Now what Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 (edited) As the title says, I'm at a new point in my life here.... A little background info. Married 14.5 years, together about 16 years. 1 daughter that is 11.5 years old. We have always had an up and down relationship, but have always pulled through the bad times up until now. He has had many, many jobs throughout our marriage that I never felt he ever gave 100% to. He has NEVER helped with housework or things like that, and I know I built up a lot of resentment b/c of that. For about the last year or so I've felt that the only time he wanted to spend time with me is when he figured it would lead to sex. All I ever wanted was to feel like we were a team in our marriage, and I never felt that. I know that I have never cheated, not so sure about H. On his side, he says I never supported him and that I was never there for him. I can see how maybe my frustration with not having a job and not helping around the house drove a big wedge between us. Oh...and it's not like he'd be looking for a job. He would sleep until noon, then stay up until 3-4am on the computer. And yes, I did tell him that bothered me but no change ever. Things were rocky at best about 2 months ago when H had to go the FL for 7 weeks of training for a restaurant we were planning to purchase. Sooo...over the course of what ended up to be only 4 weeks communication got worse and worse. About 1 week before he came home he called to see if I would come visit him for the weekend. Said of course I'd love to come down and spend a weekend just the 2 of us. Got a call back a few hours later saying never mind, he was coming home. A few of the phone calls while he was away were very disturbing to me and I called him out on it. He said things about "being sure he was looking out for HIS inheritance since buying the rest. was going to be a big investment", "wishing he could move the FL and just be happy". So when I say that I called him out on it I basically said "if you can't be happy here, then move the FL!" WOW! Didn't realize he'd take it so literally! When he got home he was VERY distant...hardly even saw him at all on Mother's Day. Then the following Tuesday he basically says he's done. Of course I cried, but didn't beg him to stay or anything like that. We just discussed how we would handle child, money, etc. Well, Thursday he tells me he's already contacted a lawyer and will be going to FL to look for a place to live. Soooo...not only is he leaving me, but our daughter also (she will be going to see him as often as possible, but with school and all dont know how that will work). WTF? I can totally live with the fact that you don't love me anymore, but to move away from our daughter really P*ssed me off! So, here we are almost 4 weeks since HE decided to end out marriage. I can honestly say I have reacted to him with many different emotions. The first couple of days I withdrew. I have cried and asked him 3 times to reconsider and could we go to MC. He said it's too late. The other day we met to go over accounts that needed changed, etc. and he said I was acting very angry. I wasn't intentionally being angry, but maybe my distance was mistaken for anger. Don't know about that. Here's the weird thing and my question. While he was gone on Easter I had a cookout with my friends and I actually had a discussion with my friends that if I could afford to leave him that I would. So WHY am I here asking him to stay??? I can't figure it out?? Basically what I've wanted has happened, just never imagined it would make me feel like this! It's hard for me to explain my feelings, maybe someone who's been there can help, am I sad b/c I didn't get the be the one to end it? Am I sad b/c I'm worried about how this will affect my daughter? Am I sad b/c I don't know what the future will hold? I don't know!!! So now he's just acting like a total a** to me. I called Sunday to try to work things out, he won't even come over to talk (he's staying at his mom's until he moves to FL midmonth). So I know it's over. Got an email today with info on how to change my phone to my own account, which I've already done. I just can't make any sense out of this all. I have a gut feeling he's met someone in FL and that is why he is being so cold to me. What do ya'll think? I have been having days when I'm actually relieved that it's finally over, then I have other days when it's all I can think about. Not crying or anything, just like a pit in my stomach. I've been reading a lot on this forum over the past week or so and have already gotten a lot of good info. Any words of wisdom for how to get through this, make sure my daughter has anytime she needs, etc would be greatly appreciated!! Oh...papers are already signed and back at the lawyers. 1 year wait in NC for divorce. The thing that really makes me mad is I find myself worried about how he's going to afford to live down there and pay child support when he hasn't found a job yet!! His decision, so why am I worried? Edited June 6, 2011 by Now what missed something
AudentesFortuna Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 "Here's the weird thing and my question. While he was gone on Easter I had a cookout with my friends and I actually had a discussion with my friends that if I could afford to leave him that I would. So WHY am I here asking him to stay??? I can't figure it out?? Basically what I've wanted has happened, just never imagined it would make me feel like this! It's hard for me to explain my feelings, maybe someone who's been there can help, am I sad b/c I didn't get the be the one to end it? Am I sad b/c I'm worried about how this will affect my daughter? Am I sad b/c I don't know what the future will hold? I don't know!!!" I'm going through the same thing. Many times in the last few months I've talked to my friends how I should just leave my marriage because of some problems. Then last week, wham, she's the one that says she's leaving and my world falls apart. I can't explain it. It's one of those things where it's one thing to talk the talk but it's quite another to walk the walk. It's hard. With me, I always thought there would be time to fix things. Me talking divorce was just blowing off steam, in the end I always thought "we have plenty of time to fix things".
Author Now what Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Sounds like we are in pretty similar situations. Today I woke up with a great outlook...it's all for the best, it's what I wanted...blah, blah, blah...then he called to let me know he'd be over thurs to get his stuff...then bam...I start to feel terrible again. I guess it just is so sad b/c I honestly think if we went to mc and worked together that there still is love there and we could make it work. But, that decision has already been made by him that it's over. Time to hold my head up and move on. The more I've been thinking today I have at least come to realize that one of the best things about our divorce will be that my daughter won't grow up believing that this has been a healthy relationship.
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