rawtoxic Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Ok so I'm a bit confused and maybe someone who's not head over heels right now can straighten me out. I have a friend I have had for a few years, always been together with same guy always breaking up and getting back together with him (like 25 times - lots). They have 5 years history. We have always been a bit attracted to each other since I can remember but never really acted on it. She has left him again and I was more involved in her life than normal with a project I'm doing for work so I ended up helping her through the break up. I think they are finally done as it's the longest separation in their history. So we ended up having a bit of a rebound dance but she quickly called it off because of feelings for her ex are still there and I agreed as I think our hopes are best with a strong friendship and than developing a relationship when both of us are ready. She is someone I respect and really like. The problem is she is calling me like a girlfriend would. We talk first thing every morning, every night and text all day. We see each other every day and do activities 3 times a week. She would probably spend the night but I have put up that boundary right now as we are trying to be friends and I can't have something in my bed I can't touch. I have all this attachment to her but I also want the physical but the feeling for her ex are still there? So anyways now I'm here in a relationship with her where I feel like there is companionship level of an intimate relationship without the intimacy. My question is what the **** to do? I know I should just be the good solid guy I am and ride out the storm but I am going ****ing crazy for her and can't really act on my emotions? Part of me tells me I'm being used and maybe should focus on other girls I have plenty of attention from some others? I'm just worried my companion won't approve! I told her my feelings didn't just turn off and she still has them and wants to conceal them, I can tell she is holding back. She said she is afraid of hurting her EX by being with someone! Almost sounds like she is just waiting for him to come back ??? Damn I just read my whole post objectively and I feel like I should just flee the whole situation! Your opinion?
carhill Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Welcome to LS There are a number of scenarios possible. 1. She does like your attention, but is not attracted to you; however, she knows that you are attracted to her, and she likes that. Don't confuse 'that' with 'you'. 2. You're a distraction in her mating dance with her on-again, off-again BF. 3. You're a tool 4. She doesn't want to act on any feelings while still 'getting over' her BF. Possible, but doubtful. 5. She considers you a good friend The operative parameter to remember is that, in her mind, she's always right. How she feels is her truth. If she is otherwise a good friend, meaning that she is caring and attentive to your needs as a friend (not an erstwhile lover), then you have a decision to make. Having made the wrong decision enough times, I would suggest the 'you know how I feel and where to find me' disconnection speech. Wish her well and, perhaps, in the future, she'll find her way to your level of expressed feelings or you'll find your way to her level and a balanced relationship can result. How does she feel about your dating efforts and meeting/greeting single ladies? Is she supportive socially?
smudge21 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 It's clear you really love this girl and now that the ex is an ex you're hoping for more. Stop trying to convince us you are happy just to be her friend when it's clear you can't even convince yourself. Sorry to sound harsh but the truth sometimes has to hurt. I know how you feel, been there trying to accept someone as a friend when in reality I loved them more than anything. It can't work. The only thing that will happen is you'll end up getting more hurt, especially as you get closer, until the day she's back with her ex or (even worse) meets someone new. You need to be honest with yourself about what you really really want from this girl and then be honest with her. If that means walking away, then so be it. At the moment she's not having to worry about your feelings as she's getting exactly what she wants from you. I don't mean that in a nasty way, more a she's content with having you there so is blissfully unaware of how much this is hurting you. Telling her how you feel but then continuuing to be her friend will not change a thing. You have to make a stand and show her that your feelings are real and if that means saying goodbye, then that's what you must do. If she has feelings for you (which she clearly does) then she either won't let you go, or she'll come running after you've been gone a while. Sadly the line "if you love something, let it go..." is often true. Whatever you decide you have to change what is happening and you know it.
Author rawtoxic Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the responses! carhill: I don't know which of those apply to me exactly but a few of them are a bit harsh but that's reality I guess? I am thinking #4 She admitted that if we were two animals in nature that this would be 'on'. We live in a small town, she is on the board of some non-profits and really involved. She is concerned everyone will think of her as a slut for hooking up with me so quickly after leaving her ex. Her other concern is she was best friends with her ex for 5 years and she does not want to hurt him by finding someone new so quickly (red flag - she still has feelings for him). When I start talking about other girls she gets very questioning and jealous I can tell. Example: We went out to karaoke the other night with friends and I took my dog on a walk and smoked a joint with a platonic girlfriend and she was texting me 5 minutes after I left making sure I was coming back and asked me if we had ever hooked up etc. She does not seem supportive of me seeing other girls, she wants the attention I can tell. smudge21: Thanks for the great advice. I do know a change is due. I have been enjoying the roller coaster ride but no wants to ride a coaster their whole life right? I am going to start rejecting her some, not answer all texts and calls, and mainly just blow her off some. I don't feel like cutting off the friendship as that predates the relations and even with wanting to love her I think I can go back to being a hey let's have a beer after work once-a-month type friend. I think this will keep our communication avenue open and she can develop into her transformed ex-less self and still remain in contact with me. The sex has been really good, we both feel that way, I don't know if that's a good or bad sign but we had to call in sick on Thursday so we could do it all day. We just start hooking up again after writing my original post and she has already called things 'off' just as quick. I have had a talk to her about focusing on friendship and that we can't see each other everyday right now and the constant contact while nice is not appropriate at this time. I think I got through but still have some ground to gain. Like she agreed but then text me all night when she could not sleep. I have feelings for her but I think I can table them, it's difficult and I will probably be seeking the attention of another lady to distract myself. I have started to be personally affected by this as I am a business owner and I am writing her poems when I should be writing proposals. And this post to the forum could be time spent completing our payroll! So here is my plan: 1) Be strong willed and stay off marijuana and alcohol as they make me more emotional 2) Succeed at my job - should be a good distraction that pays well! 3) Do not contact her except when initiated by her and keep initiated contact to a few texts or one call a day. 4) Start dating someone else 5) Do not make myself available for her (she kind of just stops by a lot) Anything else to add? I feel bad I have to do this but I know it's the right thing! Edited June 11, 2011 by rawtoxic Improve clarity and readability
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