welikeincrowds Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 tigressA, I've noticed this as well and the night I met him he seemed too charming: too much eye contact, looking at me too intensely, saying my name too much, more than one kiss on the cheek. It was just a bit much, so I will have to be cautious. Oh, iris... I can't believe you're even contemplating this.
Author iris219 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Yep, that's dead-on player. I think what he's doing is a touch too much, but generally that's the way it goes. Keep in mind that these guys can be very persistent, and very patient. It's all about the chase for them and as soon as it gets boring--as soon as you're 'caught'--they're gone. It could take one night, it could take weeks or even months. So holding off on intimacy with any of them will likely only prolong the inevitable. Yes, this is what I was thinking as well. And some players love the chase, love when the girl doesn't give it up too easily. I had decided to just on the date and see what happens, but now I'm not so sure. Oh, iris... I can't believe you're even contemplating this. I know. I feel the same way. I'm only contemplating it because I live in a town with no single men and I don't date--at all. Desperation and hopelessness will make you do things that are out of character.
welikeincrowds Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I know. I feel the same way. I'm only contemplating it because I live in a town with no single men and I don't date--at all. Desperation and hopelessness will make you do things that are out of character. And you haven't had a guy in a while and he's giving you attention for a change and he is really hot and... ...all of my douchebag detectors are ringing with this guy, but I won't stop you from breaking up your life's monotony. The situation here is like: if I were there at the bar with you, would I make an effort to cockblock? I don't really believe in that. You find yourself not being utterly 'd by him as I would be, yet it's your life, so who am I to tell you no?
Author iris219 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 And you haven't had a guy in a while and he's giving you attention for a change and he is really hot and... ...all of my douchebag detectors are ringing with this guy, but I won't stop you from breaking up your life's monotony. The situation here is like: if I were there at the bar with you, would I make an effort to cockblock? I don't really believe in that. You find yourself not being utterly 'd by him as I would be, yet it's your life, so who am I to tell you no? So you wouldn't try to protect me from this guy if we at the bar together? I'm not totally naive. Yes, he's attractive, and no, I don't meet single men and don't see why I will suddenly start, yet I still thought douchebag immediately. I gave him my number mostly so he'd go away. I kept turning around to roll my eyes at my friend who was sitting next to me. I thought he was so full of it. The fact that he persisted in texting and tried to make plans with me made me reconsider and think that maybe I was being unfair. Going out with him would be a change from sitting at home with my dog and a book, so I figure why not. I have a feeling I'm thinking way more about this than he is, although he did just text to invite me to where he's playing tonight (I'm not going).
TheLawmaker Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Every guy has it in him to be promiscuous. Just look at the high number of men that consume internet pornography, or buy Playboy. The truth is, though, that most guys don't have the ability to be players, so it's just a fantasy to them. To others, though, they have the looks or the skills to be players, so they live the fantasy.
Woggle Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I can be a player and was for a brief time but when I am with a woman she is the only one in my life.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 If your gut tells you he's too good for you, it's probably true. How do you stack up compared to the "hot 24 year olds" that are fawning over him?
lino Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 From what I've seen in real life, some players are like the way they are simply because they enjoy it. However most guys I know of who are real players, are that way because they got seriously f*cked over by a woman in the past. They had nothing but the best intentions and had their faith and trust shattered by an ex serious partner cheating on them or walking out of an engagement/marriage for no reason other than she 'felt like it' None of the above has ever happened to me but if it did I would probably consider being a player. If I put in all that work and she leaves 'just because' then I don't know if I'd have the ability to try do it all again. I would like this to be true. I just read that 4 in 10 men have a cheating gene. I'm not sure how this was discovered or how accurate it is, but it doesn't give me a lot of reassurance. Cheating gene ?!?!?!
Woggle Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 From what I've seen in real life, some players are like the way they are simply because they enjoy it. However most guys I know of who are real players, are that way because they got seriously f*cked over by a woman in the past. They had nothing but the best intentions and had their faith and trust shattered by an ex serious partner cheating on them or walking out of an engagement/marriage for no reason other than she 'felt like it' None of the above has ever happened to me but if it did I would probably consider being a player. If I put in all that work and she leaves 'just because' then I don't know if I'd have the ability to try do it all again. Cheating gene ?!?!?! I agree with this. Most players I have known were hurt badly by a woman in the past.
thatone Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) Why are your responses so sarcastic and condescending? Obviously, I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don’t see anything wrong with being prudent in order to avoid getting hurt. afraid enough to try to create a completely imaginary set of circumstances for someone you don't even know. that and the "cheating gene" thing was hilarious. whoever wrote that should win a prize for utterly and completely worthless journalism, if there is such a thing. prudent isn't the word. it's more like delusional. consider this: the fact is you don't know anything about him. so all of your reading and thinking and analyzing and hypothetical thinking were wasted time, because you STILL don't know anything about him. Edited June 8, 2011 by thatone
Tybalt Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 You have no idea how he is, but you know how you want to act on a date with someone. Stick to who you are and what you want. If it is compatible with what he wants, great. Perhaps you'll have a second date. I behave the same way regardless of the man's "status." The true colors will show and you'll know exactly what to do. Have fun and realize that anyone who is in the entertainment business is a real person who doesn't merit any compromise in your values. If you stick to who you are you have nothing to worry about.
Nexus One Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) If a guy CAN be a player, will he? That differs per guy. I probably could pull it off if I wanted to, but I don't want to walk that path. If a guy can easily get lots of hot women, can he be trusted? Will he be faithful? Depends on his character. According to statistics 50% of all men cheat, so you have a 1 in 2 chance of meeting a decent guy. Or maybe my question is this: Why would he be faithful? I can only speak for myself, but reasons why I don't do it is: 1. I don't want to hurt girls/women. I know guys that make girls cry and then laugh at them, that's just not my style. 2. I want something meaningful, so that includes loyalty from both sides. I want a quality relationship. 3. I value justice and screwing over the person you supposedly love most is not just in my opinion. Besides, why would you risk something that you hold dear? My gut says no, a loud, resounding NO, he will not be faithful. Call me cynical, but I tend to believe that any guy who has lots of options will take advantage of it. Maybe I’m being unfair and judgmental. You can't make that judgement until you actually know the guy, if you would, then that would be prejudice on your side. However, you wouldn't be the first woman to think like this. Almost all women think in terms of "how many options a guy has". The reason for this is probably biological, because women tend to mostly go for guys which look slightly below average in terms of attractiveness (according to a study from okcupid.com). I read an article some time ago that the reason why women do this is because they intuitively fear that a guy would do a "f*ck and run". This intuitive fear stems from prehistoric times. If a woman would get pregnant in that time and the guy would leave after impregnating her, then the chance of survival for the baby would be very low. Hence it's ingrained in women to avoid men who seem to have a lot of options. Edited June 8, 2011 by Nexus One
milkmaterial Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 oh so loud and resounding NO if you like games and dislike commitment, he is the man for you. if youre looking for mr right now and not mr. right, this is the man for you. gotta admit adam levine is just so..hot.
callingyouuu Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I think most guys with enough attractiveness and charisma to be a player do at the very least try it out for a period of time, but many of these people also don't stay players. Perhaps they finally realize what they want in a girl and look to start a relationship, they get tired of the games and the façade (yes...this can happen!), or they just plain grow up. It's a temporary illness for most men, kind of like how lots of very upstanding women have a promiscuous phase. That said, I would trust your instincts on this guy. I didn't know for sure until he threw a 2-AMer in there. This doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't have some fun if you want to, but at least you know what you're getting into. I would like this to be true. I just read that 4 in 10 men have a cheating gene. I'm not sure how this was discovered or how accurate it is, but it doesn't give me a lot of reassurance. As a biology major, I would be highly suspicious if someone were able to find a cheating gene. Genes do exist that are associated with certain personality traits like antisocial behavior, but I'm quite sure that "cheating" isn't well-defined enough or could find enough funding to earn itself rigorous academic research. Nerd rant over.
Wolf18 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 LOL Nexus, most women go for below average attractiveness guys? Maybe the really ugly ones, but the average and especiaally hot women doesn't do that at all. Women know the type of guys they want like guys in bands, rich guys, famous guys, extremely sculpted good looking guys, etc are possible to nab at first, but without giving them lots of leeway they are impossible to keep. Some women tolerate the cheating as its an exchange for having eye candy on your arm , another portion decide to jump from 6 month relationship to 6 month relationship trying to nab a guy like this for good. If something's too good to be true , it is . Further account that a lot "hot men" have no qualms using average looking women for a quick lay, giving these girls the illusion that they are in the same league and never looking at an average guy again!
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 From what I've seen in real life, some players are like the way they are simply because they enjoy it. However most guys I know of who are real players, are that way because they got seriously f*cked over by a woman in the past. They had nothing but the best intentions and had their faith and trust shattered by an ex serious partner cheating on them or walking out of an engagement/marriage for no reason other than she 'felt like it' This is no excuse to abuse another woman. Sorry but I think this is the pathetic excuse that players give as it makes women feel sympathy for them and makes them think he must be a sensitive guy to have been so hurt in the past. Players use their sob-stories to manipulate women. I'd seriously advise any woman who meets the dream guy who tells her about all the awful (or crazy) women in his past who have cheated on him to beware. True players are sociopaths looking to manipulate. I wouldn't fall for these sob stories for one moment.
motive2002 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I think most guys, if they could, would be players.. but not forever. There is a lot of risk involved with sleeping around. STD's aside, there are some bat-sh** crazy women out there. Stalkers, weirdos, pathological liars, druggies, thieves etc... the list goes on. In my experience, women are far more likely to get attached to a guy after sex, especially if it's good sex. And players have a lot of experience in this department. The only plus side to being a player is sexual gratification with a variety of partners. Everything else is a downside. Maybe this guy you met has understood all that and turned that corner.. maybe not. I would take others' advice and tread carefully though.
Author iris219 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) I just got back from my date with the hot guy I suspected was player! Unless he’s some sort of sociopath and it was all an act, I don’t think he’s a player at all. He got out of a long term relationship several months ago and said he doesn't date much. He was SO nice. He was polite, smart, interesting, and interested in my life as well. He was more interested in getting me to talk about myself than he was into talking about himself, which I’m not used to. My ex’s favorite topic was himself. He was also hotter than I remembered. OMG. I am fanning myself right now—he is SO hot. He told me how beautiful I was a couple of times. That’s the good. The bad: I don’t think he’s interested in me. I think he thinks I’m weird. About 45 minutes into the date he said he had to be up really early for work (he’s not just a musician; he has an actual professional day job) and would have to leave early. Our date was only about an hour and a half. He said if I wanted to do it again to let him know (not very convincing that HE wants to do it again). He also told me where he was playing Friday night, but I think he was just making conversation and being polite (because he really did seem like a nice guy). I worried about him wanting to sleep with me for nothing because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to sleep with me at all. Too bad. Now I'm going to eat cheese. Lots of it. Edited June 9, 2011 by iris219
mr.dream merchant Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 If a guy can easily get lots of hot women, can he be trusted? Will he be faithful? Or maybe my question is this: Why would he be faithful? Of course he can, doesn't mean they all will. At the end of the day most guys, even the hot ones want to be with someone they love. My gut says no, a loud, resounding NO, he will not be faithful. Call me cynical, but I tend to believe that any guy who has lots of options will take advantage of it. Maybe I’m being unfair and judgmental. I think it is unfair to say that. Don't deny them the opportunity to have their own feelings because of your judgments. Just because someone is adored doesn't mean they actually like it. In fact I'm sure to most it gets boring after a while. Am I right to feel apprehensive and distrustful? You have the right to feel whatever you're feeling however, while I think it's right to be cautious I don'r think you should entirely rule out someone based on their looks. I've dated many attractive girls who had the world at their feet and more often then not. 1. They did not necessarily hold the same views of themselves as others. And 2. Most of them were just sick of being treated as objects and wanted nothing more than to settle down with a solid fellow. I assure you, men feel the same way. Please listen to this guy lol. And shut all that nonsense up woman. You will contact him for another date and HE WILL LIKE IT. Now please don't go stuff yourself with cheese as you will be unpleasantly constipated the day after. Why are women so insecure when it comes to attractive men?
milkmaterial Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 On the contrary; I'm as, if not more insecure than anyone else. I don't consider myself to be particularly attractive (especially living in LA where you're surrounded by guys who look like they just walked out of a Gucci catalog). I'm by no means anywhere near as successful as my peers or have a doctorate like half my friends. Nevertheless I'd be disappointed if a girl did happen to find me attractive but didn't give me a shot because of some preconceived notion. gosh i dont see any guys walking like a gucci model, but the women..gosh. too many.
milkmaterial Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 LOL Nexus, most women go for below average attractiveness guys? Maybe the really ugly ones, but the average and especiaally hot women doesn't do that at all. Women know the type of guys they want like guys in bands, rich guys, famous guys, extremely sculpted good looking guys, etc are possible to nab at first, but without giving them lots of leeway they are impossible to keep. Some women tolerate the cheating as its an exchange for having eye candy on your arm , another portion decide to jump from 6 month relationship to 6 month relationship trying to nab a guy like this for good. If something's too good to be true , it is . Further account that a lot "hot men" have no qualms using average looking women for a quick lay, giving these girls the illusion that they are in the same league and never looking at an average guy again! beautiful women dont go for above average or below average in looks, looks has really nothing to do with it to be honest..im just letting you know. maybe if the man has a solid job and can support a family she will go for him, but really has nothing to do with looks. firsthand info , i know a lot of girls (models, etc) they really dont go for "good looking" guys..in fact that might just be a cause for them to run the other direction.
Author iris219 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 You will contact him for another date and HE WILL LIKE IT. Why are women so insecure when it comes to attractive men? I'm insecure about dating, period. I didn't even realize it, but I think it's why I've been avoiding it. We're insecure because it's hard to keep a man interested, attractive or not. (Didn't you just have a post about getting bored after "hitting it?" ) Dating is hard for women! I admit that I misjudged this one guy. You think I should contact him for another date? I thought it was pretty clear he wasn't interested. I felt like he was telling me that I'm a pretty girl, but not for him (which is OK. I'm not for everyone). On the plus side, I arrived first and chatted with the bartender who's new and said he really likes the job because he gets to meet cool people like myself. He continued to be flirty until my date arrived (or he was just trying to get a good tip). Either way, he was adorable and I may have to go back and see him this weekend.
Author iris219 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 I think most guys with enough attractiveness and charisma to be a player do at the very least try it out for a period of time, but many of these people also don't stay players. Perhaps they finally realize what they want in a girl and look to start a relationship, they get tired of the games and the façade (yes...this can happen!), or they just plain grow up. It's a temporary illness for most men, kind of like how lots of very upstanding women have a promiscuous phase. As a biology major, I would be highly suspicious if someone were able to find a cheating gene. Genes do exist that are associated with certain personality traits like antisocial behavior, but I'm quite sure that "cheating" isn't well-defined enough or could find enough funding to earn itself rigorous academic research. Nerd rant over. One of the articles about the "cheating gene" is titled "Study Links Gene Variant in Men to Marital Discord" and it's in The Washington Post for anyone who wants to do a quick Google search. I wasn't sure if we were supposed to provide links to articles here. It's clearly not a gene that controls cheating solely. The term "cheating gene" is sensationalized, but a pattern has been found. I agree that many guys who were players get over the player phase and start to want to a meaningful relationship with one woman. Or, as Nexus One pointed out, some guys just don't have the desire to be players. The guy I went on the date with seemed like a long term relationship kind of guy (from what he told me). So now I have to look at myself and figure out why he didn’t like me. Fun with self reflection.
thatone Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 a) the article is bullsh*t, and no i haven't read it b) you didn't mis-judge him you pre-judged him. to misjudge someone you have to have some information to judge them by to start with
Ouroboros Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 If an unattached man can have sex then he will have sex unless baggage gets in the way.
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