Karala Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Yesterday night I was feeling so exhausted after my breakdown that I talked about in my other post, I thought maybe I could try going to sleep without taking a sleeping pill (I've had insomnia for months now, since the separation) I did manage to go to sleep but then I woke up at 4am feeling this dread. I've had it happen many times for the last few months, but not for a few weeks... It was as bad as ever. Feeling like I couldn't breathe, panicky, about to go insane with pain. I prayed to God to bring me some relief from this desperation. It seems that God heard me, I felt some peace again and managed to go back to sleep... only to have this dream. I've been dreaming of my ex every single night since I last saw him last week. But last night's dream was the worse. I dreamed that we were together again and everything was as it ever was, it was like we never had broken up. He called me my usual petname, we talked about things going on in our life, we hugged and cuddled and just had a great time hanging out together. It was all so vivid. We even had sex (sorry if that's TMI). All the happiness from before, not as distant memories, but as if they were still my day-to-day reality. There's no telling how shattered I felt when I woke up. Just wanted to die. I know I can't wallow in this misery for much longer, I have to find a way out of it, I'm fearing for my sanity. Please tell me I can make it out of this pain and emerge even stronger and happier, however completely broken I feel now. Oh, and to top it off, I woke up to hearing the news from our family dog who has severe heart problems, was taken to the vet and is staying there under observation because he almost fainted again and might need a perfusion. Seems like it's so bad that maybe we won't even be able to take him home again with us. We all love our dog so much but my mom loves him to death especially and I know she'll be torn apart if he dies. It can't happen now, fate can't be that cruel. I only lost my cat (that I'd had for ten years and loved so much) from cancer four months ago. A week before the fallout with my ex. Please give me hope. I'm in a very bad place.
Nohbody Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 That was a rough night, my heart goes out to you. We are all dealing with the crisis of abandonment and unrequited feelings - so know that you are not alone. I woke up at 2 AM myself again last night and reached across the bed for someone who wasn't there. The dread and pain you feel is being felt by many of us. We can get through this if we want to. We can get stuck if we don't. It's up to us to put the broken pieces back together into something better than we were before, and I think you can do it. Good luck.
Author Karala Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Thank you, I feel for you too and any of you out there coping with those feelings of dark despair. Hopefully we'll surprise ourselves. I don't want to end up one miserable lonely self-pitying person. I want to end up stronger and find love again and make it last and be happy at last, and I wish you all the same.
Author Karala Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Just fishing out for any more words of consolation... (might as well be honest about it -_-)
TearyEyedPride Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I think it was a memory, and kinda consolation and affection when your subconscious felt it needed it most. I mean not all the memories with our exes are bad right? It's part of the reason alot of us would like to be back with them. Just use the good emotions you felt from the dream and the memories to help you, instead of focusing on the person in it. You're gonna pull through. I believe in it, God doesn't put us through anymore than we can handle as long as we continue to make strides to get through it. It only makes us stronger.
Author Karala Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I think it was a memory, and kinda consolation and affection when your subconscious felt it needed it most. I mean not all the memories with our exes are bad right? It's part of the reason alot of us would like to be back with them. As low as the lows were, yes, a good majority of the time I spent with him was amazing. Sometimes I wish I was more like some of the people on this board, who hate their ex for doing them wrong, lying or cheating etc... The only wrong my ex ever did to me was being "too" independant and never being eager to plan a future with me. Other than that, we would just talk for hours about anything, laugh like hyenas, have great sex and all the good stuff. And he would always support me through the hard times. Like when my cat had cancer a few months ago and he held my hand as I told the vet to go ahead with the lethal injection. And then stayed with me for days afterwards, massaged my back and wiped my tears. Our dog is not coming home from the vet tonight. It seems clearer and clearer that his days are numbered. My mother will be crushed if he dies. Seriously, that dog is almost like a child to her. And this is not even taking in consideration how much I will be affected too. I can't even begin to picture how it will be like if we have this loss to mourn in addition to what I'm already going through. And knowing how my ex would be there for me if we were still together. How can I ever go through life with him, without him to support me through the hard times. I'm sorry for being so grim but I just feel like dying. I don't know how I can take this. Just use the good emotions you felt from the dream and the memories to help you, instead of focusing on the person in it. The good memories feel too painful, I feel like I'll just go insane if I measure the extent of what I just lost. I feel like I'd like to be the one with a terminal illness, just so that I could call up my ex and spend my last few months with him. Commitment and projecting himself into the future wouldn't be such issues then, would they. Sorry if this is distateful, this is sincerely just how desperate I'm feeling at the moment.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 It's ok to feel hurt, to cry, to be sad, and to even be a little afraid of the future, but it is never ok to feel sorry for yourself. Your heart was broken, but each day you go to bed and wake up, it's another day made... So straighten up... seriously... go ahead and gather all the strength you can muster and believe that you're going to make it because you have to and because you're strong. You can't become an emotional cripple, it's not an option right now. Your mom may need you for hugs coming up here. Loss is inevitable at times, especially with pets. However, with love... time, wisdom, and resiliency mends heartbreak. Stay strong sweetie. You're really gonna be ok.
Author Karala Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks, I really fear that I'm reverting back to the level of emotional maturity I had 10 or 15 years ago... that is, not good... Being afraid to go out for fear of having a panic attack is something I haven't felt for so long, I didn't even think I could feel that way anymore. I actually thought that I was stronger than that and didn't assume it would be that hard... Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought if we would ever be to break up, I would feel horrible about it but also somewhat relieved, but now I am not feeling any of this relief, only the pain of loss. Maybe the sense of relief (about all the hard times we had together and that will never be again) will come later... But for now - it's just all bad... I am trying my best not to feel sorry for myself, but I have to say the despair I'm feeling these days is really testing. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my sad rambling, it really means a lot.
Nohbody Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 You need to cut yourself some slack. This kind of loss is hard to deal with. I've had some real trouble leaving the house, myself (I have my own issues) and I've been pretty cooped up... but i'm not too worried about it. When we're ready to face the world again we'll be ready. don't push yourself harder than you have to, accept what you are feeling and know that it won't last forever.
Author Karala Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks, it's kinda hard to know when I'm doing too much self-pitying and need to force myself out of it, and when I'm being too hard on myself and need to cut myself some slack. Obviously, I overestimated my strenght a little bit (as I told about in the other post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281410/ ) and I probably need to nest a little bit longer. I'm so lucky that I have the opportunity to do it. I know not everyone has it so easy when they have to go through a bad breakup. I so much want to make this breakup a breakthrough, and other corny formulas like that. lol. I so much want to emerge from it victorious, and have the ex regreting his decision someday. I guess I have to face the reality that this day is not happening a few days after saying good-bye. Day 6 NC and counting. The issue with the family dog's illness is a little bit too much, when I was already under so much stress, but I guess I'm just gonna have to use it as incentive to find strenght to be a comfort to my mother and not just a burden.
Author Karala Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Our dog died yesterday. If any of you are pet lovers, you know exactly how all of my family and I feel.
TearyEyedPride Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I'm sorry to hear that sweety. When you feel like you're at the bottom... you can only go up from there.
Author Karala Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Thanks. What's weird is that like I said earlier in this thread, I really thought I would crumble and totally flip is our dog was to die. But now that it happened I find myself holding up really well and being strong for my mom. She's the one who's taking it the hardest, he was her dog, I won't go into the whole story but he basically saved her from depression and alcoholism a few years back. The more suffering and heartache I go through these days (there's another issue I didn't mention on this thread, of one of my best friends' mother who just died of a heart attack), the more love and strenght I find. It's weird. My love for the people around me is really what is keeping me going these days. I need to be there for them, I just do, I can't check out from that.
RuinedLife Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Yesterday night I was feeling so exhausted after my breakdown that I talked about in my other post, I thought maybe I could try going to sleep without taking a sleeping pill (I've had insomnia for months now, since the separation) I did manage to go to sleep but then I woke up at 4am feeling this dread. I've had it happen many times for the last few months, but not for a few weeks... It was as bad as ever. Feeling like I couldn't breathe, panicky, about to go insane with pain. I prayed to God to bring me some relief from this desperation. It seems that God heard me, I felt some peace again and managed to go back to sleep... only to have this dream. I've been dreaming of my ex every single night since I last saw him last week. But last night's dream was the worse. I dreamed that we were together again and everything was as it ever was, it was like we never had broken up. He called me my usual petname, we talked about things going on in our life, we hugged and cuddled and just had a great time hanging out together. It was all so vivid. We even had sex (sorry if that's TMI). All the happiness from before, not as distant memories, but as if they were still my day-to-day reality. There's no telling how shattered I felt when I woke up. Just wanted to die. I know I can't wallow in this misery for much longer, I have to find a way out of it, I'm fearing for my sanity. Sorry I know its been awhile since your first post in this thread, but I can REALLY relate to this. I've had terrible insomnia and disturbed sleep patterns since my break up too and every night I either have horrible nightmares about my ex or else dream that we are still together as happy as ever and wake up in a panic with this horrible sense of dread So I really feel for you. *hugs* I wish we could give each other more comfort but words is all we have so I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, that we can all relate to the pain and the agony of heartache. So next time you feel that way, if it helps try to remember that we're all here to support each other. Here on LS we can share our pain and support each other through the rough times (only with words I know.. but every little helps).
ehl Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Thissounds horrible, I suffer with anxiety up n down really! I had a dream about my ex last night too, its not nice. Its like your subconcious thouhts, I know you've probablyheard it all before but things will get better in time, it may take months or years! Hold on in there stay positive!
wilsonx Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 thank god i havent had a dream about my ex well i havent slept more then 4 hours in the past 3 weeks anyway
Recommended Posts