Mme. Chaucer Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 The answer is "yes," people often get annoyed when approached by other people whom they don't find attractive. People who are out "looking" want to find others whom they DO find attractive, and when they're approached by those whom they DO NOT, it a) puts them in the unpleasant position of having to reject b) is often experienced as an interruption, rather than a moment of promise as it would be if they found the approacher to be attractive. I don't think it's gender specific at all, though according to lots of guys here on LS, a fellow will "hit" anything with the correct body parts while many women are more selective. If that's the case, then there will be more annoyed women rejecting men they're not attracted to than vice versa. And, of course, we are socialized to have men do most of the approaching, so they would be statistically more at risk for having their approach rebuffed. Being rude about it is not appropriate - unless the rebuffed approacher won't get the politely delivered message to move on.
iris219 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Not giving me her email address at all. Really? Interesting. That's SO strange to me. The female version of your original question would be "Do men who are interested in women romantically get annoyed when the woman tries to be their friend instead?"
carhill Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) OP, the girl at the party merely checked to see if she still 'had it'. It had nothing to do with you. You presented a pleasant, if perhaps friendly, target. Remember, how she feels is her truth. This changes every second of every day. One second, you're Adonis. The next second, you're nothing. The next, she's banging her boyfriend. All are her truth, situationally. You're looking for continuity where there is none. That's what annoys her. BTDT, annoyed plenty of women, often just by being friendly. Hey, their loss. IMO, your job is to balance the significance of their existence with your own personal health. Do you feel you have done that? What would you say you've learned from your example? The female version of your original question would be "Do men who are interested in women romantically get annoyed when the woman tries to be their friend instead?" Great question, and no, my data point is I am not annoyed. Disappointed, sure. There's a difference. The other difference is what kind of a friend she's choosing to be. A supportive and caring friend or a tampon, using friend. Few of the former, many of the latter. The imbalance of power of her knowing my prior attraction probably drives the tampon scenario. Usually, I'll assert a few reasonable boundaries and they're off to the next flower, er, man. Edited June 8, 2011 by carhill
counterman Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I think some girls have been annoyed after I have approached them. There was one in particular who agreed to go on a date with me and then went on to say, in a bitchy way, "coffee is not a date" and left it at that. She was really annoyed and it made things unpleasant, since she was hitting on one of my friends as well who reciprocated. I haven't been annoyed when a girl/friend, who I wasn't attracted to, showed particular interest in me, but I have felt uncomfortable and do still feel uncomfortable at the prospect of rejecting someone.
oaks Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 The female version of your original question would be "Do men who are interested in women romantically get annoyed when the woman tries to be their friend instead?" Not annoyed, but I'm not actively looking for new friends (it's just something that happens organically through doing things, usually with other friends) so I probably won't put in the effort to become her friend (unless she's already friends with one of my groups of friends). I had a dating failure recently... tried holding her hand and she looked really uncomfortable about it so I stopped and asked her. She said we were just friends (whereas I thought we were on a date, having met her through a dating site), so I finished the date in a friendly way and told her to call me sometime (which is the sort of thing I would say to a friend). I'm not holding my breath. But... I suppose that was just her rejecting me rather than actually trying to be my friend, so probably not relevant to the question.
Author irc333 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 I had a dating failure recently... tried holding her hand and she looked really uncomfortable about it so I stopped and asked her. She said we were just friends (whereas I thought we were on a date, having met her through a dating site), so I finished the date in a friendly way and told her to call me sometime (which is the sort of thing I would say to a friend). I'm not holding my breath. But... I suppose that was just her rejecting me rather than actually trying to be my friend, so probably not relevant to the question Yes, I've discovered most women are full of it when they SAY they want to be friends, ,when they never really meant it. I went out on this "date" with a woman who had some hang up with "going out as friends" She said she was with a guy she met on POF "as friends" for 6 months, apaprently she CLAIMS she's a "slow mover". And she generally goes out with men "as friends" to see if later on if she'd date them. THough, she would not see OTHER men while during this course of action...which I found odd. Apparently, she liked spending time with him., and be ONLY with him. I said, "Well, that's actually a date." She said things didn't work out, and they're still friends now. She went out with me one time.....I agreed to the whole "friendship" spiel. After that, regardless of her "friendship" spiel....she stopped returning my calls and emails. So much for remaining "friends", she didn't even want to do that. LOL A lot of women through the "going out as a friend" as some kind of buffer, but when you call them on it, they never really meant it in the first place.
heartshaped Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I don't find it annoying when guys I find unattractive approach me as long as the male in question is respectful about it. I do find it annoying, however, when men, whether I find them attractive or otherwise, approach me in a manner that is rude or disrespectful or just plain inappropriate. I also get really annoyed when you try to politely refuse a guy and he then precedes to be a jerk.
xisnotx Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Umm..from a guys perspective.. I do find it annoying when girls (well, not approach me..I'm not that attractive lol) but show interest when I don't find them attractive or I am not looking. But, I know that they have the right to. They are just looking for what everyone else is looking for. So..if by approaching me they get closer to what they are looking for (even if it's not me) then I'm willing to let them do that. Life is hard enough..I don't think I need to make it harder.
Author irc333 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Yeah, one time I had THOUGHT what I thought was a good friend, but she was actually hesitant about introducing me to her other singles friends with a " night out on the town" by ssaying, "You can come as long as you don't hit on my firends, okay?" I said "forget that". OP, the girl at the party merely checked to see if she still 'had it'. It had nothing to do with you. You presented a pleasant, if perhaps friendly, target. Remember, how she feels is her truth. This changes every second of every day. One second, you're Adonis. The next second, you're nothing. The next, she's banging her boyfriend. All are her truth, situationally. You're looking for continuity where there is none. That's what annoys her. BTDT, annoyed plenty of women, often just by being friendly. Hey, their loss. IMO, your job is to balance the significance of their existence with your own personal health. Do you feel you have done that? What would you say you've learned from your example? Great question, and no, my data point is I am not annoyed. Disappointed, sure. There's a difference. The other difference is what kind of a friend she's choosing to be. A supportive and caring friend or a tampon, using friend. Few of the former, many of the latter. The imbalance of power of her knowing my prior attraction probably drives the tampon scenario. Usually, I'll assert a few reasonable boundaries and they're off to the next flower, er, man.
Velociraptor Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 All people (not just women) get annoyed at being approached by unattractive members of the opposite sex. Don't tell me you've never run away after being hit on by a fat girl? When girls "hit on" men they do it in such a passive manner that they are not really hitting on the guy at all. Women do not approach men and try strike up a conversation so they can't really be annoying even if they are not that attractive. Chances are if a girl hit on you, you probably wouldn't notice it because it's so subtle.
miss_28 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I wouldn't get annoyed at all if an unattractive guy approached me to strike up a conversation... but I would get annoyed if the approach was disrespectful or inappropriate or the same guy approaches over and over (and lets face it, some people refuse to hear you the first time around). I've been in a situation where I was hanging out at a lounge and a guy danced up behind me. This was a guy that was trying to hit on me earlier in the night (keep in mind, I very politely told him "I'm sorry, I'm not looking for anything, just out with some friends"). I even moved to the other side of the lounge to avoid him. Right there, inappropriate and disrespectful and yes, annoying (and he was good looking). Another time, a not-so-hot guy approached me in the subway with a funny, easy comment, and we talked the whole ride. Told him I wasn't interested in dating when he asked me out, but he was fine with it and we are still friends (he married a friend of mine). Some guys (and girls) like to imagine they are getting signs of interest when they are not. You can see it all the time. Signals are misinterpreted all the time, which is what I think happened to you, IRC. The girl that you emailed pictures to probably thought you seemed nice, but she just wasn't interested, so instead of telling you that straight out, she went with the old "I have a boyfriend" lie, in an attempt to spare your feelings or because she sensed you would take it bad if she turned you down outright. Once the lie is out there, you have to keep it up, which is why you found her on the dating site and she said the same thing. This simply means she's not into you. Emailing her on the site afterwards and calling her out on the fact she said she had a boyfriend did you no favors, BTW, just made it seem like you were still interested in her, and probably creeped her out. Also, why is it that people think that just because you agree to go on a date once from a site like POF, this means you are a couple? It's a blind date, and some people are not comfortable jumping into an exclusive relationship after one meeting (or even a couple of meetings) - it doesn't matter what the intention/purpose of the site is, a relationship is built over time and may or may not go romantic, the added pressure of dating expectations ruins everything (at least in my experience). If you don't agree with the pace of the person you are meeting/dating, then there are plenty of other fish you can try, without getting so frustrated. I know that I myself am a slow-mover, I don't jump into relationships with perfect strangers, I want to get to know them (just like I would in real life). I don't consider it dating until both parties involved consider it so.
SmileFace Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 No, why would I be annoyed? It is only human for people to be attracted to others. Should I really be mad at someone for approaching me. It is easy to let someone know you aren't interested.
callingyouuu Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 As a guy, in the case where I'm just on a night out with friends or working on something important, I can get a bit annoyed at both attractive and less attractive people. That said, I'm overall pretty understanding about it, as I get how people can't know what's going on in my head at the time. If I'm out looking to meet people and socialize, if she's interesting and can hold up my corny jokes, I would be happy to meet her! That is, unless I already have my eye on someone else in the room.
callingyouuu Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Some guys say they aren't good at reading signs, but, I promise, they are so obvious, you'd have to be delusional to not get them. I think a lot of guys are trying to convince themselves they can't tell if a woman is into them when it's painfully clear that she's not. I think as a pretty good rule of thumb, women should always assume that their man in question is delusional in communication. It's kind of like straight guys and designer handbags. Anything said, verbal or physical, goes completely over our heads unless spelled out for us in manspeak. Like we really appreciate the concrete examples you gave us before about what you do when you're attracted to someone. Other girls just expect us to know, and that's just so difficult...
TheLawmaker Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 If I said I didn't like fat pigs approaching me, would the ladies on here have a fit? Oh my, yes they would! Then why are men treated differently? Because we have a penis? That doesn't mean we're emotionless creatures.
SmileFace Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 If I said I didn't like fat pigs approaching me, would the ladies on here have a fit? Oh my, yes they would! Then why are men treated differently? Because we have a penis? That doesn't mean we're emotionless creatures. No, it is because you don't have a vagina...DUH!
Eeyore79 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I'm a polite and friendly person and would never reject someone harshly. If someone approaches me, we can have a conversation and share a joke even if I'm not attracted to him or I'm already taken. If he makes an obvious attempt to hit on me I'll politely and quietly indicate my disinterest, and will even continue our friendly conversation as long as he accepts that I'm not interested in more than that. Problems arise when a guy repeatedly hits on me after I've already made my disinterest clear, refuses to accept no for an answer, or assumes that my sociable conversation is a sign of interest when in fact it's just being friendly. This is when I start to get annoyed, and may even be a little impolite to clearly indicate that I'm not interested. I hate to be rude to anyone, but unfortunately it has to be done sometimes in order to make someone get the message that you're not interested. I can understand why some guys keep trying their luck - I guess they've already been rejected by a number of girls, and they assume that I must have some kind of interest in them because I'm polite and friendly and haven't just told them to get lost. I don't want to be rude to anyone, but am I giving guys false hope by speaking to them politely and having a friendly conversation even if I'm not interested in them? Should I be more of a bitch and simply give a huge f-off signal to anyone I'm not attracted to?
TheLawmaker Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 No, it is because you don't have a vagina...DUH! You can buy artificial vaginas, called fleshlights. I hear they're pretty good.
ConfusedGuy28 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 not sure why either sex would be annoyed. If anything, it should be flattering that another human being hit on you. I'm a straight guy, and I've been hit on by gay guys. Was I "appalled"? Of course not. Have unattractive women (imo) approached me? Sure. So what. If your self-esteem is that small that you think an "ugly" person hits on you means you yourself are "ugly" - then wow, I'd seriously consider going to talk to someone
Velociraptor Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 If I said I didn't like fat pigs approaching me, would the ladies on here have a fit? Oh my, yes they would! Then why are men treated differently? Because we have a penis? That doesn't mean we're emotionless creatures. The thing is, women(even fat unattractive ones) or fat pigs as you call them do not approach men. So you dont have to worry about it.
lovelydemon Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I think that a lot of that annoyance arises from the fact that when somebody unattractive approaches us we tend to think like this: "does this out of shape, 20-years-older-than-me guy really think I'm a good match for him? I'm young and have an athletic body" After a couple of such approaches this thought becomes a nag: "how come I only get approached by 50-something-year-old guys and I'm not even in my thirties?! Does it mean I'm not attractive to guys my age/level of attractiveness?" When people get approached by unattractives a lot, it makes them doubt their market value and and nobody likes that.
Janesays Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Depends on how good his personality is. I've met plenty of guys who I wasn't initially attracted to AT FIRST, but got really hot for them after getting to know them a bit.
motive2002 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 This is one of the reasons why most guys are afraid to approach women. Most just assume she'll be annoyed at their approach or annoyed at the fact that it's not someone she's attracted to doing the approaching. You never know how she's going to react. Not that it's a legitimate excuse to never try, but damn... This statement makes sense, but let me ask you this.. when ISN'T a woman annoyed by something? Don't let the fact that they "might be annoyed" keep you from approaching. Put in a different perspective, what if we all took that attitude and NO man approached a woman? That would mean THEY would have to do the approaching for a change, and we can't have that, right? So women will just have to suck it up and be annoyed, or approach men they ARE attracted to themselves. Just my opinions HAHA
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 That SNL skit on sexual harrasment with Tom brady. I read the topic and this is exactly what came to mind. If a guy has something women want like wealth, power, or looks... they don't have to play by the same rules as other guys. It's just a fact of life.
Cracker Jack Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 This statement makes sense, but let me ask you this.. when ISN'T a woman annoyed by something? Don't let the fact that they "might be annoyed" keep you from approaching. Put in a different perspective, what if we all took that attitude and NO man approached a woman? That would mean THEY would have to do the approaching for a change, and we can't have that, right? So women will just have to suck it up and be annoyed, or approach men they ARE attracted to themselves. Just my opinions HAHA Yeah, I agree with you. I've used the "I'm scared to approach her because she might be annoyed by it, think I'm creepy, or think I'm wasting her time" excuse for about as long as I can remember. I know if I was to approach a woman, I wouldn't be disrespectful to her, or continue to talk to her if she clearly showed she didn't want to be bothered. Gotta stop making excuses.
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