If a guy CAN be a player, will he?

[Nexus One]

I just got back from my date with the hot guy I suspected was player!

 

Unless he’s some sort of sociopath and it was all an act, I don’t think he’s a player at all. He got out of a long term relationship several months ago and said he doesn't date much.

 

He was SO nice. He was polite, smart, interesting, and interested in my life as well. He was more interested in getting me to talk about myself than he was into talking about himself, which I’m not used to. My ex’s favorite topic was himself.

 

He was also hotter than I remembered. OMG. I am fanning myself right now—he is SO hot. He told me how beautiful I was a couple of times.

 

That’s the good.

 

The bad: I don’t think he’s interested in me. I think he thinks I’m weird. About 45 minutes into the date he said he had to be up really early for work (he’s not just a musician; he has an actual professional day job) and would have to leave early. Our date was only about an hour and a half.

 

He said if I wanted to do it again to let him know (not very convincing that HE wants to do it again). He also told me where he was playing Friday night, but I think he was just making conversation and being polite (because he really did seem like a nice guy). I worried about him wanting to sleep with me for nothing because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to sleep with me at all. Too bad.

 

Now I'm going to eat cheese. Lots of it.

 

1. He approached you. He asked you out.

 

2. He was more interested in getting me to talk about myself than he was into talking about himself

 

3. He told me how beautiful I was a couple of times.

 

4. He said if I wanted to do it again to let him know.

 

5. He also told me where he was playing Friday night

 

Your conclusion: He's not into me.

 

It's possible that he didn't get the feeling you were reciprocating, hence he left the the option for a second date up to you. Perhaps he wants to know if YOU want it.

 

A problem in modern dating culture is that the guy is expected to be the one who expresses his interest in the woman he's dating in many ways. That by itself is not necessarily a problem, the problem with that for guys is that at no point will they know if the woman has reciprocating feelings UNLESS she expresses them too.

 

If you expressed nothing that gave him the idea that you reciprocate, then leaving the second date as an option to you is his way of finding that out.

Edited June 10, 2011 by Nexus One

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If a guy can easily get lots of hot women, can he be trusted? Will he be faithful? Or maybe my question is this: Why would he be faithful?

 

My gut says no, a loud, resounding NO, he will not be faithful. Call me cynical, but I tend to believe that any guy who has lots of options will take advantage of it. Maybe I’m being unfair and judgmental.

 

Am I right to feel apprehensive and distrustful?

 

 

 

I understand your logic, or at least that you HAVE a thought process, but your assessment is biased by your own experiences both seen and lived.

 

According to your logic, the degree of attractiveness in the males who make up the Jerry Springer guests, would be more similar to that of a "Mr. Universe" competition than what they are.

 

The urge to cheat does not connect directly with appearance. The appearance factors only determine some amount of how easy it will be to cheat once someone is of that mindset.

 

If you could cross reference environments known while growing up with the adult cheaters of today, that's where you'd find the real answers. Those whose role models were cheaters, and/or spouses who weren't strong enough to think anything of it, are the ones most likely to cheat in their own adult lives.

 

But I do give you credit for having had a sensible train of thought, even if it wasn't quite fair.

[Restless_Journeyman]

Studies have shown that much of what determines whether or not a person will cheat is opportunity. Given that, on one level the answer is yes.

 

But I don't think most guys really want to be a "player" that much. Many of us imagine what it would be like and it's an attractive fantasy in a way, but most guys just don't desire that sort of thing enough to go to all of the time and effort that would require.

 

It's tough enough living two lives (public and private) without adding more on top of that. Most guys are happy enough with one woman if she is providing what he needs. What do guys need? Emotional support and physical intimacy. Everything that women do to show that is just a means to that end.

 

Really, we're generally not as stoic and proud as we pretend to be. Guys need you, despite all the drama that can occur. Even the "players" need you on some level or they wouldn't be doing that.

[thatone]

1. He approached you. He asked you out.

 

2. He was more interested in getting me to talk about myself than he was into talking about himself

 

3. He told me how beautiful I was a couple of times.

 

4. He said if I wanted to do it again to let him know.

 

5. He also told me where he was playing Friday night

 

Your conclusion: He's not into me.

 

It's possible that he didn't get the feeling you were reciprocating, hence he left the the option for a second date up to you. Perhaps he wants to know if YOU want it.

 

A problem in modern dating culture is that the guy is expected to be the one who expresses his interest in the woman he's dating in many ways. That by itself is not necessarily a problem, the problem with that for guys is that at no point will they know if the woman has reciprocating feelings UNLESS she expresses them too.

 

If you expressed nothing that gave him the idea that you reciprocate, then leaving the second date as an option to you is his way of finding that out.

 

she doesn't have time to think about him. she's too busy thinking about herself and the imaginary version of him that she's concocted.

[iris219]

she doesn't have time to think about him. she's too busy thinking about herself and the imaginary version of him that she's concocted.

 

Are you this guy’s friend or something? You really seem to be on his side.

 

Why do you accuse me of being so self-absorbed? (And to some extent, who isn’t?) I think insecure would be a better way to describe me. I clearly have trust issues when it comes to dating and it seems that I prefer to convince myself the guy (not just this one) didn’t like me because it’s easier than getting hurt later. This is a problem (my problem).

 

When you meet a woman, don’t you show caution if she does things that give you the crazy vibe? We all judge people. You seem to think I was judging him solely based on how he looked. I wasn’t. There were several aspects of our initial meeting that screamed player. To ignore these would have been stupid. Trusting your gut and your initial reaction to people is one way we function effectively in society.

 

And I’ve learned that he probably is a player, from a friend of a friend who works with him and because he texted after the date supposedly to plan a second date, but he didn’t try to plan a date. Instead, he tried to get me to come to his house very late Friday night. And Sat he pretended to plan a date with me (I had a birthday party to go to first), but, mysteriously, I couldn’t get ahold of him after the party. He then texted at midnight, said his phone died, and invited me over. He’s not even good at being a player. Or maybe this behavior has worked in the past. I’m really not surprised. He seemed nice enough on the first date, but there were still signs that pointed to player. Are you going to say I'm making a big deal out of the above and I should give him another chance?

 

Did you ever even answer the original question?

Edited June 13, 2011 by iris219

[Ruby Slippers]

Instead, he tried to get me to come to his house very late Friday night. And Sat he pretended to plan a date with me (I had a birthday party to go to first), but, mysteriously, I couldn’t get ahold of him after the party. He then texted at midnight, said his phone died, and invited me over. He’s not even good at being a player. Or maybe this behavior has worked in the past.

The last time I was targeted by a hot player, he used similar moves -- lazy and minimal effort following one boring date. He tried to arrange a date at my house as quickly as possible, and he was lazy and transparent in his attempts. He was so attractive that I'm sure his approach works on many women. I have friends who will pick up almost any bait from a really hot guy, it seems to me. But just a hot package and nothing more isn't even close to what I'm interested in.

[Nexus One]

Are you this guy’s friend or something? You really seem to be on his side.

 

FYI thatone and I do not know each other. The fact that he happens to agree with me doesn't have to mean we are friends or know each other. This is after all a discussion forum.

 

Were you born yesterday or something? Just kidding, just kidding.

[iris219]

FYI thatone and I do not know each other. The fact that he happens to agree with me doesn't have to mean we are friends or know each other. This is after all a discussion forum.

 

Were you born yesterday or something? Just kidding, just kidding.

 

I meant was he was friends with the guy I went on a date with.

 

I've really appreciated your advice. You've given sound advice in a non-sarcastic manner, and I agree with much of what you've said. Your last post was very insightful and helpful. I do indeed try to convince myself guys don't really like me and I can be quite stoic. It's unlikely someone could figure me out on a first date without psychic abilities. I'm just not sure how to be more open and less cynical.

[Nexus One]

I meant was he was friends with the guy I went on a date with.

 

My bad, I misinterpreted what you said.

 

I'm just not sure how to be more open and less cynical.

 

The way I go about this in general is that I try to start off with everyone I meet on a positive note, giving everyone a chance and the benefit of the doubt, while at the same time trying to stay realistic.

 

And for everyone I have this mental piggy bank. So every time anyone does something that crosses the line, I then (mentally) throw a coin into their "piggy bank". If anyone ever manages to fill up their piggy bank, I then mentally smash it. At that point I'm done with that person.

 

How do you know the piggy bank is full? When they do something messed up yet again, you then recall their mistakes from the past and then generally get the feeling if their latest f*ck up was the last drop or not. You generally feel when you're done with a person.

 

However, when it comes to potential romantic interests, i.e. women, I've noticed I tend to be a little less tolerant. Why? Well when you're talking about finding a potential life partner, then above else you want to be happy with that person. In my opinion it's everyone's birth right to have a chance at happiness. If a date is showing behavior that indicates they are capable if not motivated to at some point destroy the happiness in the relationship, then that person is not for me. So for my own good I tend to be more vigilant with potential partners than I am with people in general.

 

However, proof and a person's motive are very important to me. Because they are at the basis of truth. So I try to make decisions based on those things. On top of that I also really dislike judging people, for more reasons than I care to list here. Judging people also brings me into a negative mental state in which I have no desire to be in, as I simply want to be happy.

 

Not sure if that helps you with being cynical, but that's roughly the way I approach it.

Edited June 13, 2011 by Nexus One

[iris219]

The way I go about this in general is that I try to start off with everyone I meet on a positive note, giving everyone a chance and the benefit of the doubt, while at the same time trying to stay realistic.

 

And for everyone I have this mental piggy bank. So every time anyone does something that crosses the line, I then (mentally) throw a coin into their "piggy bank". If anyone ever manages to fill up their piggy bank, I then mentally smash it. At that point I'm done with that person.

 

How do you know the piggy bank is full? When they do something messed up yet again, you then recall their mistakes from the past and then generally get the feeling if their latest f*ck up was the last drop or not. You generally feel when you're done with a person.

 

Not sure if that helps you with being cynical, but that's roughly the way I approach it.

 

Yes, I've tried to do the above. And I've let people (my ex specifically) overflow the metaphorical piggy bank.

 

It comes down to the fact that I don't trust myself to choose the right people (because I don't). I'm pretty much convinced that if I like a guy, there's something wrong with him (and there always is). I'm not sure I have the ability to pick an entirely normal guy, so until I figure out how to change this and stop picking the wrong people, my cynicism seems impossible to shake off.

 

The last time I was targeted by a hot player, he used similar moves -- lazy and minimal effort following one boring date. He tried to arrange a date at my house as quickly as possible, and he was lazy and transparent in his attempts. He was so attractive that I'm sure his approach works on many women. I have friends who will pick up almost any bait from a really hot guy, it seems to me. But just a hot package and nothing more isn't even close to what I'm interested in.

 

Yes, that sounds like the guy I went on a date with, though he just texted and acted hurt that I didn't text him back when he texted at midnight on Sat. I guess he sees he'll have to step up his game. Texting a woman in the middle of day is probably the biggest effort he knows how to make or intends to make