heyits Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Sorry it's so much. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 years, we knew each other in high school (I'm 19 and he's 20) and both had feelings for each other then but he chose another girl. He and her were together for 2 years, but broke up a few times in that time. She cheated on him, but he forgave her, he cheated on her too after he found out and he did it to get back at her (he was 17). They were together for a bit longer until she left him. A few months later he and I started hooking up, we did this for about a month, until he asked me out. We had been together for about 2 months, when he started to text his ex, I told him it made me uncomfortable, and he stopped, or so he told me. Every few months for the last two years I have found text messages on his phone from her, or emails. He told me each time that he would stop, but obviously didn't. The messages weren't anything bad, but I feel insecure about his ex as he chose her over me in high school, and I thought he understood that. He and I had a big fight, and I told him he has to stop talking to her because it drives me insane. He said yes and I thought he finally got it, but I found emails from her again, and almost left him. It wasn't just that he was talking to her, but that he kept lying to me about it. He finally deleted her from all aspects of his life, and I finally felt better. He had used my phone on Facebook and didn't log out, when I opened Facebook it was on his messages, he was messaging a girl who lives in another town, and the contents of the message were upsetting, there wasn't anything explicit but it was obvious that she had feelings for him and he was responding. When I confronted him about it he said the guys he works with put him up to it as a joke on the girl, because she clearly wanted him. He just started working with these guys and wanted to be friends. He said he has no feelings for her at all, he told her that it was a joke and she was obviously upset. He deleted her off Facebook. I believe that he didn't have feelings for her. I have an anxiety disorder though, and still get upset sometimes, and he and I had huge talk about it. He told me when we first started going out he wasn't completely over his ex until about a month into our relationships, and that they were friends, and when he would message her it was because he missed talking to her (that there were only friend feelings between them). We have both deleted Facebook, so I don't worry about who is messaging him, (there were too many girls for my liking). He says he asked me out before he was over his ex because he didn't want to risk losing me. He says he loves me more than anything, and when I get upset over everything that happened he gets very upset because he is so angry at himself for what he did to me. I can see how much it hurts him when it is brought up. He doesn't mind when I ask who he texts because he knows I am still very wary. And he doesn't text any girls anymore, because I worry too much. And when I get scared about him cheating he tells me it is my anxiety making me paranoid, which could be true because lately I haven't been taking my medication. Was this emotional cheating on his part? I feel like he didn't respect me for the majority of our relationship. I love him but sometimes find it hard to get over...
Miko Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Lot of people would say so, but sometimes people do things like that bc they're scared early on and want to hold on a little to the ex. It's not "right" but it's how he felt probably but couldn't tell you that. Maybe he thought it was no big deal and you were worrying about nothing so to him, no "real" reason to stop but also a good reason to hide it from you. I caught my new gf txting her ex and got pretty pissed, but I was the one who snooped through her phone, and the truth is that I was doing the exact same thing!!! Funny how that works. It sounds like he understands now and has stopped it which is very good, and maybe as of rt now it is your anxiety talking. Sometimes when you're upset you have to force yourself to think logic, or at least consider that you just feel that way bc it's simply chemicals in your brain and you need to tough it out for a while. And as far as anxiety, have you ever tried kava? I'm not big on rx drugs but this stuff is natural and seems to work similarly to xanax and sure seems to help if you're having an attack, as with anything, don't over do it though.
ConfusedGuy28 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Well - the first ex thing I can understand since they were together for awhile. (Understand doesn't = condone, btw). For this other girl as playing a "joke" on her - not sure I by that. That's retarded imo. You should tell him if he really loves you, he should be removing himself from these situations and be able to understand that things he does can hurt you. I don't know - sounds like he should be trying to prove he's trustworthy, rather than just keep saying it, and messing up time after time it seems (whether you have anxiety or not - you're reasoning and feelings are sound)
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