germain Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I've been dating a girl for a couple of months now. I just got out of something I was really into and have been taking things pretty slowly as far as an exclusive relationship developing with this new girl. We've briefly discussed it as she thought I just wasn't interested in her early on, but she seemed cool with not rushing into anything. Seems the responsible way to do things, no? Well I feel like she's been hinting all over the place and has started doing small things that sort of imply we're in a relationship without actually saying it. I like her but am still hesitant. I feel like I still don't really know her yet as a person if that makes any sense and some of my trust issues are starting to rear their ugly head again. These were only intensified when I noticed the last week or two she has been flirting with some guy she follows on Twitter, and he apparently just asked her out on a date (via Twitter, weird). I don't know her response to it other than them exchanging numbers and adding on FB (which she promptly removed from the news feed...) - so gonna go with a yes. In any case, her Twitter is pretty obvious on her Facebook and she talks about it all of the time, so I can't imagine her thinking I wouldn't check it every once in a while. I realize we're not exclusive at this point and I have sort of dug my own hole here; however, her telling me she only dates one person at a time due to some moral rule she has (which I share) and the fact that she's still showing a lot of enthusiasm towards us makes me even more reluctant to push things forward given this date she's got on the side. And hiding the Facebook add? Seems sketch. Who knows if there are more guys? I don't really want to confront her about this and seem possessive and stalkery but at the same time I don't feel comfortable continuing the relationship if this something she's done a lot. I don't fault her for keeping her options open when things don't seem definite, but I'm getting a bit of a two-face vibe going in what she says. What do you guys think?
sydneysider1978 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Do you like the girl or not? If I were her, a couple of weeks or months of "nothing serious" is fine but if it doesn't start to progress then I'll start to think that neither of us is keen on taking it further. Do you see yourself in a relationship with her eventually, you just need more time? Or are you just not that into her? She might be feeling a little rejected from the lack of progress in the relationship. You say you haven't agreed that you are exclusive. Is this something you want, if so you'll have to make this clear and step things up. Otherwise, I don't see that she is doing anything wrong and is doing the right thing in keeping her options open.
good_vibes Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I see nothing wrong in what she is doing as I thought you said you guys never said you were exclusive. How can it be two-faced in that case... If you want it to be exclusive you need to have "the talk" and discuss it. If not then don't, but she has every right to date who she pleases in that case.
snug.bunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) Her expressing to you that she only wants to date you, while appearing that she may be dating other people (not sure if she is or not) does send conflicting signals. But, you rejecting the prospect of being in a monogomous relationship with her, is essentially the same dynamic. You're both keeping your options open at this stage. It appears that you want her to be committed to you, while you aren't. If you aren't at that place yet with her emotionally, and you begin to question her loyalty and/or become accusory towards her, it may push her away from you altogether because it sends the wrong message and is confusing. Edited June 8, 2011 by snug.bunny
Eeyore79 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 If you're not offering her an exclusive loving relationship, she has every right to seek one elsewhere. She's tried to reel you in and it isn't working, so she's probably given up and is in the process of pulling away from you and looking elsewhere. By this point you've probably been demoted to a non-prospect and are just a place-holder until she finds a man who offers her all the things you don't.
Janesays Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 She didn't do anything wrong. My thoughts are if a guy doesn't like me after a few months, he doesn't like me period. And that's cool, there are other guys who do....so I'd do exactly what she's trying to do: find one.
Author germain Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 I do like her but am just a bit cynical when it comes to relationships right now and am very protective. I don't blame her for being open to whatever comes along. I guess I just assumed we had a sort of implied exclusiveness after what she had told me plus I haven't actually been dating/attempting to date anyone else and would feel like somewhat of a jerk if I were to start. I'm just a bit surprised about this dude as things seemed to have been actually picking up and becoming a bit more serious this past week or so as I'm opening up to the idea of being in a relationship again. I decided against mentioning the guy to her and just focused on having a good time last night. When she gets back in town, I will talk with her about her feelings/being officially exclusive. Maybe let her know what the hold up has been? Hopefully it's not too late to at least tell her how I feel.
Enchanted Girl Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) I do like her but am just a bit cynical when it comes to relationships right now and am very protective. I don't blame her for being open to whatever comes along. I guess I just assumed we had a sort of implied exclusiveness after what she had told me plus I haven't actually been dating/attempting to date anyone else and would feel like somewhat of a jerk if I were to start. I'm just a bit surprised about this dude as things seemed to have been actually picking up and becoming a bit more serious this past week or so as I'm opening up to the idea of being in a relationship again. I decided against mentioning the guy to her and just focused on having a good time last night. When she gets back in town, I will talk with her about her feelings/being officially exclusive. Maybe let her know what the hold up has been? Hopefully it's not too late to at least tell her how I feel. We all struggle with trust issues, but you have to just get over it. Either that or lose her. Which is more important to you? To just stop procrastinating on working on these trust issues and commit to her or cling to them desperately and lose her? If you need to deal with trust issues that make it impossible to commit to people, then you need to be alone for awhile because there is no relationship if there is no trust. And if you can't get over the fact that she's a different person and didn't do to you whatever some other girl did that gave you these trust issues, then you're not even giving her a fair shot and should just let her go be with more stable men. She's not going to commit to you more than you're willing to commit to her and that's completely fair. She can't commit to you if you can't commit to her. And trust me, some guy is going to come along who CAN commit (that she likes) and you'll be out the door. Edited June 8, 2011 by Enchanted Girl
kalikula Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I totally get where she's coming from you. She quite obviously likes you and wants to be in a committed relationship with you. But because you're not ready she's trying to keep her options open. Nothing wrong with that. IMO she probably is not actually doing anything more just like not mentally shutting herself off from other people all together, since she's not getting the commitment she wants from you.
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