Lilmisus Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 So though I'm pretty good at being able to tell which guys are interested in me and which ones only see me as a "friend" or "acquaintance," there's one guy who's confusing me a bit. Since starting my new job almost a month ago, I've stayed clear of making too many connections, and I've been trying to stay friendly towards all of my coworkers, without really trying to get close to any of them. I made the mistake at my old job of getting too close to too many people, and dating a coworker there, and flirting with others there as well (after the relationship ended, of course). It caused so much drama, and it made it to where I felt I had to quit because I couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to make that mistake again. That said, my new coworkers have been trying hard to get me to open up to them and to go out with them whenever they go places or are talking or whatever. None of them know about how my old job was, or about the relationship I had there, or anything like that (and why should they?). But, there's one guy there, who's been the most friendly out of all of them. He's always asking to make sure if I'm doing okay (we're both servers), always asking about my weekend, and what I'm doing and stuff like that. And for the past two weeks, he's invited me to go out with him and others five times. Three times it was to go to a local bar, after work or on the weekend. Once it was to spend the day on the boat. And today, it was to go to a party with him and others this weekend. He's incredibly friendly towards everyone (though I haven't heard him send out invites to others), so that's why I'm not looking too deep into this. I'm also not even sure if I'm interested in him, or the idea of dating another coworker. I just know that I'm confused as to his motives, and anyone's thoughts on what's going on with him, would be appreciated.
Sabali Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 for the past two weeks, he's invited me to go out with him and others five times. Three times it was to go to a local bar, after work or on the weekend. Once it was to spend the day on the boat. And today, it was to go to a party with him and others this weekend. Even simple friendliness doesn't tend to get this aggressive. Remember how at your last job when you dated a coworker and it caused all of that drama? Yeeeaaaahhhhh, remember?
Author Lilmisus Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Even simple friendliness doesn't tend to get this aggressive. Remember how at your last job when you dated a coworker and it caused all of that drama? Yeeeaaaahhhhh, remember? Of course, that's why I mentioned it here It's what's keeping me from getting close to anyone (being friendly though!), and from really taking his bait of going out with him and others when he asks. I definitely don't want a repeat of my last job, here. It's too great of a place, and the money's too good for drama to get in the way. But this guy is very sweet. If his motives are just being friends, I'll def be game. And he just does it in a very friendly way like: Him, as I walk up: So what you doing tonight? Me: Going to the beach Him: I mean, after that, tonight? Me: I dunno..just spending all day at the beach Him: All day? Me: Yup...probably Him: Well, a bunch of us are going to (insert bar name), some sort of ladies night..you should join. Me: Oh really? Okay. I don't think so, but thanks. Or, the other day, when he was asking if I swim, and telling me that a bunch of people were spending all day on some dude's boat. When I said I had to work that day, he asked if I'd be willing to give up a day..to which I said no. Then today, a coworker said that they were throwing a party, and to spread the word, and this guy said to me (we were all standing next to each other) "hey party this weekend..though you probably heard, you should come" then my coworker also said I should come. I didn't really say anything though..just smiled and continued working. Like I said..he's just a really friendly guy. Part of me even thinks he's gay (I know at least one of the guys there is..though I'm not sure who..another coworker mentioned it..). If he's gay, then there's my answer
good_vibes Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Well it sounds like he is inviting you to mostly group activities, not dates, so maybe he is just trying to make you feel included. If someone was asking me, I'd go just to go, and if I was there and they were hitting on me or whatnot there THEN you would know and could do the "I just want to be friends" or whatever speech.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Well it sounds like he is inviting you to mostly group activities, not dates, so maybe he is just trying to make you feel included. If someone was asking me, I'd go just to go, and if I was there and they were hitting on me or whatnot there THEN you would know and could do the "I just want to be friends" or whatever speech. They've each been group activities, and the only time that it seemed like it was meant more than to be taken just as friends, was when he invited me to the bar that one time that I mentioned. I just don't want to assume that he's looking to just be friends and then wham! He's asking me out on a date. I don't want to lead him on if that's the case..so I want to proceed with caution if he might be interested, ya know? But if this is 100% friendly (as I feel it probably is), and he's just trying to include me, then I wouldn't have as much of an issue going with him.
carhill Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Given you work in the food/hospitality business, it might be a good idea to socialize away from work. IME, boundaries can get pretty blurred in such a job, and you apparently had some issues in the past which underscored this. As a man, my experience is that any man who repeatedly 'invites' and 'suggests' things, presuming he isn't the designated head of worker activities at the employer, is 'hitting' on you. It might seem innocuous, but it's purposeful. For him, it may simply be a numbers game. If he's simply trying to be 'friendly' then there are no expectations and your lack of interest will be a non-issue. Hence, follow your path of, presumably, keeping business associations professional. Good luck
thatone Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 he's inviting you to group stuff, i think you're taking avoiding people at work too far. why would you not want to be friends with the people you work with?
Author Lilmisus Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 he's inviting you to group stuff, i think you're taking avoiding people at work too far. why would you not want to be friends with the people you work with? I don't think it's that I don't want to be friends with anyone there...it's just that I don't want to get that close to anyone there..at least not yet. Keep drama to a minimum, ya know? Plus, I like to take my time at friendships, and since I'm the "new girl" there still, I don't want to jump in and start hanging out every other night with these people that I really don't even know yet. They're all pretty awesome, and most are my age, but it would just feel weird. I'm sure that in the next few weeks though, as I continue working with them, it wont be nearly as "weird" and I may say yes to going out with all of them..as long as I know it's just as friends Maybe if I find out if this guy is gay or not, then that will help give me the answer to my question. God..if only I could Facebook stalk better... Though, I have to point out, my one good friend works there, and she's actually the one that got me the job there. She knows all that I've been through with my old job and with my ex..but I doubt she said or would say anything to anyone else there..so it's only her that knows the details about me. No one else there really knows anything about me (which is actually kind of fun..for now at least).
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