Tinytears Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Hi, me and my boyfriend have broken up about a month ago after 2 years. it has been very messy and I have been very stupid. Its all been over the phone, none of it face to face, infact the last time I saw him we had a wonderful weekend, and were very close. Ive been telling him I wont accept it, wont move on, begging for chances, crying, all of those wrong things. Today it finally was over, even though it already was. he changed his facebook status to single, messaged my sister and said that she should look after me, and everyone now knows. The reasons for breaking up were because he suffers from depression and the last few months he has got himself into massive money problems, walked out of his job without having another one to go to, and fallen out with his mum over all of this. He got another job which was meant to start this eek but they emailed him and said it wont be starting until july now, and it was the day after that this happened. He says he loves me, and im the best person hes ever met but he needs to sort out his life and cant deal with a relationship, he wont be able to give me what i want or deserve and we also hadnt had sex for 7 months due to his depression and the high dose of medication he is on, and he says that he cant stop feeling guilty about all of this, and cant deal with a relationship 'at the moment' so we have to break up. he also said that if we are meant to be then fate will guide us back together and that if we remain friends then who knows what the future holds, and that its nothing to do with me. i know all of this is the truth as hes a very honest person. Before we started going out we were friends for a while and he loved me so much, chased me around to try and get me to be his girlfriend, but lately i havent been that person, and he hasnt been the same either, but its beeen down to outside factors, and we have both cracked under the strain. his last txt today said that i am very important to him, and he still wants me in his life, and who knows what the future may hold if we remain good friends, so my plan is to pretend to him that i have accepted everything (i kind of have) and be his friend and hopefully we can be as good friends as we were before and remember the good and maybe we will naturally start again. im not even thinking of it as getting back together, but literally starting fresh. He's coming over on saturday because i said we shouldnt just end this over the phone, and he said he will bring some of my stuff round. my plan in my crazy state was to try and plead with him face to face but now i think that when he gets here, i should tell him we've said all we have to say already, and theres no point in repeating it again, because ive accepted it, and just offer him a drink and have a chat about day to day things, maybe even a joke. he keeps emphasising that he doesnt want me out of his life so if he sees me having a good time (which he already knows im going to london for a festival on sunday with some of hos friends are going to) this was arranged months ago, im not stalking! and starts to associate me with fun and being relaxed instead of guilt and arguments, that he may start to want me back. im aware this could take a few months. he has said he wont be seeing anyone else as the reason for the breakup isnt me, its that he doesnt want anyone fullstop until hes sorted his problems out. ive read that people with bipolar which is what hes got, do this quite a lot, just feel like they cant deal with anyone else. so maybe he can get on with sorting himself out, seeing me appearing to be getting on with things and meanwhile the two of us having some good times together, then maybe this might work? im aware its going to be difficult but i can be strong enough if it means i might get him back. after all, how can we get back together if i dont first accept the breakup and get him to associate me with good again. please no harsh answers, im quite fragile right now but does anyone think this may work? my mum thinks its a good plan and she knows him well and knows the whole back story, and ive heard that becoming the girl he fell in love with again can help. sorry this is so long.
Karala Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I'm in a bit similar situation. Ex pursued me for months in the beginning, then the roles kind of reverted, fast forward 4 years and I became this needy person that needs him like crack cocaine. Told me he couldn't be in a relationship anymore, "it's not me, it's him", he "couldn't give me what I want", "I deserve better" and all that good stuff. But that he still loves me and who knows what could happen in the future. I tried to pull the same act that you're talking about, but I had to call it quits after only a few weeks because it was too painful. And just plain impossible. I couldn't pretend to be carefree and okay with whatever because I so wasn't it was a joke. I finally decided to pour my heart out to him, telling him how sorry I was for not trusting him more and that I was ready to start off again on better grounds if he had still any interest in giving it another shot. Turned out he had zero interest and stood firm in his decision. I have no regrets about not continuing the "carefree act" any longer because I know I could not have pulled it off any longer without risking my sanity. But I also have no regrets about giving this plan a try, and I know if I hadn't done it, I would have regrets about not even trying to make him see me in a better light, and not doing all I could to try and get back together. (Oh, and by the way : I only reconnected with him, and started hanging out "as friends", after many many weeks of NC. Thinking absence would have helped him realize how much he needed me and wanted me in his life. lol, it only made me realize how much I wanted him and needed him in my life. And things still didn't work out in my favour. But that's just my experience...) So my advice to you would be to do whatever you feel you need to do to make sure that you've tried everything, so that you won't have any regrets later on, but if you find the whole thing too painful and hard to maintain, by all means stop doing it. Don't drive yourself crazy.
Author Tinytears Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks for the reply, i can see where you are coming from and am not sure if I will be able to carry out this plan without it being too upsetting but i almost feel like i could find any amount of strength if it means there could be a chance. once hes sorted out his life and money, career, health problems etc, and hopefully gone back to seeing me as the girl that he knew before, instead of the girl who is always adding too stress then who knows. like you say, I am one of those people who will regret not trying this if I dont do it. We have done a bit of the no contact thing as this breakup has been very drawn out. it wasnt for 30 days or anything though, that was my plan but he kept contacting me to tell me all over again that it was over. I know it goes against what most people on this forum seem to think but I dont always think its the best thing. Just planning on saturday to tell him what Ive been up to, which im going to stretch the truth slightly, eg. i went to my friends house and cried all night, but ill tell him i went and had a good time, and also tell him about my london plans for sunday, work stuff, ask after his family, the usual. and if he tries to talk about the breakup, im just going to say that its done with now and i wouldnt want to ruin our friendship by going over it but that i can see that it was the right thing. I just think that instead of getting back together, why not just try and start all over again from scratch. sorry, i cant seem to stop typing everytime i start! well done to you for trying though and thanks for the advice.
Author Tinytears Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Im getting worried now, Ive been chatting to people on my facebook wall (including some of his friends that are going on sunday, they initiated this, not me) about getting excited for sunday and having a joke and things, I thought this was good yesterday, letting him see that Im getting on with things, and seeing me for the fun loving person that is the side of me he loves, and hoping he may feel a pang of jealousy, but now I cant help worrying that he will see this as either a) me game playing or something and most of all b) he will think he did make the right decision because i seem better off without him and think we are better off apart and also c) that he will think that I definitely was over reacting about all of the things ive said over the past few weeks, about not wanting to go on without him, telling him i cant bare to see anyone or socialise etc. Im really worried also that I messed everything up with my begging and tears, particularly yesterday, as he said that all of the crying and not accepting his decision have made him more sure that he made the right choice in splitting up as im so over emotional. I am really going to try and prove to him that i dont have to be like that, and ive got a grip, by not contacting him for the rest of the week, letting him see that im getting on witth things and just contacting him friday night with a polite, cheerful friendly call to confirm our arrangements for saturday. just hope its not too late. Im so scared about everything :-( I really want us to give it another go. He kept saying he HAS to do this, and HAS to sort his life out and start again, he also said that if we remain friends then who knows what will happen in the future, and that fate will bring us back together if we were meant to be, and if you love someone you have to let them go and see if they come back to you. he seems to really believe in all of this stuff so i think that whilst he definitely wants to break up, he does not definitely not want to start a new relationship with me, and i dont mean getting back together, i mean a new relationship. oh dear, im ranting again :-(
guccimane99 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Wow ladies i kinda feel weird. Karala my ex litteraly told me the same stuff. Actually are stories are kinda the same except i date my ex for a short period of time and she broke up with me. I didnt realize i was clingy at the time but when i go out of it was when i realized. I kind of wished she wouldve sat down and told me before she broke up, but whatever. In the end im happy and i hope she is. Do i ever see her and i being friend definatly not. Just remember that when u push they pull and when u pull they push.
Hopeless_1116 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Girl, you need to get a grip! First things first - posting things on your Facebook wall to make your ex jealous is just plain immature and will make your ex annoyed because most likely he will know what your motive is behind your words. Secondly - you are not ready to see him. You will be a crying mess. Your heart will break into a thousand pieces all over again and the tears will come flowing whether you want them to or not. I suggest you tell your ex that he's right. You've realised that thee two of you are not the same people you were when you met and things have changed and you think the break up is for the best and there's no need to meet to discuss anything at this point. Tell him you need some time and space away from him for a while and when you're ready to see him, you'll contact him to get your things or alternatively, he can drop them off outside your house or you can have someone pick them up Then, dissapear for a while (60-90 days). This is going to be sooooo hard! You love him and want to talk to him probably because you're scared he'll forget about, etc., but don't worry. This isn't about your ex, this is about you! Trust me when I tell you that seeing him will only make things worse. Delete him from Facebook so you don't see his updates. Get used to life without him. Don't "pretend" to be anything. Get back to being you, build up your confidence, and when you're feeling strong emotionally then and only then should you reach out to him (if he attempts to reach out to you during this time, don't respond). You need time to heal. I have learned the hard way! In a past relationships, I have done the begging, crying, pleading, pretending to be the "cool" friend....the best thing is time and space away. This will also give him an opportunity to see what life without you is like and get back to being himself. Hopefully you both will be stronger people when you reconnect. Remember that making mistakes is never a bad thing. They help us learn and grow as people. Take what has happened in this relationship and learn from it. Right now you're scared and you want to act out that fear by trying to manipulate your ex to come back to you. Slow down. Breathe! You're going to be just fine with or without him. I promise
Author Tinytears Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 I wasnt posting things on facebook to make him jealous, if we were together I wouldve posted exactly the same thing at exactly the same time. I was just scared that he might I won 4 tickets to a festival and didnt know who to offer them too as my closest friends were busy so I posted asking if anyone wanted them. As I said, I was more worried he might think that I was game playing, I even considered deleting the post.
Hopeless_1116 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Im getting worried now, Ive been chatting to people on my facebook wall (including some of his friends that are going on sunday, they initiated this, not me) about getting excited for sunday and having a joke and things, I thought this was good yesterday, letting him see that Im getting on with things, and seeing me for the fun loving person that is the side of me he loves, and hoping he may feel a pang of jealousy, but now I cant help worrying that he will see this as either a) me game playing or something and most of all b) he will think he did make the right decision because i seem better off without him and think we are better off apart and also c) that he will think that I definitely was over reacting about all of the things ive said over the past few weeks, about not wanting to go on without him, telling him i cant bare to see anyone or socialise etc. Maybe I misinterpreted your words then No need to get defensive. I am trying to help you.
dearestpie Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I agree it isn't a good idea to see him, because the fact that you are caring about what he thinks shows you are not over him. You can only pretend to be okay around him for so long before you break down, and if you really want him back, that will not help your chances. The best way to hope for any kind of future as friends or otherwise is to give him the space to heal himself like he wants. He is doing what he thinks is best for him, regardless of what he says otherwise, so you should do what is best for you and not be in contact with him if you are clearly not over him. It can only end badly unless you have truly accepted that you are broken up.
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