Kazmi Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) This is going to be long, please forgive me... My ex and I were together for 1 year... We broke up 4 months ago (end of January) We met a year and half ago, and at the time he had a girlfriend. He was searching for someone to talk to. He told me of how she keeps talking about herself and her family. He respected her deeply though - when we were talking he always kept physical distance and didn't touch me. He kept mentioning his girlfriend - so I won't feel too close to him and get wrong ideas. After a while she broke up with him - they were 5 months together at the time. Possibly because of me, because he talked about me a few times. I was the first person he told about it. He was barely sad, he wasn't content with their relationship. He told me, after we started dating, that he got tired of kissing her after two months, and that the relationship was cold after 3 months. It seemed like he stayed just so he won't hurt her. After three and a half months he asked me out (although he promised himself not to get into other relationships soon), and after a while he fell in love, he said things like "I'm not giving you up" and "You are stuck with me" and thought of our future.... As the time passed I grew into depression - I had college issues, work issues, army issues (girls go to the army here), my parents divorced and my family fell apart, and my boyfriend was hooked to computer games. He was there an entire year, he cried when I cried (and I cried a lot) and still said he won't give up. When he looked at me he just yelled he loves me and gave me big hugs. He picked me up in the middle of the street and flew me around. From time to time he hurt me, because of his gaming obsession (he forgot to meet me, etc). And when he did he started to cry and yell how much he hates himself. He told me that maybe I would be happier without him, he felt like he is the source of my pain. He "broke up" with me a couple of times - something like "maybe you would be better off without me" and I responded "please don't do this to me" and he cried over the phone and said things like "I could never go away". He told me that he feels connected to me too much, emotionally and spiritually. After a few times he "broke up" with me he said that it isn't fair for me anymore. He told me that his mind isn't quiet and he is always scared of hurting me and considers his actions too much through the day, things like "let's call her now, otherwise she might get hurt, even though I don't have time to talk". We broke up two times for real, the first time was sort of half a break up, after that break up I nagged him and was concerned and he acted weird. When he broke up with me I asked him that if I'd take care of myself will he come back, he answered "If you'll be happy I'd run into your arms", I told him I'll go to a psychologist... That weekened after that break up he called me over the phone and cried he wants me to get happier and better already. We met that day and then we got together again, he wanted and I did as well... I was good for a week, but something came up in the army that depressed me... When he talked with me and found out I'm depressed he began saying things like " I just want you to be happy" "I feel weird" "it's unfair for you I keep thinking of leaving you".. He tore my heart that day, again.. He wanted to try more actually, he said that day that he isn't sure if he wants peace of mind or me more... Then he said he would try more... He said he'd put more effort and I told him that I can't live on this feeling of insecurity, with the idea he might just go away soon. He decided to break up. We stopped talking after a week because it was painful for him (that's what he said), during that week he couldn't hold himself a lot he said once or twice that he loves me... I told him at the end that if an oppertuniy would show up he should go and jump on it (maybe I did a mistake by saying that...) and he said he doesn't want anybody else... He wanted to keep talking with me but said it's painful, I told him to talk with me when he can.. He said "it won't take 1 month, maybe 5 months" I told him back "1 month, 5 months, a year or two, as long as you need" he thanked me for being supportive and said "with a little support you will be fine (=he meant I would get out of depression), but I am a wreck" I told him that if he'd be open he can get fine too... We met a few times after the breakup - we live in the same city and we take buses that go in the same directions... Every time we met through the time from the breakup he hugged me tightly and pet me, and pinched my cheeks (like he always did) and called me nicknames. He looked sad, and when he smiled it was weak... He kept saying something weird - "I wish it would be different, but it's not under my control" He looked really sad every time.. I'm going to a psychologist the entire time now, she wanted to give me medicine but I refused and wanted to go through this on my own... Every time I met him it seemed like I can have my chance with him in the future, and that he only waits for me... We barely had contact these 4 months.. I called him once from depression (I felt that he was seeing another girl and it drove me mad) and asked him if was meaningful to him - "yes, of course" and was I important to him "yes, and still are", it was two months ago... He called me back the day afterwards, from concern, we had a 20 mins chat and he was very closed.. Saying things like he is a coward that runs away... And said that same sentence... "I wish it would be different, but it's not under my control" I heard his voice, near the end, he almost cried. The day afterwards I sent him sms, I felt like I need to explain why I called him, I felt like I owe him that... He told me he hasn't been with any other women and that he is sorry he got me messed up... We smsed for a while and he called me nicknames again, and said he hopes that next time we meet I'd be a happier person... Last time we met was in college, the ending ceremony.. He was so happy around me, he kept bugging me and calling me nicknames, and gave me crushing bear hugs... Two weeks ago I sent him a letter I worked on with my psychologist, wanting to give it another chance... (it was a month a half after the last meeting, and believe me I really wanted to talk with him.. I'm not sure how I haven't contacted him more through the entire 4 month, I'm stronger than I thought I was..) He didn't asnwer... 5 days later I went on a bus and met a "friend" of his... After a short chat he told me he returned to his ex... That girl who dumped him because of me.. After two weeks only after we stopped talking.. I held myself, and gave him time to respond, I was hoping he would even respond "No, I hate you", "No, I got another" or I DUNNO WHAT. It drove me mad... I could barely sleep, one day I fell asleep for 3 hours after 60 hours of being awake.. I could barely eat, my body didn't let me eat I wanted to eat and wanted to sleep, but I just couldn't, phsyically.. I lost 3 kilo in a week... I was losing my mind and I felt bad It didn't drove me mad that he got back to her, I think it's a rebound, he seemed weak when we seperated.. But it drove me mad he was lying and didn't face me.. I took my entire courage to send him that mail, I was afraid of his "no", but I did it.. And the whole time I was thinking I may have a a chance he was hugging and kissing and loving another... He didn't wait, and he didn't even honor that same ex enough NOT TO HUG ME. He didn't touch me a year and a half ago and now he can't hold himself. After talking to a few people and my psychologist who told me to sms him because he may have not read the mail and so on.. I sent him yesterday an sms.. "Hi. I was wondering if you got my email?" He answered an hour later - "Yes, but I rather disappear" I called my mom and my psychologist (who wasn't available, sadly) and consulted how to answer... After half an hour, before I even answered he smsed me once more "Im not worthing it chib (=chib is his favourite nickname for me...) how long will it take u to understan?" After a couple of mins more I asnwered "Let's talk tonight through mail, I think it would be easier. If you can't, talk to me when you are ready", he answered that quickly - "I rather not open this topic again and again sry; stay cute though!" I answered him (with my mom help again) "I accept it. Feel free to talk with me whenever you want" He didn't asnwer that I felt like I got closure yesterday, but today I woke up and I miss him.. I'm not even sure why and what is going on.. I don't want anyone else besides him (I never did, even when I was mad at him), even though he did what he did.. I'm not mad at him right now (but slightly disgusted).. What am I going to do with myself? Will he ever return? Why does he act like this?... I'm so confused and nobody is helping me understand anything... I feel lost again... I was perfect yesterday... I'm not sure how he returned to him ex of all people, like he has not self respect.. She dumped him and while they were seperated she dated 4 guys (he is now her 8th boyfriend), turned into a drinker, is one of those people who drive like mad, and they have nothing in common. And when I say nothing I mean NOTHING, seriously. While we were together he really despised her, he thought it's sick how she dated so many men, and when she talked she sounded so vulgar. He could barely believe he dated her. The only thing is that she is mentally healthy, probably.. A lot of people are mentally healthy compared to me... I feel lost, help. Edited June 7, 2011 by Kazmi
Author Kazmi Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Ugh I can't focus on anything.. I forgot to mention I was fine for a month now, before I've been told he has another.. Fine as in functioning - laughing, smiling, optimistic Being able to work, and being able to read books and listen to music without crying... I hate holidays and weekeneds... The toughest times are there, when I got nothing to do.. And I can't keep my mind off him..
Author Kazmi Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Only reading other's posts make me feel better. There are a lot of men here, it's comforting for some reason.. I've always asked myself if women are a lot more sensitive and men get over faster. At least that..
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 89 hits (so far) and not one response...apart from you to yourself.... maybe it's that other than suggesting you go complete No Contact, there's very little anyone can contribute to help. Every time you seek to connect with him - either through him or other people - you just rip the wounds open, again, and again, and again. Read the link in my signature. The Caliguy one. Then go with it. An quit beating yourself up like this. The soul-destroying emotions you are going through now, are entirely self-inflicted. Entirely. Stop. Hurting. Yourself.
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