Gisele Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 With her...in 'our' pub. The one we went to on our first date, ended up in after many others dates.... man it hurt like hell Didnt help that they were sitting at the same table as we always did. I was there with a group of friends, and their table was around the corner near the bathroom so none of us had any idea we were all there until i got up to go to the ladies He looked up and sort of nodded, i was looking back but i was so shocked to see them both there that i really hope my expression wasn't something daft I just kept on walking, they were kissing each other here and there. Felt like someone was punching me in the stomach again and again I tried not to look on my way back, and just joined my friends and tried to pretend they werent there On their way out, they walked past our table. He was staring at me but i kept my eyes on the friends sitting across from me. He put his arm around her waist and gave her a kiss on the cheek That killed. All i wanted when we were together, was a bit of kindness, a bit of affection. I had to be lucky if he were to hold my hand because he said he wasnt comfortable with 'PDA'. I don't understand why she gets it, and i didn't. She's older than me, but she's not better than me. maybe she didn't let him away with a line like that as easily as i did? Maybe he just likes her more. The thought makes me want to cry. I miss him. All his bad points are becoming blurred. This was definitely a setback. I feel like crap. Completely worthless and replaceable The more i look for clues showing that they're putting a lot of it on and hope that they won't last, the closer and stronger they seem to become, and the longer they last It's been nearly 6 months now. Can't stop trying to analyse why he had that very sexual conversation with me, really pushing and demanding to know who id been with or slept with since, and trying to say he was 'oh, just curious' when i asked why he wanted to know. Was she sitting beside him? Had she gone to sleep? Even throwing out names of my male friends and asking if i was sleeping with them And the staring at me. I think it's one of the things that is making me hold on to hope. I just want the pain to stop. I wish i had never told him how i felt. No matter what i do now, even if i keep up nc for the rest of my time at uni, he'll always have that power over me Be able to look at me as his lesser, pathetic ex who told him she still had feelings, and just pity me because he moved on and i obviously havent . Ill never forget his 'hurry up and get over me, focus on my bad points' speech he gave me. Now it feels like everytime i do that, im still doing what he tells me. As if me having feelings for him was so disgusting to him that he had to force me out of it, basically telling me what YOU all tell me, but from him it seems hurtful. Patronising. Like i have no power or dignity in the situation whatsoever Like he didn't even care enough to consider it.
ThatBwoii Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 if i was in that situation i would have made a night of it with my friends, bury ur emotions and show him that you were haing a good time and that you were happy, dont let him get what he wants from you, and dont look to him to make your day better or worse. you were there first which should make you think, why were they there in the first place? He wants your attention, dont give it to him, give it to yourself.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I just want the pain to stop. I wish i had never told him how i felt. No matter what i do now, even if i keep up nc for the rest of my time at uni, he'll always have that power over me Not if you let him. You did amazing! You kept your cool and walked right by them. No scene, no tears, and you didn't call him or email him after it happened. You kept up no contact and maintained your self-respect and dignity. You're a ROCKSTAR! I'm 28 years old and 2 years ago I wouldn't have handeled that nearly as well as you seem to have. Good job honey. You might feel like it's a setback but I'm sure you came off as a confident girl that didn't lower yourself to him. In his eyes you probably gave him a proverbial slap in the face for not reacting.
Author Gisele Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Looking back at the last line of my thread, what i wrote is just daft. Why WOULD he consider it, he has someone else. And i was still very much out of order for saying i had feelings when he was already with someone! Thanks vsmini. that really is so kind of you. Im really trying to cling to my dignity and confidence in whatever way i still can! Doesn't feel like ive got much left to be honest Sometimes (and i think it's helpful for anyone hurting from a break-up) it helps if i look at from his perspective. Often we don't look as bad as we think we do in our heads, it's just the hurt and embarrassment that makes me FEEL like he sees me as an absolute mess. But when i step back, a lot of my turmoil and shame and crying etc (in fact, ALL of it) has been done in private, or vented about here (this place is a miracle). From his point of view, i admitted i had feelings, got rejected, then apologised for my actions having been inappropriate due to his relationship, assured him it wouldnt happen again, and wished them both the best Since then i havent contacted him once (with a few moments of extreme temptation) and have stuck to my promise that i won't, ever again. When he sees me im almost always with friends, im usually having fun, and i havent been anything but polite and friendly to his girlfriend. She doesnt seem that bad. She's not exactly a girl's girl, but she's not some diabolical, all-out bitch. She just wants to be happy, just like we all do So yes, it's a small comfort to think maybe i have handled myself well since i last spoke to him all those weeks and weeks ago Am trying not to allow myself the luxury of thinking the absolute nc, not even our old friendly, funny texts has made him miss me a little. Even though i desperately want him to. Im worried though, because the last few times he's passed me and said hello, ive usually been laughing with a friend, and havent even said hello back because im either laughing, midconversation, or he's taken me by surprise! Even last night i just responded to his nod with an expressionless (hopefully!) glance. What if look like some childish woman who decided 'im going to pretend you dont exist, because you really bruised my ego'? Because that WOULD be embarrassing. That by 'ignoring' him, im actually showing how much i DO care? Or do men not think that way? :s
sun_moon Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I think you did great. You know we are our own worst enemy. Try not to beat yourself up but instead remind yourself on how wonderfully your doing on NC. Your situation is so difficult because he is always there. Might I suggest some comic relief, even if you have already seen the movie. I only recommend it because when I read some of your history and that fact that you are in uni together, I think wow this is like "Legally Blond". Dont laugh, remember there was a happy ending, and she left her ex in the dust, she was completely over him. Anyway, I wish I could write more, must get ready for work. I believe you will one day look back on this wretched experience and say, wow I am in such a good place right now and I couldnt be more indifferent. SO glad that is over.
Author Gisele Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 I really hope so sun_moon. thanks for your support! Haven't watched legally blonde in years haha, can't hurt though! Was texting a mutual friend i hadn't seen in a while just to see how she was doing, what she was getting up to etc. She said she had just bumped into the two of them walking in the park, and a group of them were heading for drinks .......Someone has a voodoo doll of me somewhere :/ This is beyond a joke. Can i not even contact a mutual friend without them popping up, together with images of them hand in hand walking through town? And she knew how he treated me as well. Knows that i miss him. Did she really have to tell me that? Just my opinion and im obviously biased, but i didnt think it was a classy move... Ugh. Bad day
sun_moon Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I am in a bad mood today, I will post later and explain why. Dont worry Gisele, your day will come to an end...ignore ignore ignore.... lets make a voo doo doll of them lol
Author Gisele Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Sorry to hear that sun_moon hope you're doing ok!
Sugarkane Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I also think you did really well Gisele. Your ex knew that if he shoved the PDA's in your face, he might get the reaction he was looking for. Your ex is a complete jerk and an idiot. I like sun moon's idea of a voodoo doll! Maybe this is a good idea? Or you could try a punching bag. I think you did really well. I hope if I ever am put in that situation, I could be indifferent as you. I think you should pat yourself on the back. Maybe give yourself a treat.
Author Gisele Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Thanks Sugarkane. Im trying to get over how upsetting it was to see him by reminding myself i didn't behave poorly! It was still horrible though. I feel so incredibly embarrassed when i see him, and feeling like that is my fault: i set myself up for his patronising, brutal rejection when i was stupid enough to tell him i still cared, while he was in a relationship with her I dont think ill ever not feel 5 inches tall when im near him now Do you not think he'd look at me being 'indifferent' and think im being childish and completely ignoring him in public now after he rejected me? That's an even more embarrassing thought. Found myself fixating on her again. Wondering if he acts the same with her. Even trying to analyse her for clues about what i could do better Even thinking 'maybe if i lose weight....' which is a very unhealthy thought. i don't need to lose weight. Im a dancer, and i have curves, but im also very slim. Guys need to lift me sometimes during routines, and they don't exactly struggle. But i look at her, and cant stop comparing myself. Is it because she's more mature? More experienced in bed? Just daft questions like that which fly through my head. But i can't help looking at her and thinking 'he prefers her....so what can i do to not feel worthless about it' Because i feel utterly replaceable and insignificant. I really miss him. I wish he missed me too. Im getting better, i really am, and venting here has sped up my recovery like nobody's business. but it still hurts like hell. Not just knowing he's with her, but the toll the whole thing has taken on my confidence
Author Gisele Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Curvy dancer* Disclaimer: *may spend an inordinate amount of time crying over jackass ex.
Nohbody Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Seriously, a little late, but it sounds like you handled yourself inordinately well. This guy sounds like a fool.
Author Gisele Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Maybe, but he's definitely got the last laugh what i'd give to not have to face them both! Dream situation: they switch medical schools and i don't have to see them, or they break up Likely situation: this carries on for a few more months, if not years, and i can't stop pining away for him because he's ALWAYS. THERE. Im glad im doing a bit better though. Thanks to everyone who's been so patient with me and supportive! Hope it lasts until some mutual friend decides shoving photos of their Spanish holiday in my face is an appropriate conversation starter!
sun_moon Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Gisele, You are so awesome and strong. I can only imagine now, you are going to have the last hurrah I completely agree with Nohbody. Btw I can only imagine you now, young, smart, going to be a successful doctor, sexy-because your a curvy danceR, dont ever forget you are the package guys are looking for, brains and beauty. BTW I dance as a hobbie, and its so much fun. My god the positive attention I get from nice men is really really uplifting. I started to go back to my swing dancing lessons every week followed by a social dance, its an awesome work out and such a great ego boost. When you feel stung by looking at her and you're hurting, just think this, when she older and losing her youth and appeal, your gonna be a hot sexy thing in your PRIME, you will be the young hottie. Keep that in mind when you feel down and she's in your FACE. muwahahahha How much older is she? I am seriously thinking about this voodoo doll thing. lol ...hey you can get a his and hers dolls and take turns hurting them based on who you see last. LOL
Author Gisele Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I just turned 20, shes 26, turning 27 this month. So quite a bit older :/ we're both at the same stage in med school so i see her as much as i do him, unfortunately. Her age is partly why i find her so intimidating. She's older than him by a few years too. She's also very loud and commands the attention of a lot of mutual friends. Honestly, I feel like the younger, less-experienced, 2nd class option that he had! I dont feel very strong, and i think i lost the vast majority of my dignity when i confessed i still had feelings and got the 'sorry but she's sooo amazing' speech Im just trying to get it back, slowly and surely, so i don't lose it so easily again! How are you btw, you said things weren't great yesterday? Hope you're feeling better!
Nohbody Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Curvy dancer in medical school, you say? Seriously, once you get over this douche bag you are probably going to look back on the times you spent and kick yourself for wasting your time with someone who failed to appreciate the above qualities. And you will find someone who does.
sun_moon Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Hey Gisele, I'm a bit better today. If your interested, I don't want to rant on your post, you can go read mine. It explains my regress. Oh man, you are 20, you cant even see you are the winner here. lol I'm 29, and when I was 19/20, I remember feeling intimidation from people that were older and wiser than me, so I understand what you mean. Keep in mind, that dynamic will quickly flip in a couple of years. She will be in her 30s and resenting/envying the women in their 20s hehehehe
Sugarkane Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 This sounds like something my ex would do too. I always try and think of it this way: he's her problem now. And she'll probably get the same treatment one day from him. I'm sure of it. I find it seriously pathetic when dumpers do this sort of thing. I mean I would understand if it was the dumpee, trying to say look at me and what you're missing out on. But the dumper, thats extremely low.
Author Gisele Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 But that's just the thing Sugarkane i broke up with HIM. It got to the stage that i just couldn't take it anymore, the belittling comments, the constant stream of veiled insults, being ignored or complimented depending on his mood, having to walk around london alone at 3am in winter looking for a cash machine because he didn't want to leave a club we were in, being told my opinion didn't matter, being laughed at, jumping between telling me i was beautiful and making hurtful comments about my looks... I just finally listened to what so many other people had told me: he treated me terribly. I still had very strong feelings for him. I think honestly i was hoping he would be shocked into changing, which is a stupid mistake And he sort of was, as soon as i said the words he was suddenly very affectionate (something i usually had to work for) and trying to make me reconsider Fast forward 2 days later, she'd been dumped by her longterm boyfriend a few hours before, and they slept together. It broke my heart, i was actually THERE when they left to get a taxi together, but i don't have a leg to stand on. it's my fault for breaking up with him And suddenly he's full of affection, constantly being very public with her, groping her openly on nights out, PDA-galore. He wouldn't even put his arm around me when we were dating friends said he didn't want to give me lots of attention because it was obvious i was out of his league, and making me work for affection and kindness gave him the power That didnt make any sense to me at all. I never felt out of his league. I felt very, very small. The way i see it, he prefers her and that's that. It hurts like hell. And then i made the HUGE mistake of telling him i still had feelings after he was asking who i had slept with etc. And here i am!
Author Gisele Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Another thing that's pretty personal (but is REALLY affecting me from the break up so i want to tell you guys and get help with it) is what he said to me about how many people i had slept with Id only slept with one guy before him. It wasn't because im ugly, i had plenty of opportunities, and id had other boyfriends, i was just young, i just wanted to be ready and for it to be a decent guy, and he was. I was 18 and he was a really good friend of mine, and i dont regret it My ex told me, when he asked how many and i decided to answer honestly, right at the beginning of us dating and before we slept together, that me only having been with one man was 'a massive turn-off' It was horrible to hear, i had already fallen for him at this stage, but looking back i can't believe i just sat there and let him say that to me He'd been with a LOT of women, apparently. as in, 40-50. Well, it's a lot to me, but it didnt bother me HUGELY He said that being 18 when i finally lost it was just 'bizarre' And he didn't know if he could deal with the 'responsibility' of being with someone who'd only slept with one person I didnt know what he was talking about. I was hardly shy and nervous when it came to sex, and wasn't inexperienced, just experienced a lot with one guy instead of many I didnt know what to do or say, i just let him rant on And he never had any complaints when we did sleep together, even shocked compliments and praise But i never really got over those comments. I still havent. And as soon as we broke up, as well as suddenly complimenting me and showering me with affection, as soon as he realised i was serious he started listing all the reasons why HE thought it shouldnt work either and that was the main one, he kept saying: "you just don't understand how much of a turn-off it is for men to hear you've only slept with one other guy" "you should have lied and told me more, i just couldn't get over it in the end and i wouldnt have known any better" "if you're smart, you'll lie to the next guy and inflate the numbers so you don't freak him out" I went for the door, i felt like I was being dumped, and he realised id heard enough and jumped right back to compliments and persuading me to stay All the things he said have stuck though Was i weird for being 18 before i lost my virginity? SHOULD i lie to the next guy? I just don't understand. It really shook my confidence. No guy has ever treated me like that, or said those things to me. Not even when i was dating some that knew i was a virgin at that time! It's made me feel really unattractive and unappealing to men, to be blunt. It doesnt help that given her age and the rumour-mill, his new girlfriend is definitely NOT short of notches on her bedpost And it makes me feel so much worse then, when i compare myself to her. Or when i see then do their usual 'arms wrapped around one another, very PDA' displays Am i meant to have been with a larger number of guys before men my age will take me seriously?
Mack05 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Gisele, Let me put this in plain English. The man is a TOTAL MORON! I have no idea how someone as nice and as classy as you are, would be so hung up on a total and utter %^%^%%$!!!!!!!.... Personally (and many men will agree) I think it's real classy when a woman (and a man for that matter) only sleep with people that they have real feelings for. How many people you have been with, means absolutely nothing on how good in bed you are! All it means is that you are a mature, classly woman who knows exactly what she wants. Who will experience emotional highs in a relationship, so much more then that fool ever will. Honestly, you being hung up on this guy is the equivalent of Natalie Portman being hung up on Simon Cowell! Gisele when will you realise this guy is a total fool, a total loser and that you are SO MUCH better off with him? Your going home soon. Not only leave London behind but leave this fool behind. Instead of being jealous for them, you should be feeling sorry for them. This guy would only ever bring you down and your better then this and your better then the girl he is with. I make this promise to you now. In 2 years time you will look back at this and laugh wondering what on god's green earth did I see in this moron. In the meantime, time wasted on this fool and not on you is time wasted..
melenkurion Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Gisele, you did so well there. Also: your ex is a seriously nasty piece of work. You did the right thing breaking up with that abusive nutjob. You're dealing with the fallout of leaving an abusive relationship. It almost sounds like you're so used to having to take the blame for everything that you are still doing that to an extent. You are obviously a smart woman, and breaking up with this idiot is one of the smartest things you have ever done. It made me angry reading what he had put you through. I hope it makes you angry as well. It really will be you that has the last laugh.
Author Gisele Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 But he treats HER so beautifully how and why would he have changed? PDA, holding her hand, not ignoring her around his friends, being very affectionate in public and even over stupid things like facebook (he always said he didn't do the whole 'coupley, leaving comments on each other's walls thing) I dont want to be dramatic and say he was abusive. He was nice sometimes, would tell me i was stunning and how lucky he was. He wasn't exactly generous, he never dropped a penny on me. I remember him once reminding me how much i owed him for a drink to the exact penny. He never hit me. My self esteem took an absolute battering though. I have some nice memories, ones that really make me miss him. Some horrible ones. I remember going round to a friend's new apartment, she had just moved in and invited a small group of us around just before lunch. I was going to head over to his flat after for a late lunch, we were meant to be going to a new restaurant. When i got there she had the oven on, had cooked the 5 of us a lunch and of course i ate it, wasn't going to be that rude and refuse her food. Also, she was an incredible cook lol. i tried not to completely stuff myself though Afterwards i headed to his place, and after a kiss and small talk i jokingly said to him 'i might be eating rather lightly at this place, my friend made us all lunch and i couldn't resist some' And i have such a vivid memory of him turning to me looking disgusted and frowning and saying "...are you ****ing joking? Why the f**k did you do that, you knew we were going out, what, am i supposed to just sit there and eat while you watch or something? What the f**k is wrong with you, you couldn't wait? I TOLD YOU ive been starving all day, now i suppose you're going to say you're not hungry enough to go, what the f**k gisele seriously" It was the first time he really shocked me. I remember feeling like an idiot, saying i was really sorry and i still wanted to go. He was rolling his eyes and shaking his head, and sulked with me for the rest of the day, but cheered up towards the end and made me laugh like he always could. He's been with so many more people than me, i figured i did something more impolite and inconsiderate than i thought. Maybe he was just having a bad day. Im crying now typing all this, and i dont even know why. I rarely cry for no reason, i can usually pin-point the exact cause. He's the type that really likes to be seen and heard. He seems to be on some sort of mission to be Mr Popular in our medical school. He's funny though, very witty and very charming, and it's the reason a lot of mutual friends gravitate straight towards him, and her, because she's loud and so much older so a lot of people want to be in her good books. I felt so, so lonely after the break-up because of it He has over 1000 friends on facebook. That sort of guy. A few people absolutely can't stand him. A few of the guys he used to be friends with (lovely guys but not exactly party animals so he quickly dropped them) were once witness to him completely ignoring me all night while he chatted to them, and shouting at me for having to leave. They were so kind to me, made sure i was never left alone because i was the only girl there, talked to me about where they were from, one of their girlfriends was also a dancer and we got to talk about that. I was so embarrassed when he shouted at me for having to leave early. He told me afterwards that one of them called him out on it and i remember him saying 'wtf is his problem. He ****ing fancies you' Even after the breakup i remember a few of them saying to me how they didnt understand how he got me in the first place, that i was beautiful and was way out of his league. Im still friendly with them. I dont feel like he was abusive. The memories of normality and making me laugh outweigh the nasty times, isn't that what matters? And even when he rejected me, he said he was so insanely happy with her, and i needed to 'hurry up and get over him'. That hurt so much, but wouldnt a truly abusive guy want to keep me on a string? How could he be abusive, yet treat her so respectfully and more importantly, AFFECTIONATELY? I would have killed for the kind of public tenderness he constantly shows her. She doesnt even realise how lucky she is to get it so easily. I feel like the 2nd class, lesser option that he wasted his time with. He treats her beautifully, and she doesnt seem like the type of girl that would put up with it if he was nasty behind closed doors. He treats her well, so i must have played some part in his poor treatment of me
Recommended Posts