Pistol pete Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Hello, apologies for the length of this post, but I would like some thoughts if possible. I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We started going out in September 2009 and were together until last week. During this time we had a very loving and happy relationship. During this time, we never had a single argument or disagreement, however I feel we always had trouble raising any problems if we did have any. In september last year, she decided to quit her job as a drama teacher, she wanted to persue her dream of becoming a professional singer. She went to many auditions and was rejected. Although she is a good singer, I don't think she will ever achieve the heights that she thinks she will, however i was always supportive of her decision. In December she finally landed a role in what she believed to be a 'big pantomime', which ended up being a very small touring village panto in which she basically taught the children how to perform. She said she enjoyed it but I could tell she was disappointed. In January this year, after more auditions, she won a role as a 'cabaret singer' in Spain for 6 months. Although I was happy for her, it did start to worry me the fact she would be away for 6 months. However we never really talked about it. A month later we started talking about it, and I asked her, so what happens if you do this for 6 months and then when you get back, you get another job away? I could see the tears start to stream down her face despite her trying to hide it. Obviously I noticed and i comforted her when we got home, telling her that everything would be ok. Once again we didn't talk about it for awhile and put it to one side. However 3 weeks before she was due to leave, she said 'we need to talk', and later she told me that she was having doubts whether we were right for eachother.. she is very social and outgoing and I'm more a laid back, quiter type of guy. During the time we went out, we would usually spend the time together and hardly ever go to parties and stuff with other people, because she thought that I wouldn't want to, but in reality i would have done. After a long talk we decided that we would try to make it work, and that in future we would communicate more about issues we had. We then spent the last 2 weeks before she left together, we were together every day, inseperable.. we went out to parties, stayed over with friends/her brother and did lots of things that we never did before, which I thought showed her that we weren't so different afterall.. i could be involved with her social life. On the last night before she left, she told me, 'thank you so much for not letting me make a massive mistake'. She was out there for a month (Although to this date has done no singing and is instead waitressing and selling sweets during show intervals) with us communicating every day, her telling me how much she missed me, telling everyone out there about me and showing pictures etc to everyone. And even 3 days before I tell you what happened... I know for a fact that she was telling friends that things were going well between us. Last Tuesday, she again suddenly said, 'we need to talk'. She said that she was once again having the doubts she had before, and now that we were so far apart, there was nothing we could do about them. She said she wanted to have a break whilst she was out there, to be on her own.. and that she 'wasn't taking advantage of all the experiences that were open to her out there', she said she didn't expect to get with anyone else, but admitted she had been flirting with someone. She said that we could be apart and then when she gets back, we could spend real time together like before and see how it goes. A few days passed and all I kept thinking about that line about experiencing everything. I mean it could mean a lot of things. So, I told her that I was fine to put things on hold until she got back and then we would see how we both feel about things then, however my deal breaker was that we both remain exclusive to eachother during this time. This showed me where her true intentions really lie. She then said that she wanted to call it a day. She said that she just doesn't think I'm perfect for her because she has had these doubts about us being too different and she wants the opportunity of being with someone else to see if she can find it. She said that she feels she loves me, but she doesn't know if it's enough. I tried to reason with her but obviously, from previous experience, I know that this is not possible. She told me that during her time there, she didn't want to remain friends because it would be too hurtful (I think just to satify her own guilt). She said that when she gets home, if i still feel the same, maybe we can have a chat about things and see how we both feel.. but made it clear that this was not definite.. and insisted that we were not breaking up to get back together again later.. We then both told eachother that we meant a lot to one another and always would. I told her that no matter what happens, I wished her luck in achieving her dream of singing and then that was that. I have not spoken to her since that day, nor do I ever plan to, I will leave it up to her if she ever wants to contact me again.. If she does I will tell her that I want to respect our decision to not be friends whilst she is out there and that If she wanted, I would call her when she gets back home to talk, depending on how I feel at the time. I have blocked her on msn, and although I know she has been on facebook a few times since then, I have deleted our relationship status (whereas she has not) to show that I have started to move on. There are a few points I should add.. She has had emotional problems all her life, she takes some sort of anti-depressant/mood stabiliser drug everyday and has taken a lot of **** in her life about her weight which has made her very unconfident about herself. She once had an issue about her coming to stay at mine more than I was coming to hers, but she couldn't tell me this face to face, she had to write it down in a letter. I was her first ever boyfriend at the age of 25 (will be 27 when she gets home). I can't help but feel that I have been a stepping stone for her... someone to make her feel good about herself and more confident.. and now that she wants to take the opportunity to try for somebody else who may or may not be better. I've decided to make myself feel better by improving myself, start going to gym, join a football team and get some more friends. However at the back of my mind I fear I'm only doing these things so that when she comes back she will see that I'm more outgoing and confident. I know in my heart that it's over and nothing will ever happen in the future, but I'm worried I'm still clinging on to that 1% of hope that there's a chance of reconciling when she gets back home In October. Thoughts on this would be extremely welcome, especially from anyone who has experienced similar. Thanks
superchiefs Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I can totally understand your pain. For me though, my ex remains in my heart even though she broke it. For whatever reason, my heart keeps telling me that she is the girl for me and I have been trying really hard for the past 6 weeks to get her out of there. However, she has told me several times that she needs to find herself, that she loves me, but doesnt know if she is in love with me. She has also said she doesnt know if we have any type of future together or not. So with all that being said, my brain is telling me that everything is over and that there is no chance that I could have a sucessufl relationship with her in the future because who is to say that she wouldnt have these 2nd thoughts several years down the line again. Other similarities are that I was also my ex's first boyfriend and she is also currently 27. We had been together for over 5 years and had planned on getting married. A couple weeks after she told me she no longer wanted to marry me, I also deleted the facebook status and it took her a bit longer to change her's. All I can really say about both of our situations is that they both suck. I am currently working on going NC to do 2 things...show her what her life is like without me in it and to heal myself.
dreamscape123 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 well, firstly , i have to say, that it is amazing how many people seem to be feeling the same as me, or similar at least.. I was my ex g/fs first boyfriend, including in an intimate way... our whole relationship was perfect and very loving.. We talked about getting married and kids in the near future... Like you, she worked away for some of the time for work experience within her uni course... she had been away twice before, and everything was fine when she got back... however she went away again a few weeks back, and after 1 week ended it.... she had suspicions i was cheating on her before, but i was not and thought she believed me.... what makes my pain worse is the fact that within a week or 2 , she has already started going out with some new guy that she met whilst away... I found that out on facebook from a mutual friend... she actually deleted me from msn and FB prior to me finding this out... We never really had any arguments, and what is hard to come to terms with, is how could something so perfect for both of us come to an end so quick, and her go and find someone else so quick.. This is the first full day of NC, although over the last few days i have emailed her telling her my feelings, but with no reply... the inetersting point you made also was that if by some miracle we got back togther, would it happen again...
superchiefs Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 dreamscape, I am not trying to be rude, but if things were perfect for both of you, then she would not have ended the relationship. There were certain things that caused the relationship to not meet her needs. In my situation, my ex should have been vocalizing her thoughts more and I should have been listening better. But instead of communicating this to me, it was easier for her to just cut me out of her life. To me, this shows that my ex was a weak person afraid of any sort of confrontation. If we had ended up married, I would have had to fight all of our battles for us. So in a way, I am probably lucky that this was discovered before we were married because marriage requires couples to support each other, not for one person to support the other one without receiving anything in return. My ex has issues she needs to work out, otherwise she wont be a good spouse for anyone. Of course, this is my brain talking right now. When my heart takes over, then I still want her back because she was such a nice girl.
california15 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 At one point in a previous relationship I was told a similar thing - "I want to be with other people to make sure that I love you and you're who I want." Which I think is BS. I don't need to be with other people to know if I love someone. I love someone because of who they are, the way they make me feel, etc. Not because I got with Bob last night instead. I think you need to do NC and just heal and move on like you've started. Even that 1% of hope is gunna keep you hanging on. Once you accept that its 100% over, you can properly heal, so IF that day of reconciliation comes, it comes as a surprise, not something you were holding your breath for.
Author Pistol pete Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the input guys, I've been reading that this sort of thing happens to people in their early 20s... because they're not mature enough to know what is good and what is bad. Despite the fact she will soon be 27... she is, relationship experience-wise, very immature. I've also had doubts about if anything did happen when she comes home from working... (and isn't with anyone), who is to say she won't do the same thing down the line? And thus I'd be feeling the same as I do now, all over again. Plus, it would be very awkward.. My family now hate her for what she has done, and have already said she would not ever be welcomed back into our home... I don't think anyone would stay with someone for 1.5 years if they didn't think there was a chance of a future. I haven't changed since the first time I met her... A few other things she said before I suggested we remain exclusive, I'll paste: i want to take a break while im here! thats what ive been thnking but im really worried im making the wrong decision its just what my mind is saying to me! see how we feel being single i was always single before youand its weird being back in a non reality world like uni and being with someone that i never see its just i feel bad being on my own and thats not right.i dont want to be with u cause on my own feels bad.i want to be with you because i cant be without u and i dont know which one that is while im with u. im saying i dont know how ill feel when i come back and i dont want you just waiting but i dont know if it for the right reasons unless im on my own i probs dont talk about too much but i have so little self esteme and have been put down and made to feel **** for so long im not sure if i want to be with you becasue you make me feel good or because i cant be without u because i miss u and everything being with u is. its like im stuck because i dont know if i want to stay with you because i love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you or because i love you, u´ve been my first everything and im so used to being with you! because i have no other experience. I have no idea what other relationships are like i feel that i do love you, but i dont know if its enough i just need to be on my own and ok with not having the security that u bring ................... These were the things she was saying before... suddenly after I offered exclusivity.. it was because she wanted the opportunity to kiss someone else, if the opportunity arose, and that couldn't happen if she was still with me... And then she wanted to call it a day. Which makes all of the above actually just bull**** excuses? Edited June 7, 2011 by Pistol pete code
Fedor Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 She wants to find herself. I'm in a similar situation. Been told "I'm not in love with you right now" and "I just got to get this out of my system". It bloody hurts! I didnt help the relationship either by driving her away from me. Thing is, they have issues they need to solve on there own. We cannot fix them. I want to think we can but you will lose everytime. I still think I can change her mind but I'm not acting on it. You just need to take care of yourself. She's in Spain selling candy and you are where you are. Try to enjoy life.
dreamscape123 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 superchiefs - Dont worry, no offence taken. In away , you are probably right... if she had talked to me more about her concerns, then maybe things would have worked out
superchiefs Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 superchiefs - Dont worry, no offence taken. In away , you are probably right... if she had talked to me more about her concerns, then maybe things would have worked out Also, I am by far no expert...but I am seeing a therapist that is suppose to be one. Maintaining NC is very hard. I have just passed the 24 hour mark, I find myself wanting to email her more and more. Luckily, my therapist was available to meet with me later this afternoon, so hopefully he can help me find the strength within myself to continue with NC.
Author Pistol pete Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Something that has helped me during my 4 days of NC.. If you catch yourself thinking about her, think immediately of something else.. I find just trowelling (sp) through these forums helps... and pitch yourself to other metaphorical women.. I'm 6'1, good looking, got my own car, got a job (another interview lined up next week) Joining football team soon, and the gym to try to get ripped, I have my own hobbies and interests and am a fantastic, caring boyfriend and lover. You have to focus on your strengths, and that any girl would be very lucky to have you, one that deserves you. We need to project this image of ourselves to others, when you're in a relationship, you stop bothering. In many ways a break up brings out the best in you. And hell, even if there is a small chance that you speak to an ex again, there's a chance they'll notice this and think, oh ****, this is like the person I first fell for and they may possibly want to talk to you/see you again.. and when they do, you can call the shots. You can either tell them you're not interested or play it out real cool. If they do the asking, you have the power. I just realised I'm posting on my own thread.... I must have done some healing today :s Also something else to add... the situation I have with my ex (above) is very similar to the one I had with my ex before her... She decided we were too different and wanted to break up. Although she never stated it was because she wanted to see other people, she made hints through various facebook posts about random carwash guys etc. Anyways 5-6 months later, I met my current ex and started dating her.. You would not believe the **** I got.. texts, emails.. You've really hurt me, Is she better than me, I can't believe you did this to me, I'm making myself sick etc.. she begged, actually begged, for me to take her back, but I was over her. Too late. It's like they say, they only want what they can't have, especially if someone else has it.
dreamscape123 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Also, I am by far no expert...but I am seeing a therapist that is suppose to be one. Maintaining NC is very hard. I have just passed the 24 hour mark, I find myself wanting to email her more and more. Luckily, my therapist was available to meet with me later this afternoon, so hopefully he can help me find the strength within myself to continue with NC. I hope its going well with you.... NC is just doing my head in right now, I just want to keep telling my ex how i feel about her.. I have already done this, and with no effect, so I guess keeping on at her will do no good, and may push her further into this new guys arms... I know it is for the best to try and accept things, and there is lots of good advice telling people this, but it is so hard when you really love someone, and dont actually want it to be over with them... I am in serious shock too, as i didnt see our break up coming really...
Author Pistol pete Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 It's weird for me, once I knew her true intentions and I made my one and only attempt to reason with her, I knew that there was just no point in contacting her. You just have to stay strong man, I mean I was fine most of today.. but I just got back from the cinema, where I spent the 2nd half of Hangover 2 wanting it to just end so I could go home, couldn't face it. It doesn't help that we ate at the restaurant next door on our first date.. we went to the cinema on our first date.. and then I drove home past the place where we made out for 20 mins on our first date... Truth is, she is probably out there now, somewhere in Spain, doing the same thing with some guitar strumming bohemian. In my case, I just tell myself, if this is true, what kind of person who says that you meant the world to her, would do this less than a week after breaking up with you? A very naive and emotionally immature person, who really (as hard as it is to say) just isn't worth caring about. They always think the grass will be greener elsewhere, but it seldom is actually greener. My ex ex, as mentioned above, is now happy with someone else but even to this day, she still sends me messages now and then to try and find out what I'm doing and sends countless friend requests that I ignored. Even after 2 years now, she still obviously has feelings.
dreamscape123 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I hear you man, the bit about going past places that were big for you and your ex... I have to drive past a little hotel where we went and stayed for a night just for somewhere different to go. It is the last place we ever stayed together and slept with each other.. It was such a great night. A week later she had to go away again on her course, and that was it over.... I have to drive past this place every day, and it is not getting any easier... She is training to be an officer in the merchant navy, and this new guy is someone she met on this latest ship she was on. That ship is still in port near here and i have to see that ship and imagine all the things that went on,onboard...It is f*** ing killing me....
Author Pistol pete Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Yeah I know what you mean, the mind does tend to wander... But when it does and you find yourself thinking about those things, personally it makes me just think less of her. In my situation and I suppose to an extent yours, the fact that she is going away isn't exactly permanent. For me, my ex has gone looking for 'the one' in what can be described as the student sex and booze capital of Europe. She won't find it there, at best, she will find a guy she thinks is hot, or cool.. and then when the holiday job is over, he'll say cheers love, I had fun, but I gotta go back to Wales now, or whatever. And then she'll come home, where all her friends are paired up, she has no job and is alone, and if I'm with someone else..she'll either come sniffing around, or throw herself into the next guy she sees just so she doesn't feel alone. Something else that I've tried... write a list of all the things that you like about her, and the things you didn't. Be 100% totally honest. You might even surprise yourself as to how balanced or unbalanced the lists are.
dreamscape123 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Something else that I've tried... write a list of all the things that you like about her, and the things you didn't. Be 100% totally honest. You might even surprise yourself as to how balanced or unbalanced the lists are.- quote Funny you should say that, but i was thinking only an hour ago , about the pros and cons about our break up....kind of like on a set of scales.... It is amazing actually how many pros i could think of , even stupid things that do add up... I seem to be at the stage where it is always on my mind, but one minute i feel better than take a dip again..... And hey, a lot of women think men are the ones with no feelings eh..... No offense ladys out there..
Author Pistol pete Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Well if I were you, if you have a list... cross off the pro's and just solidly look at the cons and only think about those points. I'm sure there are tons of little things that when you're going out, you overlook. In the mean time, focus on you, make yourself as good a man as you can be.. One that women would not turn down. One that in the future, if you ever see her again, she wouldn't be able to turn down... and if that day ever happens, you can decide to do whatever YOU want. By then, you will most likely have moved on, and even if you haven't totally, you will probably realise that she wasn't as good as you thought she was. I know that's impossible to say now, but trust me, it's happened to me in the past, it's just hard to see past your image you have of her. So get yourself down that gym, get yourself ripped... get out and about, doing stuff, stuff you normally wouldn't do, be confident and see how YOUR life pans out for YOU.
Recommended Posts