ex called crying

[victoriaaa]

so my ex dumped me 4 weeks ago after a deeply troubled relationship. i have since asked a few times if i can have another chance but he said no and wants to be friends. so i went 3 days nc. i left my phone at home last night, when i got back 4 texts and 5 missed calls from him. begging me to come online. he then tells me he is so lonely, depressed etc and hasnt been eating. he says he cant even leave the house and has been crying all day. he suffers form severe anxiety and depression and doesn't work due to it. these issues made the relationship worse. i chatted to him for 5 hours just to calm him down. i know we split up but how can i leave someone in that kind of situation. he asked me twice to come over then he changed his mind. i made him eat and look to the future. he text me at 6am today thanking me so much for helping him and to have a nice day.

 

should i have done this? i dont want to be in the "friend zone" but i couldnt have left him in that state. he knows i want him back. i didnt bring the relationship up last night as he was in a desperate state. but im worried this is all setting me up for a fall and hindering me moving on.

 

or will it make him relaise what he has lost? he says that no one understands him and he has no one. i dont just want to be used as a better than nothing alternative but he seemed so grateful.

[victoriaaa]

hes not a defeatist but i was seriously worried he would do something stupid if i didnt talk to him. he sees therapists and is on a lot of mediacation

[Nohbody]

You can't be responsible for someone else's mental stability, especially if they dumped you. I mean can't as in: not possible. Living with mental illness, myself I can tell you that no one else can be responsible for dealing with it - loved ones can support him, but he needs to do the work himself. If he needs to talk there are crisis lines and suicide hotlines that offer trained counsellors that can offer a good stop-gap between therapy appointments. Do not get sucked into helping someone who is not committed to you - in the end you will suffer.

[victoriaaa]

i just keep thinking maybe he deep down still wants me and misses me, but its like he wont admit it to himself. hes at rock bottom at the moment and i feel maybe he will realise how much i can help him. but its mostly just wishful thinking. i know he misses me, but still doesnt want a relationship. i have told this to his mum, about everything he said to me. she wont say she knows but she can try and help him. and its unfair for me to be having ulterior motives when he is clearly vulnerable. and it has been making me more upset.

 

i have always been a caring person and find it hard to see anyone in distress like this.

[Karala]

I figure, if our exes are ever to regret their decision and find that they can't do without us, it will happen if we stay away and they have to deal with our absence, not if we're all over the place and they see they have us on a string and being there for them even though they let us down.

 

I hope you'll forgive me for saying that it seems a bit selfish from you ex to be using you for emotional support. What about your emotions and suffering?

 

You would have been more than willing to be there for him , if he hadn't decided he didn't want you anymore. He's decided otherwise, don't let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

I know it probably sounds cruel, especially since you seem like a very kind and considerate person. But I'd say you need to take care of yourself now and let him take care of himself. He decided you're not a couple anymore, let him live with the consequences of his decision.

 

As to the hope that your behavior will make him realize what he has lost and change his mind, I wouldn't count on it, first off because he probably already knows your character and kind heart, second because as much as we want to believe that people will see what a great person we are and finally want us, it doesn't seem to be the way things work. If anything, it makes them feel even guiltier and worse about themselves for letting us down (like in "I dumped her and she's still ready to do all this great stuff for me... that makes me even more of the bad guy") and that's not conducive to wanting more of us.

 

I think. Just my two cents.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[radiodarcy]

You can't be responsible for someone else's mental stability, especially if they dumped you. I mean can't as in: not possible. Living with mental illness, myself I can tell you that no one else can be responsible for dealing with it - loved ones can support him, but he needs to do the work himself. If he needs to talk there are crisis lines and suicide hotlines that offer trained counsellors that can offer a good stop-gap between therapy appointments. Do not get sucked into helping someone who is not committed to you - in the end you will suffer.

 

agreed. my ex suffers from depression. he only reached out to me when he was feeling depressed. i would do my best to let him vent, offer a shoulder to cry on, etc. and then once he was better - - *poof* he would disappear and get on with life as usual. until he had another depressive episode - - or wanted to have sex - - but just as friends . i too struggle with depression and being used in that way was incredibly frustrating and upsetting. i had to go back on medication and attend therapy myself for a period of time. eventually i got strong enough to cut him out of my life for good. but it was because i helped *myself* and my ex needs to do the same - - as does yours.

 

my ex has since moved to another woman. but that's his way - - he has a deep fear of confronting his issues and tends to look to relationships with woman as an escape. i'm just glad his issues are no longer mine - -but then- - they never should have been mine in the first place...

[victoriaaa]

yes i am feeling rather used too. i am in fear he will find another woman quickly as he is useless on his own. but then thats up to him i guess and i cannot make him be with me. i have made his mum aware of it all so i hope that she can help him, but its annoying cos he always seems to come to me for everything. but i need to be strong as it keeps bringing me back to square 1

[superchiefs]

so my ex dumped me 4 weeks ago after a deeply troubled relationship. i have since asked a few times if i can have another chance but he said no and wants to be friends. so i went 3 days nc. i left my phone at home last night, when i got back 4 texts and 5 missed calls from him. begging me to come online. he then tells me he is so lonely, depressed etc and hasnt been eating. he says he cant even leave the house and has been crying all day. he suffers form severe anxiety and depression and doesn't work due to it. these issues made the relationship worse. i chatted to him for 5 hours just to calm him down. i know we split up but how can i leave someone in that kind of situation. he asked me twice to come over then he changed his mind. i made him eat and look to the future. he text me at 6am today thanking me so much for helping him and to have a nice day.

 

should i have done this? i dont want to be in the "friend zone" but i couldnt have left him in that state. he knows i want him back. i didnt bring the relationship up last night as he was in a desperate state. but im worried this is all setting me up for a fall and hindering me moving on.

 

or will it make him relaise what he has lost? he says that no one understands him and he has no one. i dont just want to be used as a better than nothing alternative but he seemed so grateful.

 

 

Wow, this sounds exactly like my situation, only I didnt no I was in a troubled relationship because my ex apparently kept all of her thoughts to herself. Then she finally just dumped me. And now she apparently is also acting just like your ex...saying she is lonely, depressed, needs me as a friend, etc... My ex is at least able to hold a job and is still going to work. I had gone no contact for over a week and things were going well for me, but then something came up making it where I had to contact her and I found myself back at day 1 all over again. I am now working on 21 hours of NC. Hopefully this time I can stick to it until she either figures herself out or I get over her.

[stray]

In a situation like this, as hard as it is to be "friends" with him - I would try to be his friend. Simply because...we're all human beings, we all make mistakes, we all get confused and don't know what we want in life, it's a part of growing up. And you may very well in his mind, be "his best friend". But you also need to understand that to be his friend, at least during this current bout of instability he's feeling, you must have no expectations. In fact, if he's that unstable, just assume he's going to continue doing things that will puzzle you and cause you confusion and discomfort. Because it appears he doesn't really know what he's doing. Tell him, you can listen to him, give him advice - when you have time to do so, but that you can't hang out with him right now.

[superchiefs]

i just keep thinking maybe he deep down still wants me and misses me, but its like he wont admit it to himself. hes at rock bottom at the moment and i feel maybe he will realise how much i can help him. but its mostly just wishful thinking. i know he misses me, but still doesnt want a relationship. i have told this to his mum, about everything he said to me. she wont say she knows but she can try and help him. and its unfair for me to be having ulterior motives when he is clearly vulnerable. and it has been making me more upset.

 

i have always been a caring person and find it hard to see anyone in distress like this.

 

 

Once again, I compeltely understand how you feel. My ex's parents want us to be together and unfortunately, her mom has even been making her feel guilty about dumping me instead of supporting her decision. I am a caring person too, but everyone that cares about me has told me that I just need to worry about myself right now. That if I try and just give my ex what she wants and try to just be her friend, I will end up driving myself in to a severe state of depression and craziness.

[Fedor]

That isnt fair to you. He needs to understand that he lost you when he broke your heart.

[superchiefs]

I figure, if our exes are ever to regret their decision and find that they can't do without us, it will happen if we stay away and they have to deal with our absence, not if we're all over the place and they see they have us on a string and being there for them even though they let us down.

 

I hope you'll forgive me for saying that it seems a bit selfish from you ex to be using you for emotional support. What about your emotions and suffering?

 

You would have been more than willing to be there for him , if he hadn't decided he didn't want you anymore. He's decided otherwise, don't let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

I know it probably sounds cruel, especially since you seem like a very kind and considerate person. But I'd say you need to take care of yourself now and let him take care of himself. He decided you're not a couple anymore, let him live with the consequences of his decision.

 

As to the hope that your behavior will make him realize what he has lost and change his mind, I wouldn't count on it, first off because he probably already knows your character and kind heart, second because as much as we want to believe that people will see what a great person we are and finally want us, it doesn't seem to be the way things work. If anything, it makes them feel even guiltier and worse about themselves for letting us down (like in "I dumped her and she's still ready to do all this great stuff for me... that makes me even more of the bad guy") and that's not conducive to wanting more of us.

 

I think. Just my two cents.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

 

 

I think you made a very valid point because my ex pretty said that exact thing a little over a week ago. She said that she dumped me because of problems with herself, but it seems like it is me that has suddenly made all sorts of improvements and it really frustrates her because she has done nothing with herself. However, she made no indication that she wants me back. And so, as many have told me, staying in contact with her isnt working to bring her back to me and it also isnt helping me move on, so the best course of action is to go NC.

[superchiefs]

yes i am feeling rather used too. i am in fear he will find another woman quickly as he is useless on his own. but then thats up to him i guess and i cannot make him be with me. i have made his mum aware of it all so i hope that she can help him, but its annoying cos he always seems to come to me for everything. but i need to be strong as it keeps bringing me back to square 1

 

 

Yes, you need to be strong. When he comes to you and starts to tell you how bad he is feeling, ask him "Why are you telling me this?" Then explain to him that he ended the relationship with you and that you already have told him that you dont want to be friends. This is what I am currently going through and I know it is easier said than done. Right now, I am going on 21 hours of NC after being broken up for 6 weeks. For the past 6 weeks, I have stayed in touch with my ex off and on, however, she has continued to try and push me in to a friend's corner while I have continued to fight it. It has caused things to feel rather toxic from my point of view and I know she has said that she has been frustrated because it seems like I say I dont want to be friends, but then I act like I am her friend sometimes.

[superchiefs]

In a situation like this, as hard as it is to be "friends" with him - I would try to be his friend. Simply because...we're all human beings, we all make mistakes, we all get confused and don't know what we want in life, it's a part of growing up. And you may very well in his mind, be "his best friend". But you also need to understand that to be his friend, at least during this current bout of instability he's feeling, you must have no expectations. In fact, if he's that unstable, just assume he's going to continue doing things that will puzzle you and cause you confusion and discomfort. Because it appears he doesn't really know what he's doing. Tell him, you can listen to him, give him advice - when you have time to do so, but that you can't hang out with him right now.

 

 

I dont think your advice is going to be healthy for her. I think if she follows your advice, she will end up going in to a heavy depression because she will continually want some committment from him and he obviously is in no condition to give it. All she should do is direct him to a therapist and then wash her hands of him unless he gets himself fixed and decides he does want to be in a relationship with her.

[victoriaaa]

I think you made a very valid point because my ex pretty said that exact thing a little over a week ago. She said that she dumped me because of problems with herself, but it seems like it is me that has suddenly made all sorts of improvements and it really frustrates her because she has done nothing with herself. However, she made no indication that she wants me back. And so, as many have told me, staying in contact with her isnt working to bring her back to me and it also isnt helping me move on, so the best course of action is to go NC.

 

superchiefs you are right here. i know we were both to blame in the break up, as i have my own issues too. but he seems a little gutted how i have people around me, family and friends while he has no one really. i also feel possibly if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldnt feel the same. i used to feel like the bad guy but he is very manipulative. he has given me no indication he wants me back. and while im sure he misses me it isnt enough. he contacted me again today complaining about life. he seemed a lot colder and more distant today but then i think thats just his mood. it doesnt make me feel good.and while i want him to be happy, he needs to get help from someone else.

 

i think the only way for me to move on, or for him to reliase what he lost is to go nc for a while. i managed 3 days b4 so i am very proud of myself. he seems to get worried when this happens

[superchiefs]

superchiefs you are right here. i know we were both to blame in the break up, as i have my own issues too. but he seems a little gutted how i have people around me, family and friends while he has no one really. i also feel possibly if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldnt feel the same. i used to feel like the bad guy but he is very manipulative. he has given me no indication he wants me back. and while im sure he misses me it isnt enough. he contacted me again today complaining about life. he seemed a lot colder and more distant today but then i think thats just his mood. it doesnt make me feel good.and while i want him to be happy, he needs to get help from someone else.

 

i think the only way for me to move on, or for him to reliase what he lost is to go nc for a while. i managed 3 days b4 so i am very proud of myself. he seems to get worried when this happens

 

 

3 days isnt bad. As I may have mentioned, I have been broken up for a little over 6 weeks and the longest I have gone has been 9 days. However, when I did get in to contact with her, she seemed to have a lot of hostility with me. Before that, she was just full of sorrow and guilt. I put up with her anger, then the anger turned in to her telling me I was still in her heart but she just didnt want to be in a relationship with anyone right now, so I sent her an email telling her that I couldnt handle all the rejection any more because it made me feel bad. And the last email I sent her yesterday just said "Will you forgive me for all the times I made you feel bad?"

[victoriaaa]

it is always him who breaks the nc. i have not ben strong enough to ignore him yet. he went through the angry phase. now he is going through the sad upset phase. i guess he is trying to deal with it the same as me but he wont even admit it to himself this is why he is like this. it is also hard for him to break the habit of coming to me for support. i would say despite everything i feel more sorry for him than angry as clearly he is suffering more than me. it just hurts that i cant be there for him but i know i cant support him emotionally or financially anymore. i sometimes feel like the whole break up was due to some misplaced anger

[superchiefs]

it is always him who breaks the nc. i have not ben strong enough to ignore him yet. he went through the angry phase. now he is going through the sad upset phase. i guess he is trying to deal with it the same as me but he wont even admit it to himself this is why he is like this. it is also hard for him to break the habit of coming to me for support. i would say despite everything i feel more sorry for him than angry as clearly he is suffering more than me. it just hurts that i cant be there for him but i know i cant support him emotionally or financially anymore. i sometimes feel like the whole break up was due to some misplaced anger

 

 

In my situation, it has been that keeps initiating NC and then it is me that keeps on breaking it. On the first week, I initiated contact after only 2 days and my ex's response was, I thought we were going to take some time apart, I was really looking forward to the break. But instead of me honoring her wishes, I have continued to break the NC and then she has continued to treat me as a friend, then I have told her I dont want to just be friends, and the cycle continues. Right now I am going on 23 hours of NC and it is really hard for me to not email her.

[victoriaaa]

def stick to nc esp as she has asked for space. i need to do the same. at first he was always asking me to leave him alone when i called him, being quite cruel. now for the last 3 weeks it is always him who calls. now its just texts or IM.

 

i think we both know they are know good for us. the trouble is is that its hard to break the attachment.

 

everyone cant believe i am still in contact with him. but i have a heart. he basically lived off my income and left me physically and mentally exhausted. i feel less stressed now but still miss him like crazy and worry about how he is feeling. but like i said before if i was in his situation i am not sure he would feel the same

[superchiefs]

def stick to nc esp as she has asked for space. i need to do the same. at first he was always asking me to leave him alone when i called him, being quite cruel. now for the last 3 weeks it is always him who calls. now its just texts or IM.

 

i think we both know they are know good for us. the trouble is is that its hard to break the attachment.

 

everyone cant believe i am still in contact with him. but i have a heart. he basically lived off my income and left me physically and mentally exhausted. i feel less stressed now but still miss him like crazy and worry about how he is feeling. but like i said before if i was in his situation i am not sure he would feel the same

 

 

Wow, I was just now really close to breaking the NC as I am approaching 24 hours, but instead of sending an email, I called my therapist and scheduled an appointment to meet him today.

 

Yes, my brain tells me to just let her go and move on, but my heart keeps calling for her. Also, a lot of people that I have spoken with just keep telling me to move on because she obviously doesnt want to be with me. I am exhausted from all of this emotionally.

[victoriaaa]

I figure, if our exes are ever to regret their decision and find that they can't do without us, it will happen if we stay away and they have to deal with our absence, not if we're all over the place and they see they have us on a string and being there for them even though they let us down.

 

I hope you'll forgive me for saying that it seems a bit selfish from you ex to be using you for emotional support. What about your emotions and suffering?

 

You would have been more than willing to be there for him , if he hadn't decided he didn't want you anymore. He's decided otherwise, don't let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

I know it probably sounds cruel, especially since you seem like a very kind and considerate person. But I'd say you need to take care of yourself now and let him take care of himself. He decided you're not a couple anymore, let him live with the consequences of his decision.

 

As to the hope that your behavior will make him realize what he has lost and change his mind, I wouldn't count on it, first off because he probably already knows your character and kind heart, second because as much as we want to believe that people will see what a great person we are and finally want us, it doesn't seem to be the way things work. If anything, it makes them feel even guiltier and worse about themselves for letting us down (like in "I dumped her and she's still ready to do all this great stuff for me... that makes me even more of the bad guy") and that's not conducive to wanting more of us.

 

I think. Just my two cents.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

 

 

This is all true. He seems very guilty at the moment, but so wrapped up in himself. he wouldnt feel the same if i was feeling this low. he would always tell me he was busy when i tried calling just after the break up. well, first it was a break, then he finished with me without first having the decency to tell me. blaming me for everything of course and saying some really cruel things. just need to remind myself of the bad things then i can move on. im too sympathetic and sometimes i forget to look after myself first. just out of practice after so long

[victoriaaa]

Wow, I was just now really close to breaking the NC as I am approaching 24 hours, but instead of sending an email, I called my therapist and scheduled an appointment to meet him today.

 

Yes, my brain tells me to just let her go and move on, but my heart keeps calling for her. Also, a lot of people that I have spoken with just keep telling me to move on because she obviously doesnt want to be with me. I am exhausted from all of this emotionally.

 

I too need to see my therapist. I got taken off the list so need to register again. with all the turmoil of this break up i forgot to go to my appointments. while my problems are not as severe as my exes, i do need help with all this. nice that my friends and family listen tho.

[victoriaaa]

In a situation like this, as hard as it is to be "friends" with him - I would try to be his friend. Simply because...we're all human beings, we all make mistakes, we all get confused and don't know what we want in life, it's a part of growing up. And you may very well in his mind, be "his best friend". But you also need to understand that to be his friend, at least during this current bout of instability he's feeling, you must have no expectations. In fact, if he's that unstable, just assume he's going to continue doing things that will puzzle you and cause you confusion and discomfort. Because it appears he doesn't really know what he's doing. Tell him, you can listen to him, give him advice - when you have time to do so, but that you can't hang out with him right now.

 

i have tried doing this but it keeps me feeling hurt. he doesnt know what he is doing youre right. but i need to back off so he realises the consequences of it all. but easier said than done. hopefully he wont put me in this situation again.