don't judge me, I need your and support!

[dumbblonde]

Hi everyone.

 

This is my first post and would like your advice. Here is my story.....

 

I am a divorced woman with 3 children. Since I separated from my husband (who cheated on me with my friend), I have remained mostly single. I have kept my barriers up as I didn't want to get hurt again.

 

In March 2010 I met MM. At first this was just a casual thing...ie, no emotions involved. He was honest and admitted to being married and also his wife was expecting their first child. He has been married 11 years now. He also admitted he has had several affairs throughout his marriage. Yes, through time I also heard all the text book stuff - not happy in marriage, too much to lose, no sex....all the usual crap.

 

As time went on the feelings obviously grew. At this stage, he was the one to say he loved me and he became 'besotted' with me. He was the one that persued me, wanting to know my every move etc. We saw each other every day (we live in the same small town) and had sex every day and good sex too. We couldn't get enough of each other. We also spent hours on the phone to each other in a day and also hours on end instant messaging on Blackberries.

 

I called it off many times but again he would wear me down to see him again and every time I gave in, he would turn up the heat and 'hint' at leaving his marriage. We have managed weekends away and the time we have spent together has been wonderful and we genuniely do 'click'. We have a very strong magnetism to each other and I can't deny that. (I know, I know.........everyone says the same in my position).

 

Fast forward to last Thursday.........his wife received an anonymous letter saying 'your husband is cheating on you'. I wasn't named in the letter, nor did the letter give any other details. Her reaction to the letter has not been, what I would say, is normal. Basically she asked him if it was true and he denied it to the hilt, obviously. She has believed him. She has not asked for mobile 'phone records........nothing. His bank statements will also show hotel bills etc.

 

I met him yesterday and he has told me he wants to make a go of his marriage and I respect this and wished him every success. He looked a broken and confused man and still maintains he loves me. (ha ha)

 

He has since called asking to see me again and I said no as he can't make his marriage work if I am still a distraction.

 

So, I now find myself heartbroken once again and trying to be as strong as I can. I keep feeling so foolish for falling for his lies and charm. He is a serial cheat and leopards don't change their spots. I am on an emotional rollercoaster right now.

 

I just think he has commited the crime and is acting all innocent while I pick up the pieces in my life.

 

I would appreciate and thank you for your adivce in advance.

 

Dumbblonde x

[bentnotbroken]

I love these threads that start with "don't judge me", it typically is a sign you know what the answers to your questions are but you are too _________(fill in the blank) to do it.

[dumbblonde]

NC is my intention and it is being strong enough not to give in that will the struggle.

[Emme]

To cut all ties is not easy but it can be done. What have you been doing to keep yourself entertained other than this man? What are your hobbies? Do you go out with your girlfriends? You have to find something else to distract you or you'll end up back at square one. If you want to end it you have to stay strong, he is weak. What are the steps you plan on taking to distance yourself from him? Sorry you're going through this :bunny:HUG:bunny:

[dumbblonde]

To cut all ties is not easy but it can be done. What have you been doing to keep yourself entertained other than this man? What are your hobbies? Do you go out with your girlfriends? You have to find something else to distract you or you'll end up back at square one. If you want to end it you have to stay strong, he is weak. What are the steps you plan on taking to distance yourself from him? Sorry you're going through this :bunny:HUG:bunny:

Thanks Emme.

 

It really has only ended in the last couple of days but in my heart of hearts I have known/wanted it to end for some time. I just haven't had the courage.

 

I have a very busy life and great social life so keeping busy is no problem. I am just keeping positive and telling myself it is the right thing. x

[Mimolicious]

Dont think that you will feel any better than you did when you were the betrayed. I mean, you know how dark that place is. Can you sleep at night knowing that you are participating in this?

 

Seems like you have made plans to NC, hope you are able to keep your word. Sounds like you have unresolved issues within yourself and yet you can be placing yourself in much more drama. You decide, hope you make the best decision possible.

[half_ofa_heart]

Right down to the anonomous letter! Been there and I'm sorry to say that I have not been successful at ending my relationship so I'm not sure my advice is worth the virtual paper it's written on but here goes...

 

NC is certainly the most effective route - if you can handle it. Personally, I've tried it at least 28 times in the last 2 years without success. I even went as far as blocking him from every possible avenue but he always found a different road to me and I melted every single time. It is, as everyone says - an addiction and takes more strength and willpower than you can imagine so dig deep and find it to do what's best for you. I imagine that once on the other side, you will feel better about doing this sooner than later.

 

I wish you all the luck in this world and hope that find what you need to get thru this. My heart truly goes out to you <3

 

Hugs

[John Michael Kane]

I love these threads that start with "don't judge me", it typically is a sign you know what the answers to your questions are but you are too _________(fill in the blank) to do it.

 

Agreed.....

[OldOnTheInside]

I love these threads that start with "don't judge me", it typically is a sign you know what the answers to your questions are but you are too _________(fill in the blank) to do it.

 

I'll give you one thing...you know how to make me laugh in some dark way.

 

To OP, in all fairness, you did bring all of this upon yourself (which you have acknowledged at least). I would agree that NC is the best route for now. I advise getting some new hobbies, getting more exercise, spending more time with friends, and dedicating more time to your children. Anything to keep your mind off the MM and on your own life.

 

One thing you need to ask yourself sometime in the future is: Why did I get involved with a married man after what my own husband did to me?

 

I don't think that you will like the answer.

 

Anyway, just be patient.

Edited June 7, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[dumbblonde]

Dont think that you will feel any better than you did when you were the betrayed. I mean, you know how dark that place is. Can you sleep at night knowing that you are participating in this?

 

Seems like you have made plans to NC, hope you are able to keep your word. Sounds like you have unresolved issues within yourself and yet you can be placing yourself in much more drama. You decide, hope you make the best decision possible.

I know exactly how I felt when I was betrayed and it is the most awful feeling in the world and that's why I feel so awful about the situation I got myself into.

[dumbblonde]

Right down to the anonomous letter! Been there and I'm sorry to say that I have not been successful at ending my relationship so I'm not sure my advice is worth the virtual paper it's written on but here goes...

 

NC is certainly the most effective route - if you can handle it. Personally, I've tried it at least 28 times in the last 2 years without success. I even went as far as blocking him from every possible avenue but he always found a different road to me and I melted every single time. It is, as everyone says - an addiction and takes more strength and willpower than you can imagine so dig deep and find it to do what's best for you. I imagine that once on the other side, you will feel better about doing this sooner than later.

 

I wish you all the luck in this world and hope that find what you need to get thru this. My heart truly goes out to you <3

 

Hugs

Yes, it is an addiction and a toxic one at that too.

 

I am hurting so much right now and also missing him but I need to move on with my life. So I am determined to maintain NC this time.

 

HUGS

[dumbblonde]

I'll give you one thing...you know how to make me laugh in some dark way.

 

To OP, in all fairness, you did bring all of this upon yourself (which you have acknowledged at least). I would agree that NC is the best route for now. I advise getting some new hobbies, getting more exercise, spending more time with friends, and dedicating more time to your children. Anything to keep your mind off the MM and on your own life.

 

One thing you need to ask yourself sometime in the future is: Why did I get involved with a married man after what my own husband did to me?

 

I don't think that you will like the answer.

 

Anyway, just be patient.

I agree with everything you say whole-heartedly........thanks.

[half_ofa_heart]

Yes, it is an addiction and a toxic one at that too.

 

I am hurting so much right now and also missing him but I need to move on with my life. So I am determined to maintain NC this time.

 

HUGS

 

One thing I used to do that helped me a lot during my longest stint of NC was to write letters to him that I never sent or even journaling. It helped get the feelings out of my head and helped work through them.

 

The hurting has to happen - we must grieve and it hurts which is what makes going back to him the path of least resistance and the quick fix to ease your pain but in the long run, it just prolongs it.

 

Try to keep your eye on the prize which is free of all the drama that an affair brings with it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Welcome DB. I respect your strength to maintain NC even though he came back fishing. This man is a serial cheater. His sport is having affairs. His drug is having affairs.

 

I disagree, though, "that he committed the crime and you are left to pick up the pieces." Your part and responsibility in this is to yourself. You put yourself in a position to be terribly hurt and you had the knowledge that he was married, and had cheated before. He, of course, is acting all innocent, just like he was before this close call. He doesn't have any reason to act any differently. He is number one in his game. I believe men like this love the drama of sneaking around and manipulating those in their lives. It's all part of the game that they play.

 

Having been on both sides of this you certainly know that the only one who can possibly win this game is MM.

[Owl]

So take active measures to PREVENT falling back into this again.

 

BLOCK HIM...from email/IM/phone/texts.

 

REMOVE HIM...from all of the above so that you can't easily give in and call in a moment of weakness.

 

GET ANGRY at how he's treated you...how he's made you take second place in his life and priorities. Use that anger to keep yourself strong and make sure that you don't cave if he finds a way to resume contact.

 

Get a support chain in place...people, friends, family who can help you cope and deal with the end of this situation.

 

Reinvest yourself into your family, into an old hobby, a new hobby, working out...anything but letting yourself sit there waiting on him.

[dumbblonde]

So take active measures to PREVENT falling back into this again.

 

BLOCK HIM...from email/IM/phone/texts.

 

REMOVE HIM...from all of the above so that you can't easily give in and call in a moment of weakness.

 

GET ANGRY at how he's treated you...how he's made you take second place in his life and priorities. Use that anger to keep yourself strong and make sure that you don't cave if he finds a way to resume contact.

 

Get a support chain in place...people, friends, family who can help you cope and deal with the end of this situation.

 

Reinvest yourself into your family, into an old hobby, a new hobby, working out...anything but letting yourself sit there waiting on him.

One minute I am hating him for the lies and deceit and questioning if anything he told me was true, the next I miss him and again I get angry with myself..........It's awful.

 

I know I am doing the right thing and have wanted out for a long time but never felt strong enough. I just hope I am now.

 

Our paths will inevitably cross regularly and I have made my mind up just to wear my biggest smile and put my head in the air. He is the one with major issues with insecurity...........I have gone over all these things in my head a a million times.

 

Reading other posts on here is really helping me and supporting me.

 

Thanks and hugs to you all x

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone.

 

This is my first post and would like your advice. Here is my story.....

 

I am a divorced woman with 3 children. Since I separated from my husband (who cheated on me with my friend), I have remained mostly single. I have kept my barriers up as I didn't want to get hurt again.

 

In March 2010 I met MM. At first this was just a casual thing...ie, no emotions involved. He was honest and admitted to being married and also his wife was expecting their first child. He has been married 11 years now. He also admitted he has had several affairs throughout his marriage. Yes, through time I also heard all the text book stuff - not happy in marriage, too much to lose, no sex....all the usual crap.

 

As time went on the feelings obviously grew. At this stage, he was the one to say he loved me and he became 'besotted' with me. He was the one that persued me, wanting to know my every move etc. We saw each other every day (we live in the same small town) and had sex every day and good sex too. We couldn't get enough of each other. We also spent hours on the phone to each other in a day and also hours on end instant messaging on Blackberries.

 

I called it off many times but again he would wear me down to see him again and every time I gave in, he would turn up the heat and 'hint' at leaving his marriage. We have managed weekends away and the time we have spent together has been wonderful and we genuniely do 'click'. We have a very strong magnetism to each other and I can't deny that. (I know, I know.........everyone says the same in my position).

 

Fast forward to last Thursday.........his wife received an anonymous letter saying 'your husband is cheating on you'. I wasn't named in the letter, nor did the letter give any other details. Her reaction to the letter has not been, what I would say, is normal. Basically she asked him if it was true and he denied it to the hilt, obviously. She has believed him. She has not asked for mobile 'phone records........nothing. His bank statements will also show hotel bills etc.

 

I met him yesterday and he has told me he wants to make a go of his marriage and I respect this and wished him every success. He looked a broken and confused man and still maintains he loves me. (ha ha)

 

He has since called asking to see me again and I said no as he can't make his marriage work if I am still a distraction.

 

So, I now find myself heartbroken once again and trying to be as strong as I can. I keep feeling so foolish for falling for his lies and charm. He is a serial cheat and leopards don't change their spots. I am on an emotional rollercoaster right now.

 

I just think he has commited the crime and is acting all innocent while I pick up the pieces in my life.

 

I would appreciate and thank you for your adivce in advance.

 

Dumbblonde x

 

Forget him and focus on you and why you allowed yourself to continue on with a man who had a pregnant wife at home, a man who has cheated before. YOU KNOW this guy is a serial cheater and not someone trustworthy. Don't waste another tear on him, he's a very broken man and I feel sorry for his wife and that baby. Look at and focus on the negative stuff about him and not on how he made you feel. This A wouldn't have lasted long, especially now that his wife knows something is up. You don't see it as this yet, but it IS a blessing in diguise! He has to live with himself and his choices, his own misery and selfishness, while you get to heal, and move on with your life.

 

You will be okay, it may just take a bit of time to grieve and let go. Keep posting and stay strong.

[dumbblonde]

Forget him and focus on you and why you allowed yourself to continue on with a man who had a pregnant wife at home, a man who has cheated before. YOU KNOW this guy is a serial cheater and not someone trustworthy. Don't waste another tear on him, he's a very broken man and I feel sorry for his wife and that baby. Look at and focus on the negative stuff about him and not on how he made you feel. This A wouldn't have lasted long, especially now that his wife knows something is up. You don't see it as this yet, but it IS a blessing in diguise! He has to live with himself and his choices, his own misery and selfishness, while you get to heal, and move on with your life.

 

You will be okay, it may just take a bit of time to grieve and let go. Keep posting and stay strong.

Thank you so much. You're so right.

 

I know he isn't worth it and I know all the facts but it is still hard and I feel such an idiot for being fooled for 15 months. He is the one with the lack of self-esteem and insecurities.

 

His wife did not react in the way any normal person would do had they found out their H/W was cheating. This made me sit up and wonder and decide to get out.

 

MM says he will give his marriage another go but I doubt that very much. He obviously 'gets away with cheating' and will continue to do so but not with me. I am adamant this time.

[dumbblonde]

I suspect the anonymous letter is a lie that mm used to slow things down. He probably has oow in the wings.

 

Dumb blonde is a very nice naive highly vulnerable woman that had ow written all over. Cheating mm can recognize this women a mile away.

 

NC is the only answer.

Thank you.

 

Unfortunately the letter isn't a lie. I have since found out who has written it and it was a friend of mine as she could see the turmoil I was in over it all. She has only told me tonight and I have promised I wont tell him who it was.

 

NC is the only way forward and I want to stay strong enough to do this.

[Spark1111]

Thank you.

 

Unfortunately the letter isn't a lie. I have since found out who has written it and it was a friend of mine as she could see the turmoil I was in over it all. She has only told me tonight and I have promised I wont tell him who it was.

 

NC is the only way forward and I want to stay strong enough to do this.

 

I applaud your strength and I hope you maintain it!

 

Unfortunately, if he does not receive any real consequences at home, he may never change his behavior.

 

Often, after DDAY, many a WS goes home for the wrong reasons; they want to maintain the status quo, calm the spouse down, wait for the smoke to settle, and then resume the affair.

 

I can assume he will continue to try and contact you.

 

Maybe the only emotion that will help you is remembering the devastation you felt when you discovered your spouse's affair.

 

I cannot think of a more vulnerable time to discover an affair than when you have just had that first baby and are trying to build the very best family for them.

 

Remember that time? Us two become three and a woman can fall even more in love with her man, his future, his ability to protect and provide for her and her baby.

 

If her reaction is not "normal" I can only assume she is in shock, feels numb, and may feel horribly disillusioned about the happy family future she envisioned with this serial cheater, scared, trapped, and heavily in denial.

 

Remember that, if and when you are tempted to resume contact with him.

[OldOnTheInside]

Dumb blonde is a very nice naive highly vulnerable woman that had ow written all over.

 

Heh.

 

Anyway, here is a little exercise that you may find useful...

 

Think about everything meaningful in your life, every single thing that makes you happy to be alive.

 

Everytime the MM slips into your mind, think about the above instead.

[dumbblonde]

I applaud your strength and I hope you maintain it!

 

Unfortunately, if he does not receive any real consequences at home, he may never change his behavior.

 

Often, after DDAY, many a WS goes home for the wrong reasons; they want to maintain the status quo, calm the spouse down, wait for the smoke to settle, and then resume the affair.

 

I can assume he will continue to try and contact you.

 

Maybe the only emotion that will help you is remembering the devastation you felt when you discovered your spouse's affair.

 

I cannot think of a more vulnerable time to discover an affair than when you have just had that first baby and are trying to build the very best family for them.

 

Remember that time? Us two become three and a woman can fall even more in love with her man, his future, his ability to protect and provide for her and her baby.

 

If her reaction is not "normal" I can only assume she is in shock, feels numb, and may feel horribly disillusioned about the happy family future she envisioned with this serial cheater, scared, trapped, and heavily in denial.

 

Remember that, if and when you are tempted to resume contact with him.

No, he has not had any consquences at all from this letter and in a way I wished he had. I told him that one day his past will all catch up with him and he will deserve all he gets. I truly believe 'every dog gets their day'.

 

I am getting angry and focusing on the negatives just now and it's helping.

 

I know I have done wrong and admit that and I am full of remorse and have been for some time but it's breaking the vicious circle that was difficult.

 

I guess she has just put her head in the sand and is in denial. I often said to MM that his W must suspect something wasn't right as I think all women have intuition that tells them something is going on. Never mind the make up on shirts, the smell of my perfume etc etc. It was intuition that told me my xH was cheating. I had no proof whatsoever but acted on instinct and got rid of him.

 

I am sorry for rambling on but it feels so much better getting all this off my chest as I can't discuss this fully with anyone else as no-one knows the full extent of the A.

 

Many thanks for taking the time to read this and offer your advice and support.

 

I WILL do this NC. I am positive.

[dumbblonde]

Heh.

 

Anyway, here is a little exercise that you may find useful...

 

Think about everything meaningful in your life, every single thing that makes you happy to be alive.

 

Everytime the MM slips into your mind, think about the above instead.

Thank you so much for this.

 

All your advice is helping me see sense and boosting my spirits.

[fooled once]

I know exactly how I felt when I was betrayed and it is the most awful feeling in the world and that's why I feel so awful about the situation I got myself into.

 

Before tossing stones at his wife and her reaction to the letter, remember that she is his wife, and she trusts him and believes in him. He denied you - denied having an affair and lied his behind off to her. So you expect her to start snooping. Why? Because YOU know he is a long term cheater, she doesn't. Like I said, she trusts him and believes him when he scoffs at the notion of an affair and then tells her how much he loves her. They probably had some pretty hot and steaming sex afterwards.

 

Welcome DB. I respect your strength to maintain NC even though he came back fishing. This man is a serial cheater. His sport is having affairs. His drug is having affairs.

 

I disagree, though, "that he committed the crime and you are left to pick up the pieces." Your part and responsibility in this is to yourself. You put yourself in a position to be terribly hurt and you had the knowledge that he was married, and had cheated before. He, of course, is acting all innocent, just like he was before this close call. He doesn't have any reason to act any differently. He is number one in his game. I believe men like this love the drama of sneaking around and manipulating those in their lives. It's all part of the game that they play.

 

Having been on both sides of this you certainly know that the only one who can possibly win this game is MM.

 

I agree!!

[Breezy Trousers]

No, he has not had any consquences at all from this letter and in a way I wished he had. I told him that one day his past will all catch up with him and he will deserve all he gets. I truly believe 'every dog gets their day'..

 

Understood. He sounds like a pathological narcissist or sex addict to me. Something's obviously disordered/sick with this man. If so, I'm sure he's already suffering.

 

But we're in his business. Let's get back to yours ...

 

I am getting angry and focusing on the negatives just now and it's helping.

 

Good! You can use that anger to walk away from this man and stay in no contact.

 

I know I have done wrong and admit that and I am full of remorse and have been for some time but it's breaking the vicious circle that was difficult..

 

Don't beat up on yourself. It's a way of staying stuck. Just be an eager student. Affairs can be a tough curriculum. You've come to the right place.

 

I guess she has just put her head in the sand and is in denial. I often said to MM that his W must suspect something wasn't right as I think all women have intuition that tells them something is going on. Never mind the make up on shirts, the smell of my perfume etc etc.

 

Her reaction is none of your business. You have no proof of any of this.

 

Where did you put your head in the sand and stay in denial? Where did you suspect something wasn't right and ignore things? Those are the real questions here.

 

It was intuition that told me my xH was cheating. I had no proof whatsoever but acted on instinct and got rid of him.

 

So you were lucky. What does your experience have to do with her? Again, why is her reaction any of your business? Why is their marriage any of your business? You can't focus on your own business when you're so focused on their business. Healing will only be found in your own backyard, not theirs.

 

I am sorry for rambling on but it feels so much better getting all this off my chest as I can't discuss this fully with anyone else as no-one knows the full extent of the A.

 

Many thanks for taking the time to read this and offer your advice and support.

 

I WILL do this NC. I am positive.

 

That's the problem with affairs -- they are so isolating!

 

People have given you great advice. Your anger is a legitimate part of the grieving process. It will pass.

 

I think most OW are naive, trusting, easily flattered. I suspect many -- certainly not all ! -- struggle with esteem and codependency issues. If appears to be true for you, then this experience may give you the perfect opportunity to free yourself from that. It can be the biggest gift of your life. If you don't meet this challenge, you will probably meet this man again & again -- different form, same content. Why not save time and just learn the lesson now? We've all been there, Blondie. Keep coming back.

 

P.S. Dumbblonde, you're not dumb. You made a mistake.