Crazy chick1 Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I am deluding myself. Being back in touch with MM albeit on only a once a week basis feels so good right now, because he convinced us both after d day that he was out of my life forever & would be giving his all to his M. I feel as though he is meeting a need I have where before there was a huge hole in my life with his name on it. I genuinely do love him & contact with him medicates the pain I felt in NC. The couple of months or so of NC has gone now & was basically in vain because as soon as he throws me under the bus again, I realise that I will be back to square one. I know that this short term boost is going to lead to misery in the long term but it's too late now. Damn. I truly am a fool.
MissBee Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I am deluding myself. Being back in touch with MM albeit on only a once a week basis feels so good right now, because he convinced us both after d day that he was out of my life forever & would be giving his all to his M. I feel as though he is meeting a need I have where before there was a huge hole in my life with his name on it. I genuinely do love him & contact with him medicates the pain I felt in NC. The couple of months or so of NC has gone now & was basically in vain because as soon as he throws me under the bus again, I realise that I will be back to square one. I know that this short term boost is going to lead to misery in the long term but it's too late now. Damn. I truly am a fool. Welll.... From experience you have to just get to a point where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think that is sometimes best and the only way for true change to occur...when for whatever reason you get to that FINAL breaking point for yourself. I don't scold people when they break NC and so on as usually it's an evolution to where you fall off the horse a couple times until one day you just get to a sense of finality on your own. You're already aware that something is lacking and he is in a sense a temporary medicine for it and I'm sure you know that eventually you're going to have to fix the problem and not mask its symptoms.
White Flower Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I am deluding myself. Being back in touch with MM albeit on only a once a week basis feels so good right now, because he convinced us both after d day that he was out of my life forever & would be giving his all to his M. I feel as though he is meeting a need I have where before there was a huge hole in my life with his name on it. I genuinely do love him & contact with him medicates the pain I felt in NC. The couple of months or so of NC has gone now & was basically in vain because as soon as he throws me under the bus again, I realise that I will be back to square one. I know that this short term boost is going to lead to misery in the long term but it's too late now. Damn. I truly am a fool. Like MissBee says, you'll be done when you're done so don't beat yourself up for letting him back in. He may have realized, too, that giving his all to his M was all that satisfactory and he needs to work on himself to figure out why he would risk losing you forever, risk losing his M now, and what needs he is really missing other than having an extra woman in his life. He needs to be in IC, is there any inclination to do so?
nothingbutblueskies Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Welll.... From experience you have to just get to a point where you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think that is sometimes best and the only way for true change to occur...when for whatever reason you get to that FINAL breaking point for yourself. I don't scold people when they break NC and so on as usually it's an evolution to where you fall off the horse a couple times until one day you just get to a sense of finality on your own. You're already aware that something is lacking and he is in a sense a temporary medicine for it and I'm sure you know that eventually you're going to have to fix the problem and not mask its symptoms. This is typically pretty true of the human condition regardless of the problem being faced. Most people do not like to change major things in their life if they can avoid it, especially when that something feels good or is comforting in some way. There will come a point when you will simply get tired of the whole affair (pun not intended, but meh) and walk away. Can I suggest to the OP, you said you feel there was a major hole filled by MM... I may be way off, but if I'm not, could it be that the hole would still be there even if he'd never been in the picture? Maybe you filled it differently before getting involved in the affair and you just don't realize it, but now those behaviors are long gone and once he was out of the picture you realized just how big the hole actually is? I'm speaking from personal experience and it may or may not relate. Just food for thought.
20Seconds Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 I know that this short term boost is going to lead to misery in the long term but it's too late now. Damn. I truly am a fool. No, it's not too late! And you are not a fool. You recognize that your continued involvement is not in your best interest, which is sensible, not foolish, and you do have a choice about this, at every single step of the way. Just remember there is nothing you can do to make him leave his marriage. He either wants to, or he doesn't. If you "wait" for him he will just continue to pull all the strings, while you lose self-respect, and he won;t respect you for it, either. You know what, I have no idea what ex-MM thinks of my decision to end our affair but I hope he respects me more for having done so than keep hanging on trying to change a situation he apparently didn;t want changed. Far more importantly, though, I now respect myself for having ended it and no longer participating in something that was so damaging to my emotional well-being. In your situation, I really would cut contact. If you would still like to hear from him if he decides to leave, you can tell him that. There is no way you are going to feel good about this situation unless you work out what you want, tell him, and then leave it with him. If he is willing to step up, he will, and if he isn;t, he won;t, and it is no reflection on you if he does or doesn't, only a reflection on him. Don;t let him dictate your self-worth, your life, your choices.
MissBee Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 This is typically pretty true of the human condition regardless of the problem being faced. Most people do not like to change major things in their life if they can avoid it, especially when that something feels good or is comforting in some way. There will come a point when you will simply get tired of the whole affair (pun not intended, but meh) and walk away. Can I suggest to the OP, you said you feel there was a major hole filled by MM... I may be way off, but if I'm not, could it be that the hole would still be there even if he'd never been in the picture? Maybe you filled it differently before getting involved in the affair and you just don't realize it, but now those behaviors are long gone and once he was out of the picture you realized just how big the hole actually is? I'm speaking from personal experience and it may or may not relate. Just food for thought. Indeed! And I now realize while I can offer my advice and it is tempting to almost try to derail someone yourself because you know how it will turn out...you just have to let it go and allow that person to knock themselves upside the head and come too and kind of learn on their own. Chances are, they're more likely to stick to it and truly understand it than if you're just tlaking at them.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I am deluding myself. Being back in touch with MM albeit on only a once a week basis feels so good right now, because he convinced us both after d day that he was out of my life forever & would be giving his all to his M. I feel as though he is meeting a need I have where before there was a huge hole in my life with his name on it. I genuinely do love him & contact with him medicates the pain I felt in NC. The couple of months or so of NC has gone now & was basically in vain because as soon as he throws me under the bus again, I realise that I will be back to square one. I know that this short term boost is going to lead to misery in the long term but it's too late now. Damn. I truly am a fool. Well, sadly, you'll have noone to blame but yourself when this ends again. And it will, it's only a matter of time. You've chosen to ride that rollercoster ride and settle for SO LITTLE. Does it really brighten your day that much to have a small amount of contact from this guy who is NEVER leaving his wife? you're settling for so little. I wish you had the strength to fight through this and let yourself grieve and let go.
TurboGirl Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Wow, OP... you deserve so much better. One can hope that eventually you will sicken of the charade and the little crumbs (one contact per week! LOL) and regain your pride and tell him to go fly........ When he does throw you under the bus again, it will hurt so much more than it already does. Think you feel bad now? Hopefully... you will see this guy for what he truly is soon. These little crumbs of fake affection and caring are nothing. You deserve more.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Normal relationships among free people in daylight generally end differently than affairs. Folks grow apart and the relationship has a natural slow death at a low point. OTOH, many affairs end very abruptly with a d-day and when the affair is at a high point. To make matters worse the affair ends because quite often the 3rd party (BW) demands the affair to end. So the person thrown on the bus has to accept sudden death at a time when the relationship is at an all time high. there is no time for the relationship to deteriorate slowly. That is why ending an affair is much harder than ending a normal relationship. That is why the OP thrown under the bus is so devastated. I fully agree with the part about being forced to part when we were nowhere near ready to. I read (& it may be total BS), that only 15% of A end because of a d day. 85% will either continue or resume (in the case of a d day) until the A dies a natural death. There was no natural ending for us, no closure & he was the one with the M who wanted to give it his best shot. I had little choice but to give him that space but like someone else said he has now realised that doing the right thing for his M isn't enough for him. I realise that one contact for about an hour per week is nowhere near enough (it used to be daily), but things are sliding so quickly to how we were before (in the way we talk, flirt etc) that I have no doubt things will go one of two ways. Either we will gradually increase contact, then possibly have a quick, 'innocent' drink together & so on, until we are truly back in the A. I'm sure he will be able to justify this sequence of events more so than if he just jumped back into the A. Or by the time of the next contact, he will have come to his senses & will cast me adrift once & for all, because he will stop hiding his head in the sand & face up to the reality that he got away with it this time, but may not be so lucky next time. He has already told me that he is risking everything, but for reasons known only to himself he is going down that route again. I would guess he's confused, missing me, missing the buzz of the A & maybe, just maybe he does love me (I'll duck at this point!). I will not force things because of his situation as a MM & I will let him lead for now. I will not be content with a once per week contact forever, but for now it makes sense. You may all laugh but he DOES want to be a good H & until this A he prided himself for it. Unfortunately we became involved (possibly midlife crisis for him) & now he's finding it harder for any number of reasons to live without me being there. I genuinely do not believe that all MM in A are terrible people, I am sure that they can get caught up in something (as us women do) & just find it very difficult to escape, not because they want to hurt the people they care for but because they get lost, confused & yes, are probably inherently selfish too. I will just point out that I am not as pathetic in real life as I am coming across here & have a good job, nice home & plenty going for me, I just made a mistake of massive proportions when I entered the A & it is hard to escape. He will be the one to end it (unless I get to the stage where enough is enough) because he is the one with more to lose & I am willing to enjoy the highs again whilst risking the lows. I really appreciate all your replies & thankyou in particular for the comments re only bring done when I feel it's done as this really strikes a chord. It's great that others do understand this as it shows I'm not the only one who's a fool!! Edited June 7, 2011 by Crazy chick1
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Wow, OP... you deserve so much better. One can hope that eventually you will sicken of the charade and the little crumbs (one contact per week! LOL) and regain your pride and tell him to go fly........ When he does throw you under the bus again, it will hurt so much more than it already does. Think you feel bad now? Hopefully... you will see this guy for what he truly is soon. These little crumbs of fake affection and caring are nothing. You deserve more. You're right I deserve better. However I still love him & am not ready to move on. I already feel a little stronger knowing that he has not found it as easy as I had imagined for him to move forward, which somewhat validates how I feel about him. I'm almost glad that he is confused but not in a nasty way. I know I cannot waste my life on him & if things do resume I will need to find the strength at some stage to walk away from him, but that time is not here yet (although it will be if he chooses to do the right thing & work on his M properly. It is obvious he cannot give his full focus to his M whilst in the A or even whilst he is talking with me & he'd be mad to think he could).
Gentlegirl Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Heroin, cocaine, alcohol, nicotine, affair ..... all the same. You get the highs and you surely get the lows especially if you are the OW. There is no low quite like knowing your MM is going home to hop into bed with his wife after hours of f....with you. I hope you can get over your addiction eventually. It's painful and a long process but can be done. Best Wishes, Gentlegirl.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Heroin, cocaine, alcohol, nicotine, affair ..... all the same. You get the highs and you surely get the lows especially if you are the OW. There is no low quite like knowing your MM is going home to hop into bed with his wife after hours of f....with you. I hope you can get over your addiction eventually. It's painful and a long process but can be done. Best Wishes, Gentlegirl. Thanks for your reply. I know exactly how low it is possible to feel but still I can't walk away just yet. At the start of the A it was just about the sexual attraction, but the emotional connection has claimed me totally & I wish it wasn't there. I was soo naive to think I could keep lust & love apart. A tiny part of me hopes that when we speak again, he will have come to his senses because I know the more times we talk without his W's knowledge, the more chance there is that we will be cast back to exactly where we were. I just don't know which way he will jump at the moment.
Spark1111 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks for your reply. I know exactly how low it is possible to feel but still I can't walk away just yet. At the start of the A it was just about the sexual attraction, but the emotional connection has claimed me totally & I wish it wasn't there. I was soo naive to think I could keep lust & love apart. A tiny part of me hopes that when we speak again, he will have come to his senses because I know the more times we talk without his W's knowledge, the more chance there is that we will be cast back to exactly where we were. I just don't know which way he will jump at the moment. Is that what you want? How long are you willing to wait for it? If it never comes, what then? I understand the need it is filling for you, and that may be enough, but to me, it sounds like a form of torture.....all this waiting and hoping based on one hour per week. i dunno....just saying.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Love is an addiction. Both of you are addicted to the relationship. Addictions are difficult to break. Unless you go 100% NC. Nice kids that are addicted to drugs steal money from grandma and justify it. Not easy to be addicted to love. NC was so hard but I did it because I had no choice, MM had made his decision & my breaking NC wouldn't have helped me, as he would have rejected me again. Now he has broken NC & seems confused as to what sort of R he is having with me (during the time we last spoke he referred to me as a friend, said that he couldn't flirt with me but then did in a very obvious way & discussed various aspects of our sex life. He also displayed very strong feelings in the same way as he did during the A. The main difference was that we were both aware of the hatred his W feels for me, when previously she was indifferent). I understand that NC is the only way to get over him but right now I don't want to be over him. The more I think about it, I am becoming convinced that he will have come to his senses by the next time we speak & will attempt to let me down gently, because I don't believe he would be foolish enough or nasty enough to risk his M & hurt his W so much again. He actually told me that he will never forget the look on her face & the faces of his (adult) children on d day & it was heartbreaking. He also said that he couldn't believe how he had lied, cheated & deceived his W & he couldn't understand how he had sunk to that level. So I'm sure that he will not go down that path again, if that makes sense?
sasha-bunny Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 CC1, [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I am more of a lurker than poster. I must say reading your posts it is like you are taking the words right of my mouth. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I don’t think you’re pathetic, foolish or delusional… you are in self preservation mode doing what you need to cope and to not have to feel the raw pain associated with the ending of a relationship. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]In my situation: D-day was 7 weeks ago and although my intent (against his wishes) was to say goodbye and go NC. I had told him that if he wanted to work things out at home we couldn’t even remain friends as it would set him up for failure. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I fell into the LC trap, within a week we were back to communicating. I found comfort in knowing that he was thinking about me just as much as I was him, and it provided me with a validation of our feelings for each other. Contact went from once a week to every other day and we too were slipping back into how it was pre-d-day. I told myself that we were weaning off each other but honestly it was just a continuation of the affair. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Reality slapped me hard in the face this past weekend!! I was removed from his BBM contact list, which when we couldn’t chat we were using to send hidden messages to each other. There has been no communication or attempt to explain why:confused:! Possibly another d-day but I am left with far more questions than had I stuck to no contact in the first place, at least then I had some sort of closure. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri] Sorry wasn’t trying to thread high-jack it just seems that our current situations are eerily similar. **Hugs**I wish you luck with yours and hope you find peace with whatever the outcome may be. I will be following your posts.[/FONT][/sIZE]
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 CC1, [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I am more of a lurker than poster. I must say reading your posts it is like you are taking the words right of my mouth. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I don’t think you’re pathetic, foolish or delusional… you are in self preservation mode doing what you need to cope and to not have to feel the raw pain associated with the ending of a relationship. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]In my situation: D-day was 7 weeks ago and although my intent (against his wishes) was to say goodbye and go NC. I had told him that if he wanted to work things out at home we couldn’t even remain friends as it would set him up for failure. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I fell into the LC trap, within a week we were back to communicating. I found comfort in knowing that he was thinking about me just as much as I was him, and it provided me with a validation of our feelings for each other. Contact went from once a week to every other day and we too were slipping back into how it was pre-d-day. I told myself that we were weaning off each other but honestly it was just a continuation of the affair. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Reality slapped me hard in the face this past weekend!! I was removed from his BBM contact list, which when we couldn’t chat we were using to send hidden messages to each other. There has been no communication or attempt to explain why:confused:! Possibly another d-day but I am left with far more questions than had I stuck to no contact in the first place, at least then I had some sort of closure. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri] Sorry wasn’t trying to thread high-jack it just seems that our current situations are eerily similar. **Hugs**I wish you luck with yours and hope you find peace with whatever the outcome may be. I will be following your posts.[/FONT][/sIZE] Thanks Sasha, I totally agree with the part about feeling better knowing that they are thinking about you too, it does give some relief. I think we convince ourselves that they never cared & have forgotten all about us & to realise they still think of us & refer to conversations we had months ago shows that we did/do mean something. I'm really sorry to hear about the way he has cut you off without warning. I would really struggle to cope with that. Have you attempted to contact him at all for an explanation or are you managing to stay strong & in NC? I really do wish you luck & hugs as obviously I understand totally how hard it is to deal with these types of situation. Just wish I'd had a crystal ball prior to the A, then I sure as hell wouldn't be sat here suffering & offloading on LS....
dumbblonde Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 NC was so hard but I did it because I had no choice, MM had made his decision & my breaking NC wouldn't have helped me, as he would have rejected me again. Now he has broken NC & seems confused as to what sort of R he is having with me (during the time we last spoke he referred to me as a friend, said that he couldn't flirt with me but then did in a very obvious way & discussed various aspects of our sex life. He also displayed very strong feelings in the same way as he did during the A. The main difference was that we were both aware of the hatred his W feels for me, when previously she was indifferent). I understand that NC is the only way to get over him but right now I don't want to be over him. The more I think about it, I am becoming convinced that he will have come to his senses by the next time we speak & will attempt to let me down gently, because I don't believe he would be foolish enough or nasty enough to risk his M & hurt his W so much again. He actually told me that he will never forget the look on her face & the faces of his (adult) children on d day & it was heartbreaking. He also said that he couldn't believe how he had lied, cheated & deceived his W & he couldn't understand how he had sunk to that level. So I'm sure that he will not go down that path again, if that makes sense? I feel your pain. I am going through much the same at the minute and I know exactly how you feel. I have just posted 'my story' in the hope of gaining the strength to go along with NC and ending it with MM (again!). Fingers crossed you get what you wish for. x
sasha-bunny Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Wow not sure why my post looked like that and it won’t let me edit. Thanks for the support back. It was a heart stopping seeing as he had just made a comments days prior about my picture. I sent an email yesterday after allowing the shock to subside looking for answers as this was contradictory to everything I knew of this man. I’ve run the gamete in my head of possible reasons that unfortunately he can only provide me, and that I may never know. My situation has more complications due to this was a rekindling of a first love relationship. I have had the real relationship with him including living together for 3 ½ yrs but due to youth grew apart. We have drifted in and out of each other’s lives for close to 20 yrs as friends but this time ended up in an affair. So will I manage to stay strong and maintain NC I can’t confidently say yes, but will hold out hope.
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