Second chance that blew up in my face.

[OhioLaw1987]

If you've read my posts from the end of march....we got back together. Don't ask me why, I am not entirely sure why I ran so fast back into something so toxic. It was really great being back together, but then we left school for the summer and she went back to her home out of state. The first two weeks she was calling me many times a day, saying she loved me, wanted to get married, convinced me to buy a $600 plane ticket to come see her. Suddenly, a few days later, she needed "space." This entailed her not speaking to me for 5 days, despite me sending a single text each day (after the third day) saying "how are things?" Now, the whole space discussion, it was made clear we werent fighting or breaking up. She just was busy. But I still think 5 days of not saying a word to me after all that emotional intensity was a bit odd. It started to make me weary, in light of our past issues. This turned into a big fight, where all the blame was put on my for being "impulsive" and "unstable." We didnt talk for a week. She then called me to tell me she didnt want a relationship, and needed time to work on herself, but that she loved me still and wanted us to work it out in the future. Several days later, she told me she didnt know if she loved me. Then I learned she was going to see an ex-boyfriend in two weeks. She then informed me she is seeing someone else. I got a bit upset, because it felt like i was simply replaced and was a place holder She can date whomever, and do whatever she wants, but it still hurts. She claims now that i am simply not the right man for her. She says she has a significant part of her that still loves me, but that I am just not right, and that its more cruel for her to be with me when I make her unhappy because she thinks im immature (why, i dont know, she refused to explain further). This all occurred in a time frame of two weeks. I then was informed by a mutual friend that she has told people she was never attracted to me, and that I was a mistake. She has told me that if I cannot be there for her as her friend, then I am immature and "full of hate." I got really upset and blew up on her a bit, and she tells me I am a jerk and a dickhead and that she forgives me for it, but that I am just not a good match for her and its all my own doing. I believe the ONLY possible course of action at this point is to do what I should have done from the get go and just really do whatever I can to get this person out of my life. I want brutal honesty from anyone who will give it! Where have i been wrong, is she twisting this on me, and what should I expect in the future?

[69ways]

If you've read my posts from the end of march....we got back together. Don't ask me why, I am not entirely sure why I ran so fast back into something so toxic. It was really great being back together, but then we left school for the summer and she went back to her home out of state. The first two weeks she was calling me many times a day, saying she loved me, wanted to get married, convinced me to buy a $600 plane ticket to come see her. Suddenly, a few days later, she needed "space." This entailed her not speaking to me for 5 days, despite me sending a single text each day (after the third day) saying "how are things?" Now, the whole space discussion, it was made clear we werent fighting or breaking up. She just was busy. But I still think 5 days of not saying a word to me after all that emotional intensity was a bit odd. It started to make me weary, in light of our past issues. This turned into a big fight, where all the blame was put on my for being "impulsive" and "unstable." We didnt talk for a week. She then called me to tell me she didnt want a relationship, and needed time to work on herself, but that she loved me still and wanted us to work it out in the future. Several days later, she told me she didnt know if she loved me. Then I learned she was going to see an ex-boyfriend in two weeks. She then informed me she is seeing someone else. I got a bit upset, because it felt like i was simply replaced and was a place holder She can date whomever, and do whatever she wants, but it still hurts. She claims now that i am simply not the right man for her. She says she has a significant part of her that still loves me, but that I am just not right, and that its more cruel for her to be with me when I make her unhappy because she thinks im immature (why, i dont know, she refused to explain further). This all occurred in a time frame of two weeks. I then was informed by a mutual friend that she has told people she was never attracted to me, and that I was a mistake. She has told me that if I cannot be there for her as her friend, then I am immature and "full of hate." I got really upset and blew up on her a bit, and she tells me I am a jerk and a dickhead and that she forgives me for it, but that I am just not a good match for her and its all my own doing. I believe the ONLY possible course of action at this point is to do what I should have done from the get go and just really do whatever I can to get this person out of my life. I want brutal honesty from anyone who will give it! Where have i been wrong, is she twisting this on me, and what should I expect in the future?

 

One advice and one advice only:

NC

[0hpenelope]

I'm a bit sleepy OH, so I hope I'll make sense in my response.

 

If you've read my posts from the end of march....we got back together. Don't ask me why, I am not entirely sure why I ran so fast back into something so toxic. It was really great being back together, but then we left school for the summer and she went back to her home out of state. The first two weeks she was calling me many times a day, saying she loved me, wanted to get married, convinced me to buy a $600 plane ticket to come see her. Suddenly, a few days later, she needed "space." This entailed her not speaking to me for 5 days, despite me sending a single text each day (after the third day) saying "how are things?" Now, the whole space discussion, it was made clear we werent fighting or breaking up. She just was busy. But I still think 5 days of not saying a word to me after all that emotional intensity was a bit odd. It started to make me weary, in light of our past issues. This turned into a big fight, where all the blame was put on my for being "impulsive" and "unstable."

 

OOOH boy. That's a lot to follow. She went into her attempts full force. That's quite an impulse to follow, on her part. I've learned that a period of separation and detachment is really important from the ex, whether it's to facilitate a better chance of ah... peaceful interaction with them: whether it's civility, friendship, or a possible reconciliation. Another point to support the importance in space and time away from each other for an indeterminate amount of time.

 

Her pleading was incredibly selfish of her. It was all about her.

 

We didnt talk for a week. She then called me to tell me she didnt want a relationship, and needed time to work on herself, but that she loved me still and wanted us to work it out in the future. Several days later, she told me she didnt know if she loved me.

 

Confused. Telling you all sorts of things that she doesn't know or understand just to get out of the relationship, which leads to...

 

Then I learned she was going to see an ex-boyfriend in two weeks. She then informed me she is seeing someone else.

 

Yikes.

 

I got a bit upset, because it felt like i was simply replaced and was a place holder She can date whomever, and do whatever she wants, but it still hurts.

 

The hurt is understandable and I want to parrot what homebrew's been saying on the board: "Hurt people hurt people." There's something going on with her that's really independent of you and if one of them is the ex-boyfriend factor, there's not much you could have done with that. So that's not your fault at all.

 

She claims now that i am simply not the right man for her. She says she has a significant part of her that still loves me, but that I am just not right, and that its more cruel for her to be with me when I make her unhappy because she thinks im immature (why, i dont know, she refused to explain further). This all occurred in a time frame of two weeks. I then was informed by a mutual friend that she has told people she was never attracted to me, and that I was a mistake.

 

She's justifying to herself that the decision to break up is the right choice at the present and near future. Also, here's my take on that: take whatever you hear from people with a grain of salt. The only one who knows if she's being honest or a liar is herself. This is why hearing about the ex from a third party, no matter how trustworthy this source is, isn't such a good idea. Information from others creates distracting chatter which takes away from the most important thing in this process of breaking up: your detachment from her.

 

She has told me that if I cannot be there for her as her friend, then I am immature and "full of hate."

 

NO. Absolutely not. She is upset that she can't have it her way and she cannot reasonably sustain a friendship with you at this time. She just thinks she can and her saying these things is all about her. I know I'm assuming a lot in saying that about someone I don't know, but in this case, I'm quite comfortable saying that with solid belief.

 

I have complete dislike towards exes who feel that the person they left owes them support and a smooth transition into their decision. That the person they left behind must still help them ease their guilt of leaving. No. The ex wants that break up, let him/her have it!

 

I got really upset and blew up on her a bit, and she tells me I am a jerk and a dickhead and that she forgives me for it, but that I am just not a good match for her and its all my own doing.

 

"Hurt people hurt people." There's something else going on with her and she's dumping it on you. She was anticipating your anger. If it was "all" your own doing, then she could have also been a better communicator on how you were hurting her during the relationship. Maintain that mindset: she can't dump it all on you because she contributed to the demise of the relationship as well.

 

Everyone has room left for improvement on communication skills. Always.

 

I believe the ONLY possible course of action at this point is to do what I should have done from the get go and just really do whatever I can to get this person out of my life. I want brutal honesty from anyone who will give it! Where have i been wrong, is she twisting this on me, and what should I expect in the future?

 

You already recognized it from the start: you got back with her way too soon. Reconciliations aren't a one size fits all deal and some couples, I'm sure, had long-term success in the same amount of time that you and your ex took a break. There's nothing "wrong" with wanting and/or pursuing a second chance with an ex and I hope you don't feel like it was wrong to do so. You loved her, so of course you wanted to give things another shot. Don't beat yourself up about making that decision. Hindsight's 20/20 and you could not have foreseen this break up with 100% certainty. I really do believe getting back with her was too soon.

 

She's projecting her current state of mind in a way that's hurting you. I understand your pain but I want to say to you to not take her words too personally. This doesn't make sense now because you're hurting too, but when you're ready, I hope you'll come back to what I said and re-consider.

 

With regard to the "twisting," perhaps she's holding on to hurts from your past actions that she's now airing. I have no idea if she's justified in her feeling that "it's all your fault" because with the exception of some circumstances, both partners do contribute to the break up. If she's referring to your purchase of a $600 ticket, responding to your very strong feelings for her because you believed what she said, then she's definitely getting some information twisted there.

 

Future? Expect nothing. An openness to any possibility is a good state to reach, I think, but it's hard because it's natural to want something concrete. NC will help with that. Think of it as a detox from her. What I know you can expect from this is a lot of pain, anger ("How dare she twist things on me!"), resentment ("I can't believe her, I believed her and I got invested again, why would she do that?"), sadness, etc. NC will be a grueling road for you for different reasons, but welcome the negativity and don't fight or repress yourself. The sooner you face the difficult parts, the earlier you'll come to terms with things and then let those negative feelings towards her go. That's so important. Feeling anger, hatred, disgust, etc. is important to jumpstart the healing process, but holding on to them isn't good in the long run. Review CaliGuy's posts about NC. Look up homebrew's threads, too.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're having to go through a second break up with her.

Edited June 7, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[OhioLaw1987]

Ohpenelope. First, thank you for the insights and response. I am finding great solace and strength in your words (more on that in a minute). Second, I would be pleased to know that your username is a Pinback reference...great advice from a person referencing a great band..cant beat that!

 

Regarding what I heard from other people: it is quite credible. The reason I know this is because,be it good or bad, this third party forwarded me emails and messenger conversations where my ex does in fact say these things. I am not one to ever encourage a violation of privacy like this (I am, after all, studying to be an attorney specializing in constitutional issues), but I sit here and I read these things and I become so incredibly hurt. Beyond that, she has repeated to me in our conversations over and over again that this is somehow my fault because of how I have totally "overreacted" in the sense that I can't just let her live her life and accept she made a mistake ever coming back to me. Of course, I have totally lost it. I admit that. And I am sure there are things I have said that are really angry and mean (I told her I hated her for doing this to me twice, and accused her of being selfish and wholly incapable of self-sacrifice of any kind....lofty charges to make at a person, I know...I concede there inappropriateness). But what is so frustrating, albeit objectively not that surprising, is that there I was struggling with our first break-up, and she knew that; she knew I was still in love with her and had just started to put my life back together, and she comes back in full force. She went as far as to establish she had no interest in anyone after me. Which was in fact true. She, as recently as mid-May, stated that I was the most compatible man there was for her, and that I understood and accepted her in a way that no one else ever has. She has a lot of problems (diagnosed psychiatric issues, family problems, and a violent/abusive relationship in her past), and I supported her always. I guess in my own selfish way, I feel like I am, or at least expected to be, owed more than this; that I wouldn't feel like a placeholder whose sole reason for being in this person's life was to stay the feelings of isolation until something more convenient and interesting, and easy to be with, came along. How do I ever forgive being pulled around like this? How do I face her daily for the entire next school year? Why would she come back and do precisely what she promised she wouldn't do, and tell me its my fault (again) when my actions are solely reactionary? I feel like she misses the point at which I make mistakes, but she is the destabilizing factor in it all. Beyond that (and I know this is a long post, so I apologize), I cannot understand how someone's emotions change so quickly and become so fleeting. She has said previously she would never come back, and then she has (we have a complex history), and I always take her back. I feel broken. I feel cheated. I feel taken advantage of. She at first realized she, as she put it, "destroyed the relationship, again" but has now dismissed that. Its like she toggles between her own reality where shes found a new object of her interest which renders me irrelevant (and "totally ugly," as she said to her friend in the email), and the reality that I did more for her than she could ever appreciate and she is simply incapable of accepting and returning even a fraction of it.

 

Does she try to come back to me again? I feel very weak. No one in my life outside of her has ever approved of this person in my life, especially this time around. She went so far as to contact my parents and tell them she wouldn't hurt me again (Really strange thing to do, if you ask me). I know I shouldnt listen to others, but literally EVERYONE in my life cantbe wrong. Do I hold out hope, or am I a sucker who had his heart broken by someone who cant even understand what they want?

[heartshaped]

She has a lot of problems (diagnosed psychiatric issues, family problems, and a violent/abusive relationship in her past)

 

I think that's a huge part of the problem. If she has diagnosed psychiatric issues and is acting the way she is, obviously she isn't a stable person. You can't expect someone to act normal or reasonable when they aren't mentally stable. If she has had violent/abusive relationships in the past, this could also mean that she is one of those women that goes for that type of thing. Aren't feeling good unless they are being treated bad.

 

Bottom line, it sounds like she has a lot of problems within herself and you need to remove her from your life and go NC.

[OhioLaw1987]

How she could leave me so fast for the second time, AND NOW be with someone else when she was saying such intense things to me two weeks ago is just staggering to me. Am I wrong to think that is just plain hard to comprehend? She can do what she wants, but I have a right to be hurt I think as well. Love doesnt just fade out this fast, which indicates she didn't love me. She is a user.

[OhioLaw1987]

I]

 

She's projecting her current state of mind in a way that's hurting you. I understand your pain but I want to say to you to not take her words too personally. This doesn't make sense now because you're hurting too, but when you're ready, I hope you'll come back to what I said and re-consider.

\.

 

Could you elaborate, please? Do you mean that shes saying things she may not necessarily mean in the long term (being impulsive with in the now) OR that what she is saying isnt about me, its her own scattered nature manifesting itself towards me being as a problem for her?

[marqueemoon4]

How she could leave me so fast for the second time, AND NOW be with someone else when she was saying such intense things to me two weeks ago is just staggering to me. Am I wrong to think that is just plain hard to comprehend? She can do what she wants, but I have a right to be hurt I think as well. Love doesnt just fade out this fast, which indicates she didn't love me. She is a user.

 

cause she's nuts. and confused, and you're paying for it.

[OhioLaw1987]

I guess after investing so much for two years with this person, I have a hard time seeing it for what it is, and saying "okay, this is and has to be the last straw." At this point, if i were to take her back (which who knows if she will ever want) I would be pronouncing to her, and the rest of the world, that it is okay for me to be treated this way and that I have no pride. Am I right? Or do I see this way too intensely? At base, does it simply just come down to the fact that this girl is a user who has simply done too much to me for me to ever let her in my life? I really wish someone would just spell it out and offer me some support to get through this because I feel very unsure of what to do, and why I cant just realize what she truly is.

[marqueemoon4]

look man, you're in a lose/lose situation here... you're stuck cause the only choice you have is getting over her and moving on and that sh*t is hard when you have feelings for someone. and on the flipside, if she comes back AGAIN there's a good chance she'll continue to make your life hell with her flakiness and her issues. I guess you just have to put your foot down and be done with her, plain and simple. Nobody ever wants to hear this, present company included.

Edited June 7, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[OhioLaw1987]

Yeah, I know you are right. I just firmly believed her when she said she was committed and it would be different. And I want to believe her now when she says this is my fault, i think, because then I dont have to accept that I fell in love with someone who will never be able to love me back the way I want and deserve. I guess the fact that I tried to separate her BPD and Bi-polar from her as a person was a mistake because those things actually do impact who she is, and by looking past them, I put a burden on her to be something shes not capable of being.

[OhioLaw1987]

Does anyone think there is any chance we get back together? Just speculate based on what i've said. Sometimes I need to hear it from others.

[giuliano-3]

Of course there's a chance. Thing is, do you really want the chance because it is the best thing for you? Or do you want the chance to repair your broken ego? I ask because these questions are exactly what I'm wrestling with right now. I love my ex still, and can't decide whether or not to call her back after 6 months of no phone conversations.

 

Would it be the best thing for me to get back with her right now? No. Do I still envision us getting back and growing old together? Yes. The time apart (one year now) has served to crystalize both what was right and wrong about us being together. The flakiness and using mentality in her is something which can change with time. As for "if I take her back does that announce to the world that its OK to treat me like [dirt]?" The answer, my friend, is yes. And that is why I'm not sure if I can bear to call her. She's called twice now in the past 18 hours. The clock is ticking and I don't know which way I'll go.

 

I hope we choose wisely...

[0hpenelope]

Sit tight bro, I'm coming back for you. Your post is not "too long," either.

[0hpenelope]

Ohpenelope. First, thank you for the insights and response. I am finding great solace and strength in your words (more on that in a minute). Second, I would be pleased to know that your username is a Pinback reference...great advice from a person referencing a great band..cant beat that!

 

From that really long paragraph (The length's not a problem, jsyk! I like detailed and well-written posts. Very easy to follow.), I'll take bits from your response and group them together so that I can have a more united answer.

 

Regarding what I heard from other people: it is quite credible. The reason I know this is because,be it good or bad, this third party forwarded me emails and messenger conversations where my ex does in fact say these things. I am not one to ever encourage a violation of privacy like this (I am, after all, studying to be an attorney specializing in constitutional issues), but I sit here and I read these things and I become so incredibly hurt. Beyond that, she has repeated to me in our conversations over and over again that this is somehow my fault because of how I have totally "overreacted" in the sense that I can't just let her live her life and accept she made a mistake ever coming back to me.../ But what is so frustrating, albeit objectively not that surprising, is that there I was struggling with our first break-up, and she knew that; she knew I was still in love with her and had just started to put my life back together, and she comes back in full force. She went as far as to establish she had no interest in anyone after me. Which was in fact true. She, as recently as mid-May, stated that I was the most compatible man there was for her, and that I understood and accepted her in a way that no one else ever has.... / She at first realized she, as she put it, "destroyed the relationship, again" but has now dismissed that. Its like she toggles between her own reality where shes found a new object of her interest which renders me irrelevant (and "totally ugly," as she said to her friend in the email), and the reality that I did more for her than she could ever appreciate and she is simply incapable of accepting and returning even a fraction of it.

 

I hear you and I'm glad to see you acknowledge that receiving the information in that manner is intrusive. I still stand by what I said: take whatever you hear from people with a grain of salt. This is the early stage of the second break up and your ex is still fresh with justifying her horrid behavior towards you. From my recent break up, I learned not to 100% trust what people say when they're high on emotion - especially when they're high on emotion. It doesn’t mean I won’t believe them, but rather I will do my best to eventually understand that they are expressing what they want poorly. It allows for forgiveness, which is for me and not them; it also doesn’t mean I’ll ignore how much their words hurt me. It's harder than how it reads because it's much easier to take the things told to us at face-value, but as you've learned for yourself, words and feelings aren't absolute. They're always changing, feelings especially.

 

Information from others, especially from your ex, creates a lot of chatter and takes away your focus on what's most important at this time: yourself. If anything, it's much better to just stop receiving information from your ex through your friend. Establish those boundaries now; what information you have is enough, OH. The information you have is enough to kick you in the behind to start moving away from her. Don't pick at that scab anymore and just let it heal because her hurtful words and her mindset are not going to change anytime soon.

 

That's not to say that the things she has said aren't relevant, though. Her words are hurting you and your hurt is 100% valid. What I'd gather from all of this is:

1. her words and actions are letting you know that she doesn't want to be with you and she wants to be with someone else.
   
2. I wouldn't take the things she's saying about you and the relationship as how she really feels because, again, if she's human like the rest of us, we say a lot of things when we're on an emotional high.
   

That ain't a green light for justifying contact with her either.

 

Of course, I have totally lost it. I admit that. And I am sure there are things I have said that are really angry and mean (I told her I hated her for doing this to me twice, and accused her of being selfish and wholly incapable of self-sacrifice of any kind....lofty charges to make at a person, I know...I concede there inappropriateness).

 

See? Emotional high, both of you! Don't worry too much that you said all these things to her because again, emotional high. You regret what you've said to her already and the information you're receiving from her & 3rd party are amplifying your pain because there's just no way around the break up. You have to, as mm4 said earlier, get over this without her. There's no more hashing out, talking things out, working out the kinks, because at this moment and in the near future, there's nothing to go back to because she's with someone else. I'm really glad you didn't agree to a friendship with her because had you compromised what you want and need by being chummy, that's also showing her that you're totally cool with her being with another dude. That's a lie; you're not cool with that.

 

And on top of that emotional high:

 

She has a lot of problems (diagnosed psychiatric issues, family problems, and a violent/abusive relationship in her past), and I supported her always.

 

These are issues independent of you and the relationship. I'm not a doctor and I won't say "WELL, THAT'S WHY!" because doing so sounds ableist to me. Your support at that time is so important and she will not forget it. So she’s got to deal with that stuff now, without you, if she feels that there are still loose ends with those issues. And those loose ends are between herself and the professional help she’s seeking, they’re the only ones who know what the real deal is.

 

I guess in my own selfish way, I feel like I am, or at least expected to be, owed more than this; that I wouldn't feel like a placeholder whose sole reason for being in this person's life was to stay the feelings of isolation until something more convenient and interesting, and easy to be with, came along.

 

That's your resentment rearing its ugly, bitter head. This is normal too, but don't hold on to it too tightly. Loving someone doesn’t have anything to do with being indebted or whatever: remember, you did those things for her because you wanted to, without force or coercion. And if you really feel like you were replaced with someone easy, then why the heck would you want to get back with someone that lacks depth? In that sense, then your ex and her new boyfriend deserve each other then!

 

Don’t worry about her being with another guy. Her new relationship’s got nothing to do with you. Don’t take it personally. With the way that she is right now, if she is truly unhealthy, why would this relationship last? And so what if it lasts, it doesn’t mean it’s a happy relationship.

 

Show me a great relationship (whether it’s friendship or romantic or professional) that didn’t take work.

 

How do I ever forgive being pulled around like this? How do I face her daily for the entire next school year? Why would she come back and do precisely what she promised she wouldn't do, and tell me its my fault (again) when my actions are solely reactionary? I feel like she misses the point at which I make mistakes, but she is the destabilizing factor in it all. Beyond that (and I know this is a long post, so I apologize), I cannot understand how someone's emotions change so quickly and become so fleeting. She has said previously she would never come back, and then she has (we have a complex history), and I always take her back. I feel broken. I feel cheated. I feel taken advantage of.

 

Work on forgiving yourself first... Just as an opinion, I think a lot of your hurt right now, even secondary to the loss of someone you love, is rooted on you feeling like you should’ve “known” better. Guess what? You don’t know better. No one does! There are so many circumstances that lead to reconciliations and yours is just among those seemingly infinite possibilities. I’ve seen them too, in my own family, even though it hasn’t happened to me personally. She needs work and you need work, too. What made you go back to her, besides your love for her? Your healing will be an on-going process, until it gives way to natural self-growth. There’s all sorts of things that you will discover about yourself. I know I did - and I was floored. In a good way.

 

You already know something that most of us won’t understand because we haven’t gone through it: that exes can come back. Your ex told you that she’s never going to, and she did! She had a change of heart and feeling. When she got you back, she had a change of heart and feeling again.

 

Get away from her. Maintain NC. It’s really up to you to show her that you’re not okay with how she treated you, no matter how much you love her. She insists on being friends with you even though she has a boyfriend, but if you become friends with her just so you can be the “cool ex,” then you’re showing her that you’re okay with her choosing someone else.

 

Heck no. You’re not okay with that!

 

Does she try to come back to me again? I feel very weak. No one in my life outside of her has ever approved of this person in my life, especially this time around. She went so far as to contact my parents and tell them she wouldn't hurt me again (Really strange thing to do, if you ask me). I know I shouldnt listen to others, but literally EVERYONE in my life cantbe wrong. Do I hold out hope, or am I a sucker who had his heart broken by someone who cant even understand what they want?

 

Who knows if she will? She did before, but it doesn’t mean it’s highly unlikely that she’ll come back or it’s even likelier that she will. What’s more important right now is, you know that something with her and with you doesn’t click. If you get back with her soon, she will be exactly the same girl and you will be broken-hearted again. I don’t think we fundamentally change, but I believe that people can change. It sounds contradictory, so I hope you’ll be able to understand what I’m trying to say there.

 

Could you elaborate, please? Do you mean that shes saying things she may not necessarily mean in the long term (being impulsive with in the now) OR that what she is saying isnt about me, its her own scattered nature manifesting itself towards me being as a problem for her?

 

What I meant by that is her words are a reflection of her current state of mind and not necessarily you. She's expressing her own reality. Her words are creating a negative picture of herself to you and that's not to her advantage. Once you choose not to take anything she says and does personally, the less suffering you will feel. Acknowledge your responsibilities in the break up. Don’t involve yourself with analyzing her actions or her words anymore. You already know that, for the time being, she isn’t dependable in word and deed. Take care of yourself and start healing.

 

Since at the moment, you want another chance with her, detachment and separation is to your advantage. It really is. You have to grow. You have to bring in new experiences into the relationship. It’s not just you, it’s her too. She has to improve herself because as she is now, she cannot stay with you. You tried twice and that didn’t work. NC for you and the sooner, the better.

[OhioLaw1987]

I cannot thank you enough for that post. It really is helping me to attain some clarity (a lot of it also reiterates a lot of what I am learning from a book i started recently, "The Four Agreements.") I think that we ended up getting back together before either of us could fully change, but she expected me to have changed in such a short time. 2 1/2 months doesnt allow someone to fully change, so I wont beat myself up over it. And I also won't stop working on myself. I think that her actions with respect to me demonstrate deep rooted emotional and commitment issues, and her haste in getting into this new committed relationship just demonstrates to me that she is not interested in addressing those problems at this time. To me, that is a major red flag. And I am not okay with it.

 

I thank you very much for taking the time to put that response together for me. It really is empowering to know that even "strangers" in the world can be dependable sources of support in rough emotional times! I cannot thank you enough. I have submitted myself to no contact, and improving my life on my own terms.

[OhioLaw1987]

AND, you are right...I have all the information I need to know this girl has written me off, has a lot of things that are going to hold me back as a person, and I don't need to continue to snoop and find out more. Its all right in front of me.

[Inwancyceby]

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[0hpenelope]

Don Miguel Ruiz is a great teacher. Yes, a lot of the things I learned come from his teachings! I think you picked up a really great book and The Four Agreements are very easy to understand, but hard to apply. His teachings are applicable to a lot of what happens to us. I subscribe to them because for me, I believe that they will help me lead a happy life. His ideas about our experiences influencing how we react to things make so much sense. It's a balanced viewpoint of "The problems have something to do w/ them" without disavowing self-responsibility.

 

I know it's hard, OH. It's hard. We miss our exes, but we have to do this. Self-preservation. Next up will be projection! Please, don't show her anymore how hurt you are. What you've done is enough. If you do nothing around her from here on out, you will save yourself so much regret.