lostmycompass Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 It may be that I'm leaning in that direction. There are many issues but one thing that holds true is that at this moment we are still on very good terms. Is it possible to dissolve a marriage and yet maintain mutual respect & manage to do it amicably?
carhill Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Expensive but good. I still have a positive perspective on marriage so I guess it worked out OK. We divorced amicably, final last October, having essentially 'settled up' before filing, and used mediation to prepare a MSA for submission to the court. I think we were both satisfied. That's not to say there was never any hurt nor anger but we resolved it. She has a live-in boyfriend and I live alone. I presume she's happy. I know I am. Once you get a good-faith estimate of what a contested divorce costs, you'll lean further
Cee Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I know of many "good divorces," but not of them were devoid of grief, loss, and pain. You might want to read the book "Uncoupling." I found it helpful in my divorce, which I treated as a time of maturing and change. My divorce was agonizing, but it was the best thing I ever did - far better than getting married in the first place.
Duckduckgoose Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Even the so-called "clean cut" divorces are not so clean. My exH said he was giving me the clean cut I'd always wanted. More like getting clean-gutted.
Trimmer Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Expensive but good. I still have a positive perspective on marriage so I guess it worked out OK. Ours was not expensive, and it was as good as you can have, I suppose. Like Carhill, we had split up our stuff and made all the pertinent agreements verbally before we ever got the the paperwork. I did all the paperwork myself and had a lawyer look it over before we filed, just for a sanity check. (And I gave her copies so she could do the same with someone representing only her interests, and we could discuss any changes before filing. I think she did that once, but not other times; most of it was pretty straightforward and "human-readable"...) We signed the final papers on the picnic table in her new backyard, and I appeared before an ex parte judge myself to finalize everything and get him to approve the decree. So cost-wise, ours was nominal court filing fees plus a couple hours of lawyer consultation for document review. I'm satisfied with it all, and as far as I know, she is, too. So, if that's a "good" divorce - from the logistical perspective - then that's my experience. The actual carrying out of the divorce mechanics was straightforward and free of drama and strife. But having said that, I completely agree with Cee, in saying that I can't imagine you could have a painless divorce, without some level of sadness and loss - even anger. If you're looking for a "happy" divorce without grief, I don't know what to tell you - that certainly wasn't my experience. But our perspective was very much based around protecting our kids. We both made a conscious effort to realize that we needed to keep a good working relationship as parents in order to keep them maximally protected from damage, so that was the guidepost that helped keep us in line as we terminated the marriage.
Mauschen Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 From my own experience and friends' experiences, the only "good" divorces are those that don't involve minor children. At some point, child custody and child support usually bring up additional trips to court and open up the wounds of the divorce again. At the time of my divorce, we were on "good" terms only because I had completely given up and had no fight in me. My ex took advantage of me (well, I allowed him to take advantage of me) financially and I basically gave him the house, a car, and almost all of our material possessions. I walked away with enough cash for a down payment on a house, far less than I would have gotten if I had hired a lawyer. Now that I've woken up, we are heading back to court so I can obtain child support (which he has never paid). So, I think if both people can be reasonable and no children are involved, then a divorce can be "good". I'm sure there are some exceptions with children involved.
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