Treble Clef Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Hi, I'm new to this forum....there were so many people here with stories and advice so it seemed like a good place to ask for help. I've been in a 2 year LDR (yes, yes, I know...) with my boyfriend, M. We got together a while before I came to the US for college. Seemed like a risky decision but I decided to do it anyway since I had known him for a few years already and used to have a crush on him. He was unlike any other guy I'd dated, and I think he would have been the one. The good times we had were the best times. He was actually the one who inspired me to pursue my goals overseas. I could ask him anything and he'd know what to do/what to say. A few months after getting together something really terrible happened between us and it took away a big chunk of my trust in him. It was the lowest point of my life and the most I'll say is that there was cheating involved. But I was still fired up from the honeymoon phase so I wanted to forgive him for it. And I guess the reality of the things that happened hadn't really sunk in. For one year I thought I was over it and we both were happy. He did everything he could to make up, and I know for a fact that he was sincere. But I just couldn't let go of the past, and eventually I started questioning why I let those things slide. Wondering if I had somehow been tricked into continuing the relationship. I let my negativity poison any attempts at us moving on. Every fight would involve me bringing up his past mistakes and making him feel bad and apologize because of them. I realise I was expecting him to fix everything while I sat back and felt sorry for myself. We were having a fight on Saturday and then he said that he was really hurt by my actions for the past months. He couldn't take it anymore, I'm sorry, good luck, goodbye. Just like that over facebook chat. He wasn't angry or anything, just sounded beaten and hopeless. I tried talking to him today but he said he won't change his decision. Even when I begged him to just put it off till I get home. It'd be easier if we hated each other, but knowing that it was my unforgiving actions that broke him down hurts more than the breaking up. It's my fault for not working harder to sort myself out. I had a loving boyfriend who, while imperfect would have done anything for me, and I pushed him away cos I was too damn selfish. I don't know where to go from here. Of course I want things to go back to how they were. But I'm also wondering if it's better for us to apart since we keep hurting each other. Or if we both need time to sort ourselves out. But if we do that would there be any hope for getting back together? We both invested a lot, that I'm scared of it'll have been for nothing. I don't know if he'll forgive me. We still see each other on facebook. Should I keep talking to try and change his mind, or just hold it back for 2 months till I go home for break? Advice would be good.....and if not, something comforting would really help
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Hi. Let me first say that I fully can relate to your situation, albeit mine involves me girlfriend. Second, and I mean this respectfully, take a step back and breath for a second. Okay. At the base level, I think its important that you be kinder to yourself for a moment. Its very easy to accept blame in a relationship when you care deeply for the other person. While it may be true you overreacted or held things against him, those things he did warranted you being uneasy on some level, so dont totally write off your conduct. I know as a guy, I wish my ex cared about me the way you seem to care about this guy. The best thing to do right now is respect his choice, show him you'll not be afraid to walk away, genuinely improve, and just see what happens. I know that sounds really blase, but the only choice you have right now is how you let this affect you. Make the choice that is going to make you stronger...NC. Accept that you dont know where it will go, and that is okay. Almost everything in life is unexpected. You were probably not expecting to date this guy in the first place, and he came into your life. Whose to say he wont come back? But youll never know unless you let go.
Mileena Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 my boyfriend dumped me today so im probably not the right person for advice but i wouldnt talk to him or try to change his mind. I would let him come to you. If he loves you he will. I know its hard cause i wanna text my ''loser'' and beg ''PLEASE!!!" but that would give them all the power.
OhioLaw1987 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I totally flipped out on my ex-girlfriend when we broke up the first time, and after we broke up the second time. The primary reason was that she was breaking up with me for reasons that ddnt make any sense, and because she had totally violated my trust. But then it occurred to me that its not about what I think about her reasons. her reasons are her reasons. No one has ever come back into a relationship because they "lost the argument." Moreover, your ex knows you love them. You dont need to remind them. In fact, you shouldnt remind them because at this point, they dont need to be reminded. Take this time to consider what you want. I got back together with my ex when neither one of us were ready, and it has been a disaster. I suggest taking some real time, dating someone else. Just live a full and complete life. People come and go, but sometimes they come back too. The thing is, you dont want someone who is only with you because you forced them to be.
Author Treble Clef Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks guys, that made me feel a bit better:) You're right, I should give it some time to see what happens to us. It's going to hurt but I hope things will be ok.
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