Thatguyintx Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I wondered if I am the only who thinks they have changed significantly due to a very broken previous relationship. Let me explain.... I was very secure in my previous relationships. I didn't worry that the relationship would end and was very attentive, without being over the top. And then, I was involved with a woman that really changed me. Since being with her, I have become extremely anxious about relationships. Almost like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop in my new relationships. It's been about 9 months since that 2.5 year on/off relationship ended and, while I am over that relationship, it feels like the anxiety was a left-over gift. Anybody else feel this way? Best way to deal with this?
EyeAlone Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Oh yeah. I ended the 3 year relationship over a year ago yet there's still a lot of negative residue. My ex was very passive-aggressive and his words never fit his behavior so I spent most of my time trying to interpret wtf was going on, if he was mad at me, or if it was something I did... You get the point. I became anxious because I never knew what was going on and where he and I stood in the relationship. Finally I kicked him to the curb and now I'm with a much more dependable and forthcoming guy. However, I still find myself regressing to my previous behavior. I analyze and reanalyze his actions and mentally pick apart things he says to see if there's any hidden meanings. I "see" all these problems when in reality there are none; I'm just imagining them. Yeah, it sucks. I know it's easier said than done but you have to remember that your current SO is not your ex. They are different people so it's very unfair to them if you view them with the same glasses as you did with your ex. It will just end up pushing them away. As hard as it is, you need to let go of your insecurities, trust your SO, and have an attitude that reflects that they're innocent until they're proven guilty.
Author Thatguyintx Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Oh yeah. I ended the 3 year relationship over a year ago yet there's still a lot of negative residue. My ex was very passive-aggressive and his words never fit his behavior so I spent most of my time trying to interpret wtf was going on, if he was mad at me, or if it was something I did... You get the point. I became anxious because I never knew what was going on and where he and I stood in the relationship. Finally I kicked him to the curb and now I'm with a much more dependable and forthcoming guy. However, I still find myself regressing to my previous behavior. I analyze and reanalyze his actions and mentally pick apart things he says to see if there's any hidden meanings. I "see" all these problems when in reality there are none; I'm just imagining them. Yeah, it sucks. I know it's easier said than done but you have to remember that your current SO is not your ex. They are different people so it's very unfair to them if you view them with the same glasses as you did with your ex. It will just end up pushing them away. As hard as it is, you need to let go of your insecurities, trust your SO, and have an attitude that reflects that they're innocent until they're proven guilty. Thanks for the great response. It is very hard to not be guarded with everybody now. It's like I can no longer be naive. As far as the over-analyzing, me too. A friend of mine kept telling me to quit analyzing. I tried to explain that is the same as telling a dog to stop wagging his tail. Ain't gonna happen! Glad to hear you found someone more dependable. Gives others like me hope!
NoReallyThatHappened Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I still do this and I have been divorced since 2006. My exH pretty much shattered any sense of self or trust in relationships. I have struggled through the years since then to feel secure again with anyone. I'm always afraid the person is going to leave, break my heart, or turn into a colossal asshat. In my current R, the guy's exW cheated on him too. So we both have some sense of anxiety about the other one leaving. Needless to say, there is an abundance of reassurance going on in my current relationship from both sides. I personally like having someone who understands why I feel so insecure sometimes. It might be too much for some people though.
tigressA Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Oh yeah. I ended the 3 year relationship over a year ago yet there's still a lot of negative residue. My ex was very passive-aggressive and his words never fit his behavior so I spent most of my time trying to interpret wtf was going on, if he was mad at me, or if it was something I did... You get the point. I became anxious because I never knew what was going on and where he and I stood in the relationship. Finally I kicked him to the curb and now I'm with a much more dependable and forthcoming guy. However, I still find myself regressing to my previous behavior. I analyze and reanalyze his actions and mentally pick apart things he says to see if there's any hidden meanings. I "see" all these problems when in reality there are none; I'm just imagining them. Yeah, it sucks. I know it's easier said than done but you have to remember that your current SO is not your ex. They are different people so it's very unfair to them if you view them with the same glasses as you did with your ex. It will just end up pushing them away. As hard as it is, you need to let go of your insecurities, trust your SO, and have an attitude that reflects that they're innocent until they're proven guilty. This is the same kind of dynamic I'm in, pretty much to the letter. My last relationship left me really broken. It was horrible. I've been in a great relationship of 4 months but I still have trouble not painting my BF with ex's brush. It's even more difficult because they have some parallels that can't be helped, and there were actually a few incidents that played out similarly to incidents with my ex. Though unlike my ex, my BF has willingly done everything to make me feel more secure and see him as trustworthy. Like NoReally, my BF does understand why I'm so insecure and he helps me through it. I know eventually I'm going to have to get past the damage that was done, though.
motive2002 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 The anxiety.. oh man. I know exactly what you mean. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been there, and it has lingered into other relationships. If anything perhaps my post will at least let you know you're not alone in this, for whatever comfort that gives you. The only advice that has ever really helped me, was something a friend of mine once said: "Some people just can't give you peace of mind." It makes sense. It might not be your fault, or theirs, it just works out that way. Sometimes you just don't click. Anxiety in general can be helped through therapy or hypnosis (desensitizing, NLP, CBT etc)... and of course meds, if you're into that sort of thing.
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