jonny78 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I quite often want to yell at my ex, tell her what she did to me, how it affected my life... tell her how much i hate her and think she is a bad person. Though I know that nothing I say would ever change what happened, nor would she ever beable to comprehend what she really did to me even if I spelt it out... I know NC is all about me, but I'm just curious, does NC say more than nasty words ever could?
GreenPolicy Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I know NC is all about me, but I'm just curious, does NC say more than nasty words ever could? Yes it does.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Oh yeah... Being a girl... I know. I HATE it, absolutely HATE HATE HATE when I'm ignored. Never getting a reply when you want to apologize, never having closure, being left with guilt that can conusme you, never knowing if that person forgives you or not, whether they even really care anymore... whew. It sucks... especially for good people. Your mind is left to wonder what horrible things they think about you, and trust me... insecurities come up with some serious demons to battle. NC is definitely more about you when used for the right reason... but yeah for those who utilize anger and abuse the power of silence, it can also be a form of punishment.
marqueemoon4 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 NC used by dumpers hurts, there is no way around it. But, really what else is there? Being strung along?
Author jonny78 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Oh yeah... Being a girl... I know. I HATE it, absolutely HATE HATE HATE when I'm ignored. Never getting a reply when you want to apologize, never having closure, being left with guilt that can conusme you, never knowing if that person forgives you or not, whether they even really care anymore... whew. It sucks... especially for good people. Your mind is left to wonder what horrible things they think about you, and trust me... insecurities come up with some serious demons to battle. NC is definitely more about you when used for the right reason... but yeah for those who utilize anger and abuse the power of silence, it can also be a form of punishment. This response really helped answer my question, thanks. My ex cheated on me and left me for one of my friends... I have been strict NC since. I only ever seen her once since, which she broke down and cried in front of me yet I still didn't say a word... So you think keeping NC is the best revenge? Even though I know it's not about that... Feel quite guilty I suppose, but why should I? If we spoke all I'd do is yell... And that would release some of her guilt too wouldn't it?
radiodarcy Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 pretty much. i know my ex is a glutton for punishment. he loves to paint himself as the victim even when he's the one in the wrong. since he was the one who dumped me i'm sure he would welcome me screaming and yelling at him as he stood there - - head bowed - - taking the abuse. no way am i letting him off that easy. silence is the best antidote. but revenge isn't my motive for maintaining NC -- it's just a perk i really do want to get to the point where i'm simply indifferent to him and he no longer has the power to control my moods....
Author jonny78 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 As do I, as do I - my ex also portrays herself as the victim and everybody buys into it... How!? I do not know. But I also think the abuse would be playing into her hands. I hope my silence speaks my hatrid for her instead of words... I don't think anybody else in her life has ever wrote her off like I have, she may be happy, but I think deep down it eats away at her, hence why she broke down when I ignored her when I saw her 4 months into NC. I just get wound up sometimes and want her to know what I feel, though I know no contact really is the best thing, just helps to hear peoples opinions.
giuliano-3 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Starting to feel guilty because NC was supposed to be all about my recovery but now realize its hurting my ex as well. She called last night for the first time in almost 6 months, left a message which I could tell she fought back tears to leave. I want to call her back. I'm believing less and less about the "breadcrumbs" theory, less and less that NC is whats right for me. She f'ed up big time but feels real honest shame/guilt over what she did. Can it be so wrong for us to have contact at least just to build a lasting friendship? I miss our conversations, miss the sound of her voice, miss our companionship. I need her in my life, and I honestly understand and empathize with why she did what she did. I don't want to hurt her anymore, I don't want to make her feel guilty anymore and I definitely don't want to lose her forever. She is a wonderful person deep down and needs my support to realize her potential in this life. If I can help her move on then what's the harm in that? I know I'm taking a risk in doing it, know that I might get sucked in again, but its a risk I'm willing to take for inner peace.
melenkurion Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I quite often want to yell at my ex, tell her what she did to me, how it affected my life... tell her how much i hate her and think she is a bad person. Though I know that nothing I say would ever change what happened, nor would she ever beable to comprehend what she really did to me even if I spelt it out... I know NC is all about me, but I'm just curious, does NC say more than nasty words ever could? Oh, I quite understand the wanting to yell and scream. It's very human, to want to be heard. However, you have it exactly right when you say "nor would she ever be able to comprehend what she really did to me even if I spelt it out...". All she'd hear would be the yelling, and she'd feel perfectly justified in what she did. Radio silence is for your own benefit most of all, just as you say. Any words you say, they'd come out wrong, she wouldn't hear them. As a side-effect, your silence gives her the message that you are the one that matters now. That she is no longer the priority in your own life, you are.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Starting to feel guilty because NC was supposed to be all about my recovery but now realize its hurting my ex as well. That's her problem, not yours. NC isn't meant to hurt anyone, it's designed to heal. But If she's hurting, it's because she realises what she did was worng. That's not on you, that's her going through everything in her own mind. And that's Ok. She called last night for the first time in almost 6 months, left a message which I could tell she fought back tears to leave. I want to call her back. I'm believing less and less about the "breadcrumbs" theory, less and less that NC is whats right for me. Get this through your mind: She was tearful because she was feeling sorry for herself, and nursing her own pain. Sure, she may be sorry for what she did, but only because some of the pain has rebounded. Not because she's remorseful... she may have been sorry to have hurt you, but she's more sorry its' hurting her. And NC has brought her to this realisation. That you're stronger than she thought. She f'ed up big time but feels real honest shame/guilt over what she did. Can it be so wrong for us to have contact at least just to build a lasting friendship? I miss our conversations, miss the sound of her voice, miss our companionship. I need her in my life, and I honestly understand and empathize with why she did what she did. Righjt now? Yes, it's wrong. You don't 'Need' her in your life. if you still feel you need her, you are not over this, and you're just going to cultivate more pain for yourself. Can you picture her, in a bed, naked, writhing passionately with another guy, making love to him, crying out with pleasure - and just think, "meh...."? If not - if it's painful to think in those terms - if it hurts you to 'see' her with another man in that way - then no. You are not ready. I don't want to hurt her anymore, I don't want to make her feel guilty anymore YOU are not doing any of those things. This isn't on you. It's on her. If she feels this way, it's because she has concluded this. But it's self-pity, not a desire to connect with you on an emotional level. She doesn't want to try again. She doesn't want to have a second chance. She wants you to relieve her guilt and tell her that whatever she did, it's ok, and you are not hurt by it. That way, she will stop feeling bad about feeling bad. and I definitely don't want to lose her forever. She is a wonderful person deep down and needs my support to realize her potential in this life. No she doesn't. She wants validation for her own self-pity. She wants to know that if she wants you as an option, you will be there for her to use and lean on. You have lost her forever, when it comes to the romance and when she meets up with a new guy, and gets what she wants and dneeds form THAT Mr Right - you will once more fade into the background. What, you see yourself in a retirement home, still holding her hand when you're old and grey? Really? No way, no how. If I can help her move on then what's the harm in that? I know I'm taking a risk in doing it, know that I might get sucked in again, but its a risk I'm willing to take for inner peace. If that happens, then you don't risk inner peace. Inner peace is what you had before she rang you. That's all out of the window now. There is no more Inner Peace, because she has invaded your space, and shattered that already. The fact you're debating this, means that already, she has put your well-being at risk. It's not about her moving on. It's about you moving on. Her ego is dented because she has realised you actually coped ok with this on your own. you get sucked in again, and everything she did will have been worth the while. You get sucked in again, and it will all have been for nothing.
Exit Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Just write a letter venting everything you would like to say to them. Then throw it in the trash when you are done, or burn it, and try to say goodbye to those feelings.
melenkurion Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 A I don't think anybody else in her life has ever wrote her off like I have, My ex was always dismissive of his previous exes who were in some cases very keen to remain in his life. He was pretty contemptuous of some of them, and yet I could tell it gave him quite a kick to know that they still wanted him in their lives. I'm the first person in his life to have totally, deliberately vanished on him. In my weaker moments, I like to think that sent him a very powerful message. Of course, I then get cross with myself for caring about what he thinks.
giuliano-3 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Thanks for that, TaraMaiden. I should probably listen to the females on LS more than I have been. You're all probably right about my ex (and me as well). Oh well, I'll just start up NC again now that she didn't answer my call last night. It doesn't burn me up anymore to think of her with another man, I don't think of her sexually unless I fall into a negative and depressed place. The thing that hurts is the possibility of her simply and truly not caring about my well being. That, at times, is almost too much to bear. NC was probably working on many levels for me, I just didn't want to see how worthwhile it was. I made myself believe she was fighting to get me back in her life when all it really was, in fact, was her trying to feel better about herself. I think you're right, it had nothing to do with me. It was a moment of weakness for her. And so, I will not be calling back. I will not be writing back. I should probably go ahead and block her number as well. Just be done with it all. Bugger friendship. She honestly doesn't deserve it.
kcahs Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 If they never gave a damn about you to begin with NC makes no difference as they could care less if they heard from you or not. In other words, if they could care less while in the relationship, why would they care now? The best thing to do is move on and be HAPPY, HEALTHY, SUCCESSFUL and NC now that's a better form the NC scenario.
Karala Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 My ex was always dismissive of his previous exes who were in some cases very keen to remain in his life. He was pretty contemptuous of some of them, and yet I could tell it gave him quite a kick to know that they still wanted him in their lives. I'm the first person in his life to have totally, deliberately vanished on him. In my weaker moments, I like to think that sent him a very powerful message. Of course, I then get cross with myself for caring about what he thinks. lol, I know how you feel. My ex only had/has one other ex, it seems that she never quite got over him (it's been 4 years and it seems that she's still pining after him ), she chased him for quite some time, kept sending him e-mails, wanting to meet up with him to talk things through, sending him messages on his birthday. She made a total mess of herself even though my ex bf and I had been together for months and were deep in love. One time she even (most probably drunk-) dialed him late at night and left a message sobbing and professing her undying love for him, after about a year through our relationship!! Every time he would mention her he would have this slightly condescending tone of voice but you could also sense the ego kick he got from it. I have to say I get quite an ego kick myself about thinking I will NEVER be that girl in his eyes. lol.
Karala Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 That's her problem, not yours. NC isn't meant to hurt anyone, it's designed to heal. But If she's hurting, it's because she realises what she did was worng. That's not on you, that's her going through everything in her own mind. And that's Ok. Get this through your mind: She was tearful because she was feeling sorry for herself, and nursing her own pain. Sure, she may be sorry for what she did, but only because some of the pain has rebounded. Not because she's remorseful... she may have been sorry to have hurt you, but she's more sorry its' hurting her. And NC has brought her to this realisation. That you're stronger than she thought. Righjt now? Yes, it's wrong. You don't 'Need' her in your life. if you still feel you need her, you are not over this, and you're just going to cultivate more pain for yourself. Can you picture her, in a bed, naked, writhing passionately with another guy, making love to him, crying out with pleasure - and just think, "meh...."? If not - if it's painful to think in those terms - if it hurts you to 'see' her with another man in that way - then no. You are not ready. YOU are not doing any of those things. This isn't on you. It's on her. If she feels this way, it's because she has concluded this. But it's self-pity, not a desire to connect with you on an emotional level. She doesn't want to try again. She doesn't want to have a second chance. She wants you to relieve her guilt and tell her that whatever she did, it's ok, and you are not hurt by it. That way, she will stop feeling bad about feeling bad. . No she doesn't. She wants validation for her own self-pity. She wants to know that if she wants you as an option, you will be there for her to use and lean on. You have lost her forever, when it comes to the romance and when she meets up with a new guy, and gets what she wants and dneeds form THAT Mr Right - you will once more fade into the background. What, you see yourself in a retirement home, still holding her hand when you're old and grey? Really? No way, no how. If that happens, then you don't risk inner peace. Inner peace is what you had before she rang you. That's all out of the window now. There is no more Inner Peace, because she has invaded your space, and shattered that already. The fact you're debating this, means that already, she has put your well-being at risk. It's not about her moving on. It's about you moving on. Her ego is dented because she has realised you actually coped ok with this on your own. you get sucked in again, and everything she did will have been worth the while. You get sucked in again, and it will all have been for nothing. lol, TaraMaiden, I love how utterly merciless you're being! Totally agree with you though!
Author jonny78 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 That's her problem, not yours. NC isn't meant to hurt anyone, it's designed to heal. But If she's hurting, it's because she realises what she did was worng. That's not on you, that's her going through everything in her own mind. And that's Ok. Get this through your mind: She was tearful because she was feeling sorry for herself, and nursing her own pain. Sure, she may be sorry for what she did, but only because some of the pain has rebounded. Not because she's remorseful... she may have been sorry to have hurt you, but she's more sorry its' hurting her. And NC has brought her to this realisation. That you're stronger than she thought. Righjt now? Yes, it's wrong. You don't 'Need' her in your life. if you still feel you need her, you are not over this, and you're just going to cultivate more pain for yourself. Can you picture her, in a bed, naked, writhing passionately with another guy, making love to him, crying out with pleasure - and just think, "meh...."? If not - if it's painful to think in those terms - if it hurts you to 'see' her with another man in that way - then no. You are not ready. YOU are not doing any of those things. This isn't on you. It's on her. If she feels this way, it's because she has concluded this. But it's self-pity, not a desire to connect with you on an emotional level. She doesn't want to try again. She doesn't want to have a second chance. She wants you to relieve her guilt and tell her that whatever she did, it's ok, and you are not hurt by it. That way, she will stop feeling bad about feeling bad. . No she doesn't. She wants validation for her own self-pity. She wants to know that if she wants you as an option, you will be there for her to use and lean on. You have lost her forever, when it comes to the romance and when she meets up with a new guy, and gets what she wants and dneeds form THAT Mr Right - you will once more fade into the background. What, you see yourself in a retirement home, still holding her hand when you're old and grey? Really? No way, no how. If that happens, then you don't risk inner peace. Inner peace is what you had before she rang you. That's all out of the window now. There is no more Inner Peace, because she has invaded your space, and shattered that already. The fact you're debating this, means that already, she has put your well-being at risk. It's not about her moving on. It's about you moving on. Her ego is dented because she has realised you actually coped ok with this on your own. you get sucked in again, and everything she did will have been worth the while. You get sucked in again, and it will all have been for nothing. This post has not only convinced me to enforce my 100% hardcore NC (4 months +) ... But to also take NC to the grave with me. If my ex approaches me on Friday, when I will see my her for the last time at a graduation event ... (I won't say a word... I'll just walk off) You both basically just described my situation. I WILL NOT BREAK NC EVER
Karala Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 This post has not only convinced me to enforce my 100% hardcore NC (4 months +) ... But to also take NC to the grave with me. If my ex approaches me on Friday, when I will see my her for the last time at a graduation event ... (I won't say a word... I'll just walk off) You both basically just described my situation. I WILL NOT BREAK NC EVER Good for you that you're standing firm in your decision :] I agree, TaraMaiden's post is great.
J0N Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I really think that NC does say it all. Especially when you reach the point where any contact between the two (you and ex) will only further damage the relationship you once had. At this point (nearly 9 months since breakup and NC) if she reached out to me, I would be polite and receptive. I would keep the conversation short and sweet. With that said... If she hasn't contacted me by now the odds are slim and zero that I will ever see or hear from her again. I will never reach out to her, she has shown me over the past 9 months that I mean nothing to her, at this point I have nothing to add to whatever is left our relationship (which is now over permanently) so I will remain NC until I am worm food.
Freesia120 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 From some people's posts here I'm able to see that I'm not the only one whose ex decides to play a victim.My Ex has shifted all the blame on me after he shut himself out and suddenly changed how he was communicating with me.It took me a minute or so to realize that he wanted out of the r/ship. He drove me to end the r/ship and he seemed relieved I had done it.He started playing victim when I told him some home truths via a text and now it seems I'm the one on the wrong. I broke the NC after 2 weeks as I needed some sort of closure...I thought I was making progress until he went back to shutting himself out again.I have since gone back to NC and it feels better this time around...I'm sure he thinks I will be contacting him because it's what he's used to....Thank You LS for your posts of inspiration,encouragement,hope and more.Let the Healing begin !!
Sugarkane Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 From some people's posts here I'm able to see that I'm not the only one whose ex decides to play a victim.My Ex has shifted all the blame on me after he shut himself out and suddenly changed how he was communicating with me No way are you the only one, who's ex plays victim. My ex dumped and insulted me by text completely out of the blue, cheated on me and poisoned everyone against me. Yet wouls swear until he's blue in the face that he's the victim.
aiina Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I doubt it says it all, BUT it definitely says much more that whatever I could say (and faster)
Ladyfuzz Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Id love to break no contact to tell him so many nasty things but again they would twist it and make out that they are the victim just like they have been doing for the past 2 weeks, apparently im the monster who broke his heart, yet hes the one who moved on in two days, finished it with me and give me no real reason, and while he is out been happy im sitting confused and upset, still not sure what happened. Its only been 5 days of no contact but i do feel better off, he will be expecting me to break the no contact, because he seems to think i cant live without him as he once said to me. So i believe me staying on no contact will say so much more than any nasty email, because it shows that my world doesnt revolve around him, and he cant have me like he used to, moving on with your life and showing your better off without them will do alot more than some nasty email filled with something you may regret saying.
Nohbody Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) Before the girl I was with left I told her (upon leaving school and getting ready for her move to the country she met her Irishman) "I feel like I've fallen in love with you all over again." Which she apparently interpreted to mean "I fell out of love with you" or "I didn't love you for a while", as she evidenced in her breakup email. Yes. It is much easier to blame someone else for everything than admit your own culpability and *gasp* work on whatever issues need to be addressed. Edited June 10, 2011 by Nohbody
Recommended Posts