Author freestyle Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Sometimes you have to let it all out - it was a good post FS When friendships breakdown, it hurts so much, one of the reasons the betrayal of my first husband was so painful; I believed he was my best friend. I'm glad you got the reason for her behaviour, it must be somewhat of a relief, if nothing else. Infidelity - that old gift that keeps giving well said...... You're right it was a relief, TS---after all the time I spent pondering, wondering what I did wrong, for her to do such a drastic 180 on me. Now that I think about it---it's like she was gaslighting me---insinuating that I was the one with the problem---instead of owning up to what she had done behind the scenes. thanks, TS I'm sorry that you went through a betrayal like that as well--I remember reading your story when you first joined---you seem to be in a better place now. Glad to see that you're healing.
AuthenticBliss Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 She took advantage of your friendship and your kindness. I know that hurts. You always want to believe that your friends of all people have your back. It's so disappointing when they let you down. It's also hard when you have the same circle of friends. You can't just move on and forget about them. Eventually, someone will mention their name, and then you're reminded of them and what they did all over again. It sucks.
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 By chance did you miss some of the details of the story? We were all close friends, same social circle. well first off it was damn long. second, the way you worded it, it made it look as if she was having an affair with this married guy with kids. so maybe you can clarify, who was she having the affair with that caused her to blow you off? SHE made a pass at him---he turned her down---he's NOT a POS. again, you need to clarify, you said, "here is where the infidelity comes into play". you said she had an affair, so obviously someone didn't turn her down. too confusing the way you wrote it. There was not an ongoing affair---he put a stop to that BEFORE it went there. so are you meaning it was an EA and he stopped it from becoming a PA? Either way, it was cheating. but again, needs clarification. He was foolish enough to not see that an EA was developing ok, now you are making excuses for him. But he did the right thing, and hightailed it out of there, the moment she came onto him.So yes, she made an attempt to break up a marriage, and help to hurt the wife & kid, but he didn't play along. he did play along up until it started to become physical. I guess there can be some kudos to him for that, but don't try to excuse his behavior saying he was too foolish to see he was engaging in an EA himself. you said there WAS and EA. an EA takes two, not one. if it was an EA, then he willingly participated in it as well. Otherwise it wasn't an EA and it was a case of one person crushing on another. It doesn't make it hurt any less, though..........she was a close friend who I once held in very high regard, someone who many still hold in high regard, because of all the volunteer work she does. She's intelligent, articulate, a regular church -goer who never swore, etc. So frankly, I thought I WAS "hanging out with a 'better' class of people" as you put it......It just turned out that the face she presented to the world, and even to her closest friends, was all an act. She had everyone hoodwinked. And most folks still are.........
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Very classy, did someone p___ in your cornflakes or do you always have all the tact of a drunken sailor? Cripes man. I'm sorry, but is there something I said that wasn't accurate? you think hanging around someone that would try to break up a marriage is hanging around someone with class?
donnamaybe Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 FS, I had no trouble following your post. Your friend had an A that went on and off for awhile, and she finally got out of it after you supported her and listened to her whine about it for WAY too long. Later, she started blowing you off, but you recently found out it was because she was TRYING to start an A with this mutual friend who ended up turning her down, and you chalked it up to her guilt feelings. Right? I only put in the main highlights.
Author freestyle Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 FS, I had no trouble following your post. Your friend had an A that went on and off for awhile, and she finally got out of it after you supported her and listened to her whine about it for WAY too long. Later, she started blowing you off, but you recently found out it was because she was TRYING to start an A with this mutual friend who ended up turning her down, and you chalked it up to her guilt feelings. Right? I only put in the main highlights. And The Queen of Concise strikes again! *tipping my hat* Thank you for the Cliff Notes.......... (because I can ramble like Cliff Clavin sometimes...) the bottom line---she was dishonest with me, based on her shame & guilt,and put me through holy hell, wondering what the hell I'd done wrong. And the new bottom line for me----any one I know who willingly gets into an affair, well, I'll just send them here & sic some of the less diplomatic posters on them. Actually that happened just a year ago with a new female friend.She confessed an affair to me---to which I immediately responded with a very lengthy lecture (who, me?? :p:laugh:) about just how it feels to be in the betrayed party's shoes. I wasn't mean, just very matter-of-fact. (if "A"----> then "B"---->will result in "C".......etc.) Did she listen? No.She's currently sporting a fresh set of tire tracks on her heart. By her own doing. I tried to hold the lantern over the path once---she didn't want to see the light. At least this time I was smart enough not to let her get too close to me...I learned my lesson. I'll be polite when I run into her---but I won't let myself get sucked into self- inflicted drama of that nature again.
What_Next Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry, but is there something I said that wasn't accurate? you think hanging around someone that would try to break up a marriage is hanging around someone with class? Did I accuse you of saying something inaccurate? If you don't know the reason I pointed out your lack of manners and tact then there isn't much point in debating it with you. freestyle you are really better off without this person in your life. Chaulk it up to a life lesson or not I at least have the ability to expression compassion for someone that has been through a painful event. Edited June 8, 2011 by What_Next
Author freestyle Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Did I accuse you of saying something inaccurate? If you don't know the reason I pointed out your lack of manners and tact then there isn't much point in debating it with you. guess the cornflakes were a bit too........salty, again this morning. I will only speak as to my own methods---but I will say that experience has taught me that a hard rain usually doesn't soak in, it runs off the surface, benefiting nothing, and no one.The soil must be receptive, and the rain gentle enough............ Some people "get" that---I think you & I do, What Next---others bulldoze and don't get results. freestyle you are really better off without this person in your life. Chaulk it up to a life lesson or not I at least have the ability to expression compassion for someone that has been through a painful event. and your compassion is appreciated........I'll be okay. Bruised, but wiser.And I'm healthy enough to wish her no ill---I truly hope she gets better.She's not evil----just very messed up.
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Did I accuse you of saying something inaccurate? If you don't know the reason I pointed out your lack of manners and tact then there isn't much point in debating it with you. there was no lack of manners to freestyle. I advised her simply that she shouldn't want to hang out with someone like that in the first place. My comment was a "lack of manners" to this so-called friend of hers, not freestyle. she doesn't need a friend like that. ya, not much point in debating it with me since you didn't understand in the first place.
What_Next Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 there was no lack of manners to freestyle. There sure as heck was and I wasn't the only person that picked up on that. Honestly your posts are pretty much all abrupt and rude. So be it, that is your choice to act that way. The whole atmosphere around here lately has been quite negative and it's too bad, this place is a community and it has really went downhill lately. Oh well, I guess I should be careful expressing my opinion or I might get moderated again....
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) There sure as heck was really? and just what was it? Insinuating her so-called friend is not a "better class of people"? what was so rude to tell her she needs to hang around a better class of people? that was a poke at her so-called friend. I would expect you to be smart enough to realize that. Edited June 8, 2011 by Memphis Raines
Author freestyle Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 We all view things through our own individual baggage-colored glasses. MR--actually, you did come across to me as abrupt and somewhat condescending when you 'advised' me to "hang around with a better class of people". The subtext I heard in that--- was that you were holding me partially responsible,as if I was 'hanging out with lowlifes' and that I was stupid for doing so. That's how I read it. When you first posted that, you had missed the detail that I was unaware of what had happened behind the scenes.As far as I knew,(AT THAT TIME) I was hanging out with a woman who I was proud to call a friend. I even used to brag about her to others, for all of the volunteer work she did around the globe.She came across as the local version of Mother Theresa. Your remark made it sound as if I was fraternizing on Skid Row.So yes, my initial reaction was to be mildly offended--but I chalked it up to you not having all of the facts. I don't know whether that was your intention or not--perhaps you don't consider how you may be coming across to others.All the same, I absolutely respect your right to voice your opinion. Either way--- I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't your intention to be insulting. If you were coming from an angle of sincerely wishing to help me, however, I will let you know that I'm more likely to acknowledge & listen to someone who addresses me in the same manner in which they would prefer to be addressed.
What_Next Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Fantastic post freestyle, very well put. A little less blunt than I had put it, but the same sentiment. As I had said, tact, or lack there of. , some have it, some don't.
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 We all view things through our own individual baggage-colored glasses. MR--actually, you did come across to me as abrupt and somewhat condescending when you 'advised' me to "hang around with a better class of people". well that was not my intent. the intent was to get you to see that she wasn't a classy person, and you deserve to be around better. The subtext I heard in that--- was that you were holding me partially responsible,as if I was 'hanging out with lowlifes' and that I was stupid for doing so. That's how I read it. my apologies, as that is not how I meant it. It was a poke at her, not you. Your remark made it sound as if I was fraternizing on Skid Row.So yes, my initial reaction was to be mildly offended--but I chalked it up to you not having all of the facts. well the "facts" were hidden in there somewhere. wasn't clear.
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Fantastic post freestyle, very well put. A little less blunt than I had put it, but the same sentiment. As I had said, tact, or lack there of. , some have it, some don't. nope, you just took one little sentence, misunderstood, and got your panties in a bunch over it.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Hang around a better class of people.Amazing that this one little quote can snowball into something much larger.
What_Next Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 nope, you just took one little sentence, misunderstood, and got your panties in a bunch over it. Your posting style speaks for itself. Resorting to cheap insults shows your level of intellect and lack of manners. That stands alone all by itself. At least you had the courtesy to explain the comment to freestyle. For that I'll give you credit. Anyway, this nonsense has detracted from freestyles OP and I don't want to continue to do that, so I'll leave it as is.
Author freestyle Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 She took advantage of your friendship and your kindness. I know that hurts. You always want to believe that your friends of all people have your back. It's so disappointing when they let you down. It's also hard when you have the same circle of friends. You can't just move on and forget about them. Eventually, someone will mention their name, and then you're reminded of them and what they did all over again. It sucks. AB, I appreciate your compassion, and I very much appreciate you pointing out the part of your post that I bolded.Thank you. There is an extra rub, when the social circle is interconnected.That does happen at times when I go out---I'll run into someone who specifically asks me about her, because she hasn't been on the scene. Not only does it trigger the painful memories, but it tests the limits of my capacity for diplomacy.........I'm not one to talk smack about someone publicly, if they aren't present.It doesn't jive with my sense of fair play. So, I come up with vague responses, and leave others to their own speculations......... For the most part she's distanced herself from all of the old crowd, so it's unlikely I'll run into her---but people keep asking me about where she's been.............aaaargh.It's been making a little harder to heal---I keep getting salt in the wound. Sorry about being slow to respond to your post--I inadvertently missed it until today.
Author freestyle Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Memphis Raines---thank you for the apology--this was simply a matter of needing to clarify intent. No worries. And thank you for saying that I deserve better, that was a nice thing to hear. Can we all sit around the campfire and sing "Kum-ba-yah" now? I've got marshmallows.... JUST kidding!!!!!! Thanks to everyone who responded once again---much appreciated. If anyone else has a similar story, please feel free to share it--I personally won't view it as a threadjack--I think I'm finally all talked out about my story. I feel better having gotten it off my chest, and I'll repeat---hope this helps someone else to think twice before they stray, if they haven't already. You risk effing up more than your primary relationship--once you have to keep secrets from your close friends,too--you can no longer be authentic.The web just gets more and more tangled.............
Memphis Raines Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Your posting style speaks for itself. Resorting to cheap insults shows your level of intellect and lack of manners. That stands alone all by itself. ya, and you are cerebrally gifted:rolleyes: At least you had the courtesy to explain the comment to freestyle. For that I'll give you credit. yup, which shows my intent was not to insult her, but to apply her friend's characteristic. So much for the insult Anyway, this nonsense has detracted from freestyles OP and I don't want to continue to do that, so I'll leave it as is. good, seeing as how you started it
Memphis Raines Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Memphis Raines---thank you for the apology--this was simply a matter of needing to clarify intent. No worries. no problem, sorry for the misunderstanding. I was just trying to show that you deserve to be around better people:)
Author freestyle Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 lol you planted yourself in the friendzone so hard its not funny and then you wonder why shes treatin u like **** your both as bad as each other *scratching my head*---Can you explain precisely what you mean by the bolded?
Author freestyle Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 For the record---it was a balanced friendship for the first eight years---we were like sisters. There was equal give & take. We were both there for each other, for years..........It was only in the last two years that she started acting differently. After eight years---I gave her the benefit of the doubt when the cancellations & avoidance began---And it began slowly, I chalked it up to her being stressed, and busy. Once you have established that level of trust with someone, I think it's normal to give them the benefit of the doubt, and believe that they really care. So I didn't see it right away, and it wasn't an overnight change.I just knew she wasn't acting like the friend I'd known & loved. Like I said---I had no cause to question her until she lashed out at me. Your use of the word "friendzone" led me to think that perhaps you thought I was a dude, doing the facade of friendship, while secretly wanting more---(it happens all the time)----So I presumed that's why you were berating me. Nope, I'm NOT a dude, I'm a woman. This was purely a platonic friendship, a sisterhood.So the term friendzone doesn't really apply. This was not about me wanting more than friendship. The main point of posting this story was to show that infidelity can also affect the other relationships in a person's life,not just the primary romantic relationship, once they walk the path of being deceptive.
Author freestyle Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Right by friendzone means you were in an unequal friendship, you allowed her to use you as an emotional tampon someone she could rely on such n such, without having to give much back to you. She always knew that you were ALWAYS there for her so she had you wrapped round her little finger. Gradually when these type of friendships are ****ing deal breakers in the long run. When the ET- emotional tampon realises that the friendzoner (your friend) never really gave a crap about you it was all about her and only her. You get extremely offended confused and buttheart <- (see what i did there), but the reason why your both as bad as each other is. Shes the bitch who kept on leadin you on like a puppy lettin you think she was your friend. and you willingly let yourself be crapped o treated like a bit of poo and then come on here and wonder why? Well now in the future you know not to become the ET and dont become the friendzoner that gets you nowhere. JUST REMEMBER always keep friendships equal. "yes the term friendzone does apply i did never mention any wantin of getting with the person like you are suggesting. " Actually, the first part that I bolded in your quote above, led me to think that's what your implication was. Especially where you said "that gets you nowhere" I still don't believe the term "friendzone" applies in a case like this--the common definition is that it's something that happens between two people when unrequited romantic intentions are happening for only one party---they wait, or get stuck --- in the "friendzone" . If you check some of the urban dictionary sites, that is the common definition . I you wish to disagree with that, so be it. Did the friendship become unbalanced? Certainly. But after years of equality, it was a shock. So, no-- it wasn't me "being led on like a puppy" as you so diplomatically put it. (ahem) Thank you for imparting your sage wisdom, all the same.
donnamaybe Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 "yes the term friendzone does apply i did never mention any wantin of getting with the person like you are suggesting. " Actually, the first part that I bolded in your quote above, led me to think that's what your implication was. Especially where you said "that gets you nowhere" I still don't believe the term "friendzone" applies in a case like this--the common definition is that it's something that happens between two people when unrequited romantic intentions are happening for only one party---they wait, or get stuck --- in the "friendzone" . If you check some of the urban dictionary sites, that is the common definition . I you wish to disagree with that, so be it. Did the friendship become unbalanced? Certainly. But after years of equality, it was a shock. So, no-- it wasn't me "being led on like a puppy" as you so diplomatically put it. (ahem) Thank you for imparting your sage wisdom, all the same. FS, you're right. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend_zone From Wikipedia: The friend zone, or occasionally friendship zone, is a dating term describing a relation in which one partner wants to become intimate sexually while the other prefers to be just friends. It is generally regarded as not a positive development, particularly for a man. The sense is that once this has happened to a relationship, it's difficult to undo, although there are differing views about whether it's possible to escape the friend zone and how this might be accomplished.
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