GXY3 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Hi ..I posted this under another thread but thought I'd do it here as well since I am pondering the idea of breaking up. Let me start off by saying that I have few regrets in life and I try to learn from experience rather than be sorry for what has happened. I realize now that maybe I should have waited longer to live together with my girlfriend. I love her dearly and I know that we are not married but I am tormented by what happened early in our relationship. I don't trust her... I am trying to. We have lived together for the past year. However, I am a man I feel a bit emasculated by her disrespect. I met "Melanie" on-line about a year and half ago. I think she searched a keyword that matched something in my profile and viewed me. I saw that she did that so I viewed her, I thought she was pretty and sounded nice but she lived kind of far away so I did not give it another thought. Then later when I saw that she had viewed me again I figured what the heck so I emailed her. She replied relatively quickly. It seemed we were able to talk email wise right away. We talked about the basics but then we started right into things about one another’s lives--what we want, what we’ve done, where we’ve been, who we've met and all that. We seem to hit it off more with each email becoming longer and more detailed. It was awesome like many new relationships, we could not get enough of one another. After a week of that we then went to talking on the phone. That was great too. We talked and talked, texted and emailed. We seemed to connect. She and I had so much in common we could spend hours on the phone. Finally after three weeks we met in person. Wow, it seemed right…right from the start. She was beautiful, smart and wonderful and I believed she thought a lot of me as well. She lived about 2 ½ hours away from me, but we agreed that we should start to date and see one another exclusively. We also agreed that if we became physical that would mean only one partner and that's it—exclusivity. Things were going very well, it became physical after three weeks. Then after about two months of seeing one another almost every weekend and talking and texting on the phone several times a day, we decided that it was time to meet one another’s families. I have three kids from a previous marriage and she has two kids from two previous men including one marriage. We all met at dinner and it seemed to go well. I also met her parents around this time and all seemed right. We were in love (or at least I was). No one else existed to me except for her. We lived far apart, but she consumed my being. I fell hard for her. I tried to play it kind of cool by saying that relationships come and go and that I was smart enough to know that things may or may not last, but I knew deep within that I was putty in her hands. We seemed to want the same things. We talked openly (so I thought) about being together one day. So, we agreed that we should look into the possibilities of living together. It was a fast moving train, and I wanted on...everything seemed so right even though there were some red flags I ignored. I agreed that I could accommodate her and her two kids at my home, so I started down the path of home renovation; we even went so far as to talk about our the future including marriage and another child perhaps?? The home renovations were not small tasks and to get them done by the beginning of summer I worked tirelessly myself and with the contractor to obtain the permits and get the space finished in time. While my house renovations were underway we saw each other each weekend and talked/emailed/texted daily. She stayed in her home 2 ½ hours away but I would go visit her and she would bring her kids and visit me until it was time to move in with me. Finally, after two months of working to get the new space built, she and her kids moved in. It was great. She moved in and all was well until that one fateful day about a month into our living together-- I found pictures of a man on her computer when I was helping her son with a game that would not load properly. Many of the pictures appeared in her Recent Documents. They were pictures of the same man visiting different places. Nothing racy, just him touring around, but they were all of this man--all the shots seemed to be intimate, like taken from a camera phone or a camera close up--usually him smiling. Some of the shots were taken of him by someone else in touristy places. Many were nice photographs of places too. At first she denied any meaning to them and said that she was looking at pictures to delete, however, these pictures of this guy were not deleted, rather saved in Picasso under his name--many, many of them. She said he was a "friend"; --later this turned into a man that she said she had a relationship with that became a "friend" . Red flags were hoisted in my mind. We'll call him "picture guy". Now Melanie had told me about picture guy at the beginning of our relationship but she said that he was gone out of her life and she had not seen him in months. She may had even said a year. I asked her again to elaborate about the pictures and she denied any wrong doing. I let it lie. I was bothered slightly, but nothing really registered so much. Then a few days later I walked into the hallway of our home, when she seemed startled holding her cell phone, I asked her what she was doing and she said texting her sister. I asked to see the phone and then she said no. This raised my suspicions. I respect privacy, but I really started to think she was hiding things from me. Sometime shortly after this I mentioned that I was a bit suspicious so I asked if she would login into her email so we could look at it together. At first she said no, but then agreed. Immediately it was evident that she was uncomfortable. At that point our relationship was never the same, in her account were daily emails to and from her to this "friend" (picture guy) who after she confessed was really her on-again off-again love interest. My heart sank and I had a lump in my gut. She gave me permission to go through the emails, every gut wrenching one. I don't know why she said it was ok to go through them, but she allowed me to. The emails were about love and how much she loved him and missed him and couldn’t wait to be with him sometime again. They talked about hopes and dreams of one another. Some of them had intimate pictures of her, naked and in various stages of undress. I was devastated. The emails were continuously from about the time shortly after we met until a month after she moved in with me (time of discovery). One of the emails was a receipt for a gift she sent to him with the card attached "I will love you all of my life.." written in Italian sent to him about 3 weeks before she moved in with me. These were not light words, they were emotion filled, true love, expressions of real feelings. Even with the photos, none of the textual matter seemed to be too sexual in nature, rather they mostly her feelings for him. I found out that therere were many texts stating similar feelings to him as well. I did not know what to do. Here I was, just moved this woman I met on the internet into my house with her two kids -- I was in shock. Even though our relationship was new and young it was painful none the less and this had already zapped the innocence of new love like a lightning bolt severs a sprouting sapling trunk. She said that this all happened when she changed her status on facebook to "in a relationship". She said he immediately contacted her to ask about the situation and that's how she started back with him. To that point, I had made it clear that I always wanted honesty and that I wanted her and I to be able to talk about anything, no matter how hard it was. She agreed. She said nothing happened between them after we met, just emails, texts and a few calls. I did not believe her although I tried to. I asked her if she meant it when she wrote that she wanted to be with him and she said no. Again the red flags flying high in my mind. I asked her to never contact him again and she showed me the email she sent to him telling him that it was over between them and that she did not wish to communicate with him any longer. She then showed me his response. It seemed legitimate. After some time I agreed we could see what happens and try to work it out. I demanded that there be zero contact with him!!! I was going to try to forgive and begin re-building our short relationship I need to say that she is a habitual liar. She tells white lies and lies that do not mean much, rather she would almost lie for the sake of lying. She said she has struggled with this all of her life--needing to embellish or not be truthful. For example, during our months apart in the beginning, she would like to go out with her girlfriends at night and not tell me about it. She thought it was ok to get a babysitter and then go out to dance with her friends. She would tell me that she was going to dinner or play a game at a friend's. Sometimes, we would be on the phone until 10 or 11 at night together and then she would proceed to go out after our call. She knew my belief that rarely does anything good come from a person in a committed relationship going to a club with friends after 10 p.m. It's just is asking for trouble. I have been around the world and I know what men think late at night, in a club, after drinks... period. Anyway, she would tell me half truths and partial stories. I did not want to appear controlling or overbearing, but the more I got to know her the less I found myself able to believe her. Although my heart was in it 100% , my head was not. After several months, I became suspicious of her story about the picture guy again. You know how if you analyze something and think about all of the circumstances and what was happening at that time you can get to the truth. Just like an investigator might do. So I confronted her on it. It was an instinct I had that made me think a lot of what she told me did not add up (trust your instincts). We went out to eat one day and I looked into her eyes and said "tell me the truth, did you see him after we met?" She said she did not want to talk about it. I asked her again, and again. Finally, she confessed that yes, she had been out with him four times to lunch and other meetings at her house/his house to review pictures (a hobby--photography) while we were living apart. I was again devastated. I felt like crying or yelling or something right there in the restaurant. My heart raced and I felt ill. My stomach felt as if it received the business end of shovel. She assured me nothing happened. This after she assured me there was nothing beyond electronic communications previously. Melanie told me that she loved me but was confused about us. She said that at the time she was not quite sure she wanted to move away with me. She told me that she was trying to make him jealous, which makes no sense. I was contemplating our relationship and I pushed this matter with her for quite awhile because I could tell she was not being up front with me. Finally, after much discussion, she admitted to being with him physically (sex) once since we met. Again, my heart-- slam dunked. So, after this I had to the know details of what happened. She shared some like the fact that they did not have intercourse rather it involved mutual stimulation. I was sick. I wanted to leave her at that moment. In such a short time I loved her so much, I was surprised how much it hurt me..but it did a lot!! We talked about it some more and I probed for the truth, she was steadfast in her story for months up until recently. When again, after months of pondering on this issue, stuff just did not add up. I asked her one more time, was there anything else she was not telling me. She said that there was nothing left, she had told me EVERYTHING. Well I did not accept this answer. Instinct told me other wise so, I kept on seeking the truth, relentlessly, almost obsessively through conversations and discussion. Finally, the truth seeped out and she admitted that yes, she was intimate with him. She did it 7 times while we lived apart. She said she would meet him during lunch hours and on her days off during the day while her kids were in school to give him oral sex and kiss him and other things but no intercourse. For some reason they could not complete the act. She said they did that once when she first met him. I still have a hard time believing this. But it does not matter, damage done. My broken heart was beginning to shatter at this point. She went on to tell me that she truly loved him but he did not love her the same way. She said she never had so much chemistry with a person and that he was beautiful. She said she has never been so physically attracted to someone as she was to him. She even told me that he had the largest penis of any man she'd ever been with. Well, with that information and my ego, heart and soul pulverized, my stubborn desire for the truth said "press-on". I am not small by any means but I felt terrible, but I wanted honesty...and I was getting it, at least in part. She told me that they never really were committed to one another. She said she had strong feelings for him, and he did not so much for her. They were on and off for months. Now, today, she says that it was a major mistake and that she regrets it terribly. She loves me now and no one else. When I ask her why this happened she still says that before she moved in with me she was confused and unsure about us. The funny thing is though, when I go back and look at our texts and emails from the beginning and when I remember our conversations from early on, they all seem to point to her commitment to me, one even said that she could not wait to live with me. She said she continued this relationship with him because she did not want to be hurt again by another man as she’d been hurt in past relationships. Something I don’t get. I asked her why she continued to communicate with him after moving in with me and she said she wanted to hurt him-- I don’t get that either???…somehow make him jealous on what he lost out on? But I don't believe it because buried in our conversations has been the fact that she loved this man and wanted to be with him. She said she would not have moved two and half hours away to a strange town with me if he would have been willing to commit to her. I feel like I am her Plan B. I think she had this relationship with me while working him in the hopes of getting him to commit and then she could stay in her town with him--the man she really loved. By the way I did not mention that her house was getting foreclosed on and she did not tell me this, she said that her ex-husband was taking over the house when she moved out. So now, looking back I was a man who could provide her and her kids somewhere to live, stability and solvency but he was a man that she loved -- but he did not want her the same way--he never even met her kids. I chose to try to forgive and I decided that we should stay together. I once again asked that she never contact him again, she assured me that she had not since that email. Then a couple of months ago, I discovered that she texted him again. I saw a number on the phone bill that I questioned her on. She said she did not know whose it was. I called the number and it went to a voicemail that had not been activated. I went on-line and discovered the number belonged to some guy I did not know. I asked her again and again about it and she even went so far as to text the number in front of me asking who this number belonged to. Which as it turned out was a charade. Here I was, I had this strange name and number from the same town as where Melanie lived that did not match picture guy's. So I thought. Was she having another relationship with someone else? My imagination was working overtime. I was consumed with distrust and worry. But I was also resolved to the fact that I will find out the truth. So, after some investigation and through much discussion I found out that the number did indeed belong to picture guy! The on-line information had his cell phone tied to someone else by mistake? Anyway, slammo to me!! She said that the texts were nothing and that she was just offering her condolences about a death in his family that she heard about through her friend. She said it was to say sorry about the death and that was it. I went into the phone records and saw that there was an exchange of six texts to/from his number, she said it was just all about the death and nothing else. I re-iterated to her, that if she wants to be with me there must be zero, ZERO contact with him. I said we'd be done if she ever did it again. She agreed. We have kids (my 3 and her 2) so a lot of our time we act and interact happily, but her and I both know what's brewing under the surface. The famlies are bonding in the past year. We all have become attached. I love her kids and I think she loves mine, but I still struggle with these events so mightily. She helps me with my kids--she is good with them for the most part, she works, helps around the house, helps with shopping, sports and I do help with her kids as well. Our families are blending, even though we have issues, the blending is happening. The longer the blending occurs, the harder it will be to break it off...We certainly argue a lot and despite that, when things are good they are very good at times. When things go bad I remember the worst. I remember picture guy. Recently we had a date night where we went out to a very nice dinner but it was ruined by the end of the night because we, or more accurately, I brought up the past. Sometimes it seems so unfair to her as well, I should just forgive it and move on right? I know I really want to but so far I cannot. She still supposedly wants to get married, she has apologized numerous times, she has said that she is truly sorry. She says that regrets telling me what she has but I admire the fact that she told the truth, albeit late and probably not whole. I am skeptical but I do love her so. Weird how the heart wants what the head doesn't. As I said, she does have an issue as a perpetual liar and I am not sure how to handle that. We have been up and down like the proveribial rollercoaster, my emotions get the best of me sometimes and I will want to talk about it and it brings us back again. I am really having a hard time forgiving these past indiscretions. Sometimes, she gets really mad because I bring it up and she says that I just want to "rub her nose in it" and that I should get over it. Since the "condolences" texts there have been no indications of anything else going on. However, I am not naive enough to believe that if she wanted to contact him without me knowing she could using another email account or some pay-per-use cell phone/card or something. I now watch her closely and monitor her behaivor. This I know is not healthy. Sometimes I think she meets him or I also get suspicious about her at work, even whether she is seeing someone else. Our trust is shot!! I am exhausted worrying about this. I am now at a point where I need to decide to continue or should I break it off. Should I just get over it and trust her or are there underlying systemic issues that I should be concerned with here? Is it once a cheater always a cheater or forgive and forget—are people are good? Do people change? I don't expect to solve it with input solicited here, rather just get opinions thanks for reading my relationship tale of woe It seems to be theraputic just writing about it.
sun_moon Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Oh dear! Its definitely time to break it off. You have officially scared me even farther away from online dating...lol I dont want to sound harsh, but more of the objective bystander watching the train come to a crash. I never fully trusted my ex, and finally, after much being taken for granted, after many fights, after dealing with his temper and too much of his immaturity, I HAD ENOUGH...it doesnt mean I dont love him, I mean, look at me, I was the dumper, and I'm on LS trying to move on and heal. He wasnt worth it, I was putting in all the effort and not getting 100% back from him, compounded with me not trusting him, after enough tears and fights, I pulled the trigger and it was VERY difficult. Hell I even wanted him back. My mind kept wondering, my gut never let go, and after too much of never really knowing, I decided, it is not worth it. I dont trust this man, and the truth of the matter is, he's really not helping the situation with his: immaturity, bad phone habits, flakiness, temper, etc.... Man, as long as your post was, I get it. Its not fathomable to have a healthy relationship and a functional one building up to marriage WITHOUT TRUST, you are kidding yourself, and yes, you are not thinking with your mind, but feeling with your heart, and she is completely and utterly taking advantage of it, she is exploiting your kind nature. You must tell yourself this, do I know my worth? Does she? I deserve better than to be second best, I deserve better than plan B. I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I'M NUMBER ONE IN HER LIFE, WHERE I AM THE ONE DESIRED, NOT HER WET BLANKET. I dont know when you will break up with her, but I will tell you this, everyone has their breaking point, and I'm quite shocked you havent reached it yet. Leave her before she takes even more away from you. You have shared your home, your precious time, and most importantly your beautiful children, how dare her lie over and over to you knowing you've put everything on the line. And no the answer is no, you cannot change a pathological liar. Also my ex, he is in so much denial about so many aspects of his life, I'm starting to believe he believes his own lies and BULL****. I cant believe this woman went into so much detail, Its got to be the dumbest thing she's ever done. I cant believe your pressed her on so many things, once you've known her infidelity, knowing the details of their intimacy is just down right masochistic. If you hang out here long enough, you will realize what she has done to you, and it seams intentional. Forgive me for my forwardness, but this woman has pissed me off. I believe she's used you as a rebound for the 'picture guy' that no longer wants her. Its like a domino affect, this guy emotionally scars her and she passes the buck to harmless innocent bystander looking for genuine relationship and love. Let this be a warning to all who are rebounding out there, the new third party has feelings, do not treat them like dirt. Urg, I'm so angry for you to the point where I want to call her names. Kick her out of your home, you will never get 100% from a broken unhealed person. She's not over him and that is her problem and now she made it yours. That's not even considering her infidelity issues, lies, and deceit.
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I just wanted to compliment the OP on the clever title of the thread -- made it sound like the novel he wrote was actually about penis size and kept me reading to the very end looking for the penis story that didn't exist.
Author GXY3 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Did not mean to mislead the readers of this post...just that I wondered sometimes whether or not she went with "Picture guy" bc he had a big penis? I thought that perhaps she was enanmoured with him because of this although according to her he could not use it. Anyway, I wonder if her behavior was somehow attributable to penis size. That's why I have it first in the title.
Author GXY3 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Oh dear! Its definitely time to break it off. You have officially scared me even farther away from online dating...lol I dont want to sound harsh, but more of the objective bystander watching the train come to a crash. I never fully trusted my ex, and finally, after much being taken for granted, after many fights, after dealing with his temper and too much of his immaturity, I HAD ENOUGH...it doesnt mean I dont love him, I mean, look at me, I was the dumper, and I'm on LS trying to move on and heal. He wasnt worth it, I was putting in all the effort and not getting 100% back from him, compounded with me not trusting him, after enough tears and fights, I pulled the trigger and it was VERY difficult. Hell I even wanted him back. My mind kept wondering, my gut never let go, and after too much of never really knowing, I decided, it is not worth it. I dont trust this man, and the truth of the matter is, he's really not helping the situation with his: immaturity, bad phone habits, flakiness, temper, etc.... Man, as long as your post was, I get it. Its not fathomable to have a healthy relationship and a functional one building up to marriage WITHOUT TRUST, you are kidding yourself, and yes, you are not thinking with your mind, but feeling with your heart, and she is completely and utterly taking advantage of it, she is exploiting your kind nature. You must tell yourself this, do I know my worth? Does she? I deserve better than to be second best, I deserve better than plan B. I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I'M NUMBER ONE IN HER LIFE, WHERE I AM THE ONE DESIRED, NOT HER WET BLANKET. I dont know when you will break up with her, but I will tell you this, everyone has their breaking point, and I'm quite shocked you havent reached it yet. Leave her before she takes even more away from you. You have shared your home, your precious time, and most importantly your beautiful children, how dare her lie over and over to you knowing you've put everything on the line. And no the answer is no, you cannot change a pathological liar. Also my ex, he is in so much denial about so many aspects of his life, I'm starting to believe he believes his own lies and BULL****. I cant believe this woman went into so much detail, Its got to be the dumbest thing she's ever done. I cant believe your pressed her on so many things, once you've known her infidelity, knowing the details of their intimacy is just down right masochistic. If you hang out here long enough, you will realize what she has done to you, and it seams intentional. Forgive me for my forwardness, but this woman has pissed me off. I believe she's used you as a rebound for the 'picture guy' that no longer wants her. Its like a domino affect, this guy emotionally scars her and she passes the buck to harmless innocent bystander looking for genuine relationship and love. Let this be a warning to all who are rebounding out there, the new third party has feelings, do not treat them like dirt. Urg, I'm so angry for you to the point where I want to call her names. Kick her out of your home, you will never get 100% from a broken unhealed person. She's not over him and that is her problem and now she made it yours. That's not even considering her infidelity issues, lies, and deceit. Thanks for your in depth analysis of my issue. I cannot tell you that I will do anything you say but it's good to know someone out there has an opinion on this matter. Today her and I discussed move out options she is looking at houses tomorrow and plans to move sometime this summer to reduce impact on the kids. She says she still wants to date me after she moves? I don't understand this is this right? Should I date a woman that just moved out of my house? To me that's weird. ...although I still have love and strong feelings for her!
Nohbody Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 This person is in no way deserving of your trust. Without trust, you cannot have a stable and healthy relationship - ESPECIALLY if there are youngsters involved. It seems like the sooner you can split from this person, the better - because given enough time she almost certainly will split from you. Good luck.
bigmomma1974 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 this chick needs to seek therphy and you need to kick her to the curb, if you cant have trust in a relationship it isnt ever gonna work. she is a habitual Liar, she needs help. If you dont want to kick her to the curb ask her to start seeing a therapist aboout he lying and cheating. GL to you.
Recommended Posts