Mauschen Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 My poor husband has to deal with all of the antics of my ex-husband, and I really do feel for him. At the same time, I feel myself getting really tired of discussing how my 6-year-old son's behavior (only the bad behavior, of course) is a direct result of my ex's bad parenting. My husband is also constantly discussing how he is stressed out about how we're going to pay for college for my 6 and 7 year old children because their biodad doesn't help out financially. I am taking steps to obtain child support from my ex, but it takes time and I have to wait until our court date (at least). I know my husband has walked into a situation that would be stressful for most people, and I am trying really hard to be loving and sympathetic. He is a wonderful amazing man overall. Yet I find myself feeling helpless about my son's behavior (like it is a reflection of me) and also because my son's behavior so deeply affects my husband. I try my best to parent him and enforce rules, but he still throws tantrums and is disrespectful. My husband will try to do something fun with my son, but when my son acts up, my husband thinks the whole day was a failure and that my son didn't appreciate what my husband did for him. My husband then dwells on it for days. And then, instead of taking one day at a time, my husband begins to talk about how we're going to pay for college, my daughter's wedding, etc. and he gets really stressed out about it. We both make decent money, and so does my ex (who will hopefully be paying child support soon). We don't live paycheck to paycheck, we have a paid off home, and no debt. so I am not sure where all the stress is coming from and I am not sure how to help my husband be less stressed. Any stepdads have some suggestions?
John Michael Kane Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 My poor husband has to deal with all of the antics of my ex-husband, and I really do feel for him. At the same time, I feel myself getting really tired of discussing how my 6-year-old son's behavior (only the bad behavior, of course) is a direct result of my ex's bad parenting. My husband is also constantly discussing how he is stressed out about how we're going to pay for college for my 6 and 7 year old children because their biodad doesn't help out financially. I am taking steps to obtain child support from my ex, but it takes time and I have to wait until our court date (at least). I know my husband has walked into a situation that would be stressful for most people, and I am trying really hard to be loving and sympathetic. He is a wonderful amazing man overall. Yet I find myself feeling helpless about my son's behavior (like it is a reflection of me) and also because my son's behavior so deeply affects my husband. I try my best to parent him and enforce rules, but he still throws tantrums and is disrespectful. My husband will try to do something fun with my son, but when my son acts up, my husband thinks the whole day was a failure and that my son didn't appreciate what my husband did for him. My husband then dwells on it for days. And then, instead of taking one day at a time, my husband begins to talk about how we're going to pay for college, my daughter's wedding, etc. and he gets really stressed out about it. We both make decent money, and so does my ex (who will hopefully be paying child support soon). We don't live paycheck to paycheck, we have a paid off home, and no debt. so I am not sure where all the stress is coming from and I am not sure how to help my husband be less stressed. Any stepdads have some suggestions? Maybe being more strict on your kids?
Author Mauschen Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Thanks John, I already am fairly strict. I know that lax parenting is a major complaint for a lot of stepparents, but I don't think that is a problem in my situation. My husband thinks my rules are fair, and I follow through on discipline each and every time. Still, my son is out of control. I've tried positive reinforcement, punishments, etc. But even though he knows the consequences, he will still throw tantrums. It's very frustrating. My other child is an angel (thank goodness!).
oldguy Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Relationship counseling some times called family therapy is custom made for your situation. Truths; It's never going to be like the Brady bunch. If your having problems now & do nothing it will never get better. Stop blaming your ex husband, even if it's his fault, where were you? If your kids ever hear you or your husband rip on their dad, no matter how justified it may be, it will bite you in the arss one day. Don't do it. And kids hear everything.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 What a slimebag. The ex has to be taken to court in order to be forced to help support his own kids? Loser. He doesn't see the kids does he?
heartshaped Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 My husband will try to do something fun with my son, but when my son acts up, my husband thinks the whole day was a failure and that my son didn't appreciate what my husband did for him. My husband then dwells on it for days. I take it your husband doesn't have any biological children of his own does he? It sounds like his parenting skills could use a bit of help despite everything else that is going on. Kids will be kids, even if your son didn't have a behavioral problem, kids are mini versions of ourselves, and even we aren't perfect. Children are very perceptive as well. If your husband is letting your son's behavior bother him like that, I'm sure the children are aware. As for your son, how long have you and your ex-husband been divorced? How often does he see the kids? How long have you been married to your husband now? Some of his behavioral issues might be because of the divorce, your current marriage, not seeing his dad enough, etc etc. If your son is acting up that much, you need to find the root of the behavior and nip it in the bud. He isn't just acting out to act out, I assure you. As for your husband stressing, I'm not sure why exactly he is when you are seeking child support and the events he is stressing over are so far in the future. Have the two of you started savings funds for the children's college etc? If you haven't, maybe starting one would put your husband's mind at ease.
Author Mauschen Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Thanks for all of the helpful support and advice. My ex-H has parenting time 3 days per week, but "dumps" the kids on his parents 1-2 days. We are going back to court for parenting time modification request (my request) and child support. My ex-H and I have been divorced for about 3 years. My husband and I just got married a couple months ago, hence all of the adjustment. He does not have children. He gets along really well with my daughter, who is an angel. And he tries hard to do fun things with my son, but as noted above, my son can be really difficult at times. I do not blame all of my son's behavior on my ex, but I think a lot of his behavior has to do with the following: ex hits him (documented by 3rd parties), ex kicks him, ex calls him "stupid" when he is naughty, ex has made him wear wet underwear as a punishment, at ex's house there is very little supervision, no bedtime, and no meals (the kids eat cereal and granola bars all day when they are there). His step mom also does not speak English, so he can't communicate with her well, which I am sure is frustrating. On my side, my son has experienced the change of having a new step dad and a dog (came along with the step dad). I know I am not perfect, but I try really hard to be a good mother; my kids have a routine at my house and predictable rules and consequences. Also, we never talk about the kids' dad in front of them. But they often tell us the things he says about us, which are mostly very negative. I do think setting up college accounts is a good idea and will look into that. That should help solve the financial stress there.
oldguy Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I take it your husband doesn't have any biological children of his own does he? It sounds like his parenting skills could use a bit of help despite everything else that is going on. Step-parenting brings a whole different dynamic to a family relationship Kids will be kids, even if your son didn't have a behavioral problem, kids are mini versions of ourselves, and even we aren't perfect. Children are very perceptive as well. If your husband is letting your son's behavior bother him like that, I'm sure the children are aware. And you need to step it up because one of the best analogies of being a step parent that I heard was; the role of a Step-parent is as a good host/hostess. I do not agree with this 100% but I think it's a good foundation. As for your husband stressing, I'm not sure why exactly he is when you are seeking child support and the events he is stressing over are so far in the future. Have the two of you started savings funds for the children's college etc? If you haven't, maybe starting one would put your husband's mind at ease. Cmon, new marriages between couples are stressful, not to mention ones that come with children.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 The kids are young-and it will take them time to adjust to the new living situation. Much more than a couple of months. Try years. While I have always insisted that my kids treat my husband with respect-I decided it was up to me to me the authority figure when I remarried. My kids were 9 and 4 when I remarried. If he asks them to do something they comply just like they would if I did. If they refused I am sure he would dole out punishment if I weren't around but we don't sit down and have a meeting or anything to decide how I am going to handle anything. He looks to me for most decision making when it comes to them. It concerns me that he seems so concerned about how much the kids are costing him or going to cost him. He knew they were there and what the situation was financially when you guys got married. He accepted you and he accepted them as a package deal. I understand that can be overwhelming in a way but I don't think he's dealing with it appropriately by putting pressure on you. I don't receive any child support-I have split custody-and we split expenses. My husband doesn't ever complain about any of that. I contribute to the income of the family too. Whether or not you work outside the home you still contribute as well. What were his expectations as far as what it would be like? Do you know? Perhaps that might be a good place to start and them give him a realistic picture of how long it may take things to get better.
Author Mauschen Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Thanks for your response Mz. Pixie, My husband treats both kids really well, and goes out of his way to spend 1:1 time with my son even though my son often acts up. I know it will take months and maybe years for the kids to adjust. For now, I am doing the disciplining when I'm around, but husband has to do it if he is alone with my son. The kids' expenses issue concerns me too. Kids are expensive, but I make more than enough to cover their expenses and still have enough to pay all of our bills without husband's help (but not enough to save for college - which is one of my husband's worries). I hope my husband will be more satisfied when my ex is paying for things (anything) and I can save some money for college. Up until this point he has not paid for anything (not even split expenses). He has never offered to help pay for daycare, clothing, activities, etc. And, of course, there is no guarantee that someone will pay support even if they are court ordered to do it.
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