Anna86 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 So, I think I know the answer I will get once I ask this question. I would answer with a big fat no if someone else asked me this....but here goes!! I am pretty much over my ex (I think so, and my family friends agree). I went through all the stages....denial, sadness, anger, fear, desperation...You name it, I have the t-shirt. Right now I feel acceptance and maybe a little sad at times. But, I forgive him for what he did to me. All in all, a general success.... So I missed my exes friendship and I decided to engage in small chat with him on facebook. Harmless, maybe? Anyway, when we chat all my old feelings of when we first met come back. This feeling hasn't hit me since before we broke up..... I know him so well and can pretty much guess what he will say next. I asked him about some girl that he was very casually seeing and he says its over and that hes happy about that. I did not expect my reaction, my heart started pounding. When he was with her, I felt relief (as I knew I couldn't talk to him) or some kind of numbness but now I feel curious and interested in him. I am ashamed to say, but he STILL gives me butterflies. Nobody I have met since him has made me feel this way. And I have met some nice guys..... I want to meet up with him and....... I want to see him. I guess that it's wrong but I want to see him. If I am honest, I kind of want FWB. We had that after we broke up but I was not over him enough to handle it so I stopped it. Maybe I am now. I miss intimacy! I miss being close to someone. I don't want to be with a stranger- That is like a nightmare for me. I know my ex well and know I would have fun. I have no idea what he thinks on the subject matter and I wouldn't dare tell him its how I feel. I have far too much pride.......But he is male, and I am aware of how men can be easily led if something is handed on a plate. And I don't want to be that girl. I know I deserve better!! But, I really miss ..sex...I am not promiscuous or anything, just a 20something female who misses being intimate!! Does anyone have experience in a similar situation? Or can maybe suggest why I feel this way? And...what can I do to stop these feelings? They have been consuming me over the past week out of nowhere...
geegirl Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I believe you are deluding yourself into thinking you are "over your ex", clearly you aren't. You may have gone through the stages and accepted it for what it is but your feelings are clearly still there. You can reach acceptance but that does not mean you're void of emotional attachment to him. You just said in your post that your feelings came rushing back?! So how are you over your ex? Over your ex would mean you are indifferent. Any type of contact won't send your heart a flutter. You can go and meet up with him and see him and have sex with him. Just talking to him made your heart flutter. What do you think is going to happen when you have sex?? You bond with him again, feel that intimacy and loving feelings and then it's all over and you go home. You don't stay to cuddle and have dinner together or wake up and have breakfast and get all lovey dovey. FWB = Unemotional Sex. You enjoy sex. Say bye, see you next time and go on with your day to day without batting an eyelid about it. No going home and laying there and fantasizing and feeling the warm and fuzzies. No hoping the next day he sends sweet messages. No hoping maybe he's going to enjoy sex so much with me that he will change his mind and want to be with me. Because I am pretty sure you are on this train of thought. Oh, the sex will be great, he will remember how wonderful I am and if give him enough/good sex, he will change his mind. Men can have sex and be totally in control of their emotions and treat it as an act. Women on the other hand, not so much. The bad part is, you already have feelings. So, you are FWB with him. Two months from now, he starts seeing someone. He has to stop being FWB with you. Then what? Or he starts seeing another woman also on FWB terms. Then what? You don't look for intimacy playing the FWB. You get strictly sex out of a FWB arrangement. Intimacy you find from someone in a loving relationship. You are kidding yourself if you think you are over him. If you were, you wouldn't post here. You'd tell him you want to have sex and have it. No analysing. I know many women who do this and they don't analyze if it's a good idea. They do it, once, twice a month with no emotional attachment whatsoever. It's just sex. No expectations. If you can have sex with him and walk away with no expectations, great. Be honest with yourself. I miss and love intimacy too. I want that connection. I have not been in the arms of a man or had sex in a long time. It's only human to feel this way. Sometimes I want to tear my hair out. I too can't just go out there and have sex with some random person. If I were to approach my ex, he'd roll out the red carpet. But is it worth your sanity and dignity? Is it really worth having to grapple at all those old feelings of confusion and hurt again? Your need to be free from emotional hurt should far outweigh your urges. You miss your ex. You miss intimacy with him. You have butterflies. You are clearly not over him.
geegirl Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I want to talk to him.. Hi, so I am wondering does anyone else ever feel this way? If so, do you have any advice/kind words for me? Ex broke up with me 5 months ago, but it didn't really end until 2 months ago. I miss him lately. A lot. He hurt me a lot and I feel over him but today all of a sudden I just miss him. I had a few dreams about him and now he is in my head. I did a bad thing. I looked through his friends album on facebook and saw a picture of him and the girl he is seeing. He wasn't tagged in it, he must have untagged himself as he was tagged in the rest. I know that it isn't too serious because of he he speaks about her but still, it makes me feel really really sad. My point is this. For some insane reason I want to hear his voice. I want to talk to him. I want to see him all of a sudden. Its like a drug out of nowhere. I am not sure how to explain it. I thought 5 months later I would be okay but its hitting me again. Sorry to make it long and boring but I really am close to contacting him. I feel like I still love him........I know. Its crazy. The above is your post from yesterday. The last line you state that you feel like you still love him. What part of "I feel like I still love him" equates to you being over him?
chris1987 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Men can have sex and be totally in control of their emotions and treat it as an act. This statement is not true. I am a man and I can't control my emotions any more then I a woman could. It may not show so much as woman but trust me we feel it too. Did you break things off with him or did you dump him? FWB is a bad idea. It can make you feel used and worthless. Don't do it take it from someone who's done it. It will bring you back to the way you felt after you broke up.
geegirl Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I am speaking of men who treat you strictly as a FWB. They can compartmentalize their feelings based on how they view you, specifically those that are unemotional about you and see you nothing more as FWB.
Author Anna86 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Thank you for your detailed response GeeGirl. I guess you are right. I am not over him. I felt like I was getting there but I have all these feelings coming back. We are talking again and I really like it. I feel so much more myself again. He was the person I shared every problem with for 2 years, so it was a huge loss. He broke up with me, and he decided to throw everything away. He chose to leave me and do other things in his life that he felt were more important. I get that. I can't stay mad at him forever for breaking up with me. Neither of us were happy with the relationship towards the end....... But as far as sex was concerned it was fine. No problems, I kind of think I could handle that as I am attracted to him but not sure I love him. But, I think you are making the point that I could develop feelings for him again. As in love...... I think you are right, and I know it will end badly but it sucks that something seems so natural and tempting is pretty much the worst thing for you!! I will have to start attending the gym.....
geegirl Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I understand how you feel. You feel like you are yourself again because that's how you felt when you were with him. Minus the relationship, you're holding on to whatever you can have now. So it makes you feel good as in you still get some comfort of having him in your life versus nothing at all. The right thing to do would be to allow yourself to heal, detach emotionally and maybe when you are truly over him, rekindle that friendship. Until you do that, you'll be grappling at your emotions. But you will do what you know is right for you. If you can control your emotions when having him in your life in a certain capacity without affecting you, then do so. But if you're struggling at times, then you have to make the difficult but right choice in protecting your sanity and emotional health. I get to the gym too! Workout and get all that pent up frustration out! I don't have a choice!
Recommended Posts