AscottW Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 *I apologize this entry is so long. There is a lot to explain.* It's been 19 days since the breakup...I'm trying to get a new job and am still trying to rebuild myself. The story: I'm a 22 year old man and was in a committed relationship for over three years with another man. I was completely invested emotionally in this relationship. I feel as if I gave my whole entire heart to him. I'm trying not to sound cheesy. But, that's the only way I can explain it. After three years, I was told I made him feel smothered. He got tired of having to "clear everything" with me. He didn't want to "plan anything" anymore. I don't really feel that was honest because I really don't feel I was doing any of this. I think it was a cop-out for something else. Along with this was a revelation that he was "lying to me for the past year." What doesn't make sense with his explanation of why he wanted to leave, is the plans he was making mere weeks before the breakup. He wanted to have our own private marriage ceremony. He got approved for a house loan, we were going to move into a house together, and was saying how he wanted to build a future and a family with me. (We lived together for over two years.) Then a few weeks went by and out of nowhere he went out with friends after work, got drunk, turned his phone off, and spent the night at another single gay man's house (some 19 year old kid fresh out of high school he was hanging out with for a couple months before he dumped me.) We had a combined family plan cell phone. Around the same time, he decided to get his own plan and asked me to get on my own as well. We were sharing a vehicle in order to save on gas. His small car was far more economic than my old pickup truck. Around the same time all of this happened he said he wanted me to start using my truck again. Then, closer to the end, he started to kiss me differently and he stopped having an interest in sex. Then it happened, the morning after he got drunk at this guys house, he came to pick me up at my parents. I was freaking out big time because he never did anything like this before in our whole relationship. I was worried almost beyond control. When he picked me up, he handed me a note that said that he stopped loving me "a year ago." He started to feel smothered and controlled. This means he was making marriage plans and future plans and house plans with me even while he was supposedly "out of love." Now, towards the beginning of the relationship, I had major trust issues and tended to be a little controlling. But, he and I talked it out for a while. He was patient with me as I was patient with his mommy/daddy issues (they didn't appreciate him being gay and my family welcomed him into the fold.) But, I slowly learned to trust again and was doing very well. He even complimented on how much I changed for the better. In fact, he made sure to let me know several times. In the end, I think he was either cheating physically or emotionally with this 19 year old kid fresh out of the closet. I think that maybe this kid gave him the "freedom" and spontaneity I think he wanted. What makes me think he was physically cheating is that his kisses changed dramatically. Not only his kisses, but his general behavior changed drastically as well. He started drinking alcohol a lot more often, all of a sudden wanted to go out with friends just about every night of the week and became emotionally distant and cold. This all happened just shortly after he made marriage plans with me. It's to the point where I'm seriously considering getting tested because I'm worried that he was screwing around. I don't have any symptoms of anything. But, the thought is simply adding insult to injury. This destroyed me in a way I could never imagine. Part of me feels I've wasted the last three and half years of my life with a total stranger. Part of me desperately wants him back. Part of me feels betrayed because I honestly think he was cheating on me. Part of me is angry because I gave my heart and he acted so cold and distant. Another part of me is hopeful that there is a decent man out there who wouldn't up-and-decide to get rid of me in favor of being able to "live the single life." That same part of me is excited to have someone in my arms again. That's been my biggest desire even when I was in high school; to find that one man I can spend the rest of my life with. Again, I'm not trying to sound like a Hallmark card, but I can't explain it any other way. I'm just an emotional mess right now. I go through moments of hope and opposite moments of complete pain. The Question: Am I right for suspecting something foul was going on? And how do I keep from becoming clinically depressed over this? I've built everything I could on this relationship and now the carpet was ripped out from under me. Any advice would really help. I have a supportive family and they've been a great deal of help. But, I just don't seem to be really getting over this and they have exhausted everything they had over the past two weeks.
sun_moon Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Like you, I have HUGE trust issues, and I still do. Till this day, I suspect that somehow he probably cheated on me. My ex also felt like I was too much, because I could never really trust him. I dont want to get into my story right now because I'm ok and functional at the moment, but I can tell you that I can definitely relate. You spent a long time with this man, he completely shocked you and let you down. I totally understand where you are coming from and feeling. If you are quite anxious, and still in panic, and shock, I'm guessing you are, I would strongly recommend getting tested, just for the sake of your peace of mind. Do yourself a favor and dont get tested on a Friday, that way, you arent in sitting and waiting mode dying of anxiety and killing yourself with what if situations. Get tested during the week, tomorrow, if possible, that way you can be occupied with work (if you work or go to school) and time will go faster. You will eventually reach a point, after your done crying, after your done living the shock, and you will disgustingly accept the horrible situation that was dealt to you. You will eventually see that this man's deceptions and lies are a big blessing in the long run, for you will be better off with out a lying JACKASS who takes you for granted. LOL hope I"m not projecting (maybe a lil bit) You will be available to a man who wants a loving devoted relationship that wont feel smothered, etc. I believe that we all feel depression because we have just lost a loved one, and it is s grieving process. What I do recommend to you is not to live in denial or avoid it. Understand that it will take time but it is a painful journey and in the end you will have love, you will love yourself more. Ok now I sound like a Hallmark card. At the same time, don't be the victim, don't give up. Yes, you were wronged, yes you feel betrayed and you are devastated, but don't give up hope (give up hope between you 2 though), don't give up fighting for happiness, and don't give up on yourself. I don't respect lairs, and I definitely don't respect cheaters. You deserve so much better than what he has done, and when you get to your anger phase, you will be thinking it and screaming it all at the same time Of course you are going to have parts of you that feel this and that, and they are all conflicting with one another. Know this, just like it took time to build your relationship and to stay together, it will take time to unravel the intimate and loving feelings you have. So dont beat yourself up if you feel week, just dont go to him for that comfort, you will get pain instead. Just stay away from him, he's been cruel and dishonest. What was hardest for me and still is, is the routine of the dynamic I had with him that is now gone. No more calling or texting, no more good morning and good night, no more calling on the way home from work. No more dates, no more sharing great moments in life and talking to him about not so great moments. Can you tell I'm extremely lonely? Still love the bastard, but one day it will disappear,I know it. Just remember this, he will only offer you pain not comfort, so when week, dial a friend, and lastly, COME TO LOVESHACK, we are your new support community. You will get through this, you will see.
Nohbody Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 The real hard thing is when you invest too much energy into another person (I'm guilty of that, big time) and come to rely on them for emotional stability and/or happiness and then, as you put it, the rug gets pulled out from under you. As difficult as this is right now, you need to focus on what you can control, and that's you. There are tons of good resources in this forum for helping you along on the healing process - but you have to tackle your own demons in order to grow as a person. Your trust issues need to be resolved so that you can be in a healthy relationship (the foundation of which is... trust!) at some point in the future when you are ready. What he's done to you is not fair, but that's life - I'm sorry to say. Right or wrong makes no difference now - his conduct reflects on him, but does not reflect you. I would encourage you to get tested if you have any concern whatsoever. Make sure you are using your support system and dealing with your feelings (feeling them and understanding why you are feeling them), exercise, all that jazz. Initiate No Contact if you have not already. Good luck to you. As hard as it is to imagine, you will begin to feel better - but you have to want to. Make the conscious effort.
Author AscottW Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Thank you guys for your support! I keep getting told by my family that I will eventually get over this. It will only take time. Is that really true? I felt such a deep connection with him on such a fundamental level, that I'm afraid I'll never find that type of deep connection in another man. I absolutely fear seeing him (even three weeks later) in public. I will probably have to get a job at the same place he works because no one else is hiring. I had to move back in with my parents. But, I want to get back out on my own. I feel as if I need to prove to any dates I have, that I'm competent, that there's a good reason why they should love me. Everyone is telling me "You have to learn to be happy with yourself." But, the fact of the matter is, I want to be loved. I want to be able to loose myself in my partners eyes, cuddle on the couch together, to be told "I Love You" and know that two years later he won't up and leave. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know if it's possible for me to really be "Happy with only myself." I can improve my self-esteem. But, in the end, I think I'll always want someone to love me and hold me. Is that really wrong or pathetic?
lovesickmonkey Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Your story is so much like mine that it was a comfort. My girlfriend and I had just gotten engaged and were discussing marriage plans. We had been together nearly two years. We did everything together, literally. Then comes a few nights where she stays out with her friends, comes home drunk, won't kiss me, etc. Then she ends it cold. When I pushed her for a reason, she gave me: "I'm not even attracted to you. If we stayed together I would only end up cheating on you." It was a stunning and nonsensical thing to say, yet it was exquisitely painful. Getting punched in the face by someone you love more than yourself. How does someone stay with someone so long and make marriage plans and then say they weren't even attracted to you? I feel that getting closure for myself is going to be all the more difficult because of the childish way she went about discarding me. I agree with you. I want to love someone else with everything I've got. I don't want to spend too much time wondering if I love myself enough. But it looks like I'm going to have to do a lot of self-loving to move on from this.
sun_moon Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 AscottW, It has to hurt before it gets better. It sucks I know, I am so desperate for the pain to stop, I wish it all the time. In my mind I tell myself, just be ok, of course that doesn't work. You just have to live through the sadness until it gets better slowly, it will, you will see. You are still in the shock and devastation. While the depression doesnt disappear, the shock will wear off and it will get easier as you accept your situation day by day. I fear facing him too. There is no shame in moving back to your parents, it will be good for you actually. You need to constantly be around people, it helps your coping an you don't feel so alone. Dont get a job where he works, bad idea. This situation will only lead to torture and extended healing. BTW, we all want to feel loved and be held. You will get it again when your ready. I promise you this, you will be better off and more emotionally equipped when you do meet someone, instead of carrying around some baggage and and not improving yourself. You do eventually get over it but you
sun_moon Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 lol sorry AscottW as you can see, I fell asleep while I typed this lol what I was trying to say in the end was: you do eventually get over it but you have to go through the grieving process.
PelicanPete Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 If you are too distant from someone and never let them in, the relationship doesn't work due to too much independence. However if you become too close to someone, it equally drives the relationship to failure due to lack of independence. If you got too close to this guy and started to use that relationship with him as a way of identifying who you are, the only way you're ever going to get over him is by changing. Note his behavior, maybe he didn't like his life, so he started to change into a different person which somewhat telegraphed the break up. He was projecting how he was feeling through his behavior - he was either feeling you were too distant, or you were too close to him. He started drinking heavily to mirror his new 19 year old partner, because he was in the middle of trying to become someone different. At the same time, there were still glimpses of who he was around you with the whole long term plans, because he was still unsure of himself. He started kissing you different because he was changing from the person you once knew him as. Once he felt confident enough in himself, he dropped the bomb on you and basically left you to deal with the mess. This isn't all your fault. It's easy to get sucked into relationships, and it takes both partners to allow it to come to this. Lack of proper communication is a major relationship killer. It killed mine, but I got over it because I chose to change for the better. You need to change from the person you are now in order to get over this. If you stay the same person you are now, with the same feelings, ideas, thoughts and perceptions you're never going to get over this. Thought determines action, but action also determines thought. Takes strides into becoming the person you've always wanted to be. The more you grow, the more distant your relationship will become, and with time you'll be looking back at your relationship with the same mentality as a childhood memory. Until your ready to grow, get all of this negativity and heart ache out of your system. Write it out, post on LS, cry yourself to sleep, anything that productively makes you feel better. You're mourning the loss of your relationship that is still very much a reality. I'm sorry your in pain, but what does not kill you makes you stronger. You will get over it in time as long as you allow yourself to.
Recommended Posts