youngskywalker Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Alright, been dating this girl for 6 months and everything is great. Early on in the relationship she told me she has a lot of guy friends and it's a major turnoff for her if I get jealous. I understand that as 'code' for she wants me to trust her. Fast forward. She has a project at work and is out of town for a month. I talk to her tonight and she tells me she'll have to call me back later because she's watching a movie with 'Mike'...... -which means they are together in her hotel room-. She throws it out there like nothing. Later that night she calls... three times, but I don't answer because I'm too pissed off to talk to her. Just go with me on this. I have no problem with her spending time with a guy friend she's known for a long time but who the heck is Mike? I think it's completely unorthodox for her to have another man in her hotel room. This man, I'm sure is a coworker from another branch office but there is a big difference between a coworker and a friend you know and trust IMO. It's not that I don't trust her... I DO... it's that I sure as heck don't freaking trust HIM... a guy I don't know, sitting with my girlfriend in a hotel room. So ladies and gentlemen lets have your input on this. How would you handle it? How would you feel? Am I over reacting?
93TheHitStick Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 You overreacted. I mean yea i don't think she should have some dude in her hotel room. Don't get me wrong i would be a little jelly about that. But you're gonna ignore her phone calls just because she had some dude in her room? That is dumb. And if she was cheating on you with mikey she wouldn't have said she was in the room with him. She would have said she had to get some sleep or something. She said to you at the beginning of the relationship she hung out with dudes. Which means you knew what to expect. Doesn't matter if you trust him or not. You should trust her to say no. She has her own free will doesn't she?
Author youngskywalker Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Doesn't matter if you trust him or not. You should trust her to say no. She has her own free will doesn't she? I'm thinking, if she invites casual friends to her hotel room she is using bad judgement. Inviting someone to your hotel room is asking the guy to make a move on you. Perhaps you're right, I'm over reacting on the jealously side but don't you think I'm in the position to question her judgement on dealing with men? I'm a man, I know what goes through our minds... especially when we are out of town away from it all. Just saying.
mr.dream merchant Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Tough. What really caught my eye is the part about you ignoring her. I do this to, if my GF pisses me off I just ignore her until I feel like talking to her. Women with alot of male friends are hard to deal with. She's constantly surrounding herself with other men. You trust her, but you don't trust these "friends" of hers. Possibly because a good amount want your GF sexually, but hide behind a made up platonic relationship. It's tough. If you aren't willing to constantly put up with it then definitely do split with her, there's plenty of other choices out there for you.
93TheHitStick Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I'm thinking, if she invites casual friends to her hotel room she is using bad judgement. Inviting someone to your hotel room is asking the guy to make a move on you. Perhaps you're right, I'm over reacting on the jealously side but don't you think I'm in the position to question her judgement on dealing with men? I'm a man, I know what goes through our minds... especially when we are out of town away from it all. Just saying. I see what you are saying but at the same time I disagree. Woman aren't stupid. They know what goes through a mans mind too. A woman wouldn't invite a man into her house after a date knowing that she wasn't going to give him any play. And your girlfriend wouldn't invite a dude into her hotel room if she thought he was going to make a move. I am sure if it was a dude who had been showing romantic interest in her she wouldn't be in her hotel room with him. Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is married. Maybe you should call her out on it. I mean i am pretty sure she would flip out on you if you told her you were in bed with some chick watching a movie. So don't flip out but it can't hurt to tell her how you feel.
Author youngskywalker Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 What really caught my eye is the part about you ignoring her. I do this to, if my GF pisses me off I just ignore her until I feel like talking to her. Haha, I do this too. Normally it only takes about an hour before I'll talk to her again. Thanks for your other input too.
Author youngskywalker Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Maybe you should call her out on it. Really it comes down to that. But I have to present it right. If I don't, I'll come across as an untrusting butthead and she'll be appalled by it. I have no worries about what actually happened.... which is nothing. For now, I trust her but I don't want this to be a habit with her down the road. I mean really, I think it's a little inconsiderate to unveil something like that to your SO. Like you said, if I did that to her she would flip out. And my friend, yes, she would flip out
collegeguy_24 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I think you do have cause to be jealous, and when you see her next ask her about it. Its obvious from your post that Mike is not one of her normal guy friends and you never heard about him until she told you he was in her room. I think you need to set boundaries here in your relationship and if she breaks it off its her loss. She is obviously showing a lack of respect for your relationship here. I would know, my ex hung out with a lot of guy friends, and while jealous, I never showed it cause I trusted her. What happened in the end? She left me for one of her guy friends. I was to soft to set boundaries in my relationship. You need to set boundaries or else dump her for someone else.
Author youngskywalker Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I was to soft to set boundaries in my relationship. You need to set boundaries. Basically, the answer I was looking for. I don't feel right about the whole thing and think it needs to be addressed. Just thought I would get some advice before I go on the war path. Cheers.
collegeguy_24 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Basically, the answer I was looking for. I don't feel right about the whole thing and think it needs to be addressed. Just thought I would get some advice before I go on the war path. Cheers. Don't go on the war path. Handle this with care, be nice and polite, but also firm. Your an adult and a man, no need to act like a child to her and yell and scream and make demands. Just tell her you are uncomfortable with it, uncomfortable with the fact that you never even met or heard of this Mike and she invites him to her room gives you cause to be worried. If she can't handle it or if she gets all defensive then dump her, it probably means she is cheating on you anyways.
Imajerk17 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Well here's the thing. Part of being faithful is to avoid putting yourself in compromising situations in the first place. You trust her, *until* she shows bad judgment. That's the right thing to do. And watching a movie with another guy in a hotel room the two of them alone is definitely showing bad judgment. For that reason, I would seriously consider breaking up with her for this. I don't know if anything happened and I wouldn't care. She already crossed a line by inviting this guy in the first place. Edited June 7, 2011 by Imajerk17
thatone Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Alright, been dating this girl for 6 months and everything is great. Early on in the relationship she told me she has a lot of guy friends and it's a major turnoff for her if I get jealous. I understand that as 'code' for she wants me to trust her. you understood wrong. it's code for "i always want to have things my way, and if you don't give me what i want right now i'll turn to some other guy who i maintain as a 'friend' to give it to me". next time you will recognize such a red flag and avoid such women. take it as a lesson learned. next time you see her in person tell her all of her male friends are not ok. she can't have a half dozen men hanging around all the time. she will blow up and put all blame on you, and at that point you reply by saying "if you're not happy, then leave". you'll feel better for being the one to end it. she won't change. Edited June 7, 2011 by thatone
Author youngskywalker Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 Well here's the thing. Part of being faithful is to avoid putting yourself in compromising situations in the first place. You trust her, *until* she shows bad judgment. That's the right thing to do. And watching a movie with another guy in a hotel room the two of them alone is definitely showing bad judgment. For that reason, I would seriously consider breaking up with her for this. I don't know if anything happened and I wouldn't care. She already crossed a line by inviting this guy in the first place. Agreed, except for the part that I should break up with her. Little harsh don't you think? Anyway, when she comes back I'll talk to her about it. Not going to do the phone thing and it's not the time to have a fight when she's out of town. I think the better reason for me to breakup would be if I just don't trust her.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 F*CK THAT! I'm a girl and let me tell you - she knows what she is doing. So....when you go away on business you're allowed to meet a girl and have HER up to your hotel room for a movie? Yea - run that one by her and let me know how that goes. A girl may have a few guy friends but if she has a ton of guy friends she hangs out with constantly -she's just looking for an ego boost or a fall back guy. This girl is pissing me off.
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Agreed, except for the part that I should break up with her. Little harsh don't you think? Anyway, when she comes back I'll talk to her about it. Not going to do the phone thing and it's not the time to have a fight when she's out of town. I think the better reason for me to breakup would be if I just don't trust her. On trust: Keep in mind that when two people move into the phase of a serious relationship (not just bf/gf but thinking of marriage down the line) half of trust is being able to keep your ass out of tempting situations...like having people up in your hotel room where an emotional/physical cheating issue can happen. Not everyone has the same opinion but trust or not...what she is doing wouldn't sit well with most people and for good reason.
Desensitized Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 F*CK THAT! I'm a girl and let me tell you - she knows what she is doing. So....when you go away on business you're allowed to meet a girl and have HER up to your hotel room for a movie? Yea - run that one by her and let me know how that goes. A girl may have a few guy friends but if she has a ton of guy friends she hangs out with constantly -she's just looking for an ego boost or a fall back guy. This girl is pissing me off. Girls like this piss me off too. This girl reminds me of my ex. Glad she's my ex now.
collegeguy_24 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 F*CK THAT! I A girl may have a few guy friends but if she has a ton of guy friends she hangs out with constantly -she's just looking for an ego boost or a fall back guy. This girl is pissing me off. That sounds exactly like my ex, most of her guy friends are former FWBs. I didn't see it at the time, but I do now. She kept them round for an ego boost and to always have a backup guy when she needed him.
Author youngskywalker Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Well I'm not sure what her intentions are or who the guy actually is. I don't want to get in an argument 1500 miles away. I think its dumb and if we do fight it only increases the odds she'll take more guys to her room to watch TV. To add insult to injury, yesterday we were talking on the phone and I told her I was browsing the internet. She said, "you better not be looking at porn" LOL. I didn't think about it at the time but later I thought WTF if I was... you had some guy in your hotel room. No question I'm going to address this issue and lay down some boundaries but if I talk to her about it while she's away I think I would come across as being jealous and just give her the ego boost she's possibly looking for. I really hope the guy turns out to be 50 years old, fat and gay.
Emilia Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 It's funny how the men that tell women here to stop being such drama queens can sound so insecure As a woman with male friends I can tell you that she should know better and out of respect for YOU she shouldn't have guys hanging out in her hotelroom. I sure as hell wouldn't. If I wanted to catch a movie with a male friend I would go to the cinema or other public places with him. The idea of true friendship between the opposite sexes is that you never give those friends the wrong idea by meeting them somewhere intimate. I never hang out in my male friends bedroom, there is absolutely no need. Also, out of respect I would never put the man I'm seeing in a position where he feels foolish
collegeguy_24 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 No question I'm going to address this issue and lay down some boundaries but if I talk to her about it while she's away I think I would come across as being jealous and just give her the ego boost she's possibly looking for. I really hope the guy turns out to be 50 years old, fat and gay. That there, is correct. For this kind of conversation its best to do it face to face, that way you both can see each others body language, for that reveals a lot.
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 My first question is, is this chick considered universally attractive (by all guys, not just yourself)? If not, then ignore the rest of this post, you have nothing to worry about. If she is attractive, I will present you with good news and bad news. I am a guy who happens to have a lot of female friends. A few of them, coincidentally the attractive ones, sound exactly like your gf -- lots of guy friends that they do activities with that are normally reserved for husbands or bfs only. Such as: staying in hotel rooms together, going to dinner or drinks 1-on-1, taking vacations together, talking on the phone for hours, etc. The good news is that 95% of these guys have no shot with her -- either she sees herself as one of the boys and this type of stuff is no big deal, or she is genuinely enjoys the no-drama company of men as opposed to the cattiness of women. The bad news is the other 5% of these guys. They are generally the good-looking, smooth, "total package" type of guys that your girl originally intended to develop a platonic friendship with also. However, based on my experiences, every now and then there is a slip-up. By slip-up I don't necessarily mean sex, but maybe kissing, emotional attachment, cuddling, naked jacuzzi time, etc. For example, one of my good female friends, who happens to be a) ultra attractive and b) have attractive male friends judging by her fb profile, has confessed all of the following to me: a) ended up in a situation where she was naked in a room with a guy friend (no touching though), b) made out with another guy friend who happened to be a neighbor, and c) engaged in an emotional affair with another guy where she basically told him secrets about herself that she wouldn't even tell her bf. All of these occurred while she was in steady relationships.
vsmini Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I highly doubt that there's only a 5% chance that this girl is hanging out with guys that want to get her nekkid. More like 80% A LOT, not all, but A LOT of guys aren't interested in being friends with a girl unless it leads to one thing.
thatone Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I highly doubt that there's only a 5% chance that this girl is hanging out with guys that want to get her nekkid. More like 80% A LOT, not all, but A LOT of guys aren't interested in being friends with a girl unless it leads to one thing. 80% is a fairly accurate number. half of the other 20% are gay.
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Take a reading comprehension class. I didn't say 5% of the guys wanted to get with her. I said only 5% had a shot with her.
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