17 year marriage I had always trusted my wife, and I desperately wanted to now as well, but every time she would take a shower or take a bath I would struggle with the thought of picking up her phone or her computer and seeing what was going on… I never did though… I couldn’t get myself to betray her privacy, even when I knew what she was doing was much, much worse. One day though amidst the “bulips” I was walking behind her and glanced over and saw two statements I wish I had never seen, her: “Good morning my love”, him: “Lying here in my bunk wishing you were here beside me. I want to touch you.” That was it, there was nowhere else for me to hide and tell myself I was reading too much into things. Each time I had asked before, that what always her response, to make me feel guilty for even asking her and not trusting her, even when all her actions were screaming otherwise. I didn’t tell her what I had seen. I wanted to give her the chance to tell me the truth… of course she didn’t. That night laying in bed I told her what I had seen and when she had nowhere else left to turn she admitted it. Even through all the feelings of betrayal, lost trust and respect at the thought at what she had done, and was continuing to do, the feeling of betrayal from the lying was somehow even worse. I can hardly think of a time in our 17 years of marriage when I ever even went as far as raising my voice to my wife, but the next morning I couldn’t hold the emotion in any longer, and a lot of it came out with me yelling… I honestly do still feel bad about that. I pressured her and she admitted that this thing had started in November (they got to Afghanistan inOctober)… I pressured her again and she told me it was serious… I pressured her again and she admitted they have even talked about marriage…

 

This is not in her defense, but I can almost see and even understand how this all started. My wife was not a part of the unit she deployed with. To this day, 7+ months into their deployment, she is ignored and ostracized by most of the people she is there with. The first few months were even worse. Very few people reached out to her and offered her friendship… and he was one of them. They are not in a good and pleasant place. There is the constant stress of being mortared daily, and seeing things routinely I wish she would never have seen even once in her life. There are constant shared fears and shared stressors. I can understand how people would reach out to one another in an environment like that. What I don’tbelieve is that they truly know one another. They are in a place unlike the reality of home, and what they have is forbidden (not just because they are both married. If they were caught both of their careers would be lost). How can you truly know someone when your relationship is based on making sure nobody knows you are together, catching moments here and there? I’m sure there is excitement, I’m sure there is passion, I’m sure there are conversations. In situations like this though everyone is always trying to put their best foot forward… how can they really know each other?

 

A day later (two days before she was to fly back) she told me she was going to write him and tell him it was over. She went to her computer and for the first time she didn’t go out of her way to turn it awayfrom me. For the second time in our marriage (the first being the two messages I mentioned earlier) I succumbed to mistrust and glanced over and saw the conversation (she didn’t know). She told him they needed to slow down because she was worried they would lose their careers. He mentioned they probably should stay away from one another. The rest was I miss you’s and I love you’s, except for these two, him: You need to tell him how sad his life has been. And her: I don’t think this means we can’t try and move closer to one another. She closed her computer, looked at me and said “I did it, it’s over”.

 

The day she was supposed to leave we took a long walk and I told her I had seen that whole conversation… She said she wished I hadn’t. She said she had gotten caught up in it all over the last 7 months, and insisted it was over.

Edited June 8, 2011 by 4wat

[robf1971]

… She said she wished I hadn’t. She said she had gotten caught up in it all over the last 7 months, and insisted it was over.

 

And you believe that cr*p?. Why do people tolerate being sh*t on like this. Kick her out, thats the only way she will gain a modicum of respect for you.

 

Let her go, set her free, get boxes pack her stuff put them in the garage,

 

then you to your wife

 

"Wife I understand you want to be free, goodbye, I'm filing for divorce and 50% custody to make it fair for us but I will not tolerate this disrespect under my roof"

 

This is what you

[4wat]

I don't believe it... not completely anyway. I believe her intention is to stop the physical affair while they are there; the motivation behind that is just not to get caught though. Everything else will continue... I'm not deluding myself in that regard. When they finish their deployment I am sure a long distance relationship will start.

 

So, do I believe her... NO

 

There has been a lot of talk about remaining friends... we truly were best friends all these years. I would truly like that... but not if there is the possibility of this guy in her future. Someone else I think I could live with... He will always remind me of this betrayal

[Owl]

I know I don't need to spell this out for you.

 

What they're both doing is in direct violation of UCMJ.

 

Report it to her company commander. At that point, THEY will ensure that "it's over" between them.

 

Odds are real low that either of them will be forced to resign their commission...but they will most likely face action under Article 15. If they both cooperate, this can probably be kept at a company grade, and even placed in their restricted files.

 

TAKE ACTION.

 

You know what to do...you're just afraid of what might happen.

 

I'm here to tell you...you're a lot more likely to lose her due to INACTION on your part than taking action.

[robf1971]

What they're both doing is in direct violation of UCMJ.

 

placed in their restricted files.

 

TAKE ACTION.

 

OP ignore this advice at your peril

[robf1971]

I'm not deluding myself

 

Yes you are,

[4wat]

What they're both doing is in direct violation of UCMJ.

 

Report it to her company commander. At that point, THEY will ensure that "it's over" between them.

 

Odds are real low that either of them will be forced to resign their commission...but they will most likely face action under Article 15. If they both cooperate, this can probably be kept at a company grade, and even placed in their restricted files.

 

 

Not so sure about that. I have two different friends here at my duty station who are being forced out after their tour here for adultry. I am pissed at her, but I don't want to screw her life

[Owl]

If you change nothing...expect nothing to change.

 

This has nothing to do with being angry with her. It has everything to do with fighting to save your marriage.

 

You cannot improve your marriage while she's seeing this other guy. She will continue seeing this other guy until something stops her from doing so. Can you think of any other way to make this happen, given her deployment?

 

Understand something...it doesn't matter to me if you follow my advice or not. It's your marriage, not mine.

 

I know what it took to recover my marriage from my wife's affair.

 

I've also almost certainly been on more deployments than you and your wife combined. I've seen this more times than I can count...honestly.

 

She WILL continue this for as long as she's deployed, or until she's forced to stop.

 

One last thought...if her chain of command were to find out...and say it DID end her military career...who's fault is that, really?

 

Yours? Or hers?

 

I've offered one plan...have you got or been offered a better one?

[4wat]

If you change nothing...expect nothing to change.

 

This has nothing to do with being angry with her. It has everything to do with fighting to save your marriage.

 

You cannot improve your marriage while she's seeing this other guy. She will continue seeing this other guy until something stops her from doing so. Can you think of any other way to make this happen, given her deployment?

 

Understand something...it doesn't matter to me if you follow my advice or not. It's your marriage, not mine.

 

I know what it took to recover my marriage from my wife's affair.

 

I've also almost certainly been on more deployments than you and your wife combined. I've seen this more times than I can count...honestly.

 

She WILL continue this for as long as she's deployed, or until she's forced to stop.

 

One last thought...if her chain of command were to find out...and say it DID end her military career...who's fault is that, really?

 

Yours? Or hers?

 

I've offered one plan...have you got or been offered a better one?

 

Owl I do appreciate your advice, and I am not dismissing it. It is on my mind. She would be the only one resigning a commission if it came to that though. The OM is an NCO, not a Commissioned Officer. He is married as well.

[Owl]

Owl I do appreciate your advice, and I am not dismissing it. It is on my mind. She would be the only one resigning a commission if it came to that though. The OM is an NCO, not a Commissioned Officer. He is married as well.

 

I was an NCO.

 

You're right...he can't be made to resign a commission...but he could well be given a bar to re-enlistment.

 

Not to mention what he's doing to his wife is EQUALLY as wrong as what your wife is doing to you.

 

Equal consequences.

 

Personally I feel you are OBLIGATED as an officer to report this as a violation of UCMJ.

 

It's a violation, you're aware of it...that makes you obligated to report it.

 

Again...that's my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

[NoneTheWiser]

If you change nothing...expect nothing to change.

 

 

Owl... GREAT ADVICE. If we just stop and thought about that line....it has such meaning.

[What_Next]

It is admirable that you don't want to impact her career. However, you are doing so at the expense of your marriage.

 

There is no justification for her behavior. She is banging some other guy, pure and simple. Sorry to be crude, but that's the truth.

 

If she doesn't end it NOW, then your marriage is over.

[michelangelo]

These folks are right, you need to report it -- with one caveat.

 

If I were you, I'd do it AFTER the divorce and spousal support and child custody decisions are made. If her career tanks before that? You'll be on tap for spousal support at a greater degree than currently.

 

She is not ending the affair, she is just trying to get you off her back.

[4wat]

So here is what I've done: It was killing me thinking that a woman half way accross the country was going through this same **** I am... being made to feel guilty for questioning her husbands loyalty. I called her yesterday and told her everything I knew. I wanted to let her know that if her marriage was ending it wasn't her fault. That she did not cause this, but that her husband and my wife had. I did find out though that he actually had told her he wanted a divorce in January (same time I got my original message). Since then she has been beating herself up, thinking he wanted the divorce because she was questioning his fidelity.

 

The second thing I did was write this other guy. It was real sweet and simple. Told him to stay the hell away from my wife, and oh you might want to talk with your wife.

 

When my wife called to blame me for ruining her career (nobody said anything about turning them in) I just told her that I loved her, I wanted our family back, that I was fighting for her, and that I was not going to continue making her affair easy for her.

 

The seperation/divorce discussion (not sure you can call it a discussion) has gone from friendly and cooperative to her telling me I have just started a war

[4wat]

On the bright side, there is someone I am interested in a great deal here...

[Owl]

Two thoughts...

 

First...you can either work on your marriage or you can explore the 'whatever' the person you're interested in. NOT BOTH. Either choose to work on your marriage, or divorce so at least you can exit the marriage with your head held high before you start something with someone else.

 

Second...why would this other guy care at all what you told his wife, or about the letter you sent him? He's talked to her about divorce, and frankly a letter from you means NOTHING to an OM who's with your wife.

 

Take it from someone who's had that same kind of conversation with the OM who was involved with my wife.

 

Don't waste your time talking with him.

 

At this point, I'm kinda done posting any further advice until I know which way you intend to go.

 

If you're gonna explore options with someone else...there is no further advice for me to offer.

 

If you intend to work on your marriage...your first step is to burn that bridge with the girl who seems like a backup plan.

[4wat]

I've realized my wife and I are done. I asked myself why in the world would I want her back after the way she has lied and tried to shift blame. There is still a part of me that is reaching for the familiararity of what we had... but the truth is this; "had" is the operative word. And is relationship based around just familiararity what I realy want? When I detached myself from the situation and asked those question the answer was No.

 

My wife and I were never mean, cruel or non-supportive of one another. Even up to when she left for this deployment... I think that's why it has taken me these last 5 months to realize how lost she was to me. Our marriage is over and after months of heartache I've accepted it. Can't explain how freeing it realy is. Right now I'm excited about the future and finally getting back to the old me... and I like it. I had come to terms with the end of our marriage before she came home on R&R. Finding out about the affair though brought on feelings of inadequacy, and alls I can explain as competition... someone was trying to take my place in her life. When I think about it now, it was pretty irrational of mysely. I had already accepted we were over; why in the world would I react like this just because I found out it had something to do with another man? Whatever the reason it wasn't the right reason to keep a marriage together.

 

The other woman I am interested in was never a back up plan... we never did anything except talk casualy, and still haven't. I do like spending time with her though, and who knows; maybe there could be a future with her... I've decided she is someone I realy would like to get to know a lot better. What I worry about though with regards to her (or any other woman in the near future) is if I can be fair to her. I don't want to bring all the feelings of mistrust I've lived with since January to her, or anybody else. I've accepted the end of my marriage and now I feel like I am ready to move on with my life.

 

Thank you all for all the advice, straight talk and encouragement you have given me for the last 5 months of this not so fun train ride. What I didnt see before, but do now though is this: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. What I did see as a bleak road ahead of me, I know see as a bright and exciting future. Thank you!

[Owl]

So...I take it either you or your wife is now going to file for divorce ASAP?

 

If so...rock on.

 

Sometimes that's the only tenable outcome of some situations.