knightmastr Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) My wife cheated with a co worker. Thousands of texts per month were exchanged. After I found out she claimed they were just friends. She responded by telling me she did not want to be with me and had been planning to leave me for over a year. She refused to unlock her phone or pc. What followed was months of threatening to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing; lying to her friends and family that I was a controlling, paranoid, neurotic weak man, I begged her for months to tell me she had met him as I had phone records indicating so. 2 months and 60 nights of fighting and talking, she finally admitted that yes they had met on the night in question. During that night they texted and called each other dozens of times. There were 3 unexplained hours that he did not text her, she did not text him, did not answer my texts or answer the calls or texts from the girlfriend that she supposedly was with. After the three hours they started calling and texting each other until she arrived home at 4:20 am. During those 3 hours of unexplained phone inactivity she claimed they met for 30 minutes, had one drink and then he left to attend a party. The week following their rendezvous they exchanged over 200 texts per day, starting the very next morning at 9am-sometimes until 3am-including more photos. I asked her why she did not tell me. She claimed she feared I would leave her. I asked her if there was anything else she needed to tell me. I assured her I would not leave her. She lied again and said “no. that’s it they were just friends” She promised me she would never text a single man or hide any conversations from me. She unlocked her phone and pc. Then, I found out through looking through her phone Facebook account that she invited him to text or email her again, days after our talk. For the next 3 months there were more threats to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing suggestions of separation, etc… I finally bluffed her and told her that I had a forensic specialist check out her phone, I asked her, “Is there anything else I should know?” She admitted to kissing him the night they met, inappropriate texting, sending him inappropriate semi nude photos, and telling him she would find a way to be with him while I watched our children. She still cannot explain the missing 3 hours and will not admit she spent them with him. I started to ask her questions again, I explained if she lied about anything again, I would be done. The 1st night was hard. The next day she was in an auto accident. 3 buldging discs and 1 herniated disk. I stopped questioning her. She started seeing a DC (Chiropractor) on the advice of a friend. I found out the DC was a swinger and had invited her over one night when she was out with the girls. I asked her if she was comfortable seeing him. She said no, and she was going to ask another Dr in the clinic to treat her. She didn’t. I became angry. Demanded her to stop. After 2 months of that, I asked her to stop seeing him or I would be done. I made her an appt with an orthopedic surgeon. She stopped seeing the DC. When I asked her in counseling what it was she got from him she claimed, “He cared about me and asked me how my day was.” After months of talking (mostly me speaking to pure logic) she finally admitted that he did not really care and only pretended to, for the purpose of having sex with her at some point. I had asked for months that she write/text him a “no contact” letter. After refusing for 6 months, she finally sent it. In the letter she spoke of her poor decisions, how much she hurt me and our family, how she loved me and how she would spend the rest of her life trying to regain her integrity and make it up to me and our children. She has not apologized to me. She claims she has. I suggested writing me a letter so as to not keep having this argument over whether or not she has apologized. She has not written me anything concerning her actions. She claims this all happened because I neglected her emotionally and physically. She has also admitted it is she who cannot show emotion, talk about her feelings, and initiate sex or intimacy. Recently she hugged me and said “I’m sorry, I was so selfish. I love you dearly and I will do anything to prove it.” I have become much more dominant in our relationship. She has admitted she is a natural submissive and is a masochist. She admits she was out of control and needs me to “keep her in line.” She has also told me she has a childhood filled with physical and sexual abuse starting from a very early age. I will say NOW she does whatever-and I mean WHATEVER-I want her to do…except admit the physical part of her affair. She rarely acts out now. Before she was out of control-raging, combative, pessimistic, etc. She still seems to always assume the worst. Ex: I say “thank you” and she hears “f**k you.” When I get her to calm down she acts as if nothing happened. I have asked her to keep a journal. She says she does not have time. Our couple’s therapist (3rd one) tells me I am doing a good job in not pressuring her to talk about this. I told him I think my wife has a personality disorder. He said “that is accusatory and isn’t a very productive statement.” It has been a year. I grow more angry and weary daily. Edited June 7, 2011 by knightmastr html problem
John Michael Kane Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 My wife cheated with a co worker. Thousands of texts per month were exchanged. After I found out she claimed they were just friends. She responded by telling me she did not want to be with me and had been planning to leave me for over a year. She refused to unlock her phone or pc. What followed was months of threatening to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing; lying to her friends and family that I was a controlling, paranoid, neurotic weak man, I begged her for months to tell me she had met him as I had phone records indicating so. 2 months and 60 nights of fighting and talking, she finally admitted that yes they had met on the night in question. During that night they texted and called each other dozens of times. There were 3 unexplained hours that he did not text her, she did not text him, did not answer my texts or answer the calls or texts from the girlfriend that she supposedly was with. After the three hours they started calling and texting each other until she arrived home at 4:20 am. During those 3 hours of unexplained phone inactivity she claimed they met for 30 minutes, had one drink and then he left to attend a party. The week following their rendezvous they exchanged over 200 texts per day, starting the very next morning at 9am-sometimes until 3am-including more photos. I asked her why she did not tell me. She claimed she feared I would leave her. I asked her if there was anything else she needed to tell me. I assured her I would not leave her. She lied again and said “no. that’s it they were just friends” She promised me she would never text a single man or hide any conversations from me. She unlocked her phone and pc. Then, I found out through looking through her phone Facebook account that she invited him to text or email her again, days after our talk. For the next 3 months there were more threats to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing suggestions of separation, etc… I finally bluffed her and told her that I had a forensic specialist check out her phone, I asked her, “Is there anything else I should know?” She admitted to kissing him the night they met, inappropriate texting, sending him inappropriate semi nude photos, and telling him she would find a way to be with him while I watched our children. She still cannot explain the missing 3 hours and will not admit she spent them with him. I started to ask her questions again, I explained if she lied about anything again, I would be done. The 1st night was hard. The next day she was in an auto accident. 3 buldging discs and 1 herniated disk. I stopped questioning her. She started seeing a DC (Chiropractor) on the advice of a friend. I found out the DC was a swinger and had invited her over one night when she was out with the girls. I asked her if she was comfortable seeing him. She said no, and she was going to ask another Dr in the clinic to treat her. She didn’t. I became angry. Demanded her to stop. After 2 months of that, I asked her to stop seeing him or I would be done. I made her an appt with an orthopedic surgeon. She stopped seeing the DC. When I asked her in counseling what it was she got from him she claimed, “He cared about me and asked me how my day was.” After months of talking (mostly me speaking to pure logic) she finally admitted that he did not really care and only pretended to, for the purpose of having sex with her at some point. I had asked for months that she write/text him a “no contact” letter. After refusing for 6 months, she finally sent it. In the letter she spoke of her poor decisions, how much she hurt me and our family, how she loved me and how she would spend the rest of her life trying to regain her integrity and make it up to me and our children. She has not apologized to me. She claims she has. I suggested writing me a letter so as to not keep having this argument over whether or not she has apologized. She has not written me anything concerning her actions. She claims this all happened because I neglected her emotionally and physically. She has also admitted it is she who cannot show emotion, talk about her feelings, and initiate sex or intimacy. Recently she hugged me and said “I’m sorry, I was so selfish. I love you dearly and I will do anything to prove it.” I have become much more dominant in our relationship. She has admitted she is a natural submissive and is a masochist. She admits she was out of control and needs me to “keep her in line.” She has also told me she has a childhood filled with physical and sexual abuse starting from a very early age. I will say NOW she does whatever-and I mean WHATEVER-I want her to do…except admit the physical part of her affair. She rarely acts out now. Before she was out of control-raging, combative, pessimistic, etc. She still seems to always assume the worst. Ex: I say “thank you” and she hears “f**k you.” When I get her to calm down she acts as if nothing happened. I have asked her to keep a journal. She says she does not have time. Our couple’s therapist (3rd one) tells me I am doing a good job in not pressuring her to talk about this. I told him I think my wife has a personality disorder. He said “that is accusatory and isn’t a very productive statement.” It has been a year. I grow more angry and weary daily. Divorce her. Just divorce her. And get rid of the "therapist."
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 She has also told me she has a childhood filled with physical and sexual abuse starting from a very early age. That would explain a few things... What is she doing to deal with this?
betterdeal Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Our couple’s therapist (3rd one) tells me I am doing a good job in not pressuring her to talk about this. I told him I think my wife has a personality disorder. He said “that is accusatory and isn’t a very productive statement.” It has been a year. I grow more angry and weary daily. Your therapist is accusatory and not very productive. Stop giving money to someone who doesn't help you.
YellowShark Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 She sounds like a very conflicted woman who is suffering from some trama from her childhood. Try reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and see if her behaviour fits the behaviour of person suffering from BPD.
freestyle Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 She sounds like a very conflicted woman who is suffering from some trama from her childhood. Try reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and see if her behaviour fits the behaviour of person suffering from BPD. BPD is what came to mind when I read the OP---the behavior, and her extreme reactions upon being caught out.........blameshifting, turning the tables, trying to make you out to be the villain.......... I agree with Yellow Shark--this does seem to go beyond common garden-variety cheating----there could be a PD in the picture, that was created from her early childhood trauma. The label doesn't matter as much---it's the behaviors that are unacceptable. You can stick it out with her as she goes through therapy, but it will be a very long, uphill battle, IF in fact, it is BPD. I'll echo Yellow Shark, read as much as you can---and there are forums specific to dealing with a partner with a PD, that may be helpful to you.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Annnnnd the laypeople come out in hoards to diagnose a person who's not even posting. When I read the OP, it sounds pretty emotionally distant. It troubles me. Knightmastr, how does this entire situation make you feel? Because honestly, it's hard to tell. It's just one big narrative accusation (all of which may be factually accurate, but it sounds weird).
YellowShark Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Annnnnd the laypeople come out in hoards to diagnose a person who's not even posting. I am not making a diagnosis but I *did* live with someone for many years who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. I know a tremedous amount about it because I was forced to in order to deal with it, and understand it. Childhood trauma, (physical and sexual abuse starting from a very early age) + infidelity + push/pull + lying + moody (raging, combative) = possible personality disorder. I still recommend that knightmastr read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and see if she fits the profile. She could be undiagnosed.
betterdeal Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I recommend you read the book, "Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder" and then find therapist(s) who are experienced with abuse. You have played a part in this, and you will play a part in how this plays out from now on. I'm not saying you deserve any of this, just that you may need to modify your behaviour a little, even if she has to modify hers a lot. The all (raging) or nothing (supremely submissive) thing must be tiring to deal with. It sounds like her experience of life is that of abuser-victim-rescuer, and she can make sense of that, because it's familiar. So she flips between victim and abuser, and seeks out rescuers. Her inexperience in having more reasoned, continuous responses to issues in a relationship may make you feel like you are dealing with an inexperienced teenager. Ask yourself what is your role in this? At the moment, you're in a holding pattern, in control, but that's not very enjoyable even if it is marginally less exhausting than being the victim in the scenario. You will need lots of compassion to get through this. Making sure you have plenty of support, people you can turn to, not to discuss details per se but to give you a sanctuary, a break, will be of great help. An individual therapist for yourself could be useful, but so can buddies you can play pool with - something to take your mind off it every once in a while. Eat well, sleep well, do exercise, look into yoga / meditation / martial arts to help with feeling good. This goes for your wife too.
Author knightmastr Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 She says she has apologized, she has not. She is realizing things but very slowly. She first said she has emotional issues. At the therapist office she claims she is no different from anyone else.I feel disapointed in her "version" of reality. I am hurt by her inability to make herself vulnerable. Every day I get more angry and feel less willing to help her. I have done meditation, been to counseling. I am done.
nyrias Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 She says she has apologized, she has not. She is realizing things but very slowly. She first said she has emotional issues. At the therapist office she claims she is no different from anyone else.I feel disapointed in her "version" of reality. I am hurt by her inability to make herself vulnerable. Every day I get more angry and feel less willing to help her. I have done meditation, been to counseling. I am done. Just be done and move on. She is free to admit to, or not admit to anything. You are free to leave. Even if you get her to say "I am sorry", so what. They are just words. You have no way to know she just say them to appease u, or she truly believe anything.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 "Dont go looking for answers in places where there are none." I suggest you read up on the traits of some psychological disorders that might fit your wife's criteria to give you an idea of what you are dealing with and what to expect... This is coming from somebody that has worked with the mentally ill in the past. As harsh as this may sound to you...there are people that basically have no chance of rehabilitation or change.
betterdeal Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 She says she has apologized, she has not. She is realizing things but very slowly. She first said she has emotional issues. At the therapist office she claims she is no different from anyone else.I feel disapointed in her "version" of reality. I am hurt by her inability to make herself vulnerable. Every day I get more angry and feel less willing to help her. I have done meditation, been to counseling. I am done. This may be of use in that case: http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm Lots more very useful articles on that site.
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