Collateral Damage From Infidelity

June 7, 2011

I had my heart broken by infidelity.

But not by my partner---or cheating on my part.

I had a best girlfriend for a decade. We shared everything, we were each others' rocks, and sounding boards, as well as dancing buddies. It was a well-balanced friendship--mutual commiseration, as well as sharing lots of fun together.

Back story--when our friendship formed, she was in the role of the OW with a man who had a steady gf of a decade. He'd lied about his status for the first 6 months, before dropping the bomb on her. By that time, she was already in love with him.

For the next 5 years (I know, I know) I was her emotional support system while she struggled with extracting herself from the situation. Back & forth, him promising to leave, only to feed her excuse after excuse about why he couldn't. She went NC on & off with him, but she kept going back.And avoided finding a new, healthier relationship in the meantime.

She finally broke free, permanently, and swore she'd never put herself in that position again.

I supported her throughout, without being judgmental---I hadn't been on the receiving end of infidelity, so I didn't know just how bad it can hurt to be betrayed.( my position has since changed)

Fast forward--about 2 years ago, she started becoming very distant & closed with me. I repeatedly tried to find out what was eating at her, without pressuring her too much (sometimes you just don't feel like talking about your problems, I can respect that)

She started cancelling plans, last-minute, taking FOREVER to return calls, not making plans until the last possible minute, she was always too busy with something else to have time to hang out. (but she was finding time for other friends)(ouch.....)

She became impatient with me when I sought out her support when my SO had an EA--she "got tired of hearing about it, "just break up with him already!!".......

( guess she didn't want to know how it feels to be on the betrayed party's end, looking back in hindsight)

Things came to head 18 months ago....after all of her distancing, and calling me only when she needed to dump on me, I got an angry call from her one night. She laid a major guilt trip on me , accusing me of "not being there for her...." and "how she thought she should be able to count on her 'best friend" to be there for her"....... All because I didn't call her the same day a natural disaster struck in a country where she did volunteer work.I intentionally didn't call, thinking she would want to keep the phone lines free, as she was waiting for news from her connections there. She accused me of "not even thinking about her" when she was actually on my mind the moment I heard about the disaster.

Huh? I tried repeatedly to "be there for her" for the past year, just to have her clam up on me, and avoid me. I was way too stunned at the way she was lashing out at me to even respond intelligently---I was blindsided.

I even beat myself up over it for awhile, thinking that I hadn't been a good enough friend, that I'd been too self-absorbed, etc. Until I sat down and really thought it through, and remembered just how supportive I had been.

We went back & forth for the next few months--the avoidant behavior continued on her part. I tried to discuss how hurt I was feeling , only to be met with blameshifting...."You're just trying to make me feel bad....." "You're just trying to make me feel guilty......" etc. etc. She did finally admit that she'd been too distant, and said she'd try to make up for it....

....only to continue the same behaviors.She got swept up in a whirlwind romance, that had her getting engaged after only two weeks with the guy.She didn't tell me about it until two months later, she was treating me like I was at the bottom of her list of friends........ And she made no effort to have me meet him---I got news of the engagement via email. (and I'm supposedly her best friend.....) That was the last straw for me, I cut off contact. It was one slap in the face too many.

I lost sleep over this friendship, nearly got an ulcer over it----how does someone go from promising to be friends for life, to never having the time to pick up the phone, let alone grab lunch together? With no explanation?

Here's where the infidelity comes into play. After almost a year of being NC with her, I was talking about it with a mutual friend, who also had been very close to her, and had been getting blown off, too. He's a married guy with a young child.

Turns out they'd been having an emotional affair at the time she first began distancing herself from me, 2 years ago. It came to a head when she tried to seduce him physically, and he realized at that moment that he didn't want to screw up his marriage, so he turned her down. They decided not to tell anyone about it, especially me, even though I viewed them both as my two closest friends.

I think the guilt finally got to him---watching me agonize over why she was blowing me off, and lashing out at me, so just a few weeks ago, he told me the truth.

And the light bulb came on, that very moment. All the things that didn't make sense before---in light of the new information suddenly became obvious.

Here she was, beating me up , accusing me of being a bad friend, putting me through emotional hell...............and all the while it was because she was keeping a huge secret from me. She couldn't face me, or be honest with me anymore. Essentially , I was getting punished for her disowned guilt..........seeing me, or communicating with me reminded her of all her swearing up & down that she'd never get involved with an unavailable man again. So, I became associated with those yucky guilt feelings......

.....even though I was none the wiser.Until a few weeks ago.All of that anguish I went through was because she'd been lying to me by omission.

Yep, deception destroys---not just the immediately involved parties. Sometimes there's heavy collateral damage, too.:(

June 7, 2011

Wow. What a story FS.

Well, you can't fault yourself for trying your best to be her friend. Sometimes there is just something that needs repair in a person before they can be that friend back in every sense.

I'm sorry you went through all that.

And for what...?

June 7, 2011

Fair Weather Friend came to mind as I was reading your post. I'm very sorry.

June 7, 2011

Wow. What a story FS.

Well, you can't fault yourself for trying your best to be her friend. Sometimes there is just something that needs repair in a person before they can be that friend back in every sense.

I'm sorry you went through all that.

And for what...?

Thanks for being willing to read the novel I wrote...

and thank you for the support.

This was so painful for me, because I actually value friendships more than romantic relationships---lovers/partners come & go but genuine friendships should stand the test of time, IMO.

This actually hurt me more deeply than being lied to by a partner---this was my best girlfriend, of a DECADE, so it cut right to the bone.

I do realize now, that she is a broken person--and I had no idea how badly.

I guess a few months after my married friend turned her down to work on his marriage, she friended his wife on FB(?!?!?!?).........(he was sweating bullets there for a while--what a mind f*ck on her part......)

So, yeah, she was way more messed up than I ever realized.A case study, who gave every appearance of being a great person....I mean--- she did volunteer work out of the country every year! I used to brag about her, & sing her praises for her selflessness.......Turns out she was bordering on being a bunny boiler.

Now I feel like a chump.:mad:

And you're right, Donna, I shouldn't fault myself for trying to be a good friend. I did nothing wrong. Part of me is beating myself up for not seeing that she was being phony with me---but I'll get over that feeling. It has damaged my capacity for trust, though---so I'm pretty angry about that.

"And for what?"...you said.

Perhaps so she could validate herself by "winning" another woman's man...........all the while not noticing the available guys who were interested in her.I watched her turn down great guy after great guy........*shaking my head sadly* I dunno.

Hopefully my story can help someone else---I'm fairly sure I'm not the only person this has happened to.

June 7, 2011

Thanks for being willing to read the novel I wrote...

and thank you for the support.

This was so painful for me, because I actually value friendships more than romantic relationships---lovers/partners come & go but genuine friendships should stand the test of time, IMO.

This actually hurt me more deeply than being lied to by a partner---this was my best girlfriend, of a DECADE, so it cut right to the bone.

When you've spent that much time with a person and gotten involved in their life to the degree you did (when SHE needed YOU), I'm sure it's very painful to find it all seems to mean nothing to that other person.

I do realize now, that she is a broken person--and I had no idea how badly.
I guess a few months after my married friend turned her down to work on his marriage, she friended his wife on FB(?!?!?!?).........(he was sweating bullets there for a while--what a mind f*ck on her part......)

What a horrible thing for her to do! My gawd!

So, yeah, she was way more messed up than I ever realized.A case study, who gave every appearance of being a great person....I mean--- she did volunteer work out of the country every year! I used to brag about her, & sing her praises for her selflessness.......Turns out she was bordering on being a bunny boiler.

Yeah, but sometimes people do that stuff so they can say "See? See all the wonderful, selfless things I do? Aren't I a great person?"

Now I feel like a chump.:mad:

And you're right, Donna, I shouldn't fault myself for trying to be a good friend. I did nothing wrong. Part of me is beating myself up for not seeing that she was being phony with me---but I'll get over that feeling. It has damaged my capacity for trust, though---so I'm pretty angry about that.

Well, we all live and learn. Some of that learning comes at a cost. I always say a person like that "chips away at my soul." You'll get past it though, and you'll trust again. You'll just be smarter at it.

"And for what?"...you said.

Perhaps so she could validate herself by "winning" another woman's man...........all the while not noticing the available guys who were interested in her.I watched her turn down great guy after great guy........*shaking my head sadly* I dunno.

Hopefully my story can help someone else---I'm fairly sure I'm not the only person this has happened to.

There are all sorts of people here on LS. I'm sure your story will resonate with someone and will either shake them out of their position of being the void filler for an undeserving party, or they'll reminisce on a situation and have an "AHA" moment.

June 7, 2011

Fair Weather Friend came to mind as I was reading your post. I'm very sorry.

Fair weather friend is right----except she had "best friend" expectations of me, even though she wasn't holding up her end of the friendship.

The icing on the cake for me,was her accusing ME of "not being a good friend":rolleyes::rolleyes:

I really, really thought we were truly close, and diehard friends for life. After ten years of friendship, you'd think you could put stock in that....I trusted her implicitly.

That's why it took me so long to really see what was happening---I kept buying her excuses for being unavailable, or flaking out on plans at the last minute, and it never even occurred to me to question her......

(ironically the same thing a lot of BS's experience--it doesn't even occur to you to question someone with whom you've had established trust for years...it doesn't even come to mind)

until she lashed out at me that evening. Then slowly, the blinders started coming off........

At least I finally have the truth now.........

June 7, 2011

Damn! she beat you up for her actions. Having been on the receiving end, watching others pick up the pieces and find a new normal was hard to deal with too. Collateral damage sounds about right.

June 7, 2011

When you've spent that much time with a person and gotten involved in their life to the degree you did (when SHE needed YOU), I'm sure it's very painful to find it all seems to mean nothing to that other person.

Yep, basically, I ended up feeling like I was disposable....

What a horrible thing for her to do! My gawd! Fortunately, nothing happened from that---I think she might have been trying to indirectly threaten him, though, when I think about it. Their marriage was rocky at the time, so that would've probably ended it.I'm so glad he came to his senses before he crossed the point of no return.The rejection must've pissed her off.

Yeah, but sometimes people do that stuff so they can say "See? See all the wonderful, selfless things I do? Aren't I a great person?"

You're right--I'm starting to see that more & more...A lot of volunteer organizations have members who are either trying to present a completely false face of being good & helpful(when they are truly weasels in human skin)--OR--they think that doing some good deeds will somehow provide a counterbalance for their misdeeds. I believe my former friend falls into the latter category. I think she felt genuine guilt----just not enough to inspire her to alter her behavior.

I don't mean to knock everyone who does that kind of work, and it's great that the work gets done----I've just come to realize that not everyone's motivations are truly altruistic.
(I better shut up about that now, it could launch a whole 'nother off-topic debate about altruism---a thread in itself..)

Well, we all live and learn. Some of that learning comes at a cost. I always say a person like that "chips away at my soul." You'll get past it though, and you'll trust again. You'll just be smarter at it.

Thanks for the vote of confidence---it's hard to see that right now, but this is all fairly fresh for me, I just learned the truth a few weeks ago. Definitely a bit wiser now........

There are all sorts of people here on LS. I'm sure your story will resonate with someone and will either shake them out of their position of being the void filler for an undeserving party, or they'll reminisce on a situation and have an "AHA" moment.

This was partially my motivation for writing the story out--hoping it will help someone else. I know I've been helped by posts here before.My understanding of infidelity when I first joined LS was very limited.....I have much more insight now.

I also think that this aspect of infidelity doesn't get the spotlight nearly enough here---how is everyone else affected by it? It DOES affect friends, extended family, and especially the children---it's NOT just the immediate parties.

(the other part of my motivation was just really needing to get this off my chest, it's been eating at me, & due to the dynamics & social connections, I can't discuss it with anyone IRL.Even as angry as I am with her, I'm not going to drag her name through the mud in our extended social circle..........and I wouldn't do anything to sabotage her current relationship. Even after all of this, I wish her no ill---she's someone I loved and cared for deeply for too long. I just can't have her in my life ever again.)

answers in bold..........

.......and thanks, again Donna. Maybe this story will be an "A-HAH!" moment for some.

June 7, 2011

I lost a friend recently to this kind of stuff and there is really nothing you can do about it.

June 7, 2011

I lost a friend recently to this kind of stuff and there is really nothing you can do about it.

I remember, Wogs---I posted in your thread about it. It really does suck--and you're right there is nothing you can do.........

like my signature says."you can lead a horse to water...."

I'm sorry you've lost your friend over this, I know it hurts, deeply.

But I think we're both better off. I think we get to a point in life where we need to be on the same page with our friends, morally---otherwise there's gonna be friction.

Hope your Memorial Day party went well.

June 7, 2011

freestyle your story repeats itself all too often I am afraid. Friendships end over cheating either as a direct result or an indirect result.

My wife lost touch with many of her friends during her affair as well. In the immeadiate aftemath of D-day I was so angry that I blamed that on the fact that she didn't want to get caught, after reflection though I realize that it was largely due to shame and embarassment. She has since re-gained contact with many of them thankfully.

The impact of cheating is like a bomb going off in one's life more often than not. It is so sad.

June 7, 2011

Hi Freestyle,

I know how difficult It is to lose a good friend through no fault of your own…it happened to me many many years ago and I still struggle sometimes with female freindships because of it to this day.

What this sounds like to me is a lot of projection. She can’t face the facts of what she’s done, what she did, who she is…so to make herself feel better she pointed out everything that was wrong with you. Someone did this to me once, going on about everything I should be doing differently, everything that was wrong with me, etc. It made me feel like crap, and I kept thinking, where did I go wrong? One day I brought it up with my therapist she was like, “Holy Projection!” After she explained, it made so much sense…by pointing out all the ways I was lacking, it made her feel better. A cowardly way to gain an ego boost.

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

June 7, 2011

Whoa! Honestly, she did you a favor.

I know someone that disengages every single time she is dating a new dude. Never there for any one! The minute that she gets dumped, she starts calling and expecting for people to drop what they are doing to be her crying shoulder. GTFO!

FS- this person 'trusted' you but in reality she is not to be trusted. Can you really call her a 'friend'?

Trust me, I lost many friends due to my xH's A... It sucks but think about it this way- You get to see people for their true colors and sort out who your real friends are. Be well!

June 7, 2011

Damn! she beat you up for her actions. Having been on the receiving end, watching others pick up the pieces and find a new normal was hard to deal with too. Collateral damage sounds about right.

In a nutshell. What's worse, is that I spent time beating mySELF up over the friendship being damaged, wondering what I'd done wrong....

1. Next time pay attention to the red flags.
2. Women categorize men and lovers or friends. You were always a friend.
3. She was always OW material.

that turned out to be the case.

freestyle your story repeats itself all too often I am afraid. Friendships end over cheating either as a direct result or an indirect result.

My wife lost touch with many of her friends during her affair as well. In the immeadiate aftemath of D-day I was so angry that I blamed that on the fact that she didn't want to get caught, after reflection though I realize that it was largely due to shame and embarassment. She has since re-gained contact with many of them thankfully.

The impact of cheating is like a bomb going off in one's life more often than not. It is so sad.

well said. Thanks for your input. I think shame & embarassment were definitely a variable in my scenario as well.

Hi Freestyle,

I know how difficult It is to lose a good friend through no fault of your own…it happened to me many many years ago and I still struggle sometimes with female freindships because of it to this day.

What this sounds like to me is a lot of projection. She can’t face the facts of what she’s done, what she did, who she is…so to make herself feel better she pointed out everything that was wrong with you. Someone did this to me once, going on about everything I should be doing differently, everything that was wrong with me, etc. It made me feel like crap, and I kept thinking, where did I go wrong? One day I brought it up with my therapist she was like, “Holy Projection!” After she explained, it made so much sense…by pointing out all the ways I was lacking, it made her feel better. A cowardly way to gain an ego boost.

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

Thanks, Bittersweetie, & I'm sorry you went through that as well. There are people who project their own faults onto those closest to them, partly for an ego boost, and partly because they just can't face their own faults.(so they create a 'scapegoat" to carry their 'sins') I think in my case, it was more her not being able to face me because of her guilt, so she started to "paint the devil horns on me" ( to quote Spark111) so she wouldn't have to feel as bad about avoiding me. She started rewriting history......"Disowned Guilt" at work in this case, is my theory. Much in the same fashion a WS will demonize his/her spouse to deflect their own guilt, or even justify their behaviors. Blameshifting 101.

Whoa! Honestly, she did you a favor.
I know someone that disengages every single time she is dating a new dude. Never there for any one! The minute that she gets dumped, she starts calling and expecting for people to drop what they are doing to be her crying shoulder. GTFO!

FS- this person 'trusted' you but in reality she is not to be trusted. Can you really call her a 'friend'?

Trust me, I lost many friends due to my xH's A... It sucks but think about it this way- You get to see people for their true colors and sort out who your real friends are. Be well!

Thanks Mimo! No, I quit calling her a friend almost a year ago, and went NC. I finally gave up fighting to preserve the friendship. What's fresh for me, is that I just found out the REAL reason for her distancing--she was trying to break up a mutual friend's marriage. So, now I'm hopping mad.All along I've been beating myself up..........

Oddly enough, she wasn't the type of girlfriend who'd disappear any time she had a new guy (I've had a few of those in my life, too.I know the type........) We'd been thick & thin for years..........so I was really caught off guard by her disappearing acts that started two years ago. It was all about her keeping that secret from me. When the fiance came into the picture last year, now I'm presuming that she didn't want me to get to know him, because I knew too much about her previous history as an OW. So, I got tossed on the scrap heap............

What's that saying? No good deed goes unpunished?

June 7, 2011

Here's where the infidelity comes into play. After almost a year of being NC with her, I was talking about it with a mutual friend, who also had been very close to her, and had been getting blown off, too. He's a married guy with a young child.

Turns out they'd been having an emotional affair at the time she first began distancing herself from me, 2 years ago.

I wouldn't sweat losing her as a friend. She, along with the POS married man, is helping to hurt a wife and kids. Therefore she is a POS herself whom you shouldn't want anything to do with.

Hang around a better class of people.

June 7, 2011

I wouldn't sweat losing her as a friend. She, along with the POS married man, is helping to hurt a wife and kids. Therefore she is a POS herself whom you shouldn't want anything to do with.

Hang around a better class of people.

By chance did you miss some of the details of the story?

We were all close friends, same social circle.

SHE made a pass at him---he turned her down---he's NOT a POS. There was not an ongoing affair---he put a stop to that BEFORE it went there.

He was foolish enough to not see that an EA was developing---and yes, there are some people who think it it's normal for male/female friends to share close communication as friends. She's the one who read more into it, and made a play for him. He was completely caught off-guard.

But he did the right thing, and hightailed it out of there, the moment she came onto him.So yes, she made an attempt to break up a marriage, and help to hurt the wife & kid, but he didn't play along.

Yes, she is a POS, and yes, I'm better off without her.....She's been out of my life entirely for nearly a year.

It doesn't make it hurt any less, though..........she was a close friend who I once held in very high regard, someone who many still hold in high regard, because of all the volunteer work she does. She's intelligent, articulate, a regular church -goer who never swore, etc.

So frankly, I thought I WAS "hanging out with a 'better' class of people" as you put it......It just turned out that the face she presented to the world, and even to her closest friends, was all an act. She had everyone hoodwinked. And most folks still are.........

June 7, 2011

By chance did you miss some of the details of the story?

Well, it was pretty long...

Think about it this way: life goes on. What we want to happen in life, and what actually happens in life can be two very different things. At the end of the day, you have to just accept those differences and move on because there is little else you can do.

I think in your case you should remember the good times you had with this friend but understand why the friendship had to end as well.

My 2¢.

June 7, 2011

Hang around a better class of people.

Very classy, did someone p___ in your cornflakes or do you always have all the tact of a drunken sailor?

Cripes man.

June 7, 2011

Well, it was pretty long...

I know, I know:o(and thanks for taking the time to read it)....sometimes you have to present a backstory first, with all the nuances, to paint a clear picture. Otherwise, a lot of meaning can be lost , or misconstrued.Especially in a convoluted situation like this was.

Think about it this way: life goes on. What we want to happen in life, and what actually happens in life can be two very different things. At the end of the day, you have to just accept those differences and move on because there is little else you can do.

I think in your case you should remember the good times you had with this friend but understand why the friendship had to end as well.

My 2¢.

Thank you for the wisdom. I'll even give you a whole nickel......

I do remember the good times, but a lot of it's tinged with bitterness now.

So many things that didn't make sense before---suddenly DID make sense, once I found out the truth. I'll be processing the anger for awhile, before I can get all the way through the grieving process.

Like I said in a previous response---I'm hoping my story might help to turn someone away from the path of infidelity, whether they're a WS, or an AP.

Or maybe it will help someone in the same situation I was--suddenly wondering if their best friend had been replaced by a Pod Person From Planet X in the middle of the night. ........Maybe it will shine a light, & keep themselves from beating themselves up over a friend acting flaky.......There is a chance that it's not anything *you* (general you) did wrong---it might be that your friend is not who you thought they were.

June 8, 2011

How did you come to the conclusion that you lost this friend because of infidelity?

Because I'm reading something else

June 8, 2011

Freestyle, you sound like a helluva friend. Anyone would be lucky to have you as one. Simply put: her loss.

June 8, 2011

What happened to you is actually very common among friends of the opposite sex especially for guys. Ever break up with girl who claims that you can still be friends. Things are great for a while. Then later she gets a new boyfriend and becomes more and more distant from you. She finally calls to tell you that it would be best if you didn't talk to her or call her anymore. Then she excludes you from her friends list completely. Yep. I've been there. What women mean when they say "friends" is for you to be available to them when they need you. When they need favors from you like fixing their car or helping them move furniture or being their designated chauffeur. To hear them bitch and cry about their jerk of a boyfriend whom they can't seem to stop having wild sex with. What kind of friendship is that? TOO MUCH WORK. If this is what it means to be friends with a chick I'll pass. Let companions of the same sex pick up that slack not you. Chicks with baggage do not make good girlfriends or friends in general. The only chick you should be interested in making your friend is your life long partner or spouse. Do not make the same mistake again please.

June 8, 2011

Sometimes you have to let it all out - it was a good post FS

When friendships breakdown, it hurts so much, one of the reasons the betrayal of my first husband was so painful; I believed he was my best friend.

I'm glad you got the reason for her behaviour, it must be somewhat of a relief, if nothing else.

Infidelity - that old gift that keeps giving

June 8, 2011

Freestyle, you sound like a helluva friend. Anyone would be lucky to have you as one. Simply put: her loss.

Well thank you very much StarChick---that was a very kind & gracious thing to say.

I'm not a perfect friend, I have plenty of my own flaws & annoying personality aspects, same as anybody (I've been known to burst out into song spontaneously..) (which some people like, and some people hate...)

but I'm loyal to a fault.

You're right, it was her loss. I was always there for her---she was on the VERY short list of people in my life who can call me at three a.m., and I will immediately put my shoes on, and be out the door, if I'm needed.No questions asked..I'll just be there.

June 8, 2011

What happened to you is actually very common among friends of the opposite sex especially for guys. Ever break up with girl who claims that you can still be friends. Things are great for a while. Then later she gets a new boyfriend and becomes more and more distant from you. She finally calls to tell you that it would be best if you didn't talk to her or call her anymore. Then she excludes you from her friends list completely. Yep. I've been there. What women mean when they say "friends" is for you to be available to them when they need you. When they need favors from you like fixing their car or helping them move furniture or being their designated chauffeur. To hear them bitch and cry about their jerk of a boyfriend whom they can't seem to stop having wild sex with. What kind of friendship is that? TOO MUCH WORK. If this is what it means to be friends with a chick I'll pass. Let companions of the same sex pick up that slack not you. Chicks with baggage do not make good girlfriends or friends in general. The only chick you should be interested in making your friend is your life long partner or spouse. Do not make the same mistake again please.

ummmm---we weren't friends of the opposite sex. I guess I didn't state my gender in the OP, but I presumed it would be gleaned from context that I am actually a woman.......... (whoops......).

Had your post been directed to a man in this position, it would have some validity. You have some good points regarding opposite sex friendships (and yes, there are many women who keep collections of ex boyfriends on hand like an army of worker monkeys---*thanks Carhill, for that vivid analogy, BTW *)

but that's not what the intention of this thread was. My main point of this thread was to point out that the deception required to engage in infidelity can also damage close friendships..Sometimes permanently.

but thank you, anyways.

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