RuinedLife Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I feel like every day things get worse and not better for me. Its been 4 months now since my break up and I think about my ex all the time, and I'm in denial to the point where I'm often delusional and imagine him coming to visit me, or that he's going to call me and all will be well again, just as it was before. I keep having flashbacks to the break up and the events leading up to the break up as if its happening again and again in my mind all the time. And the anxiety and despair is so unbearable I really feel I'm going completely insane. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, but I don't know if she can do much. Going to tell her about all the dark thoughts I'm having though. Maybe that will sway her to take me more seriously. I really hope so because I'm becoming so desperate I really fear for my sanity.
Nohbody Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Is this doctor a psychiatrist? You may want to see a mental health professional if you are not already. Medication may also be helpful if you feel like you are completely overwhelmed. I know that it's helped me a good deal.
PelicanPete Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) This anxiety is no longer about your ex. You guys have been broken up for 4 months. He didn't put you into this emotional state, you did. Therefore no medication or doctor is going to fully purge this problem, only you can. What are you so afraid of? You're in hell right now and you're choosing to stay. What is more scary then that? You're never going to get out if you choose to continue on like this. You've been buried 6ft under with your dead relationship, and you're choosing to remain in the grave of once was rather then exploring the vast and beautiful world of what is. What do you want to have more, Sorrow and regret, or happiness and opportunity? I would be insane too if I was depending my happiness on trying to revive and preserve a long gone corpse in a changing world. The only way it could ever possibly come back to life is if you let it become what is intended, rather then force it to be what it once was. This world consists of change, nothing ever remains the same. I was once a fetus, and I grew into a newborn. I then became a child and transformed into a young man in my early 20s. My whole life is ahead of me, whether it be another 80 years or a week, and I know much more change is to come. Give it another century from now and I'm either going to be decaying in the ground or a pile of ash, but that's the base of life and the world. Your ex bf has become something else, therefore so has your relationship. You're exactly like my grandmother who still buys me puzzles which I use to play with when I was 8, she doesn't understand I'm not that person anymore.Our lives change everyday, whether you are aware of it or not. The cells in our bodies die and replace by the millions per day, and so do our thoughts and experiences. If you fight against the current of life and time, you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life. The only way to be happy is become something new rather then be once was, and accept that this is life. Edited June 7, 2011 by PelicanPete
Author RuinedLife Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) I think I have obsessive love disorder as it explains all the symptoms I'm having, including - * Fixation with a person who is believed to be the sole source of happiness and fulfillment. * The onset of "tunnel vision". Where the sufferer is dependent their love interest and cannot stop thinking about them * Fantasies about the love interest overwhelm the suffer and can lead to a semi-delusional state * With deterioration of a love relationship, stress and anxiety disorders intensify. * Overwhelming feelings of depression. * Sudden and crippling loss of self-esteem after a relationship ends * Intense feelings of guilt and self-hatred. * Denial that the relationship has ended. * Inability to imagine a future without the love interest And the relationship continues in my fantasy as thats where I tend to live and thats where I retreat to. But the reality that it has actually ended is destroying me. Also I understand what you are saying PelicanPete and I agree that this isn't really about my ex anymore. I am stuck in the past and can't move forward. You say your grandma still buys you puzzles for you thinking you are still a child. Well I feel like I'm still a child. I think back to my past and I honestly feel that inside I have barely changed since my very early years and I still relate to the world around me in very similar ways. Also I often try to retreat to my past in whatever way I can and escape from reality by living in a fantasy world. I know this is a serious problem. Don't get my wrong, but it is a problem I am not resolving myself, for what ever reason. I am willing to accept that I am responsible for my recovery, but if that the case and no one can help me, I fear I will never recover as I have no firm motivation to change my ways and as I've behaved in the same way (escaping to a fantasy world) since I was 3 or younger I honestly know no different way to deal with life. Nohbody - I'm going to see a medical doctor. I am on the list for cognitive behavioural therapy, but its a long wait still, 2 months at least. Edited June 8, 2011 by RuinedLife
Karala Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Hi RuinedLife, I was wondering, since you're aware that your anxiety problem was in part conducive to your breakup, doesn't it help motivate you to do everything you can to overcome this issue and possibly have another chance with your ex, probably not anytime soon but maybe in a year, couple of years or whatever? (I don't remember exactly what your situation is and if there's any chance of that happening, sorry if I'm rambling) I know most people would tell you not to entertain any hopes of a second chance, but as we discussed a few days earlier, if that's the only thing that can motivate you to work through your issues for now, I'd say by all means use it. True love can tear us apart and this is definitely where people like you and I are at the moment, but it can also inspire us to do things we never even knew ourselves we had it in us to do them. (sorry if I'm not sounding very clear, english isn't my first language -_-) Your suffering seems unsurmountable at the moment, but which is the greatest, your suffering, or your love for this person you lost? Hope I'm not sounding judgmental, really not my intention, what I mean is that for now it seems like you are somewhat "attached" to your suffering, and maybe if you decide your attachment to the person you lost is greater, you can decide to let go of the suffering at last. Cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to be wonderfully effective so I think it's great that you're doing that soon. 2 months is a long time when you're in pain but not so long in the scheme of a lifetime I guess :] Anyway, I'll be thinking of you and really hoping you feel better soon. By the way, you say it's been 4 months since the breakup, has it been 4 months NC too?
Author RuinedLife Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) Hi RuinedLife, I was wondering, since you're aware that your anxiety problem was in part conducive to your breakup, doesn't it help motivate you to do everything you can to overcome this issue and possibly have another chance with your ex, probably not anytime soon but maybe in a year, couple of years or whatever? (I don't remember exactly what your situation is and if there's any chance of that happening, sorry if I'm rambling) I know most people would tell you not to entertain any hopes of a second chance, but as we discussed a few days earlier, if that's the only thing that can motivate you to work through your issues for now, I'd say by all means use it..... By the way, you say it's been 4 months since the breakup, has it been 4 months NC too? I wish I could use hopes of another chance with my ex to help me recover. But to be honest I don't think he's ever going to truly forgive me for the things I said at the end of our relationship and seems unlikely that he'll ever see me in a positive light again. And this cuts me so deep to my soul. Words can't describe how much I hate myself for my actions and my words. I made so many mistakes and it all went so horribly wrong. I've always wanted to be a confident and laid back person, but I lost my grip on my emotions and I showed him beyond a doubt that I was the total opposite type of person, i.e. clingy, insecure and immature beyond belief. Its been 4 months since our break up now, but we've been in contact on and off over the last couple of months. Sent him a crazy wittering message only a week ago to which he never replied. I'm sure he thinks I'm completely insane. And he would not be wrong. Had to assessed by a psychotherapist today, they say at the moment they don't think my anxiety, depression symptoms are bad enough for me to be committed to a mental hospital, but it was discussed and if I get much worse that is where I'll end up. If my family wasn't around to help look after me now, I would definitely be taken away by the men in white coats. I'm certain of it. Edited June 8, 2011 by RuinedLife
Nohbody Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 You won't get committed unless you are a danger to yourself or those around you. You probably DON'T need to be committed, but you need to begin to seriously deal with your issues. Small steps are necessary before we can make great bounds. I live with mental illness, myself. The girl I was with left me (ostensibly) because of my problems with PTSD from the war. You don't need another chance with your ex, you need to give yourself a chance. That's the only way you will heal.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 You won't get committed unless you are a danger to yourself or those around you. You probably DON'T need to be committed, but you need to begin to seriously deal with your issues. Small steps are necessary before we can make great bounds. I live with mental illness, myself. The girl I was with left me (ostensibly) because of my problems with PTSD from the war. You don't need another chance with your ex, you need to give yourself a chance. That's the only way you will heal. Sorry to hear you suffer from PTSD. My doctor insisted that I be assessed because I confessed to her that I've been having suicidal thoughts. I doubt I would act on them, but when I'm really despairing I fear for my safety because I become so desperate during those moments and would do almost anything to make the pain stop. These psychiatrists operate a crisis team and they say they will come and visit me at home for the next few days to try and help me through this crisis point. They're getting me new medication as my current ones aren't working and they will talk through my anxiety state, obsessive thinking patterns with me to try and help me find better ways of coping so that I don't have all these panic attacks and collapse on the floor in floods of tears all the time. Part of me feels so desperate for help and really glad that they will be coming, but another part of me just feels I don't deserve any help and I don't deserve to get better because I brought all this heartbreak and stress on myself. It could all have been so easily avoided if I just hadn't sent such impulsive emails to my ex. If I hadn't then he would still be here with me and I just feel like I will never be able to forgive myself for pushing him away from me like that when I love him so much.
Nohbody Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) If he loved you as much as you love him he wouldn't be pushed away. Also: You don't need to be sorry for me. Work on yourself and become the stronger person you have the potential to be. Edited June 8, 2011 by Nohbody
Author RuinedLife Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) If he loved you as much as you love him he wouldn't be pushed away. Also: You don't need to be sorry for me. Work on yourself and become the stronger person you have the potential to be. I feel like my ex no longer loves me because he realised how worthless I am to him. And I'm really struggling to see any inner potential I have, as this rejection has made me really think about myself and really look into my soul, but when I do look inside myself, when I do reach into my core, I don't find anything, just empty space. Edited June 9, 2011 by RuinedLife
Author RuinedLife Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 I'm starting to realise that my ex will never come back to me and words can't describe how heartbroken I am. I literally think about him 24/7 pretty much as the little sleep I get I'm dreaming about him and then I wake up and no matter what I'm doing I think about him and the break up. All feels like it happened yesterday. I just hate myself so so much for doing this to myself. I wake up with a horrible sense of dread and dark thoughts of harming myself. I'm seeing the psychotherapist again today, and talking helps a little but these feelings always come back again.
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