I want a divorce

[Bratgirl]

Hi Everyone,

I found this forum because I did a search "is it normal to have doubts about wanting a divorce". Here's my story... H and I have been married 14 years, 3 kids,, 14, 12 and 6. We've been together 20 years. H went into rehab early in our marriage for alcohol abuse. For the next 5 years everything "seemed" really good. We were a happy family, he was a great father. We decided to have another child. Shortly after giving birth to our 3rd child( almost 7 years ago) , H got a new job and started hanging out with people who were drug addicts. He stopped going to AA meetings, and his whole attitude changed. There was no more talking to him. It was a very hard time for me. We fought all the time about these new people in his life and he accused me of not wanting him to have friends.

 

Not long after he got his new job and new friends, he had an injury @ work. Now, Im not doubting the injury was painful. When he came home from ER with stiches and a script of pain meds, I was shocked. The sober H would NEVER take pain meds. Long after injury should have been healed he went to Dr, and got a script for pain meds. He hid this from me. I eventually found out and was accused of wanting him to be in pain.

 

During this time our biggest issue was $. Turns out he developed a $60 a day habit( I called Dr and told them of H's past addiction issues and he was cut off) He lied about the $ and like a fool I believed him. Fast forward to last may... his addiction got so out of control, I could no longer deny what was happening. He went into rehab in June 2010. I told him... I would stand by him ONLY if he worked on himself and went to meetings and commited to being sober. If he didnt I wasnt going to hang around any longer.

 

His sobriety lasted all of 2 months. Again, denial was a friend of mine. This past year, I know for a fact he has used drugs. From what I can tell, rehab made him a smarter addict. He is still taking cash out of account, that was suppose to be a deal breaker. He's not taking nearly as much as he was at the hight of his addiction, but he is still taking cash. Is he using daily? I dont think so, as I've tried to stop obsessing about him. We basically dont talk unless we are fighting. He has told me he has never loved me and only married me because I was pregnant. We havent had sex in almost a year. We dont sleep in same bed. I do everything as far as child care, house work.

 

For a long long time, I have been thinking I want a divorce. I finally came to the conclusion that H will never change and the best thing would be for us to seperate. I told him last week and he was shocked. Now he is totally kissing my a$$. He goes from sad to angry back to sad.

 

I have been very weepy. Today I woke up and thought maybe he WILL change. He's being so nice. The rational part of my brain knows that he is doing exactly what drug addicts do, he is manipulating me.

 

I was hoping we would be on the same page with all of this. I was hoping he would make this easy. Any imput or feed back would be appricated.

~B

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

His addictions are out of your control. Accept that they have markedly affected the entirety of your life with him and relationship with him. They just do.

 

Fear of losing you and/or the children is temporarily altering his behaviors, or he has a purposeful method of 'pushing your buttons'. Reactive change is seldom long-lasting. Proactive change, change for himself, more likely.

 

If anyone has irreconcilable differences, it's you and he. If you've been dealing with this all alone, I'd suggest some exit IC to help you if you choose to divorce. Divorcing an addict or unbalanced individual can be a trying and sometimes dangerous time.

 

IMO, I think you've given your M a valiant effort. Only you know when to throw in the towel. I wish you well in making your decision.

[Mauschen]

B,

 

I am not a proponent of divorce at all, but in your case, you need to get out (or kick him out) until he is completely clean and not taking money to buy his drugs. Living with an addict is not a normal (or healthy) life for you or your children.

 

BEFORE you kick him out (or leave), make sure to prepare very well for child custody. I recommend reading the book Child Custody A to Z: Winning with Evidence by Guy White. Document your husband's interactions with the kids (anything he does that is inappropriate). Gather information regarding his rehab and ongoing evidence of addiction. Get a keylogger on the computer if he spends time on the computer (so you can see what he is up to), and track his phone calls/texts.

 

For your emotional well-being, see a therapist if you're not doing so already. Breaking free from an addict or an abuser (most addicts are abusers by default) is not easy. You can not help him, only he can choose to help himself and only he can choose to change himself.

 

I agree with the above poster that the fear of loosing you and the kids is temporary and the a$$-kissing is likely to end once he feels comfortable again. He IS manipulating you. My ex, who cheated on me for 3 years, smoked weed daily, and drank a liter of vodka every weekend night (and became verbally and physically abusive afterward) told me often that he loved me and how much I meant to him. For a long time, I believe him and thought things would get better. Eventually, I realized that actions speak louder than words, and that his version of love was not real love. When I left, he made no attempt to change (but I know some men do).

 

I wish you the best in your decision. I know it isn't easy.