Heart On Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 That is a pile of steaming bovine excremement... Sad that that's all you got out of what I left....but typical of a person unwilling to look at the part they played even if it's just choosing a person to marry who lacked character. Listen,NO marriage is perfect and NO person is perfect. If you can't take personal responsibility for ANYTHING regarding the infidelity that took place in your marriage,you are simply enjoying wallowing in the pain and anger and considering yourself a victim,asking for the same thing to happen again because you learned nothing beyond how to blame others for all,and for some reason,not to mention need to seek pity and validation for your victimization. I can go so far as to say,I would not have been sexually abused as a child,had I not allowed my molester to violate me. I would not have been an abused wife had I had better boundaries and not tolerated the abuse. I would not have been sexually exploited had I not fallen for the charms and lies of a Professional. Try it.It's liberating to be self accountable and OWN your part and forgive yourself and said "victimizer"!!! Who can honestly say they are a complete innocent victim in any given situation and live with themselves but someone who can't handle the truth. Even if it's just about being too trusting,too gullible,too naive,too blinded by something about the person you trusted,too unavailable to listen,too angry and unapproachable,too judgemental or too "perfect" I stand by my statement. yes,we all play a role in infidelity But that wasn't the point of my FORGIVENESS link. But isn't it so much easier to blame THEM for all? That way we can walk around ANGRY with a major chip on our shoulders,talk sh*t for years about our victimizers,ruin any chance at happiness we might have,allow thier "unforgiveable" acts to define our lives,sit in forums day in and day out...seeking validation for our misery? yeah...sounds to me like the ONLY sane way out is forgiveness and taking personal responsibility for OUR parts. Just a little more "steaming bovine excrement" for ya' to stew in. http://www.livestrong.com/article/14698-accepting-personal-responsibility/ What is accepting personal responsibility? Accepting personal responsibility includes: * Acknowledging that you are solely responsible for the choices in your life. * Accepting that you are responsible for what you choose to feel or think. * Accepting that you choose the direction for your life. * Accepting that you cannot blame others for the choices you have made. * Tearing down the mask of defense or rationale for why others are responsible for who you are, what has happened to you and what you are bound to become. * The rational belief that you are responsible for determining who your are, and how your choices affect your life. * Pointing the finger of responsibility back to yourself and away from others when you are discussing the consequences of your actions. *Realizing that you determine your feelings about any events or actions addressed to you, no matter how negative they seem. * Recognizing that you are your best cheerleader; it is not reasonable or healthy for you to depend on others to make you feel good about yourself. * Recognizing that as you enter adulthood and maturity, you determine how your self-esteem will develop. * Not feeling sorry for the "bum deal" you have been handed but taking hold of your life and giving it direction and reason. * Letting go of your sense of over responsibility for others. * Protecting and nurturing your [COLOR=#147ecb]health[/COLOR] and emotional well being. * Taking preventive health oriented steps of structuring your life with time management, stress management, confronting fears and burnout prevention. * Taking an honest inventory of your strengths, abilities, talents, virtues and positive points. * Developing positive, self-affirming, self-talk scripts to enhance your personal development and growth. * Letting go of blame and anger toward those in your past who did the best they could, given the limitations of their knowledge, background and awareness. * Working out anger, hostility, pessimism and depression over past hurts, pains, abuse, mistreatment and misdirection. Yeah..I know I know..all a waste of effort for anyone who get some sort of emotional payoff by hanging onto thier outrage and disgust. Wish we could all be so lucky to be so perfect. Forgive yourself for being played so hard...you didn't know the whole story and the people who betrayed you don't even feel your anger,only you do and it's hurting you not helping you. I wish someone had said that to me a long damn time ago. Just trying to help...."given the limitations of my knowledge, background and awareness."
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 It may not mean they are "bitter" but they aren't willing to let go of their victim status as they have come to allow it to define them. no victim status here. but having gone through infidelity, it makes me wiser so as not to be played for a fool again. You can CHOOSE to not allow that happened to you to define your life or your attitude towards women and love. hasn't changed my attitude towards women and love. I'm just not blind now. I am sorry to hear that you don't understand that forgiveness isn't for THEM..it's for you. I don't need to forgive anyone that has betrayed me, for me. I simply need to leave them in my past. forgiveness is overrated. The thing is,it wasn't personal.Not really.It was more about a limited individual's unhealthy choices that adversly effected your life! it is completely personal. it says that person didn't respect you enough to keep from screwing someone else. Being disrespected is nothing else if not personal. I believe that to withhold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Remember, you always have choice. nope. I don't forgive being betrayed, and it has nothing to do with being a victim. I'd be a victim still if I hadn't have divorced her. the divorce decree is what helped shed any victim status I may have had. and if you go around forgiving all the time, people will know they can walk all over you. There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing! bullsh*** some of the things that can't be forgiven, and this is just SOME of them. Someone molesting your child murder stabbing you with a knife carjacking you and leaving you for dead oh....and cheating:cool: HEALTHY love relationships are not possible without forgiveness! who said anything about staying in the relationship with someone you can't forgive? You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past. not forgiving someone isn't holding anything in the past, is simply means you aren't going to tell them its ok. doesn't have anything to do with keeping what they did in the back of your mind. you simply tell them to go to hades, and move on. "What?" you say! "Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!" Let go! Move on! exactly, move on. you don't have to cut anyone slack to move on and leave them in your past. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hatred, resentment, anger and pain that is often passed on to those around you. Forgiveness helps you make peace with your past. also lets you keep your guard down for the future. people who are forgiveness crazy are doomed to be walked all over in the future. Just my opinion of course. I hope you take this in the realm it is intended....I used to be VERY angry myself....and without this knowledge,I would still be stuck in my victim mentality. you say this because you are, or have been an other woman. you and a married man were responsible for hurting someone else. so of course you are all about forgiveness.
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Sad that that's all you got out of what I left....but typical of a person unwilling to look at the part they played even if it's just choosing a person to marry who lacked character. someone betrayed doesn't play a part in someone's choice to cheat. they play a part in the state of the relationship. they do NOT play a part in the betrayers flawed character to go out and gratify themselves. If you can't take personal responsibility for ANYTHING regarding the infidelity that took place in your marriage I think most BS here will agree they had a part to play in the health of their marriage. But they are not in any way responsible for the infidelity that followed. But again, you are/were an OW. So of course you think the wife of your married man is responsible. What is accepting personal responsibility? Accepting personal responsibility includes: bedding down someone elses husband?
reboot Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 But to answer your question I will have to say no for obvious reasons. I still live my life but no, I will never get over being cheated on. It's an impossible wound to fully heal. You really need to let go of that hate. It only hurts you. How long ago was it anyway? You can get over it and you can heal. Seriously.
Heart On Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 no victim status here. but having gone through infidelity, it makes me wiser so as not to be played for a fool again. You can only hope.You thought you knew the person you had entrusted yourself with.We can ALL be played for fools again.I hate to tell you. You will NEVER know beforehand if someone is capable of betraying you. Unless your guards are up SO high,not even the REAL love can get thru we are at RISK. hasn't changed my attitude towards women and love. I'm just not blind now. I don't know you,but I am sure it has.You TRUST alot less than you once did and being vulnerable to HURT comes with love EVERY single time. I think men tend to take the hit harder than women when they are betrayed as it effects thier EGOS to such a huge degree and they lack compassion and empathy more than women do.So yeah,I doubt you will EVER get over it,let alone understand forgiveness.Nor will you ever admit that you played a role in your own pain.I am sure if I spoke to your WS she would explain to me WHY she did what she did and I am sure it wasn't because she loved you anymore. I don't need to forgive anyone that has betrayed me, for me. I simply need to leave them in my past. forgiveness is overrated Yep...it's over rated.So hang onto your anger and keep your guards up and don't risk falling in love EVER again. it is completely personal. it says that person didn't respect you enough to keep from screwing someone else. Being disrespected is nothing else if not personal. Well,since I didn't do that...screw anyone or hide the truth from anyone,I know I respected my xH enough to not hurt him like that.I also know it was my xMM's job to out himself in his marriage and he chose to keep his wife in the dark from beginning to ending when I could NOT convince him that outting himself was the RIGHT thing to do...I finally walked away.Got my divorce and am on VERY good terms with my now XH because when it was going down he THANKED me for informing him and not making a fool of him. nope. I don't forgive being betrayed, and it has nothing to do with being a victim.I'd be a victim still if I hadn't have divorced her. the divorce decree is what helped shed any victim status I may have had. The divorce held her accountable,sure,but the mere fact that you are still here posting about infidelity,says to me,you DO still feel like a victim.Why else would you be here commiserating with other BS's? Ever had a man call you a fat f*cking c*nt and spitting in your face and then the next day saying...Sorry..I DO love you? Year after year staying with them because you thought it was the right thing to do? Ever lived with a verbally abusive, alcoholic and STAYED with them because you didn't realize forgiveness didn't mean you had to pretend they didn't harm you? I had good GD reason to want out and I took it without any promises from anyone outside my marriage. Have you EVER met and been played for a fool by a MM who as a Professional who lead you onto know where for sh*t's and giggles to the point that you OUTTED yourself over feelings and left your marriage so as to NOT be a cheater because you realized that if you had thoughts and feelings about someone else,you shouldn't BE married and your LMT(licensed massage therapist) who used his position in your life to BETRAY his profession first, then his wife's trust? Who left you holding the bag for being honest in your life,by omitting the truth to anyone who needed to know,who watched with a smirk from the sidelines as you paid dearly for HIS Professional Exploitation of you and NEVER tell his wife because you knew SHE wasn't to blame and shouldn't have her illusion shattered of her husband so you moved FAR away even though you knew you were entitled to holding someone accountable for the bait and switch he played on you? yeah...you are the ONLY victim who shouldn't ever forgive for your OWN sake.I see that it's pointless to point my finger at the ANSWERS as you refuse to look and are only going to attack me without knowing my situation at all.Sort of like WHY your betrayer couldn't inform you BEFORE she cheated on you that she wasn't HAPPY with you. I know by your answer that you would have been in the know if you had been willing to LISTEN and see what she needed and wanted that you may not have been providing for her.Yes.....my xH knew why I wanted out...and he owned his part. Even my xh admitted to understanding the ROLE he played in me leaving him.But it takes a BIG person to admit fault,instead of projecting ALL blame on others.Shoot....that's exacly why MY betrayer,got away with it all,he projected all blame onto me and his wife and whatever was handy at the time.He was an anti-social to be sure, but my reaction was to FORGIVE him and RUN as far and fast from BOTH men as I could get. and if you go around forgiving all the time, people will know they can walk all over you. FORGIVENESS doesn't mean laying down and taking it over and over again. It MEANS not allowing your ANGER to define your entire being as you seem to and it was NOT personal.Not unless someone was intentionally getting EVEN for some percieved slight YOU caused them.It doesn't mean condoning the wrongs others have imposed on your life.It doesn't COME with conditions.It IS simply a way to let go of your ANGER!~ But as I said,anger helps keep people 'safer" at least in thier minds. Villify your WS all you want.Victimhood isn't the only way to validate your pain. bullsh*** some of the things that can't be forgiven, and this is just SOME of them. Someone molesting your child Listen,I was molested as a child and I have NEVER forgotten nor did my forgiveness in ANYWAY condone what he did to me.He scared me for LIFE according to ALL psychologists. He walked SCOTT free as I was blamed by my own mother for having "asked for it" as an 8 year old.Now you tell me,should I stay outraged and let my anger ruin me and my life like YOU are doing? I also know the part I played and that he ruined my life more than enough that I can't let him continue to ruin it by hating him. Hate takes up ALOT of energy better spent elsewhere is my point. murder stabbing you with a knife carjacking you and leaving you for dead oh....and cheating:cool: who said anything about staying in the relationship with someone you can't forgive? not forgiving someone isn't holding anything in the past, is simply means you aren't going to tell them its ok. doesn't have anything to do with keeping what they did in the back of your mind. you simply tell them to go to hades, and move on. exactly, move on. you don't have to cut anyone slack to move on and leave them in your past. But if you hang onto the anger...you AREN'T leaving them in the past...they are WITH you every single day. also lets you keep your guard down for the future. people who are forgiveness crazy are doomed to be walked all over in the future. Just my opinion of course. Damn....people just don't get what forgiveness is REALLY about. If you do't let go of your ANGER,you are doomed to have your guards so high up...no one will EVER reach you to be loved again. But you go ahead and hang onto it if it makes you feel SAFER. If anything,it makes you more vulnerable if you ask me. you say this because you are, or have been an other woman. you and a married man were responsible for hurting someone else. so of course you are all about forgiveness. Actually that's not my story.And you missed the whole point of forgiveness. I didn't hurt my hsuband like you were hurt,because I was one of those rare breed of people who had the decency to look my husband in the eye and inform him LONG before it got sexual,that i was not in LOVE with him anymore,and that I had fallen for someone else and that I wanted to separate and divorce. Could you have handled THAT? But really,I am sure you don't see the difference even though you all say that you just WANTED TO HAVE INFORMED KNOWLEDGE before the EMA started. So had your WS come to you BEFORE she/he had cheated on you and said.... "Look,I don't love you anymore,I am sick or your face,your voice,your d*ck your anger,your drinking,your lack of money,you a$$holiness,not to mention our sex life sucks and I want a divorce because I am seriously considering allowing myself to love someone else." You would have been more than happy to step aside without any issues with them and all would have been peachy? Spare me.People LIE because people can't HANDLE the truth and I found that out the day I outted myself in my marriage. He did leave,(I owned the house)but I was the ENEMY either way. The xMM professional who USED me as a client after I had left my husband choose to exploit, lie and omit and betray without compunction and in reality I was his victim and I HATED him with the same passion you all do your BS.I also hated my xH for years of abuse that made me vulnerable to the xMM and his lies to me. But...I have learned along the way....we are all victims or we are all personally responsible for what happens to us. I choose to take personal responsibility for my REACTIONS to others and forgive them because I KNOW what they DO to hurt others isn't personal. But you can't understand that so there is no point in continuing to try and open your eyes to the reality that YOU are the only losing out by withholding forgiveness. And I don't mean reconcilation....or condoning...that's the LAST thing I would ever want with my xmolester,x-parents,xexploiter,xhusband or xabusers.... All betrayers of my trust and love.
Heart On Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 (edited) bedding down someone elses husband? Ironically....I never even had intercourse with her husband.EVER, nor did the oral sex we had happen in a bed...unless you consider a massage table a "bed"...but I did love him.Shame on me.I OWN THAT.But you would have to understand the circumstances surrounding my marriage and his position of Authority before you passed judgement on me. Again,had I been your wife,I would have left you with the truth,but I wouldn't have betrayed you. I have forgiven both the xMM and my xH for hurting me and I don't need your forgiveness or understanding. But nice try. Edited June 8, 2011 by Heart On
Woggle Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Forgiveness is all well and good but excuse for not being Mr Saintly and saying it was perfectly okay for people to betray my trust. I don't wish any harm on my ex wife but karma caught up with her in a huge way and I can't say I feel too much sympathy for her. I hate to bring gender into this but why do I get the feeling that the advice would be completely different if the sexes were reversed?
donnamaybe Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I hate to bring gender into this but why do I get the feeling that the advice would be completely different if the sexes were reversed? Did you fail to see the ugly things that were said about women in this thread? How all you have to do is tell 'em you love 'em and they'll... I'm not gonna say it because it was VERY ugly and extremely ignorant, but are you okay with a guy saying such things about your wife? She is, after all, a woman.
Woggle Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Did you fail to see the ugly things that were said about women in this thread? How all you have to do is tell 'em you love 'em and they'll... I'm not gonna say it because it was VERY ugly and extremely ignorant, but are you okay with a guy saying such things about your wife? She is, after all, a woman. In no way do I condone it but I understand it is just bitterness talking. This mentality comes from doing nothing but treating women right and getting your heart ripped out. Bitter women say the same things about men.
donnamaybe Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 In no way do I condone it but I understand it is just bitterness talking. This mentality comes from doing nothing but treating women right and getting your heart ripped out. Bitter women say the same things about men. Now how in the world do you know that other poster treats women right? He COULD be the world's biggest horse's you-know-what.
Woggle Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Now how in the world do you know that other poster treats women right? He COULD be the world's biggest horse's you-know-what. His response to the article said it all. As a man who has been there I get it. Look at his comments in the context of the article. It is about a woman who cheated on her husband with his brother then has the nerve to get angry when the brother cheats on her. If you look at the comments under the article they all agree that these people are sick but if you say that in this thread it is a big deal.
anne1707 Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 His response to the article said it all. As a man who has been there I get it. Look at his comments in the context of the article. It is about a woman who cheated on her husband with his brother then has the nerve to get angry when the brother cheats on her. If you look at the comments under the article they all agree that these people are sick but if you say that in this thread it is a big deal. Woggle As the one who first questioned the OP on this, my concern was that he diagnosed these people as being mentally ill. The OP is not, as far as I know, a psychiatrist (or similar) hence he is not in a position to make such a diagnosis. Is what these people have done (depending on how much of it is true as the source is a trashy, tabloid) terrible? Yes. But can I say these people are mentally ill based on this article? No - and that is with me being probably more qualified than the vast majority of LSers to make such a diagnosis.
donnamaybe Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 His response to the article said it all. As a man who has been there I get it. Look at his comments in the context of the article. It is about a woman who cheated on her husband with his brother then has the nerve to get angry when the brother cheats on her. If you look at the comments under the article they all agree that these people are sick but if you say that in this thread it is a big deal. That doesn't mean he treats women right. In fact, based on posting style, I would hazard a guess that it would suck to try to live with him.
Woggle Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 That doesn't mean he treats women right. In fact, based on posting style, I would hazard a guess that it would suck to try to live with him. He doesn't now but I wonder if he was always this way and if not what made him change.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Actually, I would agree that it is unwise to jump to any conclusions about their mental state...especially since none of us have (presumably) met them personally. Forgiveness is all well and good but excuse for not being Mr Saintly and saying it was perfectly okay for people to betray my trust. This is a good point. People have different definitions of forgiveness. "Condoning and whitewashing" or "understanding and accepting". If you don't learn to let go you are filled with hate. But throw forgiveness around like a toy and you just get covered in sh*t. It's a lose-lose situation without any sort of balance between the two extremes.
Memphis Raines Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Ironically....I never even had intercourse with her husband.EVER, nor did the oral sex we had happen in a bed...unless you consider a massage table a "bed"...but I did love him.Shame on me.I OWN THAT.But you would have to understand the circumstances surrounding my marriage and his position of Authority before you passed judgement on me. no, I don't have to understand the circumstances. you were a party to hurting someone else, his wife, whether she knew it or not, intercourse or not. the circumstances do not excuse what you and this MM did to the wife Again,had I been your wife,I would have left you with the truth,but I wouldn't have betrayed you. great. now don't you think your MM's wife deserves the truth? probably not. I have forgiven both the xMM and my xH for hurting me and I don't need your forgiveness or understanding. good, because I'm not giving it to you. and as far as understanding, I guess your plea for me to "understand" the circumstances was alot of blown smoke. But nice try. et tu.
dale_gribble Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 This is probably one of the worst stories I've ever heard. Brother, or no brother someone needs an "ass beat'in." I'd cut all contact with this ******* ASAP... we're brothers NO MORE!
Mz. Pixie Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 JMK- Just curious-you stated earlier that being the victim of a cheater is not something you ever recover from. What about sexual abuse? Child abuse? Things of that nature? Are those recoverable or is adultery the only thing on the list?
Eclypse Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I don't understand why there was a whole argument over wether they were mentally ill. I get called crazy all the time (eg when someone sees me talk to myself) but I never get offended. What these people did is perverted. There is no other way around it. All that "needs to be a psychiatric diagnosis" etc talk looks to me like a blocking mechanism of sorts to try avoid the issue.
Heart On Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 That doesn't mean he treats women right. In fact, based on posting style, I would hazard a guess that it would suck to try to live with him. My point exactly and I am not talking about since he was betrayed,I am talking about before.
Heart On Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 no, I don't have to understand the circumstances. you were a party to hurting someone else, his wife, whether she knew it or not, intercourse or not. the circumstances do not excuse what you and this MM did to the wife So my honesty within my own marriage meant nothing if I didn't force the xMMProfessional to tell his wife? Classic.That was HIS doing.HIS motto was lie and deny.He used me to defy his wife because he resented the control she had over him.It as in a situation that he knew, based on his massage ethics classes, that I as his client, was OFF limits sexually speaking. I took 100% personal responsibility for being victimized,and for ending my marriage,thinking it was an affair,when by all accounts,it wasn't. I was no less his victim than his wife was.Maybe she should have warned ME I was paying to see a Sociopath. And really,since she never knew,she never suffered like I did. But in the end,he will pay the piper as every road has it's turn. great. now don't you think your MM's wife deserves the truth? probably not. Of COURSE I did and while I was paying all the consequences for his choice to sexually exploit me as a client,I tried to make him understand that SHE had a right to know that he was untrustworthy with women every time he went to wrok on them! I don't presume I was the only person he exploited! All he was concerned about was not losing his massage license.In reality,outting him to her would have come AFTER I had reported him to an Ethics Commitee.She would have been informed by them.You have no clue how many women actually hold these men Professionally accountable for thier sexual misconduct,do you? I didn't meet this man in a bar,take him home and f*ck him knowing he was married.It took him 2 years of weekly masage for him to wittle down my boundaries and make me think I could trust him with my body and mind as a CLIENT. It's not all black or white. www.benbenjamin.com/pdfs/MTJ92Winter.pdf good, because I'm not giving it to you Listen buddy,I don't NEED nor want your forgiveness or understanding.I am not the woman who burned you.Nor do I know why she didn't have the courage to end your marriage first.Some people seem to need someone to help them escape thier misery is all I know.My husband was a GRADE-A as$hole and I still gave him his ticket out before I got too involved. You can sit in here and project ALL you hate onto anyone you wish to,just know until you FORGIVE and Take personal responsibility for YOUR part,you will NEVER be a happy man again. and as far as understanding, I guess your plea for me to "understand" the circumstances was alot of blown smoke. I wasn't 'pleaing' anything to you.I was explaining what happened to me. What I did that was the right thing to do in my marriage without knowing that I was a victim,not an accompliss in an affair. And just how obvious it is that you are never going to get over it. That's just sad. And why I thought posting to the OP about Forgiveness was important. But obviously,this is just another chance for you to bash me because someone else hurt you.I won't allow you to judge me anymore,and I will be more than happy to leave this thread so I don't have to read your misdirected anger anymore. Take it out on your BETRAYER or forgive her...matters not to me.
Author John Michael Kane Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 You really need to let go of that hate. It only hurts you. How long ago was it anyway? You can get over it and you can heal. Seriously. Seriously your argument is tiring. As I said before my problems have been dealt with.
Author John Michael Kane Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 It may not mean they are "bitter" but they aren't willing to let go of their victim status as they have come to allow it to define them. You can CHOOSE to not allow that happened to you to define your life or your attitude towards women and love.I see your hatred of women in the words you use.You would not be someone I could imagine being with as you carry alot of baggage.Not that you would want to be with me of course...just saying.Your energy is very negative and I know you can change that if you want to. I am sorry to hear that you don't understand that forgiveness isn't for THEM..it's for you.Your anger is palpable in all of your posts. It has to have an effect on ALL of your present relationships. It keeps you stuck in the past,and reliving your pain and anger daily and it isn't healthy. Obviously,you took being cheated on very personally and it was humilating. The thing is,it wasn't personal.Not really.It was more about a limited individual's unhealthy choices that adversly effected your life! That is unless you are willing to own your part in the situation.And yes,WE all play a role in infidelity unless we can't face it. I wanted to offer you a definition of unconditional forgiveness that allows you to release your valid anger without continuing to damage yourself in the process of learning to let go of your victimhood and move forward. http://www.celebratelove.com/forgive.htm Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is forgiven. Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it. Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because forgiveness is an internal matter. Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim. The greatest misconception about forgiveness is the belief that forgiving the offense, such as an affair, means that you condone it. Not true. In fact, we can only forgive what we know to be wrong. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile with someone who badly treated you. Another misconception is that it depends on whether the person who did you wrong apologizes, wants you back, or changes his or her ways. If another person's poor behavior were the primary determinant for your healing then the unkind and selfish people in your life would retain power over you indefinitely. Forgiveness is the experience of finding peace inside and can neither be compelled nor stopped by another. I believe that to withhold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Remember, you always have choice. When you forgive you do it for you, not for the other. The person you have never forgiven. . . owns you! How about an affair? Just because you choose to forgive, does not mean you have to stay in the relationship. That is only and always your choice. The choice to forgive is only and always yours. When you feel that forgiveness is necessary, do not forgive for "their" sake. Do it for yourself! It would be great if they would come to you and ask forgiveness but you must accept the fact that some people will never do that. That is their choice. They do not NEED to be forgiven. They did what they did and that is it - except for the consequences, which THEY must live with. The hurts won't heal until you forgive! Recovery from wrongdoing that produces genuine forgiveness takes time. For some, it may take years. Don't rush it. Constantly reliving your wounded feelings gives the person who caused you pain power over you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, it helps to focus your energy on the healing, not the hurt! There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing! HEALTHY love relationships are not possible without forgiveness! You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past. Regardless of the situation, making peace with past love partners, your parents, children, your boss or anyone who you think may have "done you wrong" is the only way to improve your chances of a "healthy" relationship with yourself or anyone else for that matter! It is not possible to truly be present and available to a new relationship until you heal the hurt and upsets of the past. Forgiving someone else is to agree within yourself to overlook the wrong they have committed against you and to move on with your life. It's the only way. It means cutting them some slack. "What?" you say! "Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!" Let go! Move on! Non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Being willing to forgive can bring a sense of peace and well-being. It lifts anxiety and delivers you from depression. It can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope. The act of forgiveness constitutes a mental bath, letting go of something that can only poison us within. Robert Enright, a developmental psychologist at the University of Wisconsin defines forgiveness as "giving up the resentment to which you are entitled and offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled." It is important to recognize that your distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you five minutes ago or five years ago. Research has shown that people who are deeply and unjustly hurt by others can heal emotionally and, in some cases, physically by forgiving their offender. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hatred, resentment, anger and pain that is often passed on to those around you. Forgiveness helps you make peace with your past. I hope you take this in the realm it is intended....I used to be VERY angry myself....and without this knowledge,I would still be stuck in my victim mentality.I am a survivor of sexual abuse,abandonment by both birth parents,a victim of sexual misconduct and an x-abused wife and I can tell you...I forgive them ALL because continuing to HATE them will only hurt me and my life and I will be DAMNED if they are going to have the final word on my life! Turn your HEART ON! Sorry you're speaking to the wind.
Author John Michael Kane Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 JMK- Just curious-you stated earlier that being the victim of a cheater is not something you ever recover from. What about sexual abuse? Child abuse? Things of that nature? Are those recoverable or is adultery the only thing on the list? It is actually the only thing on the list. Because that's all we're talking about here.
Author John Michael Kane Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 That doesn't mean he treats women right. In fact, based on posting style, I would hazard a guess that it would suck to try to live with him. I honestly wouldn't want to try and live with you either.
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