Kikideezpleez Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I'm a 22-year-old female who is in nursing school and I have recently become preoccupied with worrying about never getting married. I think I feel this way, because many of the girls I went to high school with are married and have children now. I feel like I am missing out or something. It is hard to explain, but I feel like something is wrong with me, because I haven't found someone yet. My 18-year-old sister has a boyfriend and a daughter and I feel almost like I am a failure or on the wrong track, because I value getting my education and not settling on just any guy that will give me the time of day. I want to get married, but I have always valued being in a relationship with someone who is mature and I feel like there are so many guys who don't value the things I do. I'm sorry I am venting, but I feel confused, and somedays, hopeless. Would anyone offer some advice or words of encouragement, please?
Saxis Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I don't see any problem at all... Don't fall to the peer pressure (yeah, maybe no one is pressuring you per say, but you're taking clues from what others around you are doing). Give it a couple years and see how those young relationships turn out. There's a good chance they'll be coming to you and proclaiming how lucky you are to still be enjoying your single life and freedom. Let me say, a person can change a LOT between 18-30+ years of age. Most people are still defining themselves at this stage...
TaraMaiden Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I got married at 20. And at 25. And again at 54. (Last time, I promise!) So, what's your problem, again...? I personally feel 20 is waaaaaaay too young to be getting married and having children. Really, I do. Ask your sister how cool it is to be a young teenage unmarried mum with a child to bring up. At a time of her life when she should just be venturing into exploring youth and personal liberty, and enjoying the freedom that a young liberated lady in the 21st century SHOULD be enjoying. it's not all plain sailing.... We all envy what we don't have, only to find that those who have it, envy something we have....!
Author Kikideezpleez Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I got married at 20. And at 25. And again at 54. (Last time, I promise!) So, what's your problem, again...? I personally feel 20 is waaaaaaay too young to be getting married and having children. Really, I do. Ask your sister how cool it is to be a young teenage unmarried mum with a child to bring up. At a time of her life when she should just be venturing into exploring youth and personal liberty, and enjoying the freedom that a young liberated lady in the 21st century SHOULD be enjoying. it's not all plain sailing.... We all envy what we don't have, only to find that those who have it, envy something we have....! You're right. The funny thing is that my sister and all these girls around me act like they just love being moms at 16, 17, and 18. Maybe it's just where I'm from, but it seems like babies having babies is the "in" or "cool" thing to do. I feel like I can barely take care of myself, so you know I can't even fathom taking care of a baby. Whew! Thank you for your help!
Author Kikideezpleez Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I don't see any problem at all... Don't fall to the peer pressure (yeah, maybe no one is pressuring you per say, but you're taking clues from what others around you are doing). Give it a couple years and see how those young relationships turn out. There's a good chance they'll be coming to you and proclaiming how lucky you are to still be enjoying your single life and freedom. Let me say, a person can change a LOT between 18-30+ years of age. Most people are still defining themselves at this stage... You're definitely right about peer pressure! Just this past weekend a girl that graduated the year after me got married and I'm like "am I not doing something right, or what??" I guess I never thought of it as being peer pressure, even though that's exactly what it is indirectly. The sad part is that I can't really hang out with my old friends from high school, because they all have a house, husband, kids, and all these responsibilities. Thank you so much for bringing me back down to earth and helping me put this stuff in perspective. Sometimes people are so blinded by certain things that they completely miss what's important.
thatone Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 You're right. The funny thing is that my sister and all these girls around me act like they just love being moms at 16, 17, and 18. Maybe it's just where I'm from, but it seems like babies having babies is the "in" or "cool" thing to do. I feel like I can barely take care of myself, so you know I can't even fathom taking care of a baby. Whew! Thank you for your help! of course they act that way. they don't know any better. they have no grasp of the consequences of their actions. check back with them when they're raising a teenager as a single mother when they're 30 and see how it's going for them then.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 You're definitely right about peer pressure! Just this past weekend a girl that graduated the year after me got married and I'm like "am I not doing something right, or what??" I guess I never thought of it as being peer pressure, even though that's exactly what it is indirectly. The sad part is that I can't really hang out with my old friends from high school, because they all have a house, husband, kids, and all these responsibilities. Thank you so much for bringing me back down to earth and helping me put this stuff in perspective. Sometimes people are so blinded by certain things that they completely miss what's important. When as a mum, I had young children, there were loads of women at the schools, who would form 'groups'... they all became close friends, because they had one thing in common: Kids of similar ages, at the same schools, with the same teachers. Guess what? These weren't 'friends' as such (although, of course, we all got on really well and liked each others' company) ...no. It was a 'self-formed support group'. We could all discuss the same issues, about the same kids, in the same classes, in the same environment, with the same teachers, and thrash these issues out. We all supported one another, guided one another, put forward suggestions, opinions and views for one another. But it's all we ever talked about; School, kids - and how useless the husbands were!! But there was one woman who we knew was completely independent, self-assured, confident and dignified. single with no children, she was also a Voluntary local magistrate, and worked hard, but also played hard, and loved her independence and freedom. She could do what she wanted to do in her spare time, without having to worry about coordinating holidays with her children, husband, buying a big enough car to transport said family with ALL the baggage necessary, and she never had the problem of having to juggle her career around kids and family. Damn, how we all envied her. I mean, really, we truly did. She was some smart cookie that one. She had a sporty little 2-seater car, and as far as I know, several gentlemen friends, with whom she hung out as she chose.... I'm not suggesting she was sexually loose, but she certainly had the freedom to be, if that's what she wanted. She was the school's headmistress. She had all the kids she ever wanted, but the great thing was, she didn't have to take them home with her. Let me give you a few sobering facts: This is how much money you save, by NOT having a child. When a child is very young, you find you have to carry so much extra baggage around with you, that your pushchair/stroller will groan under the weight. In fact, you develop muscles you never knew existed. In fact, strollers/pushchairs nowadays are actually built to do a whole lot more than just push a baby around in... they can carry another child on a footplate, or even a kind of bike seat, and have hooks for bags and trays for a cup of coffee! Fit a small engine to it, and Voilà! you have a small family car! This all adds up, but what the money doesn't take into account is the physical and mental challenge and exhaustion, of being responsible for another human life for twenty years! More, in fact.... Has your mum stopped being your mum now you're an adult? Mine hasn't - and I'm 54!! Look: I'm not trying to put you off being a mum, eventually. Hormones are funny things: When they scream for satisfaction and insist you have a baby, they're almost impossible to deny or resist. But it's Bloody Hard Work. It's all consuming, and your life will never be the same again. Ever. being a parent changes you in every single way, for ever. You yearn to be like others. You have noooo idea, just how many others probably envy you, and wish they could turn the clock back. I adore my 2 daughters. I would never, as I live and breathe, wish they hadn't been born. (hell, I have a beautiful little grandson, and he's just wonderful!!) But if I could turn the clock back, I really would definitely think twice about becoming a mother. Form your career. get your nursing qualification under your belt. Focus on building a good future for yourself. Enjoy your youth and freedom. And really - ask young mums the question: Would you change anything? You'll be astonished at the replies you get.
musemaj11 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 No racist but are you Mexican or something? Most of my friends are Mexicans and they tell me that they feel the pressure to start a family early since everyone around them is doing it. To me this kind of thinking is stupid because all the people I know who started family early are living in squalor and many of them especially the girls became single mothers.
utterer of lies Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Would anyone offer some advice or words of encouragement, please? You are doing just fine. And if you finish your education, it will be easier for you to find a guy with a good education himself. Which translates into better income and a higher standard of living that you can offer your own kids, and much less worries about day-to-day survival. Just look around, with 25 or 30 most mothers-with-18 are single again and struggling.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 "Feminists are silent when when the bill arrives." -- Wise Man Yeah, that's because they've quit moaning and just pay up. SOME men go on and on and on about the housekeeping, how much did this cost, how much did that cost - they know the price of everything and the value of nothing. (viz. my Ex-. God, how he banged on about every penny...he's the one overdrawn right now. I'm the one who kept house and home together....)
oldguy Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 You have plans for your future & ideals & expectations & you are confused because you are not an 18 yo mother who is "hoping" to get your GED one day? There is nothing wrong with wanting more. Leaving the area & sphere of influence & moving to a new area, even for a year or so will be an eyeopening experience for you. Don't succumb to what your environment dictates.
Sugarkane Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I can understand where the OP is coming from. I'm 24 and it seems like everyone's having kids at the moment. 4 of my co workers have had children recently alone. My co workers all had children young and always ask me when I'm going to be next. But I got out of a bad relationship last year and I'm now single. I want to get out of this dead end job I'm in and have a career. My co workers all had children young, but didn't do anything careerwise. they also missed out on other opportunites in life e.g travelling.
Sugarkane Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I also feel discouraged sometimes. I was serious with my ex and was in love with him. Then he cheated on me and left me for someone else. Life seems to turn out differently sometimes.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I feel almost like I am a failure or on the wrong track, because I value getting my education and not settling on just any guy that will give me the time of day In what warped universe are you living in that you would feel like a failure for having those qualities? Slap yourself girl. And be careful - becoming obsessed with getting married is a sure-ticket to just taking the first guy that comes along. Be happy with who you are.
Author Kikideezpleez Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 No racist but are you Mexican or something? Most of my friends are Mexicans and they tell me that they feel the pressure to start a family early since everyone around them is doing it. To me this kind of thinking is stupid because all the people I know who started family early are living in squalor and many of them especially the girls became single mothers. Oh, no offense taken. I'm not Mexican. I'm white. I don't know why I feel so much pressure to get married and have a baby, because I am nowhere near ready for anything that drastic in my life. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please and go to school, but I have had so many people who know me in my small community ask me, "So, are you married?", "Do you have a boyfriend?", "Oh, honey, you'll be next to have a baby." and silly stuff like that and I'm just like..."Eh, no."
Author Kikideezpleez Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 In what warped universe are you living in that you would feel like a failure for having those qualities? Slap yourself girl. And be careful - becoming obsessed with getting married is a sure-ticket to just taking the first guy that comes along. Be happy with who you are. Oh, it's a warped one, all right! I'm trying to finish my education so I can have a decent enough job to move away from the area I live now. The only thing holding me back right now is not having enough money, but I'm slowly but surely progressing to bigger and better things...one of which is my own house. You're right, I needed a serious reality check, and I'm glad I have some honest people on here to clear the smoke from in front of my eyes.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 When as a mum, I had young children, there were loads of women at the schools, who would form 'groups'... they all became close friends, because they had one thing in common: Kids of similar ages, at the same schools, with the same teachers. Guess what? These weren't 'friends' as such (although, of course, we all got on really well and liked each others' company) ...no. It was a 'self-formed support group'. We could all discuss the same issues, about the same kids, in the same classes, in the same environment, with the same teachers, and thrash these issues out. We all supported one another, guided one another, put forward suggestions, opinions and views for one another. But it's all we ever talked about; School, kids - and how useless the husbands were!! But there was one woman who we knew was completely independent, self-assured, confident and dignified. single with no children, she was also a Voluntary local magistrate, and worked hard, but also played hard, and loved her independence and freedom. She could do what she wanted to do in her spare time, without having to worry about coordinating holidays with her children, husband, buying a big enough car to transport said family with ALL the baggage necessary, and she never had the problem of having to juggle her career around kids and family. Damn, how we all envied her. I mean, really, we truly did. She was some smart cookie that one. She had a sporty little 2-seater car, and as far as I know, several gentlemen friends, with whom she hung out as she chose.... I'm not suggesting she was sexually loose, but she certainly had the freedom to be, if that's what she wanted. She was the school's headmistress. She had all the kids she ever wanted, but the great thing was, she didn't have to take them home with her. Let me give you a few sobering facts: This is how much money you save, by NOT having a child. When a child is very young, you find you have to carry so much extra baggage around with you, that your pushchair/stroller will groan under the weight. In fact, you develop muscles you never knew existed. In fact, strollers/pushchairs nowadays are actually built to do a whole lot more than just push a baby around in... they can carry another child on a footplate, or even a kind of bike seat, and have hooks for bags and trays for a cup of coffee! Fit a small engine to it, and Voilà! you have a small family car! This all adds up, but what the money doesn't take into account is the physical and mental challenge and exhaustion, of being responsible for another human life for twenty years! More, in fact.... Has your mum stopped being your mum now you're an adult? Mine hasn't - and I'm 54!! Look: I'm not trying to put you off being a mum, eventually. Hormones are funny things: When they scream for satisfaction and insist you have a baby, they're almost impossible to deny or resist. But it's Bloody Hard Work. It's all consuming, and your life will never be the same again. Ever. being a parent changes you in every single way, for ever. You yearn to be like others. You have noooo idea, just how many others probably envy you, and wish they could turn the clock back. I adore my 2 daughters. I would never, as I live and breathe, wish they hadn't been born. (hell, I have a beautiful little grandson, and he's just wonderful!!) But if I could turn the clock back, I really would definitely think twice about becoming a mother. Form your career. get your nursing qualification under your belt. Focus on building a good future for yourself. Enjoy your youth and freedom. And really - ask young mums the question: Would you change anything? You'll be astonished at the replies you get. Ok well this has scared me straight. I've always been on the fence if I want children or not and this just scared me back to the no kids lawn.
TaraMaiden Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Oh, no offense taken. I'm not Mexican. I'm white. I don't know why I feel so much pressure to get married and have a baby, because I am nowhere near ready for anything that drastic in my life. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please and go to school, but I have had so many people who know me in my small community ask me, "So, are you married?", "Do you have a boyfriend?", "Oh, honey, you'll be next to have a baby." and silly stuff like that and I'm just like..."Eh, no." OOOh, my good friend at work replies with stuff like, "Are you implying I am incomplete without a husband and children? because you should know I find your insistence that I conform with the rest of the sheep in society, simply because it's the done thing, to be highly morally offensive. Slavery was the norm once, and we've abolished that. There's a growing number of women who are setting a revolution in motion to bring an end to the slavery of married mum with kids. I have no intention of marrying and having children simply because others expect it of me. If I ever do those things, I will do them out of a personal necessity. And right now, I know of no legal obligation which would classify doing those things as even remotely 'necessary'!" She scares me, too....!!
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