dangerstranger Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Just came back from a first date with someone I meant online. I was really hoping there would be some chemistry, but there wasn't any on my end. I haven't dated in such a long time, but I've decided to get back into the game. He is really nice, but it just wasn't there for me. Now I am left with the awful task of letting him down. He was gung ho before the date- and even moreso during and now...after. "I had so much fun, I'd love to go out again, you're really pretty"... I only got home an hour ago and he's texted all these things. I just feel like crap. I'd be open to being friends with him but nothing more. I think offering friendship is an insult, not to mention selfish. My room mate thinks I should go out with him one more time, but I am wondering if that would be unfair to him. She's a believer that it might take more time to develop chemistry (I don't believe it though). Before people bash me for calling him a "nice guy" and then not being interested, I am attracted to nice guys- I'm not into the bad boy image. This is simply a case of not feeling chemistry. It's weird to be texting someone for a couple weeks- and enjoying having that social outlet. I had hoped I'd feel something. What do you say to someone that you genuinely like personally, just not romantically? I know you can't avoid hurting someone's feelings in a situation like this and honesty is best. I enjoyed his company as well- just not a romantic spark. Any advice, or similar situations?
good_vibes Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I went out with a guy and was in a similar situation - started dating again after being out of it for a long time. On paper we matched very well. He seemed interesting. I wasn't that interested after the first date, same thing, wasn't feeling it, but decided to give it another try. Second date I let him kiss me at the end, even though I still wasn't really feeling any chemistry. It was OK, but nothing developed for me. I didn't go out with him again. He asked me out again but it was annoying too, because he kept asking me out for Fridays when he knew Fridays were bad for me as I have a long run on Saturdays when I'm marathon training, and so can't stay out late. So, I just said no, and when he asked me out for the next Friday, I said No again, and that pretty much ended it. I don't think the friends thing works when one person (esp the guy) is still interested.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 You can't force yourself to like the guy if you don't but.....why did you agree to go out with him in the first place? Surely you have a few things in common. I don't believe much in that initial spark or what most people call chemistry. A lot of people only go off of chemistry and before you know it they are hung up on guys that treat them like crap but stick around because of the great "chemistry" It's up to you but if there are a few core things that you guys have in common and it got you to go out with him initially - I would at least give it another shot. For some strange reason I felt the same way as you did after 4 dates with the guy I'm with now (the absolute love of my life) - I'm not saying someone has to go out on a date 4 times with someone they're not interested in (who the heck knows why I did it) but if something drew you initially there might be something there.
OliveOyl Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I felt no chemistry with my current boyfriend on our first date. In fact while he was talking I remember thinking that it wasn't going to work out. However he was pleasant, we did have things to talk about, and there were no obvious deal-breakers. I accepted a second date thinking "well at least he might be a friend." Well, chemistry did develop during the second date. At the point where he kissed me I realized there was a lot more potential. That's never happened to me before so it was surprising. I wouldn't have continue to date him had no chemistry developed at all or there were definite deal breakers present (twice my weight, etc.). I think sometimes chemistry doesn't develop right away. But if after say, 3 or 4 dates it's not there at all it probably won't develop. However there are others on this board where a slow simmer turned into a full boil later on.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 However there are others on this board where a slow simmer turned into a full boil later on. Yea that was me. I think I let it go till date 4 because I was coming out of previous dates/relationships where I was hypnotized by that "spark" but really I was just a girl with low self-esteem chasing the emotionally unavailables out there. I told myself to sit down, shut up and date a truly nice guy for once. Good move on my part!
Author dangerstranger Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 We do have a lot in common- but when you sit across from someone for 2 hours and stare them in the face, and just don't get a connection vibe, I don't see how that will change in the future. It makes it hard because as I said, I like him personally, just didn't feel romantic chemistry. My test in the past has always been- "can I see myself kissing him?" I could never see myself kissing him. We're still texting back and forth, I think he's a great person- but it feels more friendshipy to me than romantic. He is definitely in the romantic zone. I don't know what to do.
Cracker Jack Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Just be upfront with him. Sure, there's a chance that this can develop, but there's also a huge chance that it might not. Better to let him know you're not feeling it than to allow it to drag-on longer. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but some men would rather you just be honest about things like this so no false hope will develop.
Yamaha Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Tell him he's a swell guy but you don't feel a romantic connection with him. Don't offer him friendship when he feels romantic towards you. Hard, but it's the right thing to do.
Author dangerstranger Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 I felt no chemistry with my current boyfriend on our first date. In fact while he was talking I remember thinking that it wasn't going to work out. However he was pleasant, we did have things to talk about, and there were no obvious deal-breakers. I accepted a second date thinking "well at least he might be a friend." Well, chemistry did develop during the second date. At the point where he kissed me I realized there was a lot more potential. That's never happened to me before so it was surprising. I wouldn't have continue to date him had no chemistry developed at all or there were definite deal breakers present (twice my weight, etc.). I think sometimes chemistry doesn't develop right away. But if after say, 3 or 4 dates it's not there at all it probably won't develop. However there are others on this board where a slow simmer turned into a full boil later on. I don't know- he's "proper" and one of the first things he said was that he didn't like swearing or smoking. I swear when I feel like it, and smoke when I am stressed. Yea that was me. I think I let it go till date 4 because I was coming out of previous dates/relationships where I was hypnotized by that "spark" but really I was just a girl with low self-esteem chasing the emotionally unavailables out there. I told myself to sit down, shut up and date a truly nice guy for once. Good move on my part!
jstobo Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I'm with you dangerstranger. If I don't feel chemistry, I lose all interest. It's frustrating with this online thing, because you can spend a week or so chatting with someone before you actually meet them. You get your hopes up and you're instantly let down the minute you see them. I have developed chemistry with a person over time, but I was able to be in a friend zone environment. Same class, same office or same friends. But when you have to develop chemistry under the pressure of dating, I find it difficult. So if it isn't there, it isn't there. You have two choices, let him know or stop responding to his texts. Either way sucks, but you can't avoid it.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 We do have a lot in common- but when you sit across from someone for 2 hours and stare them in the face, and just don't get a connection vibe, I don't see how that will change in the future. It makes it hard because as I said, I like him personally, just didn't feel romantic chemistry. My test in the past has always been- "can I see myself kissing him?" I could never see myself kissing him. We're still texting back and forth, I think he's a great person- but it feels more friendshipy to me than romantic. He is definitely in the romantic zone. I don't know what to do. Fair enough - there's no rule you have to fall for everyone you date but just some advice since you mentioned that you were with him for two hours and noticed no connection or vibe - next time you're on a date don't focus on just that. Just be with the other person and don't put so much pressure you yourself or him.
Author dangerstranger Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Just be upfront with him. Sure, there's a chance that this can develop, but there's also a huge chance that it might not. Better to let him know you're not feeling it than to allow it to drag-on longer. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but some men would rather you just be honest about things like this so no false hope will develop. I know that, and I know how I would want to be treated- and i'd want the heads up instead of being strung along. Tell him he's a swell guy but you don't feel a romantic connection with him. Don't offer him friendship when he feels romantic towards you. Hard, but it's the right thing to do. Yeah, I agree. I was tempted to say- "Hey didn't feel the chemistry, but would love to be your friend"... But that would be an insult, and selfish on my part. I just need the right words.
Author dangerstranger Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Fair enough - there's no rule you have to fall for everyone you date but just some advice since you mentioned that you were with him for two hours and noticed no connection or vibe - next time you're on a date don't focus on just that. Just be with the other person and don't put so much pressure you yourself or him. You're probably right, it's hard not to though.
alexlakeman Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I believe in chemistry on the first date, no need to go on a second... How to let him down easy? Just don't respond to the texts or the next 1-2 calls.. He'll get the message. Are you and the others not feeling the chemistry or yes while on the phone calls? I typically can feel the chemistry on the calls with some, but with others no, then I don't bother going out with the women I had not much chemistry on the phone.. I might be missing out on something, so I am going out with one Wed that our phone convos weren't a couple hours long, etc.. We will see.
oaks Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 My test in the past has always been- "can I see myself kissing him?" I could never see myself kissing him. That's a good test, especially if the answer is "never". He might get the hint if you ignore him, but I hate it when girls do that to me because it's hard to tell at first if I'm being ignored or if she just has a busy life, so I struggle on with another text / email / phone call over the next few days and probably end up annoying her as well. Girls who have rejected me after a first date say things like "You're a nice guy but I didn't feel that there was any chemistry" or "didn't feel a connection" or "we're too different" or "you're not really what I'm looking for" or "I don't think we're looking for the same thing" or "I can't date you because I felt a stronger connection with someone else I've met"
Author dangerstranger Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 That's a good test, especially if the answer is "never". He might get the hint if you ignore him, but I hate it when girls do that to me because it's hard to tell at first if I'm being ignored or if she just has a busy life, so I struggle on with another text / email / phone call over the next few days and probably end up annoying her as well. Girls who have rejected me after a first date say things like "You're a nice guy but I didn't feel that there was any chemistry" or "didn't feel a connection" or "we're too different" or "you're not really what I'm looking for" or "I don't think we're looking for the same thing" or "I can't date you because I felt a stronger connection with someone else I've met" Oh crap, all of those things you listed are how I feel. It's not a romantic connection, I only feel him in a friendship way. I would never just disappear, I will be honest with him. We're still texting after the date, but for me, There is no romance- and for him, there is big time. It's selfish to offer friendship, and I think it gives him hope that isn't there. I don't want to hurt him. I can tell he's pretty hooked after the date- but for me I feel nothing but friendship.
SJC2008 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 What is chemistry anyway? Unless there are concrete red flags on the first date to make a decision, three dates should be plenty to make a decision whether you want to date a man/woman anymore. After that would be leading them on. I say if you are attracted to him give it another shot.
SJC2008 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Guess I should of read all the posts, if you cant see yourself kissing him then forget it.
Dusk1983 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) It's not a romantic connection What is chemistry anyway? Woman bang on about a lack of chemistry and romantic connection (romance? after a few dates?) when all they really mean is 'you don't make me wet'. Apologies for being crude but that's what it comes down to. No shame in it. Edited June 9, 2011 by Dusk1983
oaks Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) I don't want to hurt him. I can tell he's pretty hooked after the date- but for me I feel nothing but friendship. Ok, so next time he asks you out, or next time he contacts you, tell him the bad news. "it's been nice meeting you, but I don't think anything romantic is going to develop." Don't offer to be friends unless you're actually going to keep contacting and seeing him (as friends). Don't apologise unless you feel that you've misled him (and it doesn't sound like you have). Edited June 9, 2011 by oaks typo
sunshinegirl Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 OP, I sympathize with your situation but also feel that you've got to develop the cajones to be able to let a guy down, gently, directly, kindly. If it's not there for you, it's not there and that's fine. (For what it's worth, I'm also like vsmini in that I felt nothing for my H at first - the chemistry and desire to kiss him came several dates later. But I at least enjoyed talking to him from the get-go.) After one date, I think it's perfectly okay to let him know by email that you enjoyed meeting him but feel the spark isn't there. You don't have to say more than that, but I think you really do have to accept the fact that there's a lot of rejection that happens in dating, and sometimes it's the guy who doesn't like you back, and sometimes it's you who doesn't like them back. That's just the dating world. We all have to develop a bit of a thick skin to survive it. I would say the worst thing you can do in this situation is to continue to exchange texts, giving no hint that you feel differently than him, and only tell him you don't want to date when he asks you out again. He'll wonder why you 'strung him along' and may be pissed that he wasted his time. Better to rip the band-aid (nicely) and be done with it. Good luck!
Author dangerstranger Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I believe in chemistry on the first date, no need to go on a second... How to let him down easy? Just don't respond to the texts or the next 1-2 calls.. He'll get the message. Are you and the others not feeling the chemistry or yes while on the phone calls? I typically can feel the chemistry on the calls with some, but with others no, then I don't bother going out with the women I had not much chemistry on the phone.. I might be missing out on something, so I am going out with one Wed that our phone convos weren't a couple hours long, etc.. We will see. We e-mailed and texted before meeting- I dread phone calls (I get a ton of anxiety over it) I have cut back on the texting, but he'll send me 5 or 6 unanswered texts! Before we met, I told him I was just feeling out the waters with dating, that I was looking for something low pressure- but he's come on strong since day one with the over-texting.
thatone Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Oh crap, all of those things you listed are how I feel. It's not a romantic connection, I only feel him in a friendship way. I would never just disappear, I will be honest with him. We're still texting after the date, but for me, There is no romance- and for him, there is big time. It's selfish to offer friendship, and I think it gives him hope that isn't there. I don't want to hurt him. I can tell he's pretty hooked after the date- but for me I feel nothing but friendship. he'll be less hurt by honesty than being strung along with false hope. just tell him, it's always better that way.
Author dangerstranger Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Woman bang on about a lack of chemistry and romantic connection (romance? after a few dates?) when all they really mean is 'you don't make me wet'. Apologies for being crude but that's what it comes down to. No shame in it. It's not like that at all- I promise you that. I don't even think in terms of sex when I first meet someone. Ok, so next time he asks you out, or next time he contacts you, tell him the bad news. "it's been nice meeting you, but I don't think anything romantic is going to develop." Don't offer to be friends unless you're actually going to keep contacting and seeing him (as friends). Don't apologise unless you feel that you've misled him (and it doesn't sound like you have). I would be his friend, but I don't think he could do it. I've never misled him, but if I continue to text back and forth, I think it will begin to mislead him. OP, I sympathize with your situation but also feel that you've got to develop the cajones to be able to let a guy down, gently, directly, kindly. If it's not there for you, it's not there and that's fine. (For what it's worth, I'm also like vsmini in that I felt nothing for my H at first - the chemistry and desire to kiss him came several dates later. But I at least enjoyed talking to him from the get-go.) After one date, I think it's perfectly okay to let him know by email that you enjoyed meeting him but feel the spark isn't there. You don't have to say more than that, but I think you really do have to accept the fact that there's a lot of rejection that happens in dating, and sometimes it's the guy who doesn't like you back, and sometimes it's you who doesn't like them back. That's just the dating world. We all have to develop a bit of a thick skin to survive it. I would say the worst thing you can do in this situation is to continue to exchange texts, giving no hint that you feel differently than him, and only tell him you don't want to date when he asks you out again. He'll wonder why you 'strung him along' and may be pissed that he wasted his time. Better to rip the band-aid (nicely) and be done with it. Good luck! Yeah, as I said, I was on the fence about going out on another date and giving it a second try, but a lot of people advised me to give it a second date. That's my dilemma, do I give it another shot and see if something changes, in which case that will be leading him on if nothing changes on the second date, or do I go with my gut that the chemistry wasn't there in the first place and it's not worth putting either of us through a second date?
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